Willie McGee, 1986 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings No. 3)

Name: Willie McGee
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 2 ounces of hardened Play-Doh
Key 1985 stat: 14 children frightened
Man of mystery: What, what, what is it? What is that thing pictured above? It can't be Willie McGee. For all his faults, he was at least human. The shards of skin and turkey neck don't make a man. It's like a mismatched selection of body parts, crammed together without care for the poor souls whose eyes must view it. This, this, this thing is the stuff nightmares are made of. Those lazy eyes, weak chin, upturned nose and jagged lips; that's not Willie. Could there be a worse illustration of this former MVP? Yes, yes there absolutely can.

Willie McGee, 1986 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings No. 3)

Willie McGee, 1989 Topps Big

Name: Gah! We mean, Willie McGee
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 40 shudders
Key 1988 stat: Even he seemed appalled by himself
Come on, Topps: Look, we understand the point of the Topps Big set was to get both an action shot and an up-close mug of the same player on one card. But maybe you could have just gone with two action shots of Willie? We mean, good lord, nobody needs to see that homely face smiling (is he smiling?) right back at them. Imagine the poor kids who saw this card! Nightmares for weeks, and probably a bout of bed-wetting, too (that was our excuse, at least). It's bad enough that these cards won't fit in our standard-issue card pages, you don't need to torment us with a full-on view of the Chinless Wonder as well. Now, if you'll excuse us, we need to go wash our sheets.

Willie McGee, 1989 Topps Big

Willie McGee, 1992 Upper Deck Team Checklist

Name: Willie McGee
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Two boxes of broken crayons
Key 1991 stat: 12 hypothermia deaths at Candlestick Park
Fun facts about Willie McGee and the San Francisco Giants' former home Candlestick Park:

• Candlestick Park was once known as Monster Park. Willie McGee looked like a monster in this illustration.
• Candlestick Park is known for its strong winds. Willie McGee often broke strong wind.
• Candlestick Park was the site of The Beatles' last commercial concert. Willie McGee was the site of a beetle infestation.
• Candlestick Park was hosting a World Series game when the 1989 Loma Prieta earthquake struck. Willie McGee was hosting a meeting between he and the other Earth-bound aliens when they used their advanced technology to cause the 1989 Loma Prieta earthquake.
• Candlestick Park was an eyesore despised by most Giants fans. Willie McGee ... well, you get it.

Willie McGee, 1992 Upper Deck Team Checklist

Willie McGee, 1991 Fleer Ultra

Name: Willie McGee
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: It ain't pretty
Key 1990 stat: Wore black turtlenecks before Steve Jobs did
Atonement: We've had a lot of fun with Willie McGee these past few years, to the point that we almost felt bad. Almost. So, to make it up to Slick Willie, here are 10 things he's more attractive than:

10) The Predator
9) The Sexy Predator
8) Marge Schott
7) Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day
6) Crazy Crab
5) Garo Yepremian
4) Willie McGee. Oh, wait ...
3) The McRib
2) A trunk full of possums
1) A trunk full of dead possums

Willie McGee, 1991 Fleer Ultra

Willie McGee, 1993 Upper Deck SP

Name: Willie McGee
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: An orange
Key 1992 stat: One merciful angle
Actual conversation between Upper Deck photographer and photo editor, March 3, 1993:

Editor: "All right, here's the deal. We're tired of having photos of Willie McGee's ugly face on our cards. It upsets the children. What have you got that doesn't make me wish he was wearing a mask?"
Photog: "Hmmmm. No, not that. No. Good God. Ugh. ... (Shuffles through photos for 10 minutes.) Huh, well, there's this one. You can't really see his face, but it looks like he's about to fall over, his hands appear to be mutant claws and it looks like he's got boobs."
Editor: "Perfect! Even better, his bulge is creating its own shadow. Excellent work!"

Willie McGee, 1993 Upper Deck SP

Willie McGee, 1984 Donruss

Name: Willie McGee
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A fall from the ugly tree
Key 1983 stat: Yet to reach full ugliness
Good lord, man: Everyone knows how Willie McGee stole so many bases: He was so ugly, his face slowed down time. But how ugly was he, really?

• Willie McGee was so ugly, when he tried to join an ugly contest, they told him, "Sorry, no professionals."
• He was so ugly, his teammates used his face for batting practice.
• He was so ugly, MLB made him wear a catcher's mask in center field.
• He was so ugly, his wife came to work with him so she didn't have to kiss him goodbye.
• He was so ugly, his face was scored as an error.
• He was so ugly, that when he sat in sand, cats tried to bury him.
• Willie McGee was so ugly, he got suspended for looking at the umpire.

Willie McGee, 1984 Donruss

Willie McGee, 1993 Score Select

Name: Willie McGee
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Surprisingly little
Key 1992 stat: Countless times startled by where he was stepping
Top 10 things we'd like to think are between Willie McGee's head and his helmet:

10) 27 copies of People's Sexiest Man of the Year, 1985
9) Will Clark's Matt Dillon mustache
8) Bonsai tree
7) The most amazing afro the world has ever seen
6) Barry Bonds' leftover "B12 shots"
5) A collection of Russian nesting dolls
4) Darren Lewis' fade
3) More forehead wrinkles
2) A feverish marmot
1) A smaller, better-fitting helmet

Willie McGee, 1993 Score Select

Willie McGee, 1986 Topps

Name: Willie "Machismo" McGee

Teams: St. Louis Cardinals, Chippendales

Position: Outfield

Value of card: $150 an hour

Key 1985 stat: 44 pairs of edible underwear

People magazine's Sexiest Man of 1985: It was an honor the nation knew was coming. June, July and August 1985 collectively became known as the Summer of Sexy Willie. Women filled Busch Stadium to catch a glimpse of Willie McGee, known for his slap hitting and his butt slapping. He played with pizazz and often blew kisses to the crowd. The world was his oyster, but in one night, the oyster clammed up.

The fall of Lothario: The sweat was beading down his chicken chest when the SWAT team busted through the door. Within a fraction of a second, McGee, America's sexy son, went from an adored, dashing professional athlete to a defamed professional gigolo. The women scattered into closets and through windows. When police officers coralled them all, they were nude and numbered 22. McGee had started the night on a side job as a Chippendale dancer whose good looks drove women wild. He ended the night a felon, a felon who was always a hit with the ladies.

Willie McGee, 1986 Topps