Carlos Hernandez, 1993 Leaf

Name: Carlos Hernandez
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Catcher
Value of card: One dead leaf
Key 1992 stat: 14 fights broken up
Time for The Caption, which may have run in a Los Angeles-area paper in 1992, probably: "Dodgers catcher Carlos Hernandez attempts to hold back home plate umpire Jerry Layne after Layne spotted Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda eating Layne's dinner in the dugout. Lasorda reportedly broke into the umpiring crew's dressing room after overhearing Layne describe the carne asada super burrito he had picked up at a local taqueria and then put in the fridge. Lasorda refused to apologize for the culinary theft, saying, 'If he wanted it so bad, he should have pounded it before the game. That's what I did with my platter of ziti!' "

Carlos Hernandez, 1993 Leaf

Eric Karros and Mike Piazza, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 5)

Names: Eric Karros, Tommy Lasorda and Mike Piazza
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: First base, manager and catcher, respectively
Value of card: The jelly inside one of those donuts
Key 1995 stat: Two L.A. sleazebags living in one house
Conversation between Eric Karros and Mike Piazza around the time this photo was taken:
Mike Piazza: "Hey, Eric. You ever feel like someone is watching you?"
Eric Karros: "Hold on, sweetheart. ... What's that, Mike?"
MP: "I said, Do you ever feel like someone is watching you?"
EK: "Yeah, actually, sometimes I do." (hangs up phone)
MP: "It's weird, ya know. Like, I'm pouring this bowl of fake cereal and I feel like someone is judging me, saying I should be eating Wheaties or something."
EK: "I know what you mean. It's like someone is looking at me, telling me how I should do this, how I should do that."
MP: "It's crazy. It's like someone is saying, 'Hey, Mike, shave that stupid mustache and trim those tacky sideburns.'"
EK: "I can't get over this feeling that someone is managing my minutes. Like, 'Hey, Karros, you moron, hang up that 12-pound phone. It costs $4.50 a minute.'"
MP: "Yeah, 'manage.' That's the right word. I feel like someone, I don't know who, is managing my every move, even here at our perfectly arranged pseudo-breakfast table."
EK: "I feel like someone is telling me to wipe my greasy hair with a towel. Weird."
MP: "Weird for sure. ... Hey, wait a sec. Who ate all those donuts? They disappeared."
EK: "I don't know, Mike. I don't know."

Eric Karros and Mike Piazza, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 5)

Mike Piazza, 1994 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Name: Mike Piazza
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Catcher
Value of card: If this were golf, it'd be a great score
Key 1993 stat: Never held a golf club before
A bad day on the greens: As noted on this blue-covered card, Mike Piazza was the 1993 National League Rookie of the Year. His manager, the often foul-mouthed and always full-mouthed Tommy Lasorda, didn't care spit about any of those words except "rookie," however. Lasorda made the young backstop caddy for him whenever he went golfing, but carrying Tommy's bag wasn't like carrying a normal golf bag. In the pockets where most duffers would keep extra balls, tees, an umbrella and a few beers, Lasorda instead kept loose items of food. Piazza would have to dislodge golf balls from smashed cannolis and extract tees from weeks-old meatballs. The bottom of the bag was filled with 6 inches of marinara sauce, meaning that after Piazza had dirtied Lasorda's lone towel with tomato-y foulness from the club handles, he would have to use his own shirt. The end of the season couldn't come soon enough for the catcher, who quickly hoisted his duties on some young Korean kid.

Mike Piazza, 1994 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Tom Lasorda, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 17)

Name: Tom "Tommy" Lasorda
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: Manager, wiping sauce off chin
Value of card: 30 checkmarks
Key 1990 stat: 5,004 cannolis eaten
Tommy Lasorda's thoughts on some of the players listed on this checklist: "Kirby Puckett — good guy. Me, him and Kruk once had a hot dog eating contest during the all-star break. Kruk won, but I gave him a run. ... Jesse Barfield — name sounds like what I did after the hot dog contest. ... Hensley Meulens — what is that, a car? ... Jose Canseco — put on a damn shirt already, you pansy. ... Dennis Eckersley — when we beat the A's in the Series, Eck had to make all the fettuccine alfredo I could eat. Long-haired freak had to make a looooot of fettuccine. ... Rick Honeycutt — name sounds like honey-baked ham. He's alright in my book. ... Mark McGwire — as American as apple pie. Mmm, pie. ... Ken Griffey Jr. — he'll never be half the player his dad was. ... Randy Johnson — screw this, I'm hungry. Where'd those cannolis go?"

Tom Lasorda, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 17)

Tom Lasorda, 1988 Topps

Name: Tom Lasorda

Team: Los Angeles Dodgers

Positions: Usually sitting, usually eating, sometimes napping

Value of card: Voucher for 20 percent off early bird special at Lil' Tony's Mamma Mia Italian Restaurant

Key 1987 stats: 147 over par, 147 pounds overweight

Clearing up some rumors about Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda:

• Lasorda didn't touch himself on the field. He waited until he got in the golf cart.
• Lasorda wasn't fast and slim. He was Slim-Fast.
• Lasorda never snapped on a player. He only snapped belts.
• Lasorda didn't play games. He made them.
• Lasorda wasn't an Italian gangster. Who's askin' anyways, wise guy?
• Lasorda didn't have a lazy eye. As you can see, nothing about him was lazy.
• Lasorda didn't play golf. But, apparently, he had a stroke right before this photo was taken.

Tom Lasorda, 1988 Topps

Tom Lasorda, 1990 Topps

Name: Tom "Tommy" Lasorda
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Manager
Value of card: One spare rib bone
Key 1989 stat: 45 pounds gained
It's a managerial quiz:

What's getting the old thumbs-up from Tommy Lasorda?

(A) News that the team's training table now involves only barbecued beans and Stouffer's frozen macaroni and beef.
(B) Dress rehearsal for Kirk Gibson's all-male burlesque revue, "I Can't Believe What I Just Saw."
(C) The five Dodger fans who stayed past the seventh inning.
(D) An invitation to an Asia concert from Eddie Murray.
(E) All of the above

Tom Lasorda, 1990 Topps