Dave Winfield, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Dave Winfield
Team: California Angels
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Million-dollar smile
Key 1990 stat: One attempted steal (of your girlfriend)
Dave Winfield's dating profile, circa 1990:

Screen name: WinfieldOfDreams_12
Age: 39
Height: 6' 6"
Weight: 220 pounds (all muscle, baby)
Hair color: Black
Hairstyle: Awesome
Ethnicity: Minnesotan, originally
Want children? I could use a bat boy
Best feature: These pearly whites
Smoke? The occasional fastball
Drink? Gatorade
Religion: I believe in Angels

Seeking: The ladies
Location: Los Angeles? Anaheim? Orange County? One of those
Her body type: Beach bod
Her ethnicity: Tanned


About me: Hey girl, Winny here. After too many seasons in the cold (and cold-heartedness) of New York, I'm back in SoCal, ready to heat things up. Once you're done getting lost in my eyes, drop me line, and we'll see if you can help me work on my power stroke. After all, my jersey may say I'm an Angel, but I'm a real demon once the lights go out. Rrrowwrrr!

Dave Winfield, 1991 Upper Deck

Oscar Azocar, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Oscar Azocar
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Two awkward hugs
Key 1992 stat: 16 times caught embracing his bat in the dugout
Oscar Azocar loved his bat despite despite a .226 career batting average; some other Azocar contradictions:

• He loved his barber despite his mini-fro cut.
• He hated "Magnum P.I." despite his mustache.
• He loved being on baseball cards despite the one above.
• He hated "Sesame Street" despite his first name.
• He loved women despite this card's implications.
• He hated Julio Franco despite ripping off his pose.

Oscar Azocar, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Mickey Rivers, 1983 Texas Rangers Affiliated Foods

Name: Mickey Rivers
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: One glass shard from a Mickey's bottle
Key 1982 stat: One double
It was only a kiss: Toward the end of his baseball career, Mickey Rivers developed some strange habits. He started showering in a bathing suit after games, he would give himself a pat on the butt after getting a hit and, perhaps strangest of all, after striking out, he would blow a kiss to the pitcher. As you might imagine, this didn't sit well with everyone. Having K'd Rivers twice in an August contest, Royals starter Gaylord Perry was none too pleased with Mickey's smooches. Thinking that the hitter was making fun of his given name, Gaylord proceeded to plunk Rivers in his third plate appearance, drilling him right in the ear hole. Perry was tossed from the game and Rivers, unable to continue, put on his best bathing suit and hit the showers.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Mickey Rivers, 1983 Texas Rangers Affiliated Foods

Jamal Mashburn, 1994-95 Fleer Pro-Visions (Basketball Barf Art Week No. 6)

Name: Jamal Mashburn
Team: Dallas Mavericks
Position: Small forward
Value of card: Five chess pieces carved from petrified cow dung
Key 1994-95 stat: Zero games of chess won against computer (Difficulty: Easy)
Love is a punderful thing: Jamal Mashburn may have been a king on the court early in his career, but he was a total square when it came to the ladies. He tried every gambit he could think of in his efforts to find a mate, but all his ploys were put in check, leaving him alone to buff the bishop. His teammates showed no sympathy for his lack of game, asking him, "Hey, rook, what are you, some kind of queen?" Depressed, Mashburn pawned off nearly all of his belongings and took the money to his local watering hole      a move that would change everything. Around closing time, he finally met his match: a woman as down on her luck as he was. And so it was that Jamal Mashburn finally got a piece, all thanks to a one-knight stand.

Card courtesy of Fat Shawn Kemp

Jamal Mashburn, 1994-95 Fleer Pro-Visions (Basketball Barf Art Week No. 6)

Hal Morris, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Name: Hal Morris
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: First baseman
Value of card: The little rubber "W" in in racket strings
Key 1991 stat: Never actually played tennis
Things are about to get punderful: Sure, everyone knows Hal Morris was aces at the plate, but for a long time, there was one area where he wasn't king of the court: love. He cast his net at women of all ages      40, 30, even 15 once, though her father told Hal to bounce      but he was consistently left playing with his own fuzzy balls. He aimed to serve the ladies however he could, but they would just end up taking a swing at him. His failures left him high-strung, always set on finding fault. Angry, he slammed his fist into the wall, creating quite a racket. But just when he was about to retire and play singles for the rest of his life, along came a Czechoslovakian stunner named Martina whose game was the perfect match for his own.

Hal Morris, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Bobby Valentine, 1980 Topps (Valentine's Day Special)

Name: Bobby Valentine
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Infield, outfield, manager, bus boy
Value of card: Seven teeth (still bloody)
Key 1979 stat: One lovey-dovey last name
It's Valentine's Day; 10 things Bobby Valentine does on his day:
10) Sits in front of a mirror and brushes his hair for two hours.
9) Blinds children with his teeth.
8) Writes love poems on valentines to women he'll never approach.
7) Draws hearts in places that underwear covers.
6) Studies hard for a second career in managing — a fast-food seafood restaurant.
5) Kisses the girl he loves (causing her to wake up, scream and report a breaking-and-entering).
4) Signs his name over and over again, until the B in his first name looks like boobs.
3) Buys flowers and chocolate. Eats both.
2) Makes up ridiculous names. His newest: Bobby Kwanzaa.
1) Loves himself (huh-huh).

Bobby Valentine, 1980 Topps (Valentine's Day Special)

Steve Garvey and Goose Gossage, 1985 Fleer Super Star Special

Names: Steve Garvey and Goose Gossage
Team: San Diego Padres
Positions: First base, closer
Value of card: 17 arm hairs pulled from drain
Key 1985 stat: Six shades of vomit
It's time for a San Diego special in this round of The Matchup:

Round 1: Legendary disgusting facial hair (Winner: Gossage)
Round 2: Little-known disgusting arm hair (Winner: Garvey)
Round 3: Uniform with the worst color combination in major league history (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Obvious man love (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Sunday-best belts with puke uniform (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Old-man love handles underneath throw-up uniform (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Nickname that means a finger getting stuck in a butt (Winner: Gossage)

Score: Gossage 2, Garvey 1, Ties 4

Synopsis: It's obvious these two gentlemen have a lot in common, especially in their barf-flavored uniforms. These similarities made for an entertaining Matchup, with Goose only pulling away at the end with his nickname, which would lead you to expect the color of his index finger to match the color of his hat's side.

Steve Garvey and Goose Gossage, 1985 Fleer Super Star Special

Chuck Daly and Pat Riley, 1990-91 NBA Hoops (NBA Finals Week No. 2)

Names: Chuck Daly, Pat Riley

Teams: Detroit Pistons, Los Angeles Lakers

Positions: Coaches

Value of card: A small pile of gray hairs

Key 1989-90 stat: Two executive haircuts

Coaches are in the spotlight in The Matchup:

Round 1: Popped collar (Winner: Daly)

Round 2: Leather skin (Winner: Riley)

Round 3: Look of love (Winner: Tie)

Round 4: Rolex knock-off (Winner: Daly)

Round 5: Chest hair poof (Winner: Riley)

Round 6: Inch-deep wrinkles (Winner: Tie)

Round 7: Womanly features (Winner: Daly)

Round 8: Umbrella-sized ears (Winner: Riley)

Round 9: Mafia hair helmet (Winner: Riley)

Score: Riley 4, Daly 3, Ties 2

Synopsis: It took the entire All-Star Weekend to figure it out, but Lakers coach Pat Riley squeezed out a victory against the Pistons' Chuck Daly by the slimmest of margins. The outcome again proves that no matter how much two grown men seem to lust for each other, there are no friends in The Matchup.

Chuck Daly and Pat Riley, 1990-91 NBA Hoops (NBA Finals Week No. 2)

Chuck Knoblauch, 1997 Studio

Name: Chuck Knoblauch

Team: Minnesota Twins

Position: Second base

Value of card: For his teammates, priceless

Key 1996 stat: 46,764 tongue-in-cheek questions

10 things teammates asked Knoblauch after this card was printed:

10) The bat is one thing, but, c'mon, you didn't think about the phallic wood grain?

9) Has your father recovered from the suicide attempt?

8) Were you thanking it for keeping your wife occupied when you were on road trips?

7) Just how cute was Mr. Photographer?

6) You realize Studio is a baseball card company, not a sporty male modeling agency, right?

5) You play second base, but did the bat make it there?

4) How long until you could sit down without pain?

3) Do you know who put 1,000 photocopies of this card all over the locker room?

2) Have you heard the one about the bat, the balls and the mouth?

1) How much bigger did the bat get when you started gripping it?

Chuck Knoblauch, 1997 Studio

Matt Williams, 1988 Topps

Name: Matt Williams

Team: San Francisco Giants

Position: Third base

Value of card: To him, invaluable

Key 1987 stat: One three-day, cringe-inducing glare

A first for the ages: It's something a Major League Baseball player — or a man, for that matter — never forgets. It's arguably the most meaningful first for a rookie, and the crack Topps Company photography staff captured the instant, allowing Matt Williams and his legions of fans to cherish it forever. First hit? No. First RBI? Nope. First home run? Nah. First glimpse of a woman in the buff? Yes, sir. And just look at how that seminal moment captivated ol' Matty. He's transfixed. Williams sat in that position for three days, staring, blankly, at Seat 24, Row F, Section 142, where a glamorous sea cow in a cut-off Richard petty T-shirt bared her breasts for a crowd of 9,163, forever changing one third baseman's life.

Matt Williams, 1988 Topps

Julio Franco, 1991 Studio

Name: Julio Franco

Team: Texas Rangers

Position: Second base

Value of card: You can't put a price on love

Key 1990 stat: Two hearts, believing in just one mind

An affair to remember: Theirs was a love that knew no bounds. Players, coaches and the media said it would never last. But the passion shared between Julio Franco, a hard-hitting second baseman, and Genuine Louisville Slugger, a wooden baseball bat, was everlasting. They spent countless nights melting into each other's warm embrace. They whispered sweet nothings into each other's ears and splinters. They cried and laughed, and made love with reckless abandon. Then fate came calling. "It was a Thursday," Franco recalls. "A Thursday I will never forget." The tracks of his tears glisten as he looks away. "She ... she was my darling stick. I had never met an inanimate object like her. She made me the man I always thought I could ... " Franco trails off, reliving, as he does every day, what happened Aug. 15, 1992, against the Seattle Mariners. In the fifth inning of a 2-0 game, Franco stepped in against Erik Hanson. The count was 3-1. The crowd was silent. Then, hearts were ripped apart. Franco hit a slow ground ball to shortstop, and shards of Genuine Louisville Slugger shot out across the field. Franco fell to his knees, then, with tears spilling down his face, walked around the infield, picking up his lover's pieces, one by one. "She was my whole world. And in one moment, she was no more," he says. "Part of me died that day." Franco never hit again.

Julio Franco, 1991 Studio