Terry Kinard, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 222)

Name: Terry Kinard
Team: Houston Oilers
Position: Safety
Value of card: One chicken thigh
Key 1990 stat: Occasionally forgot to dress for practice
Three fun facts about the Houston Oilers and Terry Kinard:

• The Oilers could have used a little more coverage in their secondary. Kinard could have used a little more coverage below the equator.
• The Oilers ran a fast-tempo offense. Kinard liked to dress fast and offend everyone. 
• The Oilers were lured away to Tennessee in the mid-1990s by the promise of a new stadium. Kinard was lured by something a little less expensive in Myrtle Beach.

Card submitted by John Stoddert

Terry Kinard, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 222)

Kent Tekulve, 1981 Topps

Name: Kent Tekulve
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 ounces of the part of a pirate's peg leg that touches the stump
Key 1980 stat: 20 stars on his Little League hat
It's time for The Caption, which we're sure did not run in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette in the early 1980s: "Kent Tekulve, center, does a funky chicken dance on the mound while wearing aviator shades, one of the best baseball caps of all time and a uniform that blinded 12 fans who were already blind after throwing a sidearm slurve for the Pirates against the New York Mets at Three Rivers Stadium on a sweltering June day with 98 percent humidity made hotter by Tekulve's school-bus-yellow jersey and pants in Pittsburgh on Wednesday."

Kent Tekulve, 1981 Topps

Michael Dean Perry, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 45)

Name: Michael Dean Perry
Team: Cleveland Browns
Position: Defensive line
Value of card: 6 bottles of Nair
Key 1990 stat: 7 wrestling matches with a Fridge
The shame returns: Yes, it's still baseball season, but preseason football is here, and that's all the reason we need to subject you to more Shameful Sunday Portraits. Get ready to cringe!
Conversation between Michael Dean Perry and a Pro Line photographer, circa August 1991:
Michael Dean Perry: "OK, OK. I know what I want to do."
Pro Line photographer: "Mr. Perry, please just put on your pads and go stand on the field."
MDP: "Nope, I have a better idea. Don't need these."
PLP: "Mr. Perry, please put your pants back on."
MDP: "No sir, I'm free as a bird. Just look at these legs."
PLP: "Those are very nice legs, Mr. Perry. But we have a photo shoot to conduct."
MDP: "I know, I know. Here's my idea: I go pantsless and hang from the goalpost."
PLP: "That's not going to work, Mr. Perry."
MDP: "OK, how about I go pantsless and sit on a tackling dummy."
PLP: "I'm sorry, but my editor will not be OK with that."
MDP: "How about this: I go pantsless and hang out in the stands."
PLP: "Well, you'll be hanging out regardless, I guess. Let's get this over with."
MDP: "Yayyy! Best photo shoot eva!"

Michael Dean Perry, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 45)

Marc Savard, 2011-12 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 3)

Name: Marc Savard
Team: Boston Bruins
Position: Center
Value of card: A busted remote control with no batteries
Key 2010-11 stat: Six straight weeks curled up on the couch
Here's how Marc Savard spent his day with Lord Stanley's Cup: Savard woke up on the couch. He grabbed the Cup and sat back on the couch. His wife made him lunch and he ate it on the couch with the Cup. He watched some TV on the couch. He watched some more TV on the couch. His wife brought him a beer and he drank it on the couch. He fell asleep on the couch, curled up with the Cup. He ate a TV dinner on the couch. He fell asleep on the couch again. He snored on the couch. (Now that's how you spend a memorable day with the Cup.)

Marc Savard, 2011-12 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 3)

Dave Doorneweerd, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 3)

Name: Dave Doorneweerd
Team: Augusta Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two chicken legs (like Dave's      not actual food)
Key 1991 stat: One funky last name
Today's fashion model: Here we have Dave Doorneweerd, and while his name may be "weerd" indeed, his taste in clothing is impeccable. Dave appears to pondering the depths of fashion while wearing a multicolored polo shirt that has been through the wash approximately 2,083 times. Sure, it's a little faded now, but when that baby was new, it could be seen from space. Some style experts may say that four colors is too many when it comes to casual wear, but Dave proves that theory wrong. Sadly, this photo fails to show us what, if anything, this young pitcher is wearing below the waist. Whatever it is, you can tell that Mr. Doorneweerd isn't afraid to show a little skin. Keep up the bold choices, Dave, and we're sure the majors will be calling any day now!

Dave Doorneweerd, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 3)

Vaughan Johnson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 27)

Name: Vaughan Johnson
Team: New Orleans Saints
Positions: Linebacker, perched on a jug
Value of card: 11 grains of powder Gatorade mix
Key 1990 stat: 126 inches of socks, combined
10 things that could be in that Gatorade jug:
10) Gatorade (the diet light purple kind that tastes like rust)
9) Lots of, um, stuff from "bathroom time" that's earmarked for Saints rookie hazing
8) 42 of fellow Saints linebacker Rickey Jackson's hats
7) Liquid the Saints would never get a chance to pour on coach Jim Mora in the playoffs
6) A shadow that looks like a schlong (oh, wait, that's outside the jug)
5) A scrunched-up Vaughn Dunbar, because he spells his first name wrong, sucka
4) 22 more pairs of short-shorts (he's wearing three more under the two you can see)
3) Powerade®: The complete sports drink for athletes everywhere
2) Sweat —gallons and gallons and gallons of it
1) Vaughan's johnson

Vaughan Johnson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 27)

Reggie Roby 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 26)

Name: Reggie Roby
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Punter
Value of card: 3 pounds of guts from inside a dead dolphin
Key 1991 stat: 62 times kicking a football in the air, and nothing else all season
10 other professions that would have made leg specialist and punter Reggie Roby a success:
10) Kickball superstar
9) Freakshow contortionist
8) Stand-in for Ralph Macchio in "The Karate Kid, Part II"
7) Weather vane
6) This Bangkok savage
5) Creepy yoga instructor (who wears the outfit above)
4) A medical specimen for muscle specialists enthralled by the protruding mid-under-thigh muscle ball on Roby's punting leg
3) Rockette
2) L'eggs model
1) A lamp with "Fragile" marked on the box, which must be Italian

Reggie Roby 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 26)

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Name: Nolan Ryan
Teams: Texas Rangers, Team P90X
Positions: Pitcher, whatever that stretch is called
Value of card: A whooooole lot of leg
Key 1990 stat: Made the photographer uncomfortable 14 times
Oh dear: The good folks at Pacific Trading Cards put out a series of Nolan Ryan collectables in 1991, featuring the Express in all sorts of situations. They captioned this one "Ryan's Routine," but here are a few suggested captions that didn't quite make the cut:

• More Sleeves Than Pants
• And Reach ... for the Barf Bag
• Pasty Pitcher
• That Hairline's a Stretch, Too
• Pull Those Socks Up More
• No Wonder No One Else Is Working Out
• "Get Out of Here, You Pervert!"

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Derek Hill, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 21)

Name: Derek Hill
Team: Phoenix Cardinals
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 4 inches of ripped shoelace
Key 1990 stat: Eight hours of leg shaving a week
Transcript from Phoenix-area TV commercial for NFL Women's Wear, circa 1991: "Hello, ladies. I'm Derek "The Thrill" Hill, and I'm here to tell you about NFL Women's Wear, the hottest styles from the hottest sport for you, the hottest females around. NFL Women's Wear features all kinds of styles, and I'm wearing many of them right now. (camera pans slowly from head to feet) Just check out these ladies size 22 Adidas running shoes, and this comfy-omfy sweatshirt, great for curling up with that special guy in your life. And, of course, NFL Women's Wear offers the sexiest booty shorts on the market today, perfect for showing off your freshly shaved legs. Are your legs smooth enough? I know mine are? (camera pans across legs, with light gleaming off them) And our biggest seller (winks) the NFL Women's Wear thong, which I'm sporting right now. Toodles!"

Derek Hill, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 21)

Antone Williamson, 1995 Pinnacle Draft Picks

Name: Antone Williamson
Team: Milwaukee Brewers? Not quite
Position: First base
Value of card: It's as worthless as this card is blurry
Key 1994 stat: NA
10 professions Antone Williamson was better suited for than pro baseball player:
10) No-pockets short-shorts salesman
9) High school physical education and driver's ed teacher
8) Bodybuilder so strong he ripped off the edge of his own card
7) A brewer
6) Softball beer league organizer
5) By the sound of that name, a chauffeur
4) 1994 Eastbay catalog model
3) Salami smuggler (cough, cough)
2) Your kid's Little League coach
1) Your kid's Little League teammate

Card submitted by Sean Griffin

Antone Williamson, 1995 Pinnacle Draft Picks

Neil Smith, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 16)

Name: Neil Smith
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Defensive end
Value of card: Two sweaty ankle socks
Key 1991 stat: One offensive decal on helmet that had to be censored
You'll put your eye out, kid: Boom, there it is. You're staring straight at it, and even though it makes you uncomfortable, you can't seem to look anywhere else. It's so large, it's casting a foot-long shadow below itself, and while it's just a silly football card, you know that you will forever be in that shadow. I mean, nobody will ever have a flat top that awesome ever again. Hold on, what were you looking at that whole time?

Neil Smith, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 16)

Matt Bullard, 1997-98 Upper Deck (Halloween Week 2012 No. 3)

Name: Matt Bullard, feat. Mario Elie, Eddie Johnson and Clyde Drexler
Team: Ghoul-ston Rockets
Position: Forward
Fright value of card: Two open Pixy Stix
Key 1997-98 splat: Ate 70 percent of his kids' Halloween candy
Trick or, well, not treat: We don't have the words for how nonsensical this card is. Not only did Upper Deck decorate the set in a Halloween motif, they figured they should bring in three other players just for this photo. They even included an ear of dried corn on the floor. However, us investigative types at the Bust discovered that this was not the most absurd setting proposed by the folks at UD for this shoot. Here are a few of the ideas Matt Bullard turned down:

• Bullard and Rockets coach Rudy Tomjanovich drinking milkshakes in the team whirlpool
• Bullard and teammate Othella Harrington playing a game of Othello while dressed in costumes from the Shakespeare play "Othello"
• Bullard and teammate Hakeem Olajuwon shirtless, riding horses bareback on a beach in Mexico
• Bullard and teammate Charles Barkley eating all the candy in that bag. (Note: This was actually Barkley's idea.)

Card courtesy of Fat Shawn Kemp.

Matt Bullard, 1997-98 Upper Deck (Halloween Week 2012 No. 3)

J.T. Smith, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 5)

Name: J.T. Smith
Team: Phoenix Cardinals
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Half off gravity
Key 1991 stat: Unable to jump this high
Time for a shameful pop quiz: What's veteran receiver J.T. Smith doing in this photo?

A) Showing off his supersized jungle gym
B) Must. Stay. Off. The lava!!!
C) Trying to do a better job of defying gravity than he did of defying age
D) Making a damn fool of himself
E) C and D

J.T. Smith, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 5)

Greg Louganis, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 12)

Name: Greg Louganis
Event: Diving
Medal count: One silver in 1976, two golds in 1984, two golds in 1988
Value of card: 6 ounces of chlorine
Key 1988 stat: One eight-pack
It's time for a medal-losing pop quiz:

What dive is Greg Louganis about to execute?

(A) 2½ Bulge
(B) Reverse Hairless Wonder with a Twist
(C) El Speedo Burrito
(D) 512 Reverse Head Banger
(E) The 10-Meter Peter
(F) None of the above

Greg Louganis, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 12)

Mary Lou Retton, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 10)

Name: Mary Lou Retton
Event: Gymnastics
Medal count: 1 gold, 2 silver, 2 bronze
Value of card: Its value is not recognized in the Eastern Bloc nations. Or anywhere, really.
Key 1984 stat: Upper legs the size of Greek columns
Little Miss Perfect: Mary Lou Retton was America's sweetheart in 1984 after becoming the first woman from the U.S. to win the Olympic gymnastics all-around title. Of course, everyone has secrets. Here are a handful of things that might make you change your opinion about this "innocent" creature:

• In 1983, she found $5 on the ground and didn't turn it in to lost and found
• In middle school, she wrote in some of her textbooks. In ink!
• She has four children, which means she definitely did you-know-what with a boy several times.
• She probably had to kiss a communist or two on the cheek during her career.
• In 1993, she was in an episode of "Baywatch," aka "Smutwatch."
• Well, just look at that outfit!

Mary Lou Retton, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 10)

Thomas Bohrer, 1992 U.S. OlympiCards (Summer Olympics Special No. 9)

Name: Thomas Bohrer
Event: Rowing
Medal count: 2 silver
Value of card: Wet garbage
Key 1992 stat: 147,198 times stroked
Here's what Thomas Bohrer stands for:

Thorough knowledge of the backne on the guy in front of him
Handled a long, wooden shaft with skill and grace
Oiled-up legs distracted the competition
Manly enough to wear a scarf to a race
Appears to be making fart noises with his mouth
Silver medals? This is America. If you're not first, you're a communist.

Bohrer: That's what the ladies said he was in the sack, all right.
Of course, judging from that scarf, maybe that's because he wasn't interested in the ladies
Humorous event name of the day: coxless fours
Rocked the mini-mullet in Barcelona. Classy.
Even he snickered every time somebody said, "Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!"
Really, we're just jealous of his biceps

Thomas Bohrer, 1992 U.S. OlympiCards (Summer Olympics Special No. 9)

Rob Dibble, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Rob Dibble
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Closer
Value of card: The inability to look away
Key 1991 stat: One extreme close-up
Here comes the Old No. 1: There it is. Boom, right there for everyone to see. Stop looking at it. You can't, can you? It doesn't matter. Now that you've seen it, you'll never unsee it. You'll probably sleep poorly tonight. I mean, it's right there, hovering above Cincinnati, thrust toward you. No wonder they called him a "Nasty Boy." That's right, it's Rob Dibble's leg kick. Wait, what did you think we were talking about? Sicko.

Rob Dibble, 1992 Upper Deck

Dan Wilkinson, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2011 No. 3)

Name: Dan "Big Daddy" Wilkinson
Team: Cincinnati Benghouls
Position: Defensive tackle
Value of card: Definitely not something big
Key 1994 splat: One escape from police custody, apparently
It's a Halloween mystery: What makes "Big Daddy" such a monster?

A) The fact that he wears a potted plant on his head
B) The mysterious way he ripped through the front of his shirt — but not the numbers on it
C) The fact that he keeps mini-footballs around just to stomp the life out of them
D) He apparently was shackled, but now he isn't! Ooooooh, scarrrrry!
E) Not the bulge. Just ask Mrs. Wilkinson.
F) Just buy some new pants already, you freak.

Dan Wilkinson, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2011 No. 3)

Mike Gminski, 1991-92 Upper Deck (Another White Ballers Week No. 2)

Name: Mike Gminski
Team: Charlotte Hornets
Position: Center, of course
Value of card: $5 off orthopedic shoes
Key 1991-92 stat: 29 wheels of cheese eaten
It's The Caption: Charlotte Hornets center Mike Gminski throws an outlet pass after pulling down a rebound during Wednesday's game. It was Gminski's first action of the season, and may be his last, as he left the game in the fourth quarter with a chronic wedgie that occurred when he pulled his own unimaginably short shorts up to his chest. There is no timetable for his return, as nobody gives a crap about the Charlotte Hornets or this big, white freak.

Mike Gminski, 1991-92 Upper Deck (Another White Ballers Week No. 2)

David Wood, 1994-95 Fleer Ultra (Another White Ballers Week No. 1)

Name: David Wood
Team: Golden State Warriors
Position: Forward
Value of card: A prescription for anti-seizure medication
Key 1994-95 stat: Face never changed from this expression
Welcome to Another White Ballers Week: The NBA preseason starts this week, so what better way to honor games that don't matter than with players who don't matter? Wait, what's that? The lockout is still going on? And it's likely that we'll not only miss the preseason, but at least part of the regular season? Aw, hell. Screw it, let's do this anyway.
Pop-a-shot quiz time: What the hell?

A) This photo must be from the season where the NBA played with an electrified ball.
B) Well, I mean, would you want to guard a guy who brandished his crotch like that?
C) Looks like that crab salad sandwich at the team picnic is about to take its toll.
D) I don't know, but thank Christ he's wearing that second pair of shorts.
E) David Wood just saw a spider.

Card submitted by FatShawnKemp.com

David Wood, 1994-95 Fleer Ultra (Another White Ballers Week No. 1)