Will Clark, 1991 Jimmy Dean Signature Edition

Name: Will Clark
Team: San Francisco Giants; Jimmy Dean All-Stars; unknown
Positions: First base, pitchman
Value of card: Two eggs over easy
Key 1990 stat: $650 payday for commercial
A proud tradition: We here at The Bust have fond feelings for Jimmy Dean baseball cards. We remember opening up packages of frozen sausages and pulling out cards wrapped in icy-wet cellophane. Oh, what a combination: mass-produced meat products and mockable cards that don't even have Major League Baseball's permission to use team logos. You remember the greats: a terrible-in-teal Benito, a Kid with a kid's mustache, and a Hurt so big he can't fit within the card's borders. This time? You have a card that's anything but a thrill.

Let's get to meat of this post: Here are 10 "butchered" catchphrases from Will Clark's Jimmy Dean commercial, circa 1990.
10) "Mmm-mmm, this flash-frozen, microwavable breakfast foodstuff is a home run."
9) "Where there's a Will, there's a sausage."
8) "Jimmy Dean sausages — now made from real boots!"
7) "We put the 'age' in 'sausage.'"
6) "Let me tell you, I know Giants, and these sausages are, well, not too giant, actually. But they're a pretty decent size, when compared with what you might get at McDonald's, or Dairy Queen, for instance."
5) "Grab a skillet, then put it away and open the microwave door!"
4) "I'm Will Clark, and I've seen how the Jimmy Dean sausage is made." (barfs)
3) "Jimmy Dean: the choice of athletes who chew three cans of tobacco a day."
2) "Take it from me, the real 'thrill' is tasting these sausage patties."
1) "Jimmy, I'd eat your sausage any time."

Will Clark, 1991 Jimmy Dean Signature Edition

Benito Santiago, 1993 Jimmy Dean Sausage Collection

Name: Benito Santiago
Team: Jimmy Dean's team, apparently
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Two rotting sausage patties, regurgitated by a dog
Key 1992 stat: Six clogged arteries
Mr. Dean, we salute you: Wow. It's amazing when you're in the presence of greatness. Not only does this impressive card feature the one-and-only Benito Santiago sporting a wraparound mustache, it features the JD cowboy boot logo, meaning it's another example of the sensational sausage spectacle that is the Jimmy Dean collection. First, we met a young, mustachioed Ken Griffey Jr., who liked his sausage like he liked his women: short, thick and brown. Then we were introduced to Frank Thomas, who had eaten so many succulent sausages that his body wouldn't even fit within the card's frame. Now, we get Benito, still no Major League Baseball logos, still no team, but, for the first time in the Jimmy Dean collection, a whole lot of teal. Dig in, America. This is one tasty Jimmy Dean set.

Benito Santiago, 1993 Jimmy Dean Sausage Collection

Ken Griffey Jr., 1991 Jimmy Dean Signature Edition

Name: Ken Griffey Jr.

Team: Seattle Mariners ... maybe

Position: Outfield

Value of card: 3 pounds of rotting sausage

Key 1990 stat: 3 pounds of rotting sausage, eaten

Just one of those cards: We here at the Bust could skewer this card with a Top 10, a Pop Quiz or a Scouting Report, but with a card this bad, we feel the need to be straightforward. Let's start with the uniform, or the lack thereof. Maybe ol' Jimmy Dean should have forked over the extra dough to the players association to at least make it appear Griffey played in the major leagues, rather than the Southern Sausage League. Then there's the Jimmy Dean logo. A cowboy boot "J"? That's witty, partner. Also, this is a "signature edition," yet no signature appears on the card? The red and yellow border is a nice touch, though. You don't want anyone to forget this card comes from a sausage company. Griffey didn't help matters much. Look close, his teenage mustache contains 18 hairs. He's making love to the camera and is close to making love to the bat. Bottom line: It's never good to see how the sausage card is made.

Ken Griffey Jr., 1991 Jimmy Dean Signature Edition

Bo Jackson, 1991 Fleer Illustration (Bo Week, No. 3)

Name: Bo Jackson

Team: Los Angeles Raiders

Position: Running back

Value of card: I'm sorry. What? I was distracted.

Key 1990 stat: Bulge. I mean, uh, I was distracted. I mean, um, five rushing touchdowns.

The bulge of Bo Week: At first glance, this card seems reasonable. It's an intricate likeness of a superior athlete. Bo is in a Raiders uniform, and his baseball career is tastefully alluded to through the drawing of stitches on the moon. Then your eyes pan down. What is that? The illustrator chose to display Mr. Jackson's — bam — in an exaggerated way (at least we hope it's exaggerated). Your eyes are first drawn to the football at Bo's side, then — bam. Maybe your eyes are drawn to the Raiders helmet, whose chinstrap happens to be pointing to — bam. You can't escape it. Bo's belt can't even stay buckled because of that — bam. And what about the stitch design on the crotch of Bo's football pants? Bam. But the bam isn't contained to the frame of the illustration. Oh no. Even Bo's first name — bam — parts like the Red Sea for the — bam bam bam — just in case that buckle breaks and the bam falls through the bottom of the frame.

Bo Jackson, 1991 Fleer Illustration (Bo Week, No. 3)

Frank Thomas, 1992 Jimmy Dean Sausage Collection

Name: Frank Thomas

Team: Chicago White Sox

Position: First base

Value of card: 2 pounds of liverwurst

Key 1991 stat: Negative-one uniform

Quote: "You don't want to see how the sausage card is made." — Jimmy Dean

A recipe for disaster: Take one part Frank Thomas, combine with Midwest breakfast staple and serve on a bed of anonymous uniform. Your family will love seeing the slugger's head cut off when they're enjoying this delectable treat.

Congratulations are in order: Baseball Card Bust wants to thank the top-notch photographers and graphic designers at the Jimmy Dean Sausage Company. Without their tireless efforts, children might have known that Thomas played for the White Sox or been able to appreciate the moment fine art met sports cards.

Frank Thomas, 1992 Jimmy Dean Sausage Collection