Doug Mientkiewicz, 2006 Upper Deck

Name: Doug Mientkiewicz
Team: New York Mets Kansas City Royals
Position: First base
Value of card: "Dirt" stains on the seat of your pants
Key 2005 stat: Even he didn't know how to spell his surname
Things said by Mentki Mintka Doug to this anonymous catcher:

• "No, I will not stand up. Not until you apologize for calling my jersey hideous."
• "What do you mean this seashell necklace looked better on my wife?"
• "Why yes, I am going to just sit here and twiddle my thumbs. I mean, coach just told me to do what I do best!"
• "Have you seen my bat?"
• "I got traded to Kansas City? Well, it could be worse. I could be on the Mets."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Doug Mientkiewicz, 2006 Upper Deck

Mike Flanagan, 1989 Topps

Name: Mike Flanagan
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Positions: Pitcher, chillin'
Value of card: "Chillax, bro"
Key 1988 stat: 639 mesh holes
Mike Flanagan's train of thought from 7:17 to 7:19 p.m. Aug. 21, 1988: "Aw, man, I love this game. Nothing like sitting in the dugout, chewing some seeds and combing my 'stache. Boss man thinks I'm lazy. Go figure. So I'm just hanging out, using the old mullet as a pillow. Big deal. This ain't my day to pitch. What, they want me hanging over the railing like some rook, pretending I'm interested in the Blue Jays? Huh, slim chance. Despite this sign behind me, this is barely a baseball club. There's too much blue in this dugout, and I prefer my birds in the orange-and-black variety. And I prefer my bird teams of another flock. That's right, until I get back south of the border, it's chill time, bro."

Mike Flanagan, 1989 Topps

Jamie Navarro, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Jamie Navarro

Team: Milwaukee Brewers

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Key 1991 stat: One stolen base

Jamie Navarro uses a base for a pillow; 10 other baseball items he uses for something other than their intended purpose:

10) Warm-up jacket for pajamas (see above)

9) Batting cage to house The Gimp

8) Rosin bag for coke parties

7) His jersey number for a ridiculous earring (see above)

6) Batting tee for lonely nights

5) Pine tar for tanning cream

4) Athletic cup for drinking herbal tea

3) Catcher's mask for The Gimp

2) On-deck donut for breakfast

1) Catcher's mitt for a lover

Jamie Navarro, 1992 Upper Deck

Nolan Reimold, Adam Jones, Nick Markakis, 2010 Topps Orioles Checklist (2010 Week, No. 2)

Names: Nolan Reimold, Adam Jones, Nick Markakis
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Positions: Outfield
Value of card: Three yawns
Key 2009 stat: Zero times in proper fielding position
It's Matchup time:

Round 1: Proper use of the GoateeSaver (Winner: Markakis)
Round 2: Lack of interest in game (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Room in crotch of pants (Winner: Markakis)
Round 4: Sharing name with known criminal (Winner: Jones)
Round 5: Tight sleeves (Winner: Markakis)
Round 6: Lack of knowledge about how to wear a glove (Winner: Jones)
Round 7: Baby-smooth skin (Winner: Reimold)
Round 8: Desire to get the hell out of Baltimore and play for a winning team (Winner: Tie)

Score: Markakis 3, Jones 2, Reimold 1

Synopsis: In the battle of who could care less, Nick "The Stick" Markakis walks away with the Apathy Cup — and the dopest nickname.

Nolan Reimold, Adam Jones, Nick Markakis, 2010 Topps Orioles Checklist (2010 Week, No. 2)

John Elliott, 1994 Coke Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week No. 7)

Name: John "Jumbo" Elliott
Team: Boo York Giants
Position: Offensive tackle
Fright value of card: Two bare feet
Key 1994 splat: One tiny football crushed
Memorable moments in creativity: Another excellent job from the Coke costume designers in this remarkable set of cards. There's a lot to like here — the oversize square helmet with no facemask, the tiny, smashed football, the tattered overcoat with Jumbo Elliott's number on it. But you know what's not excellent? The effort from the writing staff. Jumbo? Really? No one knows who John Elliott is because, to football fans, he was known only as Jumbo Elliott. How is that a monster name? Why not just have Pat Swilling's monster name be Pat? I can see the writing crew sitting around a table at the end of a long night of looking at dozens of cards, shotgunning cans of Coke in an effort to avoid crashing from an hours-long sugar high, and deciding, "Screw it. We can't top 'Jumbo.' Let's go home."

John Elliott, 1994 Coke Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week No. 7)