Fred Taylor, 2008 Upper Deck (Football Friday No. 196)

Name: Fred Taylor
Team: Jacksonville Jaguars
Position: Running back
Value of card: About the same as the value of the Pro Bowl
Key 2008 stat: Got lei'd once
It's an All-Pro edition of The Caption: "Jacksonville Jaguars running back Fred Taylor is greeted Sunday at the Pro Bowl in Honolulu by Jaguars mascot Jaxson de Ville, the only other being in Hawaii     including the visiting NFL players and coaches     that was aware that the Jaguars are an actual football team."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Fred Taylor, 2008 Upper Deck (Football Friday No. 196)

Taylor Buchholz, 2008 Topps

Name: Taylor Buchholz
Team: Colorado Rockies
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: It ain't worth a buck-(holz)
Key 2007 stat: 712 games of "shadow"
It's time for another edition of ... What are the chances?

What are the chances ...
Buchholz was aware someone was behind him: 85%
Buchholz was aware aware it was the Pirate Parrot mascot behind him: 85%
Buchholz was aware someone behind him was touching him inappropriately: 100%

What are the chances ...
Buchholz was excited about this photo: 45%
Buchholz was embarrassed by this photo: 65%
Buccholz was reliving a decade's worth of childhood nightmares in this photo: 100%

What are the chances ...
Buchholz's relationship with Pirate Parrot was a bit "rocky": 10%
Buchholz and Pirate Parrot were "two birds of a feather": 90%
Buchholz and Pirate Parrot were caught in this compromising position more than once: 100%

What are the chances ...
This card was the best card of Buchholz's career: 100%
This moment was the highlight of Buchholz's career: 100%
This bird was embarrassed to no end to be caught with a pitcher of Buchholz's caliber: 100%

Taylor Buchholz, 2008 Topps

Brad Ausmus, 2006 Upper Deck

Name: Brad Ausmus
Team: Houston Astros
Positions: Catcher, movie star
Value of card: Two ripped-up ticket stubs
Key 2005 stat: One firm rejection from Universal Pictures
Dino D-N-nay: Unfulfilled by his life as a Major League Baseball player, Brad Ausmus in 2005 decided to move from behind the plate to behind the camera. A longtime fan of the "Jurassic Park" film series (yes, even the third one), Ausmus wrote, directed and starred in "Jurassic Park IV: Backstop's Bounty," in which his character heads to Isla Sorna in an attempt to round up and cage the free-roaming dinosaurs still living there. Unfortunately, the film ran into budget constraints after Ausmus signed over his entire year's salary to Sam Neill so that the franchise stalwart would make a cameo appearance. Without any money for special effects or CGI, Ausmus was forced to cast Rockies mascot Dinger and a transient in a stained Barney Halloween costume to chase him around various ballparks, and had to wear his catcher's gear whenever doing his own stunt work. The film, not surprisingly, was laughed out of town by every Hollywood studio, Ausmus' teammates, and his wife. Transient Barney died two years later.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Brad Ausmus, 2006 Upper Deck

Alex Gonzalez, 2006 Upper Deck

Name: Alex Gonzalez
Team: Florida Marlins? Boston Red Sox? It's hard to say
Positions: Shortstop, second-string mascot
Value of card: A patch of crimson fuzz
Key 2005 stat: Stole Mickey Hatcher's glove
Caption that may have run with the above photo in the Boston Globe circa 2006: "Recent Red Sox acquisition Alex Gonzalez has been struggling to acclimate to his new team. Above, during Tuesday's game against the Rays, Gonzalez is seen refusing to wear his Red Sox uniform or a regulation glove while his sister stands at his side, costumed as the shortstop's favorite childhood cartoon character, Mr. Jiggles, the world's fattest parrot."

Alex Gonzalez, 2006 Upper Deck

Casey Jones, 1989-1990 7th Inning Sketch (Stanley Cup Week No. 3)

Name: Casey Jones
Team: North Bay Centennials
Position: Mascot
Value of card: 14 tickets to watch the North Bay Centennials, a junior ice hockey team in the Ontario Hockey League before their disbandment in 2002
Key 1988-89 stat: 761 mustache twirls
The North Bay Centennials' scouting report on mascot Casey Jones: "Anyone who will pierce his skin with sharp twigs to emulate above-nose whiskers is OK in our book.  ... We think this guy can 'conduct' the offense and 'engineer' victories. ... His mouth is perfectly shaped to shoot cylinders long distances, so we won't need to buy one of those shirt-zookas to rile up the crowd. ... He's got a locomotive, that's for sure (so say the ladies). ... It's our intent to frighten the children who attend our games to the point that they crap the bed and don't sleep for weeks, so we can consider that accomplished. ... We'll need to get those cheek tumors looked at. ... We're interested, but we think he might get a big head. ... Hell, we're a junior hockey team in Ontario, sign him up and let him play wherever he wants!"

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Casey Jones, 1989-1990 7th Inning Sketch (Stanley Cup Week No. 3)

Glenn Hubbard, 1984 Fleer

Name: Glenn Hubbard
Team: Atlanta Braves
Positions: Second base, about to get strangled by a snake
Value of card: 1 square inch of shedded snake skin from 1984
Key 1983 stat: Scared 15,920 children
Nothing to see here: In 1983, the Atlanta Braves went all out to celebrate all-star second baseman Glenn Hubbard's birthday. Before a road game in Philadelphia, the Braves enlisted the help of the Phillie Phanatic, a homeless man in a Barney Rubble costume, the Fleer photography staff, the Eastern Seaboard's best balloon "artist" and a snake handler named Xeres to honor their hirsute teammate. The festivities were going fine until Xeres placed a 12-foot-long boa constrictor on Hubbard's shoulders. The second baseman stood petrified, his beady eyes crying for help while he put on his best smile for the Fleer photographer. But things took a turn for the ugly when the boa mistook Hubbard's sizable beard and hairstyle for another reptile and mated with his face. Both terrified and aroused, Hubbard lost consciousness and had to be revived by the Phanatic, who threw a bucket of confetti on him.

Glenn Hubbard, 1984 Fleer

Jacksonville Jaguars, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Football Friday No. 120)

Name: Jaguars
Team: Jaguars
Position: Jaguars
Value of card: Six kernels of Friskies
Key 1993 stat: One pair of MC Hammer pants
10 little-known facts about the Jaguars' 1994 mascot:
10) He rips his own shirt with his claws when he's feeling sexy.
9) He has trouble going in the litter box when the door is left open.
8) He floats at all times.
7) "Shoes? Shoes are for suckas," he says.
6) Not a monster; doesn't care for the gridiron. Hates Coca-Cola; loves coke.
5) He's deeply afraid of playing the Lions and the Panthers, but he cheers for the Tigers.
4) Sometimes, when he jumps, he craps sausage-shaped excrement that doubles back toward his head.
3) He spends the offseason posing on hoods in the same position as above.
2) Not a leopard, so, therefore, he can change his spots. No problem.
1) He drives a luxury automobile that's not very dependable.

Jacksonville Jaguars, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Football Friday No. 120)

Panthers, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Football Friday No. 92)

Name: Johnny Panthers
Team: Not sure
Position: Wildcat quarterback
Value of card: Six litter-box Tootsie Rolls (Wait a second, those aren't Tootsie Rolls.)
Key 1993 stat: Zero shoes
NFL scouting report on Johnny Panthers: "May be young, but his six-hair mustache looks veteran. ... Had a great workout until he got stuck up a tree. ... Seems to have a problem ripping off his pants with his fingernails. ... Plus: agility. Minus: licks himself. ... We're going to have a hard time finding a helmet to fit this cat. ... He would be our go-to guy if the league expands with the Memphis Mice team."

Panthers, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Football Friday No. 92)

Tokyo Team Shop, 1990 NFL Pro Set (Football Friday No. 33)

Name: What the hell?
Teams: Broncos and Seahawks, we think
Position: Awkward pose with a Japanese kid
Value of card: Zero yen
Key 1989 stat: One going-out-of-business sale
Great moments in WTF: The NFL tried to expand its market in 1989, opening up a team shop in Tokyo to absolutely no fanfare. Sure, the businessmen stopped to look at the "cheerleaders" (who also provided side "services" for 50 yen), but almost everyone was scared by the plushy mascots with no eyes wearing helmets. That Bronco looks like it's about to tell the kid that he's giving out free puppies and candy in his windowless van around the block. The team shop closed down two weeks later, and Japanese people never watched football again.
Bonus fun fact: That kid's shirt says "Dynamite Age."

Tokyo Team Shop, 1990 NFL Pro Set (Football Friday No. 33)

Cecil Fielder, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Cecil Fielder

Team: Detroit Tigers

Position: First base, designated hitter

Value of card: 2 pounds of bird seed

Key 1991 stat: Seven lawn chairs snapped

The ABCs of this card:

A - Animal attraction

B - Baseball, not flirting

C - Chicken says, "Nothing fowl about me."

D - Detroit, a city where laws of love are broken

E - Eggs, promised as part of breakfast in bed

F - Feathers, for tickling

G - "Get your hand off my knee."

H - "How come you don't like me?"

I - "It's a matter of taste."

J - "Just like chicken, of course."

K - Keister, comfortable in a lawn chair

L - Look of longing from the Chicken

M - Mustache, for tickling

N - Never mind cultural decorum

O - On my knees, at your service

P - Pillow talk: cluck, cluck, cluck

Q - Questions of decency arise

R - Right here, right now

S - Suggestive water bottle placement

T - Tiger in the sack, according to rumors

U - Undressing from uniforms and feathers

V - Vulgar sweet nothings, whispered in ears

W - "White meat for you, dark meat for me."

X - X-rated

Y - You can't explain lust

Z - Zoophilia

Cecil Fielder, 1992 Upper Deck

Roger McDowell, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Roger McDowell

Team: Los Angeles Dodgers

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: One associate's degree

Key 1992 stat: One class audited at Lasorda University

Pop quiz at Lasorda U:

What is the mascot of Lasorda University's athletics teams?

(A) The Splintered Toothpicks

(B) The Sopping Headbands

(C) The Single Gloves

(D) The Greasy Mullets

(E) The Pot-Bellied Scuzzballs

(F) All of the above

Roger McDowell, 1993 Upper Deck

Phillie Phanatic, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Suspect
Team: America's most wanted
Position: No. 7
Value of card: One piece of evidence
Key 1991 stat: One all-points bulletin
Missing: Shayna Kleffman, age 4, was last seen attending a Philadelphia Phillies game on Aug. 22, 1991. She has blond hair, blue eyes and was wearing a pink T-shirt and white skirt at the time of her disappearance. Witnesses say they saw Shayna approaching a man on top of the Phillies' dugout shortly before she was reported missing. The suspect is described as a furry, green manbeast with a large horn in place of a nose or mouth. He was last seen wearing a size 7XL replica Phillies jersey, a red ballcap turned sideways and orange baseball stirrups the size of duffel bags. The suspect has big, beady eyes and may be mentally deranged, police say. He is described as large, violent and extremely stinky. If you have any information on this case, call our tip line at 888-BBC-BUST.

Phillie Phanatic, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

The Famous Chicken, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Chicken

Teams: San Diego Padres, Farmer Joe's barnyard

Positions: Shortstop, freezer section

Value of card: Half-dozen eggs

Key 1991 stats: Two breasts, two thighs, two legs, two wings

The Chicken, in his own words: "Cluck cluck cluck, cluck cluck. Cluckity cluck-cluck. Cluck. Cluck a clucked, cluckity-cluck cluck (squeezes lemon juice over his head). Clucks cluck cluck, a cluck cluck, clucked. A cluck. Cluck cluck cluck clucked, a cluck-cluck. Clucks a cluck. Clucky clucky cluck a cluck-cluck (rubs garlic over his body). Cluck a cluck. Clucky cluck-cluck clucked. Cluck a-cluck cluckity-cluck cluck; clucky cluck clucks a cluck (grinds pepper onto chest). Cluck: Cluck cluck a-cluck a-cluck. Cluck clucks, cluck a cluck a cluck (lathers himself in olive oil). Clucky cluck, cluck clucky cluck, clucked a cluck. Cluck's cluck, a clucky cluck (lays on grill; screams; placed on 60-day disabled list with a side of asparagus).

The Famous Chicken, 1992 Donruss Triple Play