Ken Griffey Jr., 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Names: Ken Griffey Jr. and random grandma
Teams: Seattle Mariners, Team Upper Deck
Positions: Outfield, grandma
Value of card: Back in her day, this card would have cost about what it's worth now
Key 1994 stat: One meal on wheels
Let's go to Seattle for a cross-generational Matchup: 

Round 1: Looks better in a hat (Winner: Griffey)
Round 2: Makes a better apple crumble (Winner: Grandma)
Round 3: Smells more like mothballs (Winner: Grandma)
Round 4: Weeks away from an debilitating injury (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: More apt to swat a baseball (Winner: Griffey)
Round 6: More apt to swat a behind (Winner: Grandma)
Round 7: Cringing slightly from unwanted physical contact (Winner: Grandma)

Final score: Grandma 4, Griffey 2 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: Grandma took The Kid to the woodshed in this Matchup, but she'll still make him that apple crumble. Thanks, Grandma!

Card submitted by John Stoddert

Ken Griffey Jr., 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Alex Rodriguez, 1998 Score

Name: Alex Rodriguez
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: $275,000,000 (Rodriguez's current contract) x 0
Key 1997 stat: Zero accusations of performance-enhancing drug use
Top 10 reasons Alex Rodriguez was getting miked up:
10) High-energy pop performance with former paramour Madonna.
9) TV spot for the D.A.R.E program.
8) Pregame chat with the Texas Rangers because, uh — no reason, Mariners front office.
7) Session with kids on how to modify a batting helmet and mitt to save time between innings.
6) In-game analysis for Fox during a drug suspension.
5) Commercial to pitch his A-Rod Custom Fly-Fishing Rods.
4) He's not getting miked up; that's a polygraph machine.
3) On-air interview with Pompous Male magazine.
2) Two words: Tom Emanski.
1) Grand jury testimony

Alex Rodriguez, 1998 Score

Rick Jones, 1977 Topps

Name: Rick Jones
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 2 chewed, broken pencils with no lead
Key 1976 stat: 11 fish caught at Pike Place Market
Quite the portrait: Um, Topps, what the hell is going on here? We have a normal-looking pitcher with a more-than-normal name with an odd tuft of chest hair. All in all, a pretty standard card — one you normally wouldn't find on The Bust. But then there's the small issue of this card being some kind of an illustration. An illustration? What is this, a precursor to the Diamond King? Some crazy printing error? A joke played on collectors? Or is it a curious solution to the Mariners coming into existence in 1977? In truth, it's all four. Excellent work, Topps!

Rick Jones, 1977 Topps

Karl Best, 1987 Donruss

Name: Karl Best
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: See that necklace? It's worth nothing even close to that.
Key 1986 stat: 122 fish caught at Pike Place Market
Some of the reasons Karl was "the Best":

• No one else wore a $4 mesh hat during a Mariners game.
• No other pitchers had serial killer eyes.
• No other 11th-graders made it onto a baseball card.
• No other Mariners spent their evenings bagging your groceries.
• No other Major League Baseball player had such an ironic last name.

Karl Best, 1987 Donruss

Shon Ashley, 1988 California League All-Stars

Name: Shon Ashley
Team: Stockton (Calif.) Ports
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 2 NewPorts
Key 1987 stat: 7 days spent in Stockton 1 night
Seattle Mariners' scouting report on minor-league prospect Shon Ashley: "Five-tool player. Of course, one of those tools is a hammer and another is a wrench. ... Minor-league 'stache, big-league arm hair. ... Tough to evaluate anyone in a uniform like that. ... Decent argument to bring him up just to get the poor guy out of Stockton. ... Could distract the pitcher if he actually bats like this. ... Not sure we want anyone on our team who spells 'Shon' like that."

Card submitted by Zach Jones

Shon Ashley, 1988 California League All-Stars

Alex Rodriguez, 1998 Pinnacle Plus Lasting Memories

Name: Alex Rodriguez
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: Your worst childhood memory
Key 1997 stat: Yet to be called "Pay-Rod" or "A-Roid"
Misty, water-colored memories: A-Rod sure has provided baseball fans with a lot of memories over the years. Here are a few, most of which we didn't make up:

• That time he single-handedly broke the baseball salary structure
• That time he hit that home run off that guy
• That time when his lips were purple
• That time he and Cameron Diaz grossed everyone out with popcorn
• That time he got a shot in the behind from Anthony Bosch
• That time he nibbled on a fan's ear
• That time he and Bud Selig decided whether his suspension would be upheld by wrestling barechested in oil

Alex Rodriguez, 1998 Pinnacle Plus Lasting Memories

Ken Phelps, 1987 Donruss

Name: Ken Phelps
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: First base, designated hitter
Value of card: 3 ounces of Seattle rainwater
Key 1986 stat: 9 inches of mustache
It's time for yet another pop quiz:

Why is Ken Phelps so happy?

(A) It's Pocket Protector Night at the Kingdome.
(B) He just won first place in the Best Lip Foliage of Seattle contest.
(C) He's penciled in as the designated hitter, allowing him to do math equations for most of the game.
(D) He always gets a kick out of wearing his Groucho glasses.
(E) All of the above.

Ken Phelps, 1987 Donruss

Randy Johnson, 1995 Score

Name: Randy Johnson
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Ace
Value of card: Six feet and 10 inches of dog turds
Key 1994 stat: One sad
Randy Johnson's train of thought from 3:10 to 3:12 p.m., March 24, 1995: "Sigh. It's just not fair. Why do the guys always have to hold a limbo contest before practice starts? I can't bend that far     heck, my knees are taller that the starting point! Sigh. It sure does look like a lot of fun, though. Plus, the winner gets a Tupperware full of Griffey's jerk chicken and a bag of Buhner's finest Jamaican reefer. I like those things. Siiiigh. I guess I'll just sit over here by the bat rack and smell my mullet for a little while. Hmm, is that mustard? Mmm, Dijon! I remember that sandwich. Oh, man. Now I'm hungry. Sigh. Guess I'll just lick my palm until they're done."

Randy Johnson, 1995 Score

Alex Rodriguez, 1998 Pinnacle Naturals

Name: Alex Rodriguez
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: One used syringe
Key 1997 stat: Had yet to piss off baseball fans everywhere
A handful of other things just as "natural" as A-Rod:

• Crop circles
• Spider-Man
• Manti Te'o's college girlfriend
• The jackalope
• Pyramid schemes
• Barry Bonds

Alex Rodriguez, 1998 Pinnacle Naturals

Rick Auerbach, 1982 Topps

Name: Rick Auerbach
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: Constant drizzle
Key 1981 stat: Neither related to nor as successful as Red Auerbach
Ten things hidden behind Rick Auerbach's sideburns of destiny:
10) The Space Needle
9) Gaylord Perry
8) Rick's boyish good looks
7) A baseball
6) A baseball glove
5) A baseball stadium
4) One gnarly crop of pimples
3) The world's most striking face tan line
2) The Great and Powerful Oz
1) A whole other set of sideburns

Rick Auerbach, 1982 Topps

Jay Buhner, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 7)

Name: Jay Buhner
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One frightened child
Key 1995 stat: Chewed through 22 bats
Fun facts about Jay Buhner and the North American beaver:

• The beaver has been extensively hunted for its fur. Buhner has extensively hunted for ways to grow hair.
• The beaver can be regularly found at its home in various bodies of water. Buhner spends lots of time at various watering holes.
• The beaver's young are primarily taken care of by their mother. Buhner's young, as seen above, is wishing desperately for his mother.
• Female beavers are often larger than their male counterparts of the same age. Buhner also liked his women larger than him.
• The beaver is known to eat the water lily, which bears a resemblance to a cabbage stalk. The last time Buhner ate cabbage, it was in sauerkraut and served on top of a 5-foot-long frankfurter at an eating competition.
• When alarmed, the beaver will slap the surface of the water with its broad tail. Buhner has alarmed many broads by slapping them below the tailbone.

Jay Buhner, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 7)

Randy Johnson, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 6)

Name: Randy Johnson
Team: Seattle Mariners
Positions: Ace, drummer
Value of card: One dropped beat
Key 1995 stat: Looked ridiculous not once but twice on this card
Hit singles you may have heard from Randy Johnson and his Seattle grunge band, Mother Love Dome: 

• "Man in the Batter's Box"
• "Hunger Strike Three"
• "No Rain Delay"
• "Cherub Walk"
• "Jeromy (Burnitz)"
• "Black Home Run"
• "Smells Like Team's Jock Straps"

Randy Johnson, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 6)

Barry Bonds (and Ken Griffey Jr.), 1996 Upper Deck (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 1)

Name: Barry Bonds (feat. Ken Griffey Jr.)
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Overbidding in the Showcase Showdown on "The Price is Right"
Key 1995 stat: Five fingers (that's four more than he usually gave photographers)
Just in time for the MLB playoffs, it's V.J. Lovero Showcase Week: When talented Sports Illustrated photographer V.J. Lovero died in 2004, he left behind many great baseball images, as well as one of the most ridiculous baseball card subsets of all time, the 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase. This week, we're highlighting seven of the most absurd shots from that collection, all intended to show MLB stars at their most colorful (and we all know how well that's turned out before).
Something's amiss: There's something unusual about this card, but we just can't put our finger on it. It's not Griffey, with his hat turned backward, smile on his face       the Kid always seemed to be smiling in the mid-'90s. It's definitely not Barry, waving away a member of the media with a look of displeasure. That's par for the course. It's not even that ad on the fence for Arrowhead Water, so cool and refreshing after a day (OK, three innings) of patrolling the outfield during a spring training game. Wait a sec ... spring training ... that's it! A cloudy day in Phoenix? Unheard of. What, did it start raining toads next?

Barry Bonds (and Ken Griffey Jr.), 1996 Upper Deck (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 1)

Ken Griffey Jr., 1992 Upper Deck Looney Tunes Comic Ball

Names: Ken Griffey Jr., Bugs Bunny
Team: Seattle Mariners
Positions: Outfield, down a hole
Value of card: 12 rabbit pellets
Key 1991 stat: Zero seats filled in stadium despite image being Photoshopped
It's time for a Looney Tunes edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Worldwide fame (Winner: Bugs)
Round 2: Mustache "whiskers" (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Lack of embarrassing buck teeth (Winner: Griffey)
Round 4: Righteous blue glove (Winner: Griffey)
Round 5: Shocking sexual innuendo (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Cool custom hat (Winner: Bugs)
Round 7: Anatomical correctness (Winner: Griffey)

Score: Griffey 3, Bugs 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: The laugh-a-minute cartoon rabbit put up an impressive fight, but, in the end, the turtleneck beat the hare.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Ken Griffey Jr., 1992 Upper Deck Looney Tunes Comic Ball

Randy Johnson, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sidelines Week No. 7)

Name: Randy Johnson
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One small unit of currency (namely, a penny)
Key 1991 stat: 2,813 items stolen
A Mariner's misdemeanor: All this week, Pinnacle has shown us what players like to do off the field. We've seen Robin Yount riding a dirt bike, John Burkett wearing pink and Jim Gott flying through the air in a Halloween costume. Now, you might think that today's card is illustrating Randy Johnson's love of photography. However, the Big Unit didn't care one bit about F-stops and zoom lenses      he just liked to steal. In the above photo, Johnson has persuaded the Pinnacle photographer to hand over one of his cameras and is telling the photog, "Thanks, sucker." Johnson then ran back to the dugout and stuffed the camera in his locker, right beside Jay Buhner's scented lotions and one of Edgar Martinez's wheels of gouda.

Card courtesy of Fat Shawn Kemp

Randy Johnson, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sidelines Week No. 7)

Jerry Reed, 1989 Donruss

Name: Jerry Reed
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 11 shots of saliva, poured into 11 shot glasses, all warmed in microwave
Key 1988 stat: Zero athletic-looking wind-ups over the course of the season
It's time once again for The Caption, which we're told ran in the Seattle Times in 1989: "Jerry Reed of the Seattle Mariners mimics a legitimate pitcher for a few laughs from fans off to the side of an actual baseball game while sticking out his tongue in an attempt to pretend he was concentrating on his wind-up, though it was obvious to anyone watching that the only thing he was concentrating on was looking as ridiculous as possible, on Wednesday at the Kingdome in Seattle."

Jerry Reed, 1989 Donruss

Al Cowens, 1984 Mother's Cookies insert

Name: Al Cowens
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Outfield
Value of card: About 2 1/2 minutes of personal flexibility training
Key 1984 stat: Fan-favorite third base coach (OK, maybe second favorite)
The freaks come out at night: When the post-game lights dimmed inside the Kingdome (RIP, our concrete-roofed friend), the evening wasn't over for Al Cowens. It ain't till the 12th inning that the party really starts. Alfred E. played for four teams during his 12-year career, racking up a lifetime .270 batting average and a .984 third-base percentage, with the ladies. Al did it in the park, and Al did it in the dark.

Card and words submitted by actual Alaskan Chris Sergeant

Al Cowens, 1984 Mother's Cookies insert

Randy Johnson, 1992 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Name: Randy Johnson
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Ace
Value of card: 14 units of the "big" variety
Key 1991 stat: 328 grown men scared
A disturbing portrait: What is it? What is this frightening creature before us? It has the mane of a lion but the neck of a giraffe. It has the evil stare of a gargoyle and the jagged features of a pterodactyl. It throws balls of fire and spits acid-laced epithets. It is mean, no doubt. But what is this thing? We're not sure, but that out-of-proportion S on its hat must stand for "scary."

Randy Johnson, 1992 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Derek Lowe, 1992 Bowman (Bowman Fashion Week No. 7)

Name: Derek Lowe
Team: Seattle Mariners
Positions: Pitcher, leaning against a tree
Value of card: It's very Lowe
Key 1991 stat: Cheeks rosy 72 percent of the time
Today's fashion model: We finish this week of haute couture with a baby-faced Derek Lowe. Let's begin with the dominant element of his outfit, the tri-tone, five-stripe, size-XXXL long-sleeve polo shirt. Having been born in Michigan, Lowe stays warm      and hot!      with sleeves that would cover his fingers were they not pulled up at the wrist. Of course, Derek keeps his cool by refusing to button up his collar, thereby showing off the undershirt he's wearing under that acre of striped finery. Of course, let's not forget what's going on downstairs. With hips so slim, Derek requires not one but TWO buttons to keep his jeans from falling off. Sorry, ladies! And is it just us, or do those pockets go all the way to the knees? Of course, that may be necessary just to hold all the hearts this hunk is going to steal.

Derek Lowe, 1992 Bowman (Bowman Fashion Week No. 7)

Mike Hampton, 1992 Bowman

Name: Mike Hampton
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 16 frayed threads
Key 1991 stat: 22 sessions of modeling lessons
10 places you might have seen Mike Hampton in 1992:
10) In an alley, buying a knockoff Casio digital watch
9) At a golf tournament, playing poorly with the wrong kind of balls
8) In a salon, getting his hair professionally parted
7) At the 16th annual Thick Neck Convention
6) On a baseball field, unable to play because he forgot his uniform
5) In the Hamptons
4) Just about any frat house at just about any university
3) At your sister's, juggling his balls
2) Rifling through Seattle-area Gap garbage bins
1) Sears catalog

Mike Hampton, 1992 Bowman