Tony Saunders, 1997 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: Tony Saunders
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Old fishing bait
Key 1996 stat: 137 cheeseburgers eaten
Upper Deck photographer's directions to Tony Saunders from 11:23 to 11:25 a.m., March 17, 1997: "OK, Tony, let's start by having you hold the ball in front of you, like you're showing it to me. Could you bring it up a little higher? Higher, please. Just, not so close to your crotch. No, farther from your crotch, please. Tony, please stop making that gesture with the ball. It's not funny. No, I'm not impressed by your 'slide piece.' Hold the ball higher, away from your crotch, please. Please. No, the count is not two balls and no strikes. Lots of people are going to see this card, you know. OK, a handful of people, but still, is this how you want them to know you? All right, fine. I hope Sheffield makes you eat that ball later."

Tony Saunders, 1997 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Benny Santiago, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Team Series

Name: Benito "Benny" Santiago
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Catcher
Value of card: A quarter, flipped and then lost down a sewer grate
Key 1993 stat: Zero marlins caught
Repetitive motion disorder: Watching a catcher toss off his mask and go scrambling for a ball is one of the most dramatic sights in baseball. Benny Santiago knew this and used it to his advantage. He'd wear his headgear constantly, whether at the ballpark, out in public or in the comfort of his own home. Here are some less appropriate situations in which Benny flipped his lid, so to speak:

• In the car, anytime he tried to run a yellow light
• When the restaurant check came
• Anytime the bartender called last call
• During "Bud Bowl III"
• Whenever he heard the chorus of Van Halen's "Jump"
• After making sweet, sweet love to Mrs. Santiago

Benny Santiago, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Team Series

Jim Eisenreich, 1997 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: Jim Eisenreich
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One used paper towel
Key 1996 stat: Cursed constantly, though it had nothing to do with him having Tourette syndrome
Sad but true: Jim Eisenreich made the horns sign everywhere he went      on the base paths, in the dugout, at the mall, even during family dinner night at Applebee's. But try as he might, the poor guy never got anyone to fall for the bait and make his dream come true. No, nobody ever called him "Jim Eisenrock."

Jim Eisenreich, 1997 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Charlie Hough, 1993 Topps Team Stadium Club

Name: Charlie Hough
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Old pitcher
Value of card: Whatever you find in his diaper
Key 1993 stat: 24th season, but not his last
Quotes from Charlie Hough about his role on the Florida Marlins:

• "A lot of guys my age are in Florida. They're just retired."
• "This teal uniform really balances well with my liver spots."
• "My great-grandkids are looking forward to going to Disney World the next time they visit."
• "Anyone got any extra Vaseline? My curveball's biting about as hard as I do with my teeth out."
• "Wait, you're telling me this a Major League team? I though it was semi-pro, at best. I mean, look at this outfit!"

Charlie Hough, 1993 Topps Team Stadium Club

Alex Fernandez, 1997 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: Alex Fernandez
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: $2 off furniture from Target
Key 1996 stat: Awful proud of himself, isn't he?
Alex Fernandez's train of thought from 10:22 to 10:24 a.m., February 27, 1997: "This stool is really uncomfortable. Maybe if I just sit on the very corner of it. ... Ugh, that's a little better, but now it's violating my privacy. ... Finally, this guy's ready to take some photos. OK, I know, I'll show off both my four-seam grip and the side of my glove that has my name embroidered on it. I bet people will think that's real gold. ... Should I look at the camera? It might make me seem direct and honest. Or I could look at that fly on the ceiling. That might make me seem mysterious and aloof. You know, I bet I could hit it with the baseball." (Throws baseball) "Yeah, got him! Oops, the ball ricocheted and knocked out the photographer. Oh well, at least I can stand up now. Man, that hurt. That stupid stool knows me better than my own mother, now."

Alex Fernandez, 1997 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Jesus Sanchez, 2001 Topps

Name: Jesus Sanchez
Team: Florida Marlins
Positions: Pitcher, savior
Value of card: 12 pounds of inedible fish guts
Key 2000 stat: After three days, he rose (from the minors)
It's time for an early 2000s pop quiz:

Why is Jesus Sanchez hiding his face?

(A) With those stats, he doesn't want to be identified.
(B) With that name, he's tired of being compared with a Christ figure.
(C) With that earring, he doesn't want thieves to find him.
(D) With that bulge, he wanted to make sure you weren't distracted.
(E) All of the above.

Jesus Sanchez, 2001 Topps

Pat Rapp, 1996 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Pat Rapp
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Not even the wrapping it came in
Key 1995 stat: Zero hip-hop listened to
Time for a Fish quiz: Why is Pat Rapp so filthy?

A) Definitely not because of his pitching
B) Pregame wrestling bout with Billy the Marlin
C) He fell asleep on the basepaths. Literally.
D) Duh, he's from the Dirty South.
E) A, B and C

Pat Rapp, 1996 Topps Stadium Club

Marc Valdes, 1994 Score Draft Picks

Name: Marc Valdes
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 4 ounces of eyebrow trimmings
Key 1993 stat: Pitched in tennis shoes
Top 10 nicknames for Marc Valdes' eyebrows:
10) The Wonder Twins
9) George and Barbara Bush
8) Heavy D and Heavier D
7) The Place You Should Check When You Lose Your Keys
6) The Rodents of Unusual Size
5) Vidal and Sassoon
4) The Face Umbrellas
3) The Headge
2) Eye Beards
1) Valdes' Marks

Marc Valdes, 1994 Score Draft Picks

Alex Arias, 1993 Topps

Name: Alex Arias
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Infield
Value of card: A blue piece of construction paper
Key 1992 stat: Zero Marlins franchises for another year
Another stunning accomplishment: We have to hand it to Topps. The Marlins major league franchise hadn't played a game before the 1993 season, but somehow the card company figured out an ingenious way to capture the action of the game and the players in their fledgling team's uniforms. Wow, what an accomplishment. Can you imagine how many meetings of the best and brightest at Topps it took to come up with such a brilliant idea? Just look at that background: stunning. And how smart is it to have the player sit there with a bat? The genius boggles the mind. And, as if they hadn't already showcased their smarts enough, the Topps brass had Arias look at the camera and smile. Wow. Again, we're awestruck by greatness, and, today, we're standing here slack-jawed against a background of blue.

Alex Arias, 1993 Topps

Juan Pierre, 2003 Fleer Tradition

Name: Juan Pierre
Team: Colorado Rockies Florida Marlins®
Position: Outfield
Value of card: It's not worth trading for
Key 2002 stat: Bunted a lot
Great moments in card design: Not too long ago, we highlighted the most boring card set ever produced. Apparently, card designers didn't learn much in the 13 years between that set and this one. Take a bow, Fleer. While the excessive white border is truly thrilling and the program-default sans serif font captures the eye, what really gives this card life (aside from Juan Pierre's mustache) is the dramatic, yellow "TRADED" diamond jutting up into the player's knee. I'm sure that giant block of random color seemed like a good idea at the time       actually, no, I'm not sure of that at all, because it's absolutely hideous. Congrats, Fleer, you've ruined yellow for everyone once again.

Juan Pierre, 2003 Fleer Tradition

Florida Marlins, 2001 Topps

Name: Florida Marlins
Team: See above
Positions: All of them
Value of card: 3 pounds of rotting fish guts
Key 2000 stat: 4,400 night crawlers
The 2000 Florida Marlins, By the Numbers:

42: Players and coaches on this card
41: Players and coaches on this card who aren't a child who snuck into the photo (We're looking at you, Mr. Bottom Row, Far Left)
23: Players and coaches who had fished
33: Players who smelled like fish
41: Players posing respectfully
1: Player suggestively covering his junk with his hands (third row, fourth from right)
50: Years of Topps cards
50,000: Topps cards better than this one

Florida Marlins, 2001 Topps

Dave Weathers, 1993 Topps

Name: Dave Weathers
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 11 fish bones, regurgitated
Key 1992 stat: 365 weather forecasts watched
10 "Weathers" descriptions during this photo shoot:
10) "Cloudy with a chance of ineptitude"
9) "Overcast ... as a decent pitcher"
8) "Mock turtleneck weather"
7) "Looks like rain; smells like fish"
6) "Rain with glimpses of blinding teal"
5) "Whiteout condition"
4) "It's raining cats, dogs and eyebrows out there"
3) "Showers — intermittent as best"
2) "Driving bangs across the forehead"
1) "Ugly out there"

Dave Weathers, 1993 Topps

Jamie McAndrew, 1993 Topps

Name: Jamie McAndrew
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Tree sap on your windshield
Key 1992 stats: Drafted four years earlier; still hadn't played a big league game
It's time for The Caption, which probably ran in a Miami newspaper sometime in the early '90s: "Florida Marlins minor leaguer Jamie McAndrew does a bad job of hiding behind a tree in Buena Vista Park on Thursday after stealing a uniform from the big league club and fleeing the scene. McAndrew, who is 25 despite looking 45, was caught and arrested shortly after this photo was taken. The uniform was returned to the Marlins, who, like their fans, disavowed any knowledge of McAndrew's existence."

Jamie McAndrew, 1993 Topps

Orestes Destrade, 1994 Donruss

Name: Orestes Destrade, allegedly
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: First base
Value of card: Plenty of vowels
Key 1993 stat: One fake name
I'd like to solve the puzzle: Clearly, no human being has ever been named Orestes Destrade. But we got to wondering, what anagrams can be made from this random collection of letters?

• Dead Steers Store
• Addresses Tree To
• Sedated Seer Rots
• Dared Stereos Set
• Adder Sees Otters
• Dread Tsetse Sore
• Sadder, Terse Toes
• Dad Restores Tees
• Seared Desert Sot

Orestes Destrade, 1994 Donruss

Mike Redmond, 2001 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Mike Redmond
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Imminent doom
Key 2000 stat: Lots of grimacing
Don't get this wrong: What's Mike Redmond about to do?

A) Purchase a first-class ticket on the Pain Train
B) Get a 15-day paid vacation
C) Eat his own catcher's mask
D) Make a spectacular tag, avoid a collision and throw to second for the double play. (Note: This is how he will remember it during his morphine-rich hospital stay.)
E) All of the above

Mike Redmond, 2001 Topps Stadium Club

Benito Santiago, 1993 Jimmy Dean Sausage Collection

Name: Benito Santiago
Team: Jimmy Dean's team, apparently
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Two rotting sausage patties, regurgitated by a dog
Key 1992 stat: Six clogged arteries
Mr. Dean, we salute you: Wow. It's amazing when you're in the presence of greatness. Not only does this impressive card feature the one-and-only Benito Santiago sporting a wraparound mustache, it features the JD cowboy boot logo, meaning it's another example of the sensational sausage spectacle that is the Jimmy Dean collection. First, we met a young, mustachioed Ken Griffey Jr., who liked his sausage like he liked his women: short, thick and brown. Then we were introduced to Frank Thomas, who had eaten so many succulent sausages that his body wouldn't even fit within the card's frame. Now, we get Benito, still no Major League Baseball logos, still no team, but, for the first time in the Jimmy Dean collection, a whole lot of teal. Dig in, America. This is one tasty Jimmy Dean set.

Benito Santiago, 1993 Jimmy Dean Sausage Collection

Jeff Conine and Dale Murphy, 1994 Pinnacle The Idols

Names: Jeff Conine and Dale Murphy
Teams: Florida Marlins and Atlanta Braves
Positions: Outfield and first base, first base and outfield
Value of card: A couple of greenbacks (make that “tealbacks”)
Key 1993 stat: Two men, one pair of underwear
It’s time for a cross-era version of The Matchup:

Round 1: Months since last haircut (Winner: Murphy)
Round 2: Ability to fit through a mouse hole (Winner: Conine)
Round 3: Yellow teeth visible even in black-and-white (Winner: Murphy)
Round 4: Number of hours spent sleeping in a shoe (Winner: Conine)
Round 5: Recycled beer league jersey (Winner: Murphy)
Round 6: Outfits stolen from Ken dolls (Winner: Conine)
Round 7: Ability to crush the other’s organs like a fast-food ketchup packet (Winner: Murphy)

Score: Murphy 4, Conine 3, Ties 0

Synopsis: Jeff Conine may be small, but he had a big crush on Murphy, his idol. But Murphy didn’t care, choosing instead to physically crush the miniature Conine between his thumb and forefinger, thereby crushing it in The Matchup.

Jeff Conine and Dale Murphy, 1994 Pinnacle The Idols

Ramon Martinez, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Ramon Martinez
Team: Florida Marlins

Position: Second base

Value of card: Lots of body-image issues
Key career stats: Zero major league at-bats; zero AAA at-bats
He ain't heavy, and he ain't Pedro's brother: Sometimes, we here at the Bust have to do a little research. Sometimes. We usually try to avoid work. But for Ramon Martinez, we had to do a lot of research. Seriously, who is this guy? He's not the gawky Dodgers pitcher. He's not the former Giants third baseman. In fact, we have no idea how he got this Marlins uniform. Dude never sniffed the bigs. As Baseball-Reference.com puts it, "He hit .241/.280/.289 [in AA in 1994], demonstrating that his bat was not of major league caliber." And is it any wonder? Look at those tiny, spindly legs and the goiter-like bulge! The poor little guy probably couldn't run 5 feet without toppling over.

Ramon Martinez, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Rich Ireland, 1993 Topps

Name: Rich Ireland

Team: Florida Marlins

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: On sale at Mervyns for $1.89

Key 1992 stat: Five-button fly

Time for another pop quiz:

What was Rich Ireland doing before this photo was taken?

(A) Posing for his senior portrait

(B) Playing baseball in "Tron" world

(C) Infusing funds into the federal government based in Dublin

(D) Wrangling cattle

(E) Looking for a chin

(F) All of the above

Rich Ireland, 1993 Topps

Scott Pose, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Scott Pose

Team: Florida Marlins

Position: Outfield

Value of card: Cat crap

Key 1992 stat: Two ear flaps

Reaction from Topps Stadium Club photographer upon meeting Pose, 1993: "So, let me get this straight. It says here your last name is Pose. Pose? Really? Like your 'posing' in a horrendous uniform for a terrible baseball card? Hold on, hold on. I got to call my buddy. (silence as giant mobile phone rings) Hello, Dale? You'll never believe this. I'm taking a picture of some guy named Pose. Yeah, I know, ridiculous, huh? Yeah, you should see this guy's batting helmet. It's huge. Two ear flaps, the whole deal. (photographer extends index finger in Pose's direction, signaling for the player to hold on for a few moments) No, no. I'm serious. The guy hasn't moved a muscle since I got here. He's like a robot, just standing there, motionless, with this humongous helmet that nearly goes down to his shoulders. Yeah, Pose. (laughs) Pose hasn't changed his pose in 10 minutes. Total schmuck. (puts down phone) OK, Pose, just stand right there and don't move. Yeah, you're a natural, pal."

Scott Pose, 1993 Topps Stadium Club