Anfernee Hardaway, 1994-95 Fleer Pro-Visions (Basketball Barf Art Week No. 1)

Name: Anfernee "Penny" Hardaway
Team: Orlando Magic
Position: Guard
Value of card: A penny
Key 1993-94 stat: 14 different-colored tuxes worn
Welcome to Basketball Barf Art Week: With a Miami-Indy Game 7 tonight and the NBA Finals starting Thursday, it's a time for celebration. What better way to celebrate than with seven of the most mind-numbing basketball illustrations ever produced in sports card form? Well, er, yeah, there are plenty of better ways to celebrate than with these abominations, but, hell, we have nothing better to do, so enjoy the week.
10 magic tricks performed by Penny Hardaway:
10) Pull a rabbit out of his jockstrap.
9) Levitate the logo for the Internet's most embarrassing sports card blog.
8) Rent a tux; throw up on it; get it dry-cleaned; take it back.
7) Get commercials starring Lil' Penny made despite their obvious imbecility.
6) Cut Shaq Daddy in half (making him still about 6 feet tall).
5) Combine a card focused on magic with a solar system background — for no apparent reason.
4) Force-feed puns to an audience ad nauseum.
3) Turn a basketball into a penny with the help of trashy art.
2) Make his career disappear.
1) Grow a mustache as a haircut.

Anfernee Hardaway, 1994-95 Fleer Pro-Visions (Basketball Barf Art Week No. 1)

Ozzie Smith, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 6)

Name: Ozzie Smith
Team: Washington Wizards St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: One YouTube clip of some kid talking about "Magic: The Gathering"
Key 1993 stat: Mustache was perfectly flat
Good vs. evil: Ozzie Smith was known as "The Wizard" during his playing days, thanks to his flashy but solid defense and success with the bat. Here, in this LSD-inspired card, Smith is portrayed as an actual wizard, though one who uses a baseball glove instead of a staff or wand. But does he use his magical powers for good or evil? Let's investigate.

Good: Has the ability to call wild birds to him; doesn't mind when they poop on his shoulder.
Evil: Uses said birds to steal Tony Gwynn's halo of baseballs.
Good: Plants little pine trees along his yellow-brick driveway.
Evil: Seems happy that there's some sort of forest fire happening on the left side of the card.
Good: Lives in a bright, magical castle that totally increased his neighborhood's property values.
Evil: Despite its hue, said castle is not "green," lacking solar panels, composting and a recycling program.

Verdict: Hell, who cares? These cards have inspired us to drink a little mushroom tea. If you need us, we'll be examining the shrubs for the next six hours.

Ozzie Smith, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 6)

Howard Johnson, 1992 Upper Deck Team Checklist

Name: Howard "HoJo" Johnson
Team: New York Mets
Position: Third base
Value of card: Six rotting apple cores (big ones)
Key 1991 stats: 15 hoes, 1 HoJo
10 "Mets Magic" tricks performed by The Amazing HoJo:
10) He pulled a dead Mr. Met out of a hat.
9) He turned string into an obnoxious gold chain.
8) He sawed Dwight Gooden's cocaine line in half.
7) He made incredible puns out of New York City and a large piece of fruit.
6) He levitated. Well, only in the eyes of Darryl Strawberry, who was really, really high.
5) He vanished down the stretch.
4) He bent a spoon with his mind (and a pair of pliers).
3) He changed himself into comical illustration and started growing bulges out of his neck.
2) He grew a beard. (C'mon, it's a pretty good-looking beard.)
1) He made Mets wins disappear.

Howard Johnson, 1992 Upper Deck Team Checklist

Magic Johnson, 1991-92 Upper Deck (Basketball Art Week No. 5)

Name: Magic Johnson
Team: Los Angeles Lakers
Position: Point guard
Value of card: In this case, time isn't money
Key 1991-92 stat: One magical STD
Defining moment: According to the artist, Magic's "moment" involved him taking a jump hook with a glitter-laden basketball, dribbling and dribbling with no legs. Here are some other moments that didn't make the cut:

• Marrying a woman named Cookie
• Wearing Kurt Rambis' glasses
• Talking about some football player he saw on TV
• Gettin' it on with an HIV-infected lady-friend
• Explaining to Cookie that he got it on with an HIV-infected lady-friend
• Changing the oil in Pat Riley's hair

Magic Johnson, 1991-92 Upper Deck (Basketball Art Week No. 5)

Ozzie Smith, 1979 Topps

Name: Ozzie Smith
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: One wiz
Key 1978 stat: Serious muttonchops
Overcoming adversity: Few people know that a freak tractor accident left Ozzie Smith unable to grow facial hair below the mouthline. Sure, he could cultivate a mean mustache and muttonchops that would make Hugh Jackman jealous, but Smith's baby-smooth lower jaw still drew taunts from teammates, opponents and fans. Things changed when the beardless wonder was traded to St. Louis. He met a mysterious white wizard who passed his powers on to Smith. These abilities included flying upside down and — lo and behold — growing hair where he never before could! Brimming with confidence and magic, Smith went on to win the World Series, as well as the 1982 National League MVB — Most Valuable Beard.

Ozzie Smith, 1979 Topps

Gary Sheffield, 1989 Topps Bazooka insert

Name: Gary Sheffield
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Five petrified pieces of bubble gum
Key 1988 stat: Two Ted Power books read
Choose your own adventure: You are Gary Sheffield, stud baseball rookie and badass. Your gold necklace weighs 5 pounds and your bat shoots stars when you swing it. You're on deck during the bottom of the ninth in a tie game with the White Sox and decide to pop a refreshing piece of Bazooka bubble gum. OW! Turns out the gum you put in your mouth is hard as a rock, and you now have two broken molars! Manager Tom Trebelhorn is ready to send in a pinch hitter for you. What do you do?

To wuss out and let someone else bat for you, click here.
To pop another piece of delicious Bazooka gum and let the chips fall where they may, click here.
To lose your mind and start shooting stars from your bat at everyone, click here.
To rip off your sleeves, swallow your broken teeth and stride to plate like a badass, click here.

Gary Sheffield, 1989 Topps Bazooka insert

Ken Griffey Jr., 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Ken Griffey Jr.

Team: Seattle Mariners

Positions: Outfield, Magician

Value of card: The coin behind your ear

Key 1991 stat: 24 assistants sawed in half

The Great Griffey: At the tender age of 21, Ken Griffey Jr. was already becoming a superstar with the Seattle Mariners. His raw talent was spectacular, but a large part of his success came from magic. As shown on this card, when Griffey would get tired of swinging the bat, he could still knock the ball 550 feet by levitating the lumber. His teammate father would at times chide The Kid for linking batting doughnuts together and turning Jay "Bone" Buhner into a sea lion. As Griffey grew older and more powerful on the field, his wizardry also gained strength. In 1996, he outdueled David Copperfield for the right to spend a night with the beautiful Claudia Schiffer. When an up-and-coming illusionist named Teller accused Griffey of using his powers irresponsibly, Junior stole the man's voice and gave it to a mute orphan from Vancouver. Griffey began putting on elaborate stage shows involving pumas and flamethrowers, and started a raging love affair with his mysterious gypsy assistant. But when the slugger was traded to Cincinnati prior to the 2000 season, the scorned woman cursed her lover from the waist down, turning his knees and hamstrings into egg shells and taking the pop out of his "bat." In 2009, Griffey returned to Seattle in an attempt to reverse the jinx, only to learn the gypsy had been mauled to death by a blood-thirsty sea lion with a goatee.

Card contributed by Miranda Everitt Stenger

Ken Griffey Jr., 1992 Donruss Triple Play