Mike Ditka, Diana Ditka, 1992 Pro Line Spirit (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 5)

Names: Diana Ditka, Mike Ditka
Teams: Biker Mamas, Chicago Bears
Position: Coach's wife, head coach
Value of card: Two pairs of white pants (same style) for the price of one
Key 1991 stat: 182,290 bugs in teeth (combined)
Clearing up some rumors about Mike Ditka and his lovely wife, Diana:

• Diana Ditka does not use the phrase "riding the hog" when talking about motorcycles. That's the phrase she uses when discussing her married sex life.
• Mike Ditka is not wearing David Puddy's 8-ball jacket from "Seinfeld." He's wearing an even more ludicrous jacket.
• Mike Ditka does, in fact, take his wife everywhere on his motorcycle. But she keeps finding her way home.
• Mike Ditka does, in fact, need to wear a motorcycle helmet for safety. Diana does not     her hair serves the same purpose.
• This is not Mike Ditka's most embarrassing moment. That would be this video of him yelling at a bunch of kids about flushing the toilet (preferably after putting this card in it).

Mike Ditka, Diana Ditka, 1992 Pro Line Spirit (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 5)

Al Martin, 1996 Score

Name: Al                Martin (apparently)
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Outfield
Value of card: As many pennies as there are letters in his first name
Key 1995 stat: No extra room in uniform
Maybe we don't want to know: What's the most impressive thing about Al Martin on this card?

A) His shiny leather jersey
B) How tight those uniform pants fit. Goodness, gracious.
C) The perfect phallic placement of his bat (This answer is correct if you're 14 years old)
D) All those luxurious spaces between his two names
E) OK, it's C even if you're not 14

Al Martin, 1996 Score

Nolan Ryan, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Ace
Value of card: Two angus burgers
Key 1991 stat: One disappearance
Ryan Express goes Pony Express: In the twilight of his career, Nolan Ryan often forewent off-season workouts, in the interest of both resting his aging body and pursuing other hobbies. But the Ryan Express took things to another level during the winter of 1991-92. When he didn't turn up for spring training in February, Rangers officials formed a search party and combed the greater western United States in search of the ace. Tips began to come in reporting a man who resembled the pitcher going by the name "Roland Nyan" and heading up a cattle drive from Montana to Texas. Reportedly, the cowboy would roll through small towns, chasing off crooked sheriffs by using 98-mph fastballs instead of guns. He was jailed once, but quickly escaped when the residents of Dodge City rioted and busted him out. He turned up in Laredo, Texas, in March, stinking of heifers, sweat-stained leather and rye, but ready to pitch. However, his final major league season was cut short by the worst case of saddle sores that doctors had ever seen.

Nolan Ryan, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines

Deion Sanders, 1992 Skybox Pimp Insert (Football Friday, No. 1)

Name: "Neon" Deion "Prime Time" Sanders

Team: Atlanta Falcons

Position: Cornerback, King of Slop

Value of card: $$

Key 1991 stat: Three Deions

Headline: The King of Pop dies at 50

A thriller on the field: They say there are no new ideas. They say average artists borrow; great artists steal. They say style is truth. If these statements are true, a small part of Deion Sanders died yesterday, June 25, when Michael Jackson succumbed to a heart attack. "Neon" Deion Sanders was a flamboyant athlete from Florida State University who played professional football and baseball. He was known, in this order, for his brash sense of style, his football skills and his minimal baseball IQ. By looking at the above card, it's obvious Sanders stole his fashion identity from Michael Jackson. Both adored leather jackets, gold and ridiculous hats. But Deion Sanders and Michael Jackson had more in common than style. Michael Jackson sang "Smooth Criminal." Deion Sanders is a criminal. Michael Jackson sang "Bad." Deion Sanders was bad at baseball. Michael Jackson sang "Man in the Mirror." In 1992, Deion Sanders got stuck in a house of mirrors (see above). Michael Jackson sang "P.Y.T." Deion Sanders was, by all accounts, a P.Y.T. in the early 1990s. But the strongest connection between the two should be obvious: They both made music that defined a generation.

Deion Sanders, 1992 Skybox Pimp Insert (Football Friday, No. 1)