Andrea Lloyd, 1992 U.S. OlympiCards (Summer Olympics Special No. 8)

Name: Andrea Lloyd
Event: Basketball
Medal count: 1 gold
Value of card: An autographed image of Sideshow Bob
Key 1988 stat: Beat the tar out of some communists
Fun facts about 1988 U.S. Olympic basketball gold medalist Andrea Lloyd and the nation of Cuba, the nation she's playing against in this photo:

• Cuba has a large number of palm trees. Andrea Lloyd's hair looks like a palm tree.
• Cuba is not known for treating journalists kindly. Andrea Lloyd would probably like to punch this photographer in the neck.
• One of Cuba's top resources is nickel. This Andrea Lloyd card is worth less than a nickel.
• Cuba has been under the control of one family since the late 1950s. That's about the time Andrea Lloyd's knee brace was made.
• Some people travel to Cuba to have cheap dentistry work done. Hint, hint, Andrea Lloyd.

Andrea Lloyd, 1992 U.S. OlympiCards (Summer Olympics Special No. 8)

Michael Jordan, 1992-93 Upper Deck Game Faces (Air Jordan Week No. 2)

Name: Michael Jordan
Team: Chicago Bulls
Position: Shooting guard
Value of card: Bull excrement
Key 1992-93 stat: Was very excited to score two more points
Random thoughts from fans in the background:

• Guy in red sweater, right third of card, about five rows from bottom: "Great, there he goes again. He's just too fast! I mean, you take your eyes off him for just a second and he's gone. Stupid popcorn guy — slow down already!"
• Woman in yellow top, about four rows above guy in red sweater: "Yes! Here comes the popcorn guy!"
• Guy in red coat, very left of card, about knee-level with Jordan: "Wait, wait. Who wears a red blazer to a basketball game? Who am I, Craig Sager?"
• Guy in bottom left of card. You'll know him when you see him: "OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Michael Jordan, 1992-93 Upper Deck Game Faces (Air Jordan Week No. 2)

Goran Prpic, 1991 NetPro (Wimbledon Week No. 2)

Name: Goran Prpic
Country: Yugoslavia
Value of card: Two broken VHS copies of "The Terminator"
Key 1991 stat: 4,000 buckles
We can rebuild him: Tragedy struck Yugoslavian tennis star Goran Prpic in 1986 when he was involved in a high-speed donkey cart accident, nearly costing him his leg and severing almost all the vowels from his surname. Inspired by "The Six Million Dollar Man," which had finally premiered in Yugoslavia, the nation's heads of state called in their top physicians, not just to heal Prpic, but to make him faster, stronger and better at tennis. But, being Yugoslavia, the doctors didn't have much money to work with. So, instead of being fitted with a bionic knee, Prpic was given a gigantic leg brace made of masking tape, cardboard, velcro and dog collars. And while it didn't make him any better at tennis, it did provide him with a couple extra places to store tennis balls.

Goran Prpic, 1991 NetPro (Wimbledon Week No. 2)

Tim Hardaway, 1992-93 Fleer Pro-Visions (NBA Draft Week No. 4)

Name: Tim Hardaway
Team: Golden State Warriors
Position: Point guard
Value of card: 1 ounce real 14-karat gold from Golden Gate Bridge (Note: Golden Gate Bridge not made of real gold)
Key 1991-92 stat: 47 reasons not to go on
A Golden tragedy: The Warriors were struggling through another miserable season, and it weighed on Tim Hardaway. The normally boisterous point guard was depressed. His pencil-thin mustache wasn't growing evenly and his massive black leg brace made country line dancing nearly impossible. He became so despondent, he started wearing a giant yellow headband on his left leg, which provoked concern from some of his teammates. But Hardaway told everyone he was OK. I still have my finger roll, he'd say. Then, the unimaginable happened. In a game against the Charlotte Hornets, Hardaway tried to finger roll but couldn't. His elbow wouldn't bend. The ball wouldn't flip off his fingertips. For the all-star, that was it. The next morning, Hardaway made his way from Oakland to the Golden Gate Bridge. He crossed to the midpoint, took a breath and a look at the bay waters below, and jumped, executing a perfect finger roll in the air before plunging into water nearly as deep as the depths' of Warriors fans' sorrows.

Tim Hardaway, 1992-93 Fleer Pro-Visions (NBA Draft Week No. 4)

Mark Eaton, 1991-92 Upper Deck (White Ballers Week No. 2)

Name: Mark Eaton

Team: Utah Jazz

Position: White center

Value of card: One clump of armpit hair

Key 1990-91 stat: Shorts ending 2 feet above the knee

The natural: Mark Eaton is a white baller's white baller. He has it all. Member of the perennially whitest team in the NBA? Check. Pasty white thighs barely covered by short-shorts? Check. Seven minutes of mop-up playing time a game? Check. Knee brace? Check. But Eaton had one thing that separated him from most white ballers. A badass beard usually reserved for athletes in other sports. Combining the beard with all Eaton's other attributes makes the Jazz center the whitest baller of 1991-92, which shouldn't be confused with any legitimate honor based on skill.

Mark Eaton, 1991-92 Upper Deck (White Ballers Week No. 2)