Heathcliff Slocumb, 1997 Topps

Name: Heathcliff Slocumb

Team: Boston Red Sox

Positions: Pitcher, The Epitome of Manliness

Value of card: As much as that chain

Key 1996 stat: Zero undershirts

A card that makes you more of a man: Need a boost of testosterone? Take a look at this card. Heathcliff Slocumb and the Topps production team provide what ExtenZe, the Hair Club for Men and beating up a much smaller person can't: masculinity enhancement. Slocumb is a man's man. He doesn't wear an undershirt; he lets the world witness a pectoral covered in a tuft of chest hair. He wears a chain that would drag most men to the ground. Maybe most importantly, his bulge travels nearly to his knee. But Slocumb's manliness doesn't stop there. He rocks a beer gut that would make John Kruk jealous. He has a mustache whose only responsibility is to make the mean look on his face even meaner. And, as a fitting exclamation to the point that Slocumb is The Epitome of Manliness, he doesn't pitch the ball to batters, he punches it at them.

Card submitted by reilljt0

Heathcliff Slocumb, 1997 Topps

Jose Canseco, Terry Steinbach, Mark McGwire 1989 Fleer

Names: Jose Canseco, from left, Terry Steinbach and Mark McGwire

Team: Oakland A's

Positions: Outfield, catcher, first base, respectively

Value of card: Do I hear $4? How 'bout $3. Twooo dollahs, two dollahs. Do I hear $1.50?

Key 1988 stat: One bachelor auction bash

Measuring up: The A's sluggers of the late 1980s were competitive. They challenged one another to eating contests. They challenged one another to races. They challenged one another to show, once and for all, who could inject the most steroids. But the competition reached its pinnacle when Jose Canseco, Terry Steinbach and Mark McGwire entered themselves in a bachelor auction. Canseco sent in a photo of himself shirtless. Steinbach sent in 40 strands of chest hair tied with a ribbon. McGwire sent in a Big Mac with a photo of his face between the meat and the bun. All three were given entry based on their submissions. The women of the Bay Area waited with bated breath for the auction.

The big night: Canseco, Steinbach and McGwire were backstage in their uniforms, oozing confidence, standing in front of a fake background of the Oakland Coliseum. Then, between auctioning off a high-powered lawyer and basketball heartthrob Kurt Rambis, the auctioneer approached the Triple A's. "Well, we have your heights, weights and occupations," she said, "but we're missing measurements for, ahem, that certain something." Canseco puffed out his chest. Steinbach turned white. McGwire looked down his pants. "That's right, boys," the auctioneer said. "You have to measure up before you take my stage." The players' competitive edges took control. The Triple A's pulled out their manhoods, as seen above. The auctioneer giggled, gave them a Triple F and told them to hit the showers.

Jose Canseco, Terry Steinbach, Mark McGwire 1989 Fleer

Bill Wegman, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Bill Wegman

Team: Milwaukee Brewers

Positions: Pitcher, pitchman

Value of card: The cost of a postage stamp

Key 1991 stat: 3 inches "grown"

Mr. Wegman makes his pitch: After winning 15 games with a 2.84 ERA in 1991, Bill Wegman signed on to promote a fledgling pharmaceutical company he knew little about. When he first heard ExtenZe could enhance that certain part of a male body, he was skeptical, but thought, "This could be fun." After six months of swallowing little blue pills, Wegman had become the cock of the walk.

Script from Wegman's TV commerical: "Male enhancement. Two years ago, scientists had no idea the power contained in this little blue pill. Before I started taking ExtenZe, I could barely bring myself to walk in the clubhouse shower. Women flocked to my more manly teammates, like Rob Deer, Robin Yount and Ron Robinson, but the word was out that my cup wasn't exactly running over. Now, I have to keep this black 'Topps Stadium Club' sign with my name on it in front of my groin at all times to avoid tarnishing a child's innocence. ExtenZe will work for you, too, or we'll send you your money back. If it didn't work, could we afford to do this? Call now. You've got nothing to lose, but a lot to gain."

Bill Wegman, 1992 Topps Stadium Club