Pablo Torrealba, 1979 Topps

Name: Pablo Torrealba
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Pit stench
Key 1978 stat: Zero forearms exposed
Oh, good lord: What are those things coming out of Pablo's nose?

A) More lapels
B) Black mollies
C) Mold spores
D) Newborn kittens
E) A mustache that somehow is less hideous than the uniform

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Pablo Torrealba, 1979 Topps

Luis Mercedes, 1992 Star

Name: Luis Mercedes
Team: Frederick Keys (Orioles affiliate)
Position: Second base
Value of card: Absolutely nothing
Key 1991 stat: Rated best-bunting second baseman who also shared a name with a car
Start your engines: In 1992, the Keys were hoping Luis Mercedes could help them Ford their way to a title with his Jaguar-like speed and Ram-like power. Alas, Luis's average was Mini and his strikeout rate rocketed toward Infiniti. Quickly, Orioles management opted to Dodge a bullet and made the Smart decision, saying Tata to Luis in what was truly a Saab story.

Luis Mercedes, 1992 Star

Mark McLemore, 1998 Score

Name: Mark McLemore
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Second base
Value of card: Four frames of B-roll
Key 1997 stat: One Golden Globe
Lights, camera, action: When he wasn't playing baseball for Texas, Mark McLemore would fill in as a cameraman during Rangers broadcasts, as seen above. But that wasn't Mark's only experience behind the camera. Here are a few of his other, lesser-seen productions:

• A failed TV reality show starring Bengie, Yadier and Jose Molina called "Nonstop Squatting"
• A hotdog-eating contest between Pudge Rodriguez and a wolf
• Naughty time with Mrs. McLemore
• His daughter's fourth birthday party (half taped over with an Evander Holyfield fight)
• Seven minutes of smartphone footage of the inside of his pocket

Mark McLemore, 1998 Score

Magglio Ordonez, 2005 Topps

Name: Magglio Ordonez
Team: Detroit Tigers®
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 6 ounces of Tiger Balm
Key 2004 stat: 215 long, long nights spent in Detroit
It's time for The Caption, which we're sure didn't run in the Detroit Free Press in 2005: "Magglio Ordonez, center, participates in a line-dancing routine in the middle of Grand Circus Park in downtown Detroit instead of showing up at Comerica Park for a Tigers game against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim while wearing a mock turtleneck and getting mocked because his sweeps and turns weren't in lockstep with the senior citizens who organized the line-dancing event that Ordonez crashed Tuesday in Detroit."

Magglio Ordonez, 2005 Topps

Nino Espinosa, 1979 O-Pee-Chee

Name: Nino Espinosa
Team: New York Mets
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 2 cents Canadian
Key 1978 stat: 2 trips to Canada (Expos series)
Nino Espinosa's train of thought from 12:44 to 12:45 p.m. September 17, 1978: "Man, Nino is looking good. I spent 45 minutes on my 'fro today, and another 10 minutes getting my hat to sit right, but it was worth it. When you're a big shot, like Nino, you have to look the part. Got my jersey buttoned up just right. Got my sleeves on and my mustache manicured. Nino's 'fro is glistening. Man, I'm so excited to be on a Topps card. Wait, what did the photographer say? This is a Canadian O-Pee-Chee card? What? All that primpin' and no American pimpin'? Nino got to call Nino's agent."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Nino Espinosa, 1979 O-Pee-Chee

Champ Summers, 1984 Topps

Name: Champ Summers
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Not much, champ
Key 1983 stat: Zero championship belts
Here are some of the things that Champ Summers was the champ of:

• Stick-on mustache competitions
• Magenta mugshot background challenges
• Sleeve abundance contests
• Creepy, staring pose tournaments
• Summers

Champ Summers, 1984 Topps

Bud Harrelson, 1979 Topps

Name: Bud Harrelson
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Positions: Shortstop, second base
Value of card: See that "P" on his cap? It stands for "pennies."
Key 1978 stat: An eighth of a mustache
Ten things Bud Harrelson's sunglasses couldn't block out:

10) The laughter of grown men who saw him wearing baby blue
9) The laughter of women who saw him take off that uniform
8) The laughter of children who saw the way he held the bat
7) The laughter of teammates every time he took batting practice
6) The laughter of everyone at his hint of a mustache
5) The laughter of his manager whenever he asked to pinch hit
4) The laughter of fans any time his batting average was shown
3) The laughter of his parents whenever he told them he had a date
2) The laughter of the cashier who sold him those sunglasses
1) The sun

Bud Harrelson, 1979 Topps

Junior Seau, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 50)

Name: Junior Seau
Team: San Diego Chargers
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: One drawstring
Key 1991 stat: Turtlenecks, turtlenecks everywhere!
Put this pop quiz in lights: What does it say on the scoreboard behind Junior Seau?

(A) PLEASE DON'T SIT ON THE CROSSBAR
(B) TEACH US HOW TO SHINE IN ZUBAZ
(C) LEAGUE LEADER IN TROUSER-RELATED BLINDNESS
(D) PREACH THAT MUSTACHE, HELL YEAH!
(E) NONE OF      er, none of the above

Junior Seau, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 50)

Rick Monday, 1977 Topps

Name: Rick Monday
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Outfield-first base
Value of card: 1,908 cents (wink, wink)
Key 1976 stat: 52 Mondays feeling special
Here's how Rick Monday spent his week:

• Monday: Posing for a baseball card.
• Tuesday: Still smiling, for the 24th straight hour.
• Wednesday: Asking a third-grader for advice on how to improve his penmanship.
• Thursday: Combing his mullet.
• Friday: Still smiling, for the 96th straight hour.
• Saturday: Going back, year by year, in search of a Cubs World Series title.
• Sunday: Counting the minutes to Monday.

Rick Monday, 1977 Topps

Razor Shines, 1986 Topps

Name: Razor Shines
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Infielder
Value of card: Tetanus
Key 1985 stat: .120 batting average
Not so shiny: Today we present to you Razor Shines, a man who lived life on the edge. He was a sharp dresser who wouldn't be caught dead in short sleeves, let alone cut-offs. Razor was also well-shorn, with a mustache that made the ladies swoon and sideburns so keen they were considered lethal weapons in 17 states and three Canadian provinces. But if there was one slice of life that held Razor back, it was baseball. No matter how hard he tried to hone his skills, he could never pierce the starting lineup. He was dull on the basepaths and his swing was rusty. He spent four years with the Expos, posting a slash line of .185/.239/.198, numbers that hacked off his coach. So it was that in 1987, the inevitable happened: Razor was cut.

Razor Shines, 1986 Topps

Bob Kipper, 1986 Topps

Name: Bob Kipper
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: As much garbage as you can fit in that hat
Key 1985 stat: 365 kips (British slang for naps)
Conversation between a Topps photographer and Bob Kipper during spring training in 1986:
Topps photog: "Hi Bob, we're gonna take some photos      um, you don't have to do the one-knee pose if you don't want to, you know."
Bob Kipper: "Huh? Oh, hey, man. You got any chips? And dip?"
TP: "Hmm, no. I was just going to take your picture. Do you want to stand up?"
BK: "No, man, I'm good. Standing's just so strenuous, you know? It's much cooler staying close to the ground. With the Earth."
TP: "Well, I guess that'll work. Can you open your eyes a little more, though?"
BK: "My eyes are open, man. Wide open. I can see everything, you know?"
TP: "Oh yes, and I can see what you've been up to, for sure. But before a baseball game? That's so nuts."
BK: "Doughnuts? I love doughnuts! Can I have one, man?"
TP: "Um, sure." (Hands Kipper a batting doughnut) "Chew on that for a little while."

Bob Kipper, 1986 Topps

Dick Davis, 1981 Fleer

Name: Dick Davis
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: The foam from a blown keg of Keystone Light
Key 1980 stat: Made 48 tacky jokes involving his initials and a bra cup size
Here's what Dick Davis stands for:

Didn't get on the field very often...
Instead you could most often find him staring longingly, standing on the dugout steps
Correct, his eyebrows are indeed a mirror image of his mustache
Killer afro on that lady in the front row

Don't think we've ever seen a man make an elastic waistband look so good
After Milwaukee gave up on him, he played for three teams in 1982
Vacant gaze was his calling card...
It certainly wasn't his baseball talent
Sleeves were longer than his playing career

Dick Davis, 1981 Fleer

Gorman Thomas, 1979 Topps

Name: Gorman Thomas
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One hateful scowl
Key 1978 stat: Voted most luxurious hair in the greater Milwaukee area
Clearing up some rumors about Gorman Thomas:

• Gorman Thomas was not constantly angry. He just lacked the facial muscles needed to smile.
• Gorman Thomas was not afraid to show some skin. He was afraid to wear any color except blue, however.
• Gorman Thomas did not, in fact, know what a "Gorman" was either.
• Gorman Thomas did not, in his later years, intentionally begin to resemble a St. Bernard dog. But he did wear a barrel of booze around his neck at times.
• Gorman Thomas' hair was not more impressive than his baseball talent. His ability to eat pickled eggs, however, was legendary.

Gorman Thomas, 1979 Topps

George Vukovich, 1984 Donruss

Name: George Vukovich
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Outfield
Value of card: The wind through your hair
Key 1983 stat: One perfect photo
George Vukovich's advertisement for Glamour Shots, circa 1984: "Why Glamour Shots? Because you deserve to look your best      forever." (Smiles winningly into camera) "Why Glamour Shots? Because you want to shut up all those people who asked when you were going to get a haircut." (Wind blows through hair) "Why Glamour Shots? Because when else will three layers of clothing make sense?" (Rubs hands over rubber undershirt) "Why Glamour Shots? Because you're tired of everyone asking whether you're related to the clearly uglier Pete Vuckovich." (Makes barf noises) "Why Glamour Shots? Because you're worth it." (Wind blows through mustache)"

George Vukovich, 1984 Donruss

Rick Mahler, 1983 Fleer

Name: Rick Mahler
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One Rick Mahler-signed baseball (or, zilch)
Key 1982 stat: 621 balls signed (baseballs, sicko)
Selections of Rick Mahler baseball autographs from this signing session:

• "Timmy: You're a huge Braves fan. You might not know this, but I'm a Braves pitcher. Best, Rick Mahler"
• "Jenny: Please forgive our intolerably racist mascot logo. Best, Rick Mahler"
• "Wes: I'm keeping your ball in my butt pocket for a month or two. Best, Rick Mahler"
• "Bobby: I never liked you and your play at third base makes me ill. Best, Rick Mahler"
• "Debbie: I saw you at the game. You like this beer-bulge combination? I can tell. I'm in Room 232 at the Holiday Inn. Best, Rick Mahler"
• "Johnny: A ballboy actually signed this. Best, Rick Mahler"

Rick Mahler, 1983 Fleer

Lance McCullers, 1990 Score

Name: Lance McCullers
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Relief pitcher
Value of card: Its value isn't worth a second look
Key 1989 stat: 1,271 pitches thrown, but not seen
It's time for a reader-submitted pop quiz:

Why isn't Lance McCullers looking at his pitch?

(A) He understands what the result will be.
(B) He's intimidated by the out-of-focus Blue Jays player wearing a pair of culottes.
(C) George Steinbrenner was standing behind the plate, shirtless.
(D) He's not pitching; he's passing gas in an exaggerated manner.
(E) All of the above.

Card submitted by Sean Griffin

Lance McCullers, 1990 Score

Ernie Camacho, 1986 Topps

Name: Ernie Camacho
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Wimpy-lookin' pitcher
Value of card: One soiled doll of Ernie from "Sesame Street"
Key 1985 stat: Not very many people came to watch the Tribe, apparently
Don't be intimidated, it's just a pop quiz: What's the most macho thing about Ernie Camacho?

A) That jacket's pretty bulky.
B) Those sleeves are long enough to reach out and strangle you.
C) His mustache only begins to hint at his masculinity.
D) His nose has to be really strong to hold up those glasses.
E) None of the above, or anything else for that matter.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Ernie Camacho, 1986 Topps

Eduardo Rodriguez, 1979 Topps

Name: Eduardo Rodriguez
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A piece of bratwurst, dropped on the sidewalk
Key 1978 stat: No hat worn for more than five minutes at a time
Real nice, Eduardo: Eduardo Rodriguez hated hats. Ballcaps, derbies, Stetsons      it didn't matter, he despised them all. Sure, he would wear a garbage bag for an undershirt, just as long as he didn't have to don a cap. When he was forced to wear a Brewers hat during games per league rules, he would take it off between pitches and, if the batter struck the ball, he would knock his hat off as though trying desperately to make a defensive play      even if the ball was fouled back into the stands. When umpires or coaches would try to make him keep his cap on, Rodriguez would take it off, point to his hair, say "My head's already warm enough, chief," and then shake his head back and forth, spraying everyone with sweat and loose follicles. It was truly a disgusting display.

Eduardo Rodriguez, 1979 Topps

Carlos Garcia, 1997 Score

Name: Carlos Garcia
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Second base
Value of card: Burning garbage
Key 1997 stat: Thought it was OK to look like this in public
Don't ask: Why is Carlos Garcia wearing that, erm, thing around his head?

A) Out of sympathy for his dog, Cheesestick, who was wearing a cone after getting fixed.
B) To keep himself from gnawing at his nethers, because he also just got fixed.
C) To cover up a giant hickey on his neck. Because this is much less embarrassing.
D) He was modeling his latest fashion idea, the SuperTurtleneck.
E) To block out the constant booing of the fans.

Carlos Garcia, 1997 Score

Darrell Evans, 1982 Topps

Name: Darrell Evans
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Third base
Value of card: 0.00732 ounces of ink, the amount used for that third-grade signature
Key 1981 stat: 42 minutes spent Dumpster-diving for his batting gloves
Whoa, big boy: Hey there, Darrell. How you doing? That's an awfully big stick you're, ahem, carrying. You have it positioned so gracefully, so naturally. It's like — gulp — an extension of you. So, um, do you come here often? Huh-huh, not like that. Sorry, we're a bit flustered. You're just so bold, so — gulp — big. What's that? You don't want to brag? Well, you may speak softly, but you definitely carry a big stick. Doing anything after the game?

Darrell Evans, 1982 Topps