Dan McGwire, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 56)

Name: Zubaz      er, Dan McGwire
Team: Seattle Seahawks
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Two stripes
Key 1992 stat: Refused to be photographed from the waist up
Clairvoyance: Don't get us wrong, this Pro Line Portrait definitely is shameful. Ol' Danny boy here has more shoes than a Foot Locker and pants loud enough to make Marlee Matlin wince, after all. But what's more amazing is the prescience of the photographer who took this shot. He clearly knew that 20 years later, Dan McGwire would be a faceless figure, forgotten about and relegated to lists of biggest draft busts in NFL history, but that Zubaz pants would live forever. All hail the Zubaz!

Dan McGwire, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 56)

Mark McGwire, 1996 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Name: Mark McGwire

Team: Oakland A's

Position: First base

Value of card: You know those plastic paint palettes that were handed out in first grade? One of those, dried up and broken into three pieces

Key 1995 stat: 74 hours looking directly at you

Don't look away: "Hey you! Yeah, you. It's me, Mark McGwire, and I'm staring you down. I'm here to do one thing: scare you straight. My icy-cold glare is peering deep into your frightened, fraudulent soul. You're a craven, and you need to stand up and be a man. You're terrified of me just as you're terrified of waking up every morning and looking in the mirror. Stare into my dead, baby-blue eyes. Here's the message you need to internalize, the words you must never forget, the simple instructions that will turn you from a quivering coward into a fearless alpha male: Grow a mullet, you spineless jellyfish, and become a man, like McGwire."

Mark McGwire, 1996 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Mark McGwire, 1999 Ultimate Victory

Name: Mark McGwire
Team: St. Louis Cardinal
Position: First base
Value of card: Watch as its value disappears!
Key 1998 stat: Whole lotta homers, whole lotta supplements
One-stop shot shop: Most of us remember that McGwire magic back in 1998. Here are a handful of places where you could buy your own.

• From that guy with all the backne at the gym
• At Jose Canseco's rummage sale
• From that big German dude who works at the GNC on Tuesdays
• Ask Sammy Sosa and A-Rod. They might know.
• Two words: Vic Conte

Mark McGwire, 1999 Ultimate Victory

Mark McGwire, 1998 Pinnacle Naturals

Name: Mark McGwire
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: First base
Value of card: 11 6-week-old Big Macs
Key 1997 stat: Zero accusations of performance-enhancing-drug use
The Naturals subset seems like an odd choice for McGwire; some other odd subset choices:

• Nolan Ryan, Indians
• Randy Johnson, Short Guys
• Oscar Gamble, Flat Tops
• Tommy Lasorda, Irishmen
• O.J. Simpson, Innocents
• Rusty Kuntz, Unfunny Names
• Barry Bonds, Naturals

Mark McGwire, 1998 Pinnacle Naturals

Will Clark and Mark McGwire, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Shwocase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 3)

Names: Will Clark and Mark McGwire
Teams: San Francisco Giants and Oakland A's, respectively
Positions: First base, squared
Value of card: 2 ounces of plaque
Key 1995 stat: Zero Battles of the Bay
It's time for a Bay Area-themed edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Giant bulge (Winner: Clark)
Round 2: Giant gums (Winner: McGwire)
Round 3: Giant (Winner: Clark)
Round 4: Busting out of his belt (Winner: Clark)
Round 5: Busting veins out of his skin (Winner: McGwire)
Round 6: Need for a dentist visit (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Lovers lost in the clouds (Winner: Tie)

Score: Clark 3, McGwire 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: No earthquakes broke up this Battle of the Bay, but, in the end, the two participants shook off society's conventions, embraced each other with their heads in the clouds and didn't let The Thrill's win come between them.

Will Clark and Mark McGwire, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Shwocase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 3)

Mark McGwire, 1993 Donruss Triple Play Little Hotshots

Name: Mark McGwire
Team: Farm League A's
Position: On one knee
Value of card: Awkwardness
Key 1992 1974 or so stat: Wore a glove made out of balsa wood
Ah, memories: Who does Mark McGwire look like in this charming photo?

A) Napoleon Dynamite
B) Mark McGwire's spinster aunt, Frances McGwire
C) That kid who had an asthma attack after getting wedgied in middle school (yeah, OK, that was us)
D) The most juiced-up 8-year-old in all of California
E) Somebody who would once hit 70 home runs in a season. In Nintendo R.B.I. Baseball, that is.

Mark McGwire, 1993 Donruss Triple Play Little Hotshots

Future Heroes Checklist, 1993 Upper Deck

Names: Frank Thomas, Ken Griffey Jr., Roger Clemens, Roberto Alomar, Barry Bonds, Kirby Puckett, Mark McGwire, Juan Gonzalez
Teams: Chicago White Sox, Seattle Mariners, Boston Red Sox, Toronto Blue Jays, San Francisco Giants, Minnesota Twins, Oakland A's, Texas Rangers
Positions: First base, outfield, pitcher, second base, outfield, outfield, first base, outfield
Value of card: More bad than good
Key 1993 stat: Too many players on one baseball card
Heroes vs. zeros: In 1993, Upper Deck produced a subset called "Future Heroes" with cards featuring eight individual players, plus the above frightening checklist. These guys were among the best in baseball at the time, but did they pan out as heroes? Let's break it down.

Frank Thomas
The Good: .301 career batting average, 521 home runs. ... Was a South Side staple for 16 years. ... Advocated for drug testing in baseball as early as 1995. ... Had a video game named after him. ... Infectious smile. ... Awesome nickname. ... Hall-of-Fame lock.
The Bad: Video game wasn't all that great. ... According to Baseball Card Bust, he was a ladies' man and played with explosives in his bat. ... Sour end to his time with the White Sox. ... That's pretty much it.
Verdict: Hero

Ken Griffey Jr.
The Good: .284 career batting average, 630 home runs. ... Some of the most spectacular defensive plays you'll ever see. ... Made the Mariners relevant. ... Drove up interest among young people in baseball (until the strike, that is). ... Released a series of wines to help fund charities. ... Had a series of video games named after him. ... Pretty good nickname. ... Hall-of-Fame lock.
The Bad: Again, video games left something to be desired. ... Could have been the all-time home run king if not for all those injuries. ... Trade to the Reds stunned fans in Seattle and across the nation. ... According to Baseball Card Bust, posed for a quasi-adult magazine and starred in a mind-numbing TV show. ... Looks kind of shady on this card.
Verdict: Hero

Roger Clemens
The Good: 354 wins, 4,672 strikeouts, career 3.12 ERA. ... Hmm, we'll have to get back to you on the rest.
The Bad: Steroid accusations, adultery accusations, throwing-a-bat-at-Mike-Piazza accusations. ... Completely torqued off at least two fan bases (Boston and Toronto). ... Once threw at his own son in a game.
Verdict: Zero

Roberto Alomar
The Good: .300 career batting average, 474 stolen bases, 210 home runs. ... Hall of Famer. ... Able to survive long winter nights in Canada.
The Bad: Spat in an umpire's face. ... Accused by two women, including his wife, of not telling them he had HIV. ... Made his brother play catcher all the time.
Verdict: Zero

Barry Bonds
The Good: .298 career batting average, 762 home runs, 514 stolen bases. ... While in San Francisco, his head grew large enough to shade his teammates at third base and shortstop, which is pretty nice.
The Bad: Steroids-palooza. ... Not exactly well-regarded by teammates, media, fans, children, dogs and four out of five dentists. ... Convicted of obstructing justice (and not David, either). ... According to Baseball Card Bust, was a career criminal.
Verdict: Zero

Kirby Puckett
The Good: .318 career batting average and one of the most memorable World Series home runs. ... Excelled as a big-leaguer despite being only 4-foot-2. ... Known for community service (other than keeping area restaurants in business). ... Beloved by Twins fans. ... Hall of Famer. ... Name was Kirby.
The Bad: According to Baseball Card Bust, became addicted to billiards and bad sweaters. ... Accused of abusing women who weren't Marge Schott. ... After retirement, couldn't stop eating, which contributed to his early death.
Verdict: Inconclusive

Mark McGwire
The Good: 583 career home runs, including a then-record-breaking 70 in 1998 that helped baseball recover from the strike scandal. ... One of the most storied mullets in all of professional sports history (see the above card for proof). ... Survived a massive earthquake by playing baseball. ... Appears to be depicted as one of the guys from Metallica on this card. ... According to Baseball Card Bust, was more patriotic than Uncle Sam and George Washington combined.
The Bad: Steroids, steroids, steroids. ... Spent time with Jose Canseco. ... Undid all that good work helping baseball recover from one scandal by starting another.
Verdict: Zero

Juan Gonzalez
The Good: .295 career batting average, 434 home runs. ...Overcame rough start in Puerto Rico that probably involved this slum lord. ... Pretty cool nickname. ... Even better mustache. ... And even better eyebrows, at least in the above card.
The Bad: In the Mitchell Report. ... Been married almost as many times as Larry King. ... Friends with George W. Bush. ... According to Baseball Card Bust, made a lewd gesture on a card.
Verdict: Zero

Synopsis: Congratulations if you're actually still reading this. But no congrats to Upper Deck, which misfired on six of its eight "future heroes." Nice work, guys. What, you couldn't fit Rafael Palmeiro and Lenny Dykstra on here?

Future Heroes Checklist, 1993 Upper Deck

Mark McGwire, 1993 Studio Heritage Series

Name: Mark McGwire
Team: Ye Olde A
Position: First of the base
Value of card: 14 shillings
Key 1892 stat: 16 "four basers"
19th-century scouting report on Mark McGwire: "Ay, his feathered locks resemble those of the most renowned passenger pigeon. ... His hat be that of a train conductor. Yet he know not where the curveball goes. ... Huzzah! This man of might can hit the ole horsehide with the force of a dozen stampeding bison. ... His on-field coat and trousers are as white as the heavens' most serendipitous angels. ... The Scurvy Ginger, as this man be known, once hit a four baser from here to New Amsterdam. ... His stare is that of a massive moose; his stench does not disappoint, good sir. ... He hath been known to button his fancy collar up to his chin, thus hiding his many tufts of chest hair. We protest. ... Bound by bound, this basetender can stir your stumps, but, most of all, he be a patriot for this United States."

Mark McGwire, 1993 Studio Heritage Series

Mark McGwire, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Mark McGwire
Team: Oakland A's
Position: First base
Value of card: Seven pieces of bark
Key 1988 stat: 7 feet tall (and that's just the bulge)
The legend of Big Mac of the Oaks: They called him Big Mac of the Oaks. He was as tall as a mighty tree and as mighty as lumberjack who chopped down mighty trees. He ate oxen whole and drank rivers in a gulp. They said his mother was a redwood and his father a sequoia. True or not, his legs were tree trunks and the arms the roots of his power. He was a massive man, no doubt, and when he walked from the forest of oaks, baseball bat in hand, throngs of awestruck onlookers came to see the great Big Mac, a man who would slowly drop his chosen maple club below his waist but above his knees, focusing the gazes of thousands upon his most impressive yet obvious feature, his wood.

Mark McGwire, 1989 Upper Deck

Mark McGwire, 1988 Fleer Headliners

Name: Mark McGwire

Team: Oakland A's

Position: First base

Value of card: As valuable as yesterday's papers

Key 1987 stat: 162 news cycles dominated

10 headlines Mark McGwire made in 1987:

10) "First baseman swings two bats at plate, hits two home runs, twice" (Wall Street Journal)

9) "McGwire's chest hair: A home run" (Vanity Fair)

8) "Incredible squinting player goes 3-for-4" (USA Today)

7) "Only drug accusations could ruin this career" (Sports Illustrated)

6) "25 reasons not to straighten your teeth" (Men's Health)

5) "Man sought in barnyard rapes" (San Francisco Chronicle)

4) "First base? No chance" (Note scrawled to McGwire at restaurant during date)

3) "Baseball players and newspapers: McGwire is their type" (New York Times)

2) "White man wears bling" (Ebony)

1) "McGwire headline goes here yyyyxxx" (Oakland Tribune)

Mark McGwire, 1988 Fleer Headliners

Mark McGwire, 1989 Pepsi-Cola special edition

Name: Mark McGwire

Team: Not sure (Pepsi Soda-Stars?)

Position: Alone on the field

Value of card: Two ripped-off tabs from Pepsi cans

Key 1988 stat: 5 milliliters of high-fructose corn syrup

10 reasons this card is not the choice of the next generation:

10) After the photo shoot, McGwire had to have his legs amputated because his pants were so tight.

9) No mullet, no facial hair, no dice.

8) One person in the stands, and he's leaving.

7) McGwire actually conducted this photo shoot by himself with a tripod, a timer and three Coors Lights.

6) Yes, ladies, those stirrups go all the way up.

5) Lots of foul ground, more foul stench.

4) McGwire has never, ever stood like that during a game.

3) No A's logo, but Pepsi and Chevron are represented.

2) The infield dirt has been drug to resemble a giant penis starting between McGwire's legs.

1) McGwire was on Coke.

Mark McGwire, 1989 Pepsi-Cola special edition

Jose Canseco, Mark McGwire, 1993 Diamond Sports

Names: Jose Canseco, Mark McGwire
Teams: Oakland A's, Blues Bash Brothers
Positions: Outfield, first base, posers
Value of card: Definitely less than 10 cents
Key 1992 stat: One stolen police car
Top 10 most absurd things about this card (and believe us, there are more than 10):
10) Mark McGwire is no Blues Brother. The only situation in which he dances well is around the truth.
9) There's enough yellow on this card to blind an eagle.
8) Honestly, what the hell is it with those gigantic bats?
7) Half of the police car's tire has been Photoshopped out.
6) This is the only time in his life that Jose Canseco has worn a jacket AND a shirt.
5) These two are in fact on a mission from God. That mission is to inject themselves with enough steroids to kill a rhinoceros.
4) McGwire loves country music, but is indifferent to Western. Canseco only likes yacht rock.
3) Even though it says this is the March edition of Diamond Sports, everyone knows it came out in April.
2) Neither Canseco nor McGwire could hold John Belushi's jock.
1) Both of these guys actually like Illinois Nazis.

Jose Canseco, Mark McGwire, 1993 Diamond Sports

Mark McGwire, 1990 Mother's Cookies insert

Name: Mark McGwire

Team: Oakland A's

Position: First base

Value of card: Cookies

Key 1989 stat: Take what's in the glove. McGwire commands it!
10 things we wish Mark McGwire were offering us:

10) An actual game-worn first baseman's mitt!

9) A place to rest our weary heads

8) A delicious Big Mac

7) Eternal glory

6) An all-expenses paid trip to scenic Oakland

5) The Cream, but not so much the Clear

4) A reprise from his piercing glare

3) The secret of how he squeezes into such tight-fitting pants. Ooh-la-la!

2) The location of the rest of his sleeves

1) A chance to win this infernal staring contest

Mark McGwire, 1990 Mother's Cookies insert

Dan McGwire, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 28)

Name: Dan McGwire
Team: Seattle Seahawks
Positions: Quarterback, leg model
Value of card: One class on how to stop taking bad photos
Key 1991 stat: One start to a non-existent career
Top 10 fun facts about Dan McGwire:
10) Threw exactly two more NFL touchdowns than his brother, Mark McGwire
9) Refused to allow his left foot to be photographed
8) Spent way too much time with one hand on his hip
7) Bought his shorts at the same store as John Stockton
6) First team, NFL's All-Irrelevant squad, 1992-95
5) Often thought of as the league's best kneeler
4) Loves Ovaltine
3) Parlayed failed football career into failed T.G.I. Friday's bartending career
2) Preferred to throw the football like a shotput
1) Moonlighted as a cover model for Leg & Windbreaker Fancy Magazine

Dan McGwire, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 28)

Mark McGwire, 1992 Studio

Name: Mark McGwire

Teams: Oakland A's, Jefferson Davis Middle School Eagles

Positions: First base, Closer, P.E. coach

Value of card: $10 tab at Sha-BOOMs

Key 1991 stat: Three people thrown from Jet-Skis

Westbound & Down: HBO had a hit on its hands in 2009 with "Eastbound & Down." The six-episode comedy series following Kenny Powers, a once-great major league closer forced to return to his alma-mater middle school to coach P.E. after being shamed into leaving the game he loved. Fans of the show number in thousands, but few know creator and star Danny McBride patterned his character after an early 1990s Mark McGwire. The greasy mullet, the creepy facial hair, the cutoff sleeves and the unmeasurable ego all were McGwire's before they were Powers'. McBride even integrated a few circa 1991 McGwire quotes into his scripts: "I'm a bulletproof tiger"; "Fundamentals are the crutch of the talentless"; "Undaunted, I knew the game was mine to win. Just like in life, all of successes depend on me. I'm the man who has the bat (ball); I'm the man who can swing (throw) it faster than (expletive). So that is why I am better than everyone in the world. Kiss my (expletive) and suck my (expletive), everyone."

Mark McGwire, 1992 Studio

Mark McGwire, 1991 Fleer Illustration

Name: Mark McGwire
Team: Oakland A's, America
Position: First base
Value of card: You can't put a price on freedom
Key 1990 stat: Zero pinkos befriended
These colors don't run: How American was Mark McGwire during his playing days? Mark McGwire was so American that all of his meals consisted of hot dogs, apple pie and beer. Mark McGwire was so American, he drove a monster truck through a wheat field to every game, even if it meant going thousands of miles out of his way. Mark McGwire was so freaking American that he sang the national anthem before, during and after every game. He was so American that he loved his mother so much, he had her cloned and married her. He was so American that he shot off fireworks every day, because for Americans, every day is Independece Day. He was so American that he made out with the Statue of Liberty. How American was Mark McGwire? He was so damn American that he threw a silver dollar across the Potomac, body-slammed Hitler and remembered the Alamo, all in one motion. USA! USA! USA!

Mark McGwire, 1991 Fleer Illustration

Jose Canseco, Terry Steinbach, Mark McGwire 1989 Fleer

Names: Jose Canseco, from left, Terry Steinbach and Mark McGwire

Team: Oakland A's

Positions: Outfield, catcher, first base, respectively

Value of card: Do I hear $4? How 'bout $3. Twooo dollahs, two dollahs. Do I hear $1.50?

Key 1988 stat: One bachelor auction bash

Measuring up: The A's sluggers of the late 1980s were competitive. They challenged one another to eating contests. They challenged one another to races. They challenged one another to show, once and for all, who could inject the most steroids. But the competition reached its pinnacle when Jose Canseco, Terry Steinbach and Mark McGwire entered themselves in a bachelor auction. Canseco sent in a photo of himself shirtless. Steinbach sent in 40 strands of chest hair tied with a ribbon. McGwire sent in a Big Mac with a photo of his face between the meat and the bun. All three were given entry based on their submissions. The women of the Bay Area waited with bated breath for the auction.

The big night: Canseco, Steinbach and McGwire were backstage in their uniforms, oozing confidence, standing in front of a fake background of the Oakland Coliseum. Then, between auctioning off a high-powered lawyer and basketball heartthrob Kurt Rambis, the auctioneer approached the Triple A's. "Well, we have your heights, weights and occupations," she said, "but we're missing measurements for, ahem, that certain something." Canseco puffed out his chest. Steinbach turned white. McGwire looked down his pants. "That's right, boys," the auctioneer said. "You have to measure up before you take my stage." The players' competitive edges took control. The Triple A's pulled out their manhoods, as seen above. The auctioneer giggled, gave them a Triple F and told them to hit the showers.

Jose Canseco, Terry Steinbach, Mark McGwire 1989 Fleer

Joe Carter and Mark McGwire, 1993 Upper Deck (Teammates Checklist)

Names: Joe Carter, Mark McGwire
Teams: Toronto Blue Jays, Oakland A's
Positions: First base (McGwire); Outfield, team mom (Carter)
Value of card: One sippy cup
Key 1992 stat: 1,302 boogers wiped off (Carter only)
I do and do and do for you kids: Joe Carter is a World Series hero and a five-time All-Star, but in 1992, his biological clock was ticking. Much to the chagrin of his teammates and to the hilarity of the sports media, Carter began mothering the rest of the Blue Jays. Starting in spring training, the Jays would walk into their clubhouse and find packed lunches in their lockers. Carter would pace the room, wiping off dirt from David Wells' face with a saliva-moistened Kleenex, yelling at Jack Morris to pick up after himself and encouraging wildman Tom Henke to find himself a nice girl and settle down already. He grounded Roberto Alomar for missing curfew the night before a big series against the Yankees. He even acted as clubhouse matron during the All-Star Game. In this photo, Carter is seen wiping a stray booger off All-Star teammate Mark McGwire's nose while handing him a cup of homemade lemonade. Annoyed by the man's unconditional love, the Blue Jays could come up with one solution: They pooled together enough money to buy a black-market Salvadorian orphan named Enrique and left him on Carter's doorstep one August night. And while they were happy to no longer have the man they had come to call "Joe Mama" on their case all the time, the locker room seemed a little emptier without Carter's peanut butter cookies.

Joe Carter and Mark McGwire, 1993 Upper Deck (Teammates Checklist)