Detroit Lions, 1982 Fleer (Football Friday No. 194)

Name: Detroit Lions (some of them, at least)
Team: See above
Position: Live, in action!
Value of card: Being stuck outside in Detroit in December
Key 1982 stat: Not very many wins
Changing history: "Setting Up the Screen Pass" is a perfectly fine title for the above card. Here are a few options Fleer decided against.

• Setting Up for Failure
• Another Losing Season
• It Kind of Looks Like 44 is Touching 70's Butt
• Eric Hipple's Longest Pass of the Year
• At Least the Field Appears to Be in Good Shape ... Oh, Wait
• Maybe this Series Wasn't Such a Good Idea

Detroit Lions, 1982 Fleer (Football Friday No. 194)

Michael Cofer, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 4)

Name: Michael Cofer
Team: Detroit Lions
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: One of those sweat socks — just one
Let's break down Michael Cofer's workout, by the numbers:

15: Spandex stretches
50: Imaginary weight lifts
45: Sweat sock roll-downs
100: Flat top combings
250: Flexes for the camera
10: Continuous hours of standing like a weirdo

Michael Cofer, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 4)

Reggie Barrett, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 2)

Name: Reggie Barrett
Team: Detroit Lions
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 3 ounces of leftover dust on a vacuum filter
Key 1990 stat: 256 women with whom he shared sweat
Let's take a look at Reggie Barrett, by the numbers:

36: Ounces of sweat on his chest
72: Ounces of sweat wrung from his shorts
98: Ounces of sweat left on workout machines that his teammates would have to wipe up

100: Dumbbell curls in his first workout set
150: Dumbbell curls in his second workout set
1: Dumbbell in this photo

1: Weightlifting belt used during a strenuous workout
1: Photographer who acted as a spotter to help with his weightlifting
1: Photographer who nearly passed out from the smell of his weightlifting belt

Reggie Barrett, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 2)

Lem Barney, 1992 Pro Line Portraits Throwbacks (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 39)

Name: Lem Barney
Team: Detroit Lions
Position: Cornerback 
Value of card: About as much as the snow in that old photo
Key 1992 stat: Wore a tie when, clearly, a cravat was called for
Time for a fancy-shmancy pop quiz: What's Lem Barney all dressed up for?

A) The Player Hater's Ball
B) A new session of Parliament
C) A Sherlock Holmes cosplay event
D) A trip to the Applebee's
E) A photo session for a surreal set of football cards

Lem Barney, 1992 Pro Line Portraits Throwbacks (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 39)

Barry Sanders, 1993 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 7)

Name: Barry Sanders
Team: Detroit Lions
Position: Running back
Value of card: Tape two dimes to it, and it's worth 20 cents
Key 1993 stat: One mixed metaphor
We don't know, either: What do the Roaring '20s and adult male lions have in common, other than both being referenced on the above card?

A) Uhhhhh ...
B) Well, you know ...
C) Er ...
D) Roaring, I guess ...
E) Didn't Hemingway write a story about a lion or something?

Barry Sanders, 1993 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 7)

Harry Colon, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Super Bowl XXIX (Football Friday No. 153)

Name: Harry Colon (a-huh-huh)
Team: Detroit Lions
Position: Defensive back
Value of card: Three used groin towels
Key 1993 stat: 27 guys punched out for making fun of his name
OK, OK, just calm down: We here at The Bust pride ourselves on taking the high road. We would never make fun of a guy just because he has a funny name. Stooping so low would defeat the purpose of such a noble blog. Just because a talented, intelligent, strong, hard-working athlete has a surname that could be a schoolyard synonym for buttocks and a first name that implies said buttocks is covered in hair would never lead us to try to turn such an unfounded juvenile insult into a few thousand hundred dozen page views. No, we're far too high-brow to make a respected professional football player the butt of such a joke.

Harry Colon, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Super Bowl XXIX (Football Friday No. 153)

Wayne Fontes, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 10)

Name: Wayne Fontes
Team: Detroit Lions
Position: Head coach
Value of card: Two tacos for 99 cents
Key 1990 stat: 14 shades of tan gained
10 magazines Fontes could have been reading:
10) Lowlights for Children
9) Pointing Weekly
8) Glamour (uncontrollable laughter)
7) Better Homes and Drive-Thrus
6) Sweater Illustrated
5) Detroit Living and Ducking Gunfire
4) U.S. News & Hoagie Report
3) Taco Consumers Digest
2) Food & Food
1) Men's Unfitness

Wayne Fontes, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 10)

Barry Sanders and Christian Okoye, 1990 Topps Rushing Leaders (Football Friday No. 105)

Names: Barry Sanders, Christian Okoye
Teams: Detroit Lions, Kansas City Chiefs
Positions: Running backs
Value of card: 14 rotten eggs, smashed on your head while you sleep
Key 1989 stats: About 14,000 rushing yards (each)
It's time for a fast and powerful version of The Matchup:

Round 1: Unbelievable maneuverability (Winner: Sanders)
Round 2: Unstoppable power (Winner: Okoye)
Round 3: Thunder (Winner: Okoye)
Round 4: Lightning (Winner: Sanders)
Round 5: Doubting look (Winner: Sanders)
Round 6: Doubted facial hair (Winner: Okoye)
Round 7: Better nickname (Winner: Okoye)

Score: Okoye 4, Sanders 3

Synopsis: It was a memorable Matchup between two legendary running backs, but, this time, the Nigerian Nightmare bests the Hall of Famer, with a little help from "Tecmo Bowl" and a lot of help from a nickname.

Barry Sanders and Christian Okoye, 1990 Topps Rushing Leaders (Football Friday No. 105)

Barry Sanders, 1990 Pro Set Hall of Fame Photo Contest (Football Friday No. 104)

Name: Barry Sanders
Team: Detroit Lions
Position: Running back
Value of card: Bag of poop (also the first-place prize in photo contest)
Key 1989 stat: 14 pounds of hand tape
It's an apt time for the return of The Caption: "Detroit Lions running back Barry Sanders, above, becomes slightly aroused when Cleveland Browns strong safety Felix Wright starts to slowly undress him on the field while the two erstwhile lovers participate in a "sensual photo" contest Wednesday in Pontiac, Mich."

Barry Sanders, 1990 Pro Set Hall of Fame Photo Contest (Football Friday No. 104)

Mel Gray, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 90)

Name: Mel Gray
Team: Detroit Lions (trust us)
Position: Kick returner
Value of card: One commemorative T-shirt
Key 1991 stat: Too fast for his own good
Mel Gray's dating profile, circa 1991:

Name: ProBowler1
Age: Old enough to know better, still too young to care
Height: Like my socks, pretty tall
Weight: 170 pounds — when I'm clothed
Hair color: A black blur
Hairstyle: I run like it's on fire
Ethnicity: All-world
Religious views: If you're punting to me, you better pray
Want children: Only in the stands
Marital status: I get around
Best feature: Pro Bowl T-shirt
Smoke? Only the kick coverage team
Drink? I did when I was in Hawaii

Seeking: Any lady who likes going to Hawaii once a year
Her body type: Legs like mine would be nice
Her ethnicity: Female

About me: Hello ladies, my name's Mel Gray, but make no mistake, I see things in black and white. You may already know me — I was the starting kick returner at a little thing called the Pro Bowl. In case you missed it, just check out my shirt. It says it all. I bet you wish you could untuck it, don't you? What's that, ladies? Why yes, these shorts do go all the way up. My legs mean business; wouldn't you like to make them your business? I'm speedy as all get out, but I'm not so fast when the lights come down, if you know what I mean. I mean in the bedroom. You know, it? Yeah, that's right. You know what I'm talking about. It. Hit me up, and maybe I'll even let you see what's under the socks. Mmmmm.

Mel Gray, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 90)

Johnnie Morton, 1994 Upper Deck Star Rookie (Football Friday No. 66)

Name: Johnnie Morton
Team: Detroit Lions
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Two feet of soiled terrycloth
Key 1994 stat: Three Power stickers
Detroit Lions' scouting report on first-round draft pick Johnnie Morton: "This kid has it all: speed, hands, an earring and a flat-top that'll drive all the 16-year-olds crazy. ... Says he hasn't taken off his shoulder pads since 1989. They appear to have actually grown into his skin in places. ... Once ate his weight in pizza at a Pizza Hut lunch buffet. ... Needs a jersey, but has enough wristbands to last until the new millennium. ... Appears to be always crying on the inside. And on the outside. ... Ran the 40 in 4.3 seconds. Drank a 40 in 7.1 minutes. ... Doesn't seem to know how to spell Johnny right. ... Without a doubt, this kid is the player who will put the Detroit Lions in the Super Bowl! Hey, stop laughing!"
Not making this up: After his playing career, Morton tried his hand at mixed martial arts fighting. In his debut, he was knocked out 38 seconds into the first round, carried out on a stretcher and then denied his purse when he refused to take a post-fight drug test. He later tested positive for anabolic steroids. Apparently, he should have taken more of them.

Johnnie Morton, 1994 Upper Deck Star Rookie (Football Friday No. 66)

Detroit Lions, 1990 Argus (Football Friday No. 30)

Name: See below

Team: Detroit Lions

Positions: All of them

Value of card: Six hairballs

Key 1989 stat: Six straight hours licking himself

Not quite a lion, but ...: The Detroit Lions were in shambles. The team stunk, the fans booed and management was out of answers. Team owner William Clay Ford knew he needed butts in the seats and wins on the field. How to do both in one fell swoop? Ford took a risk and signed a free agent out of the SPCA, a hungry cat with a taste for smashmouth football and lasagna. He had a reputation for being lazy, but on the field, the opposite was true. The orange of his fur was only outshined by the bravery in his heart. The cat's name?

Detroit Lions, 1990 Argus (Football Friday No. 30)

Pat Swilling, 1994 Coke Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week No. 2)

Name: Pat Swilling, aka Chillin'

Team: Deadtroit Lions

Position: Linebacker

Fright value of card: Two cubes

Key 1994 splat: None (frozen solid for entire season)

Allow us to break the ice: Quarterbacks were frozen in fear in 1993 when Pat Swilling stepped on the field. The outside linebacker had ice in his veins; a monster of his kind hadn't been seen since William "The Refrigerator" Perry. For running backs, it was the winter of their discontent, as Swilling was as relentless as he was cold-hearted. As the back of this card reads, Swilling possessed the power and speed to put opposing teams "in the deep freeze," and he never warmed to the possibility of defeat. In the heat of battle, Swilling wouldn't get cold feet. As he told coach Wayne Fontes in 1993, "It'll be a cold day in hell when 'Chillin'' doesn't make a quarterback shiver."

Pat Swilling, 1994 Coke Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week No. 2)