Matt Williams, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Matt Williams
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Third base
Value of card: A black void of value
Key 1991 stat: 3,212 conversations with himself
A Giant introduction: "Well, hello. I didn't notice you there. Did you notice me? I thought so. Yeah, I'm just kicking back, relaxing, catching some rays under this blindingly bright light. You ever smell arm hair singed from above? Now you have. By the way, how do you like my jersey? Is it meshy enough for ya? Yes, I know. It's so holy in belongs in a synagogue. What's that? You think I should have shaved before this photo shoot? Pfft. I don't live by other people's conventions. That's why I'm sitting here, posing, with my jock strap outside my pants. You're welcome."

Matt Williams, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Matt Williams, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 4)

Name: Matt Williams
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Third base
Value of card: It looks like a zero and a 9 on the left side of the card, so we'll say .09 cents
Key 1993 stat: 479 buildings climbed and smashed
It's time for a monster pop quiz:

How did Godzilla-size Matt Williams' rampage change San Francisco?

(A) He ate part of Golden Gate Park, and then barfed all over the Bay Bridge, turning it green and purple.
(B) He rearranged the skyline, seen above, so it doesn't match reality.
(C) He threw his massive glove in San Francisco Bay and caused a tsunami that sunk the Ferry Building and Coit Tower.
(D) He picked up and moved the Bay Bridge, forcing it to divert cars onto a soccer field.
(E) He farted purple clouds of pollution.
(F) He tore rectangular, tinted windows off the Transamerica Pyramid and used them as sunglasses.
(G) All of the above.

Matt Williams, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 4)

Matt Williams, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Matt Williams
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Third base
Value of card: The element of surprise
Key 1991 stat: Eye black reapplied every inning
Choose your own adventure: You are Matt Williams, third baseman for the San Francisco Giants. You've just drilled a ball deep to the gap and are rounding second, headed for a triple. As you slide in, you see something that startles the absolute cheese out of you. What is it?

• If it's a winning record, click here.
• If it's a future in which you wear a purple uniform, click here.
• If it's Willie McGee's face, click here.

Matt Williams, 1992 Upper Deck

Matt Williams, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Matt Williams
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Third base
Value of card: One bat knob
Key 1992 stat: 701 games of grabass
What a joker: That Matt Williams sure was a prankster in his day. Among the stunts he pulled during the 1992 season: He once played three innings in the field with no glove, bare-handing every ball hit his way; he didn't wear a cup the entire month of July; he once covered his sunglasses with eye black and still grabbed a hot shot heading down the line; for one August at-bat, he tied his own leg to Kevin Mitchell's and then ran three-legged to first after grounding one back up the middle. In the photo on this card, Williams has accepted a challenge to swing the wrong end of the bat. The fans, and even the Cubs bench, got a kick out of the joke — until Williams made contact. What should have been a harmless pop-up ended up with Williams' shattered bat handle lodged in Mike Harkey's calf. Williams, horrified and shaken, never laughed again.

Matt Williams, 1993 Upper Deck

Matt Williams, 1988 Topps

Name: Matt Williams

Team: San Francisco Giants

Position: Third base

Value of card: To him, invaluable

Key 1987 stat: One three-day, cringe-inducing glare

A first for the ages: It's something a Major League Baseball player — or a man, for that matter — never forgets. It's arguably the most meaningful first for a rookie, and the crack Topps Company photography staff captured the instant, allowing Matt Williams and his legions of fans to cherish it forever. First hit? No. First RBI? Nope. First home run? Nah. First glimpse of a woman in the buff? Yes, sir. And just look at how that seminal moment captivated ol' Matty. He's transfixed. Williams sat in that position for three days, staring, blankly, at Seat 24, Row F, Section 142, where a glamorous sea cow in a cut-off Richard petty T-shirt bared her breasts for a crowd of 9,163, forever changing one third baseman's life.

Matt Williams, 1988 Topps