Jerry Glanville, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 65)

Name: Jerry Glanville
Team: Atlanta Falcons
Position: Head coach
Value of card: Grease on your jeans
Key 1992 stat: 36 biker bars visited
A handful of nicknames given to Jerry Glanville:

• The Bozo in Black
• The Buckle
• Jerry "Who Are You Foolin'?" Glanville
• Motorcycle Mama
• Hardly Davidson

Jerry Glanville, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 65)

The Ripkens, 1989 Bowman

Names: Cal Ripken Jr., Cal Ripken Sr., Billy Ripken
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Positions: Shortstop, manager, second base
Value of card: 5 cents for Cal Jr., 1 cent for Cal Sr., minus 3 cents for Billy = 3 cents
Key 1988 stat: Zero family dinners free of arguments
It's time for a family-not-so-friendly edition of The Matchup, refereed by Cal Ripken Sr.:

Round 1: Fielding ("I got to go with my boy Cal Jr," Cal Sr. says.)
Round 2: Throwing ("Again, my son Cal has Billy beat here.")
Round 3: Hitting for average (Not even close; it's my son Cal.")
Round 4: Hitting for power (Not to pile on, Billy, but I have to go with your brother Cal.")
Round 5: Base running ("This might surprise you, but Billy can be an idiot on the base paths, so I have to go with Cal.")
Round 6: Bulge ("Just take a look at the picture: It's Cal all the way.")
Round 7: Baseball card history ("No one has a better card than my boy Billy. Love ya son!")

Score: Cal Jr. 6, Billy 1

Synopsis: No one knows Cal Sr.'s boys better than Dad, and it shows in this runaway win for the Hall of Famer, save for the greatest error card of all time.

The Ripkens, 1989 Bowman

Mike Ditka, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 59)

Name: Mike Ditka
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Coach
Value of card: $1 off the blue-plate special
Key 1992 stat: 14 pounds of sauerkraut consumed
It's time to steady your stomachs for another Bust recipe: Ditka's is an actual chain of restaurants owned by the actual Mike Ditka. It's got a pretty good reputation, but thankfully no longer serves the Big Tuna Salad Sandwich, pictured above and named after fellow coaching legend Bill Parcells. Here's how you, too, can try that dish:

2 cans of tuna in oil
2 cans of tuna in water
1 tuna steak
1 spicy tuna roll
1 pair of Bill Parcells' dirty boxers
1 picture of Al Toon
4 pounds of mayonnaise
2 slices of white toast
4 ounces of grass from your yard

Make a salad from the grass     don't worry; if you want this dish, odds are you don't eat salad anyway. Then mix all the other ingredients in a large bowl. Pour the mixture into a large skillet, then throw away the bowl. Cook over low heat for 3 hours or until the mayonnaise becomes pungent. Serve on toast, incinerate the excess and throw away the skillet. Enjoy!

Mike Ditka, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 59)

George Seifert, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 52)

Name: George Seifert
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Head coach
Value of card: All the real gold that's in that jacket
Key 1990 stat: 14 early-bird specials
Some of 49ers head coach George Seifert's best plays:

• Gold 7 jacket's buttons hook
• Grey right silver fox square out
• Double pleated pants seam left 
• Solo left 6-gallon hat on three
• Red right gold left blinded by outfit on sight hut hut hike

George Seifert, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 52)

Marty Schottenheimer, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 46)

Name: Marty Schottenheimer
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Head coach
Value of card: 4 strands of wool
Key 1990 stat: 4 "Tecmo Bowl" plays used in a game
Some fashion tips from coach Marty Schottenheimer:

• "Your sweater should have at least five sections; but six or more is preferred."
• "Whenever you can put a logo on your slacks, do it. Ladies love logos."
• "When you get a new hat, don't adjust it. In fact, don't even look at it. Just put it on your head."
• "There's nothing wrong with feminine cuffs."
• "Have your great-aunt sew you a sweater when you have to look your best."
• "Wool is the perfect fabric for special occasions."

Marty Schottenheimer, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 46)

Yogi Berra (Astros Leaders), 1987 Topps

Name: Yogi Berra
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Bench coach
Value of card: "Ninety percent of the value is half of nothing," Berra said.
Key 1986 stat: 1 bench coach featured on a baseball card (all time)
Some of the leading Yogiisms that Berra used when helping coach the Astros in 1986:

• "You could observe a lot by watching this group. Well, maybe not."
• "It ain't over till it's over, unless we're talking about our World Series chances, which are over."
• "Watching this team lose is deja vu all over again."
• "Nobody comes to the Astrodome anymore. It's too crowded."
• "This team is a bunch of overwhelming underdogs. Make that underwhelming overdogs."
• "They made too many wrong mistakes."

Yogi Berra (Astros Leaders), 1987 Topps

Don Shula, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 202)

Name: Don Shula
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Coach
Value of card: A pound of neon chalk dust
Key 1990 stat: Mentioned 2,497 times that the '72 Dolphins went undefeated
It's a Football Friday edition of The Caption, which might have appeared in the Miami Herald circa 1990: "Dolphins head coach Don Shula attempts to laugh off being ditched by a group of his players at a Latin nightclub late Friday night in downtown Miami. Shula sat quietly in a corner for two hours, his smile eventually turning to tears, before Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino showed up, carried Shula out of the club in his arms and placed him in the passenger seat of his car."

Don Shula, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 202)

Joe Altobelli, 1979 Topps

Name: Joe Altobelli and the San Francisco Giants
Team: See above
Position: Manager and the team
Value of card: One-quarter of a cent for each player on the card
Key 1978 stat: 22 fights with the Dodgers
Let's take a look at Joe Altobelli and the 1979 Giants by the numbers:

36: Players and coaches in uniform
36: Players and coaches chewing tobacco in this photo
11: Players and coaches who could play at a big-league level
3: Clubhouse guys wearing satin jackets that could sell for $200 each on eBay to San Francisco hipsters
6: Players sitting on boxes filled with homeless people sleeping
1: Player ruining the photo by looking off camera (We're looking at you, front row far right)
1: Player taking lounging to an uncomfortable level (We're looking at you, middle row second from right)
1: Unhappy manager

Joe Altobelli, 1979 Topps

Wes Unseld, 1990-91 NBA Hoops (NBA Playoffs Week No. 4)

Name: Wes Unseld
Team: Washington Bullets
Position: Coach
Value of card: As many cents as Coach Unseld had winning seasons (translation: zero)
Key 1990 stat: 816 death glares
Here's what Wes Unseld stands for:

Wizards or Bullets ...
Either way, Washington fans haven't had much to celebrate until this year
Suspenders for pants, suspension lift for hair

Unseld could have started ahead of most of his players in the early '90s
Nobody on the bench could see around that sizable backside
Skinny tie? No, just a wide man
Eyeglasses appear to be molded to his head
Looks like someone has a case of the Mondays
Down deep, though, he just wants a hug

Wes Unseld, 1990-91 NBA Hoops (NBA Playoffs Week No. 4)

Bruce Bochy, 1987 Topps

Name: Bruce Bochy
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Even trade for a 1988 Bruce Bochy Topps card (or, just discard it in the garbage)
Key 1987 stat: Size 8 head
It's time for a future-manager pop quiz:

Just how big is Bruce Bochy's head?

(A) It's so big, Baskin-Robbins used that helmet in a promotional giveaway and filled it with all 32 flavors.
(B) It's so big, he avoiding getting haircuts because he'd get charged double.
(C) It's so big, he has three brains crammed in there.
(D) It's so big, this card weighs 11 pounds.
(E) All of the above.

Bruce Bochy, 1987 Topps

Whitey Herzog, 1982 Donruss (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 7)

Name: Dorrel Norman Evert "Whitey" Herzog
Team: St. Louis "Cards"
Position: Manager
Value of card: One lesson on how not to wear a jacket
Key 1981 stat: 27 people punched for calling him by his given name
Top 10 things that could be found in Whitey Herzog's face wrinkles:

10) Brisket
9) A properly adjusted collar
8) Loose beard hairs from Bruce Sutter
7) More wrinkles
6) A mother's love
5) That day's lineup card
4) The rest of his sideburns
3) The rest of his turtleneck
2) Blueprints for the Gateway Arch
1) A cure for Willie McGee's homeliness

Whitey Herzog, 1982 Donruss (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 7)

Rich Kotite, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 6)

Name: Rich Kotite
Team: Philadelphia Eagles
Position: Head coach
Value of card: 8 pounds of eagle droppings
Key 1990 stat: 164 stripes on his sweater
Here's what Eagles head coach Rich Kotite stands for:

Rich in sweaters, not in love
Itchy as anyone in America in this outfit
Cardigan? Not on your life, pal
Has wool running through his veins

Knit was more than a description of his outerwear; it was a way of life
Outside he's warm; inside, a cold, cold man
Turtleneck alert! Turtleneck alert!
Inspired hundreds of Philadelphia-area mothers to embarrass their kids in similar sweaters
Traded season tickets for a lint roller
Each strand of sweater, a statement in early 1990s fashion

Rich Kotite, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 6)

Mike Ditka, Diana Ditka, 1992 Pro Line Spirit (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 5)

Names: Diana Ditka, Mike Ditka
Teams: Biker Mamas, Chicago Bears
Position: Coach's wife, head coach
Value of card: Two pairs of white pants (same style) for the price of one
Key 1991 stat: 182,290 bugs in teeth (combined)
Clearing up some rumors about Mike Ditka and his lovely wife, Diana:

• Diana Ditka does not use the phrase "riding the hog" when talking about motorcycles. That's the phrase she uses when discussing her married sex life.
• Mike Ditka is not wearing David Puddy's 8-ball jacket from "Seinfeld." He's wearing an even more ludicrous jacket.
• Mike Ditka does, in fact, take his wife everywhere on his motorcycle. But she keeps finding her way home.
• Mike Ditka does, in fact, need to wear a motorcycle helmet for safety. Diana does not     her hair serves the same purpose.
• This is not Mike Ditka's most embarrassing moment. That would be this video of him yelling at a bunch of kids about flushing the toilet (preferably after putting this card in it).

Mike Ditka, Diana Ditka, 1992 Pro Line Spirit (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 5)

Jim Leyland, 2009 Topps (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 4)

Name: Jim Leyland
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Manager
Value of card: 11 cigarette butts
Key 2008 stat: 14 pet tigers that Jim Leyland kept outside his lair
Let's take a look at Jim Leyland, by the numbers: 

.330: Batting practice batting average
.606: Batting practice slugging percentage
.999: Batting practice OPS

44: Batting practice home runs
139: Batting practice RBIs
377: Batting practice total bases

Er, wait. Those were Miguel Cabrera's 2012 statistics. Here are the numbers we were looking for:

.330: Batting practice expletives-per-sentence average
.606: Batting practice tobacco ingestion average
.999: Batting practice mustache average

44: Batting practice reporter cuss-outs
139: Batting practice farts blamed on the dog
377: Batting practice jockstrap readjustments

Jim Leyland, 2009 Topps (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 4)

Billy Martin, 1972 Topps (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 3)

Name: Billy Martin
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Manager
Value of card: Knowing that Billy Martin thinks you're No. 1
Key 1971 stat: Not yet fired by the Yankees
Let's run down The Chances:

What are the chances ...
Billy Martin is flipping off baseball card collectors everywhere: 37%
Billy Martin is flipping off the photographer: 64%
Billy Martin had a premonition and is pre-emptively flipping off George Steinbrenner: 100%

What are the chances ...
This card caused children to stop collecting sports cards: 4%
This card caused mothers to stop buying cards for their kids: 20%
This card caused Topps to start oh-so-discreetly airbrushing photos: 100%
 

What are the chances ...
Billy Martin felt ashamed after seeing this card: 12%
Billy Martin felt proud after seeing this card: 33%
Billy Martin continued to feel drunk after seeing this card: 100%

Billy Martin, 1972 Topps (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 3)

Jim Fregosi, 1981 Donruss (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 2)

Name: Jim Fregosi
Team: California Angels
Position: Manager
Value of card: The yellow stitching from the halo in a sweat-soiled Angels hat
Key 1980 stat: 22 gold chains worn underneath jersey
It's time for a batting-practice pop quiz:

What has Angels manager the late Jim Fregosi so enraptured?

(A) He looked to his right and saw a man with more bodacious sideburns than his, and that man was an Elvis Presley impersonator.
(B) He looked to his right and saw a real angel, and that angel told him he should be an Elvis Presley impersonator.
(C) He looked to his right and saw a man dressed like Elvis Presley with an angel's halo and wings, and that man told him to keep growing his bodacious sideburns.
(D) He looked to his right and saw his reflection in a mirror, and thought, "Geez, I'm an Angel with Elvis Presley sideburns."
(E) All of the above.

Jim Fregosi, 1981 Donruss (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 2)

Earl Weaver, 1983 Topps (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 1)

Name: Earl Weaver
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Manager
Value of card: 2 ounces of Weaver spit
Key 1982 stat: 14 tons of dirt kicked on umpires' shoes
Baseball's back, baby: We here at The Bust believe that when you do something well, you should do it again. Nevertheless, we're bringing you the second installment of Coach-Manager Week, featuring some of the grumpiest and grimiest old men the sports world has ever seen, just in time for Opening Day.

Some make-believe sage advice from Earl Weaver, given during the photo shoot pictured above:

• "Even if you're not drunk, look drunk."
• "Combs are for sissies and Yankees."
• "Orioles make for good eatin'. I'm talkin' 'bout the bird, idiot."
• "Sometimes, you have to visit a blind barber."
• "Wrinkles are the road map of the face. Grow some."
• "Next time you're feelin' blue, spit on an umpire."

Earl Weaver, 1983 Topps (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 1)

Dave Huppert, 1988 California Leauge All-Stars

Name: Dave Huppert
Team: Stockton Ports
Position: Manager
Value of card: One baby-smooth shave
Key 1987 stat: Spent a week in Stockton one night
Top 10 things that can be seen up Dave Huppert's nose in this photo:

10) Dave Huppert's brain
9) Another one of those giant electrical towers
8) The charm of Stockton, Calif.
7) A baseball card featuring Dave Huppert
6) The origin of the universe
5) A second, slightly smaller curled mullet
4) The ball from his one major league hit
3) Snails
2) The entirety of his nostrils
1) A booger the size of his neck

Card submitted by Zach Jones

Dave Huppert, 1988 California Leauge All-Stars

Buddy Ryan, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 188)

Name: Buddy Ryan
Team: Philadelphia Eagles
Position: Head coach
Value of card: One pair of Buddy's used thermal underpants
Key 1990 stat: Dressed like this all year long
A handful of nicknames for the comically cold Buddy Ryan:

• Buddy the Elf
• Kermit the Hog
• The Not-Very-Jolly Green Giant
• The Four-Ton Clover
• Buddy "I Can Barely Touch My Hands Together" Ryan
• The Green Gobbler
• Not Your Buddy, Guy
• The Incredible Bulk

Buddy Ryan, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 188)

Earl Weaver, 1982 Donruss

Name: Earl Weaver
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Manager
Value of card: A minuscule denomination of money no longer in circulation
Key 1981 stat: 211,900 wrinkles
10 real quotes from the one and only Earl Weaver:
10) "Coaches are an integral part of any manager's team, especially if they are good pinochle players."
9) "We're so bad right now that for us back-to-back home runs means one today and another one tomorrow."
8) "Optimism is the cheerful frame of mind that enables a teakettle to sing, though in hot water up to its nose."
7) "Smart managing is dumb. The three-run homers you trade for in December will always beat brains."
6) "(That umpire) is incompetent. (Those other two umpires) are almost as incompetent as (the first umpire). ... The blind one. ... The worst. ... Not smart enough to remember the rule book. ... If he ever touches me again without that blue uniform on, I'll consider it assault and his family will have to fly to see him at Johns Hopkins Hospital."
5) "Don't worry. The fans don't start booing until July."
4) "I think the National League has better biorhythms in July."
3) "Every time I fail to smoke a cigarette between innings, the opposition will score."
2) "If you know how to cheat, start now."
1) "On my tombstone just write, 'The sorest loser that ever lived.'"

Earl Weaver, 1982 Donruss