Rusty Kuntz, 1982 Topps

Name: Rusty Kuntz
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One Rusty Kuntz autograph with the last name misspelled
Key 1981 stat: 162 unusually long autograph lines after games
It's autograph time with Bust favorite Rusty Kuntz:

• "Dear Charlie, yes, that's my real name. Ha ha, you're pretty funny."
• "To Sean: No, I've never met Dick Pole. Why do you ask?"
• "For Nick: Yep, it's my real name, honest. Thanks for asking."
• "To Chris: No, I don't have any sisters. But if I did, yes, I'm sure they'd be real Kuntzes."
• "Dear Isaac, yes, my name is really Rusty Kuntz. You people are so original."
• "Richie, this is a pretty nice glove. Maybe I'll just keep it."
• "For Gordon: Yep, that's my real name. Is that your real face, jerkwad?"

Rusty Kuntz, 1982 Topps

Rusty Kuntz, 1984 Fleer

Name: Rusty Kuntz ("Something funny?")
Team: Minnesota Twins ("Why ya laughin'?")
Position: Outfield ("Yeah, that's right, 'outfield.'")
Value of card: 2 ounces of rust ("Problem?")
Key 1983 stat: 4,286 flip-outs ("Best for you to leave.")
I'm looking at you: "You lookin' at something? I see ya laughin'. What's so funny, huh? You gots a problem we need to work out? You want to work it out with our fists? You're still smilin'. Hide that smirk, you miserable punk. You lookin' at my shirt? You think this baby-blue bad boy is funny? I didn't think so. You laughin' at my bangs? You better not be laughin' at my bangs. These flowing golden locks drive the ladies crazy. So what's funny, huh, punk? What's so funny? Maybe my memory is getting a little rusty, but I don't remember seeing anything around here that's so funny. My name? What about my name? Wipe that smirk off your face, punk. You're talking to Mr. Kuntz. Mr. Rusty Kuntz."

Rusty Kuntz, 1984 Fleer

Rusty Kuntz, Fran Mullins, Leo Sutherland, 1981 Topps

Names: Rusty Kuntz, Fran Mullins, Leo Sutherland
Team: Chicago White Sox
Positions: Outfielder, infielder, outfielder, respectively
Value of card: An ounce of rust
Key 1980 stat: 5 acres of collar
Yeah, it's Matchup time:

Round 1: It doesn't matter (Winner: Kuntz)
Round 2: It doesn't matter (Winner: Kuntz)
Round 3: It doesn't matter (Winner: Kuntz)
Round 4: It doesn't matter (Winner: Kuntz)
Round 5: It doesn't matter (Winner: Kuntz)

Final score: Kuntz 5, those other guys 0

Synopsis: Look, when your name is Rusty Kuntz, you win. It doesn't matter if one of the other guys has a girl's name, or if the other one looks like John Travolta with an afro — you win. Period.

Rusty Kuntz, Fran Mullins, Leo Sutherland, 1981 Topps