John Kruk, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice Checklist

Name: John Kruk
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: First base
Value of card: The paint it took to make that earring
Key 1993 stat: Three colors of hair
Let's check out what's on John Kruk's checklist:

• Wear an octopus under the hat (check)
• Look suspiciously like a feudal Japan-era samurai (check)
• Misapply sunscreen, resulting in four colors of skin (check)
• Resemble the Wolverine, albeit with an extra chin (check)
• Appear on a baseball card that's a true work of art (no check here)

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

John Kruk, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice Checklist

John Kruk, 1989 Fleer

Name: John Kruk
Team: San Diego Padres
Positions: First base, outfield
Value of card: $17,000 in hospital bills
Key 1988 stat: One photographer beaten up
Here's the story of John Kruk in this photo, by the numbers:

0: Photos Kruk wanted taken of himself that day
4: Broken bones suffered by the photographer after Kruk "expressed" his displeasure
14: Beers Kruk had drank before this encounter
36: Hours since Kruk had last shaved
107: Curse words uttered by Kruk after the photo was taken
108: Pounds gained by Kruk since the photo was taken
40,000: Dollars paid by Kruk to the photog to keep the incident under wraps

John Kruk, 1989 Fleer

John Kruk, Darren Daulton, Lenny Dykstra, Dave Hollins, 1993 Upper Deck Team Stars

Names: John Kruk, Dave Hollins, Lenny Dykstra (seated), Darren Daulton
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Positions, respectively: First base, catcher, outfield, third base
Value of card: One ingrown nail
Key 1992 stat: 70 wins
Things we know and things we don't know about these guys:

• We know Kruk liked to get hammered, all right.
• We don't know why Dykstra appears to be wearing some sort of satin cravat.
• We know, or at least assume, that Hollins looked like a wolverine with his shirt off.
• We don't know what's going on with Daulton's bulge. But we can't stop staring.
• We don't know why Dykstra had to make the nails look like a phallus. That's just weird.
• We know that Daulton is a little too happy to be in this photo. 
• We don't know why Daulton is into this Mayan calendar crap, but we wish he'd knock it off, Creep-o.
• We know that Kruk should never wear a turtleneck again. Ever. Good lord.

John Kruk, Darren Daulton, Lenny Dykstra, Dave Hollins, 1993 Upper Deck Team Stars

John Kruk, 1989 Topps Traded

Name: John Kruk
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Outfield
Value of card: An ounce of stubble
Key 1988 stat: Had a hard time closing his mouth
The picture of health: John Kruk was never exactly the most physically fit baseball player. Here are 10 afflictions Kruk experienced during his career.

10) Alcohol poisoning
9) Bedsores
8) Fleas
7) Mullet rash
6) Rhymes with merpes
5) Cirrhosis. And not just of the liver.
4) Jungle fever
3) Being fat
2) Cocktail flu
1) Meat sweats

John Kruk, 1989 Topps Traded

John Kruk, 1994 Donruss Diamond Kings (Atrocious Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Name: John Kruk
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Outfield
Value of card: The residue of 50 cheese steaks
Key 1993 stat: One mullet to rule them all
What makes this Diamond King so atrocious? By 1994, Diamond King artists were starting to get a little high-tech. Here we see a rendering of John Kruk utilizing thermal imaging. After waddling from the dugout to the plate, most of Mr. Kruk is orange or red, showing the excessive heat on his skin, particularly where his boiler and man-boobs have chafed against his jersey. The only cool patches are on his forehead, under the shade of his brim; on his neck, under the shade of his mullet; and along his throat, which has been cooled by the four brewskis he just chugged between innings.

John Kruk, 1994 Donruss Diamond Kings (Atrocious Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

John Kruk, 1987 Topps

Name: John Kruk
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Four cans of Keystone Ice
Key 1986 stat: One paunch
Virility, redefined: This, my friends, is a baseball player. The slumped shoulders, the protruding gut, the complete lack of muscle tone, the blank stare, the pasty skin — all of it adds up to the perfect athlete. John Kruk could mow through a pitching staff just as easily as he could pound a turkey leg. What's most impressive is how Kruk kept his Adonis-like form throughout his playing days — while adding stunning hairstyles — and even into a broadcasting gig once his playing days were over. Cheers, John Kruk!

John Kruk, 1987 Topps