Fred Manrique, 1989 Fleer

Name: Fred Manrique
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Second base
Value of card: One white sock
Key 1988 stat: Lost all of his bottom teeth
Ways in which Fred put the "man" in "Manrique":

• Grew a mustache both outside and inside his upper lip
• Caught fish by using nothing but an old mesh jersey
• Started campfires using only flint, steel, and his glasses
• Belched so loudly that it cleared out an entire stadium
• Despite the photographic evidence, lifted weights nonstop
• Could seduce a woman just by giving her a slack-jawed stare

Submitted by Douglas Corti

Fred Manrique, 1989 Fleer

Karl Best, 1987 Donruss

Name: Karl Best
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: See that necklace? It's worth nothing even close to that.
Key 1986 stat: 122 fish caught at Pike Place Market
Some of the reasons Karl was "the Best":

• No one else wore a $4 mesh hat during a Mariners game.
• No other pitchers had serial killer eyes.
• No other 11th-graders made it onto a baseball card.
• No other Mariners spent their evenings bagging your groceries.
• No other Major League Baseball player had such an ironic last name.

Karl Best, 1987 Donruss

Zane Smith, 1987 Donruss

Name: Zane Smith
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Even trade for a cassette tape of the "Top Gun" soundtrack
Key 1986 stat: 17 ladies seduced with this look
Top 10 side gigs for Zane Smith:
10) Swamp gator wrestler
9) Comb tester
8) Totally tubular cool dude
7) Staring contest participant
6) Backup country singer
5) Vidal Sassoon pitchman
4) Racist logo apologist
3) "Melrose Place" extra
2) Mesh model
1) Common baseball card subject

Zane Smith, 1987 Donruss

Charley Taylor and Fred Biletnikoff, 1975 Topps All Pro (Football Friday No. 204)

Names: Charley Taylor, Fred Biletnikoff
Teams: Washington Redskins, Oakland Raiders
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 6 pigeon feathers covered in bird poop
Key 1974 stat: 2 alien-looking football helmets on this card
It's time for an All-Pro edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Mustache that's like the road most traveled (Winner: Taylor)
Round 2: Name that sounds like it could be a Soviet rifle (Winner: Biletnikoff)
Round 3: Always-looking-up attitude (Winner: Taylor)
Round 4: Always-looking-ready-to-kill attitude (Winner: Biletnikoff)
Round 5: Perfectly coiffed 'fro (Winner: Taylor)
Round 6: Comb-over mullet combination of lore (Winner: Biletnikoff)
Round 7: Dude you wouldn't want to see lurking in the shadows (Winner: Biletnikoff)

Score: Biletnikoff 4, Taylor 3

Synopsis: In a close contest between two All-Pros, the Hall of Famer with the dead eyes proves a guy with hippie hair can still be a winner.

Charley Taylor and Fred Biletnikoff, 1975 Topps All Pro (Football Friday No. 204)

Luis Aquino, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Luis Aquino
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 1/22,100 of the cost of those gold chains
Key 1990 stat: 18 pounds of jewelry
Some things you might not know about Luis Aquino:

• His mustache was so razor-sharp he used it to shave off his sideburns.
• His mullet alone qualified him to be a ranchera singer.
• In this photo, he was staring down Mr. T in a chain-intimidation attempt.
• He had as many holes in his cheek as he did in his jersey.
• He went on the 15-day disabled list with neck fatigue.

Luis Aquino, 1991 Upper Deck

Roy Gerela and David Ray, 1974 Topps NFL Scoring Leaders (Football Friday No. 201)

Names: Roy Gerela, David Ray
Teams: Pittsburgh Steelers, Los Angeles Rams
Positions: Kickers
Value of card: Either 2 ounces of steel or 2 ounces of ram dung
Key 1973 stat: 432,101 practice kicks when other players were playing football
It's time for an edition of The Matchup that's a kick:

Round 1: Eyes the ladies could swim in (Winner: Gerela)
Round 2: Mullet that could stop bullets (Winner: Ray)
Round 3: Chin that appears to have been broken a few times (Winner: Gerala)
Round 4: A part that needed a rake instead of a comb (Winner: Ray)
Round 5: Bangs that were bangin' (Winner: Gerela)
Round 6: Look of a serial killer (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Played in a city that still has a professional football team (Winner: Gerela)

Score: Gerela 4, Ray 2, Ties 1

Synopsis: In a battle of placekickers, Roy Gerela took first place and proved that he knew how to score.

Roy Gerela and David Ray, 1974 Topps NFL Scoring Leaders (Football Friday No. 201)

Bruce Bochy, 1987 Topps

Name: Bruce Bochy
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Even trade for a 1988 Bruce Bochy Topps card (or, just discard it in the garbage)
Key 1987 stat: Size 8 head
It's time for a future-manager pop quiz:

Just how big is Bruce Bochy's head?

(A) It's so big, Baskin-Robbins used that helmet in a promotional giveaway and filled it with all 32 flavors.
(B) It's so big, he avoiding getting haircuts because he'd get charged double.
(C) It's so big, he has three brains crammed in there.
(D) It's so big, this card weighs 11 pounds.
(E) All of the above.

Bruce Bochy, 1987 Topps

Jose Canseco, 1989 Donruss 40/40 Club

Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 40/40 = 1 cent
Key 1988 stat: 40 (yup, just 40)
Some of the 40/40 clubs that Jose Canseco belonged to:

• 40 home runs / 40 stolen bases
• 40 ounces of mullet / 40 hats to cover mullet
• 40 yellow jerseys / 40 A's fans blinded by yellow jerseys
• 40 pieces of jewelry / 40 cents spent on vending machine jewelry
• 40 times mistaken for Ozzie Canseco / 40 times mistaken for a decent human being
• 40 holes in 5 square inches of mesh jersey / 40 holes in many of his drugs-in-baseball stories

Jose Canseco, 1989 Donruss 40/40 Club

Phil and Joe Niekro, 1988 Topps '87 Record Breakers

Names: Phil Niekro, Joe Niekro
Teams: Cleveland Indians, Minnesota Twins
Positions: Aces
Value of card: That brutal crease makes it worth twice as much
Key 1987 stat: 151 whippersnappers tossed off their lawns
It's time for a brotherly edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Older than dirt (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Survived the depression (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Memories of baseball cards in tobacco pouches (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Reputation as a silver fox (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Penchant for eating dinner at 4 p.m., game or not (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Experience playing against Ty Cobb (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Ready to punch you in the face for making fun of his age (Winner: Phil Niekro)

Score: Phil Niekro 1, Joe Niekro 0, Ties 6

Synopsis: As you'd expect, this was a close contest, with two brothers of advancing years going toe-to-toe. But, in the end, Phil Niekro's punch-happy attitude overcame the Twin on this card.

Phil and Joe Niekro, 1988 Topps '87 Record Breakers

Tony Pena, 1989 Donruss

Name: Tony Pena
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Catcher
Value of card: It's worth so little you have to throw a quarter in the garbage every time you look at it
Key 1988 stat: 20-20 vision (when wearing the world's biggest and thickest glasses)
Let's meet Tony Pena: This is Tony Pena, a catcher for the St. Louis Cardinals. He's a good guy and — oh my god, Tony, run! There's a giant red blob crawling on you! It's moving up your neck, trying to eat your face! Try to push it down! Try to pull it off! It's hideous, Tony, it's hideous! It's huge! It's a monstrosity! It has already consumed your neck and is making its way for your chin! Run, Tony, run! Oh, lord! Someone help him! Someone, please!

Tony Pena, 1989 Donruss

Levon Largusa, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Levon Largusa
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Six mismatched Legos
Key 1992 stat: 12 minutes spent in timeout
Disregard seeing this: Dear readers, ignore this card. Pretend you never saw it. Look away as soon as possible. You see, Levon Largusa wasn't a big-leaguer. He was a kid who sneaked onto the field in a mesh jersey and his dad's old cap during the Blue Jays' photo day. The Topps photographer got confused and took this photo, and somehow the card ended up in the set. But we're not worried about Topps being upset about the mistake getting revived; we're worried about little Levon's mother hollering at us again about running a photo of her boy. We're sorry, Mrs. Largusa. It won't happen again.

Card contributed by Douglas Corti

Levon Largusa, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Doug Bird, 1982 Donruss

Name: Doug Bird
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A feather in your mouth
Key 1981 stat: Twice tried to eat the ivy at Wrigley
Here's what Doug Bird stands for:

Dude's been working on his tan more than he has his curveball
Oiled up his biceps before this shot
Uncle Doug bought all the kids mesh jerseys for Christmas
Gap-toothed? Or is that just some leftover chew on that incisor?

Bird is a fitting last name for this guy, given his wings
It's not wrong to want to grab hold of those handlebars
Ratio of forehead to rest of face appears to be 1:1
Doubtful that Bird was the often word, except in the loss column

Doug Bird, 1982 Donruss

Mark Carrier, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 32)

Name: Mark Carrier
Team: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 1 pound of used wrist tape
Key 1990 stat: 123,981 times confused with the other Mark Carrier
It's time for another stirring, orange-and-white pop quiz:

Why is this card a stretch?

(A) Because that's not even a well-defined Tyson-esque hair line.
(B) Because he's holding his leg like a sniper rifle.
(C) Because there's no way that chain is real gold.
(D) Because this is a football card but the Buccaneers weren't really a football team.
(E) Because Carrier has no second leg.
(F) Because he's stretching, duh.
(G) All of the above.

Mark Carrier, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 32)

Mitch Williams, 1992 Score Select

Name: Mitch Williams
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Closer
Value of card: All the holes in that mesh jersey, combined
Key 1991 stat: Needed to work on his forkball grip
Mitch Williams' train of thought from 12:11 to 12:13 p.m., March 2, 1992: "God, how long is this photo shoot going to take? I've been staring at this baseball for, like, 20 minutes. At this point, I'm more intimate with it than I was with the last girl who got this grip. ... Ugh, why did I go with my tightest headband? The top of my head is numb, and I think the my upper ears are starting to chafe. ... Ah well, at least my hair looks good. No, wait. At least my hair looks great! It's pitched forward farther than I was the last time Kruk and I split a case of Schlitz. ... Thank Christ, he finally got the shot. Ah crap, I can't move my fingers!"

Mitch Williams, 1992 Score Select

LaMarr Hoyt, 1982 Topps

Name: LaMarr Hoyt
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One fancy-pants autograph
Key 1981 stat: 14,296 holes in his mesh jersey
LaMarr Hoyt's train of thought, 1:10 to 1:12 p.m., March 7, 1982: "My God, what is that smell? Is that the photographer? I wish he'd hurry up. Wearing all these sets of lapels is hot work, even in March. I sure do look good, though. Who cares if the colors don't match      collars are so in this year. But that stench is driving me crazy! Maybe it's just Florida. Or maybe Morrison's just smoking one of his 'supplements.' Guh, I think I'm gonna barf." (Leans over and dry-heaves, hair falls across his face) "No, that's worse! Wait, is it ... it that smell coming from my hair? Oh, gross! No wonder they've been calling me 'LaMarroma'! OK, that's it, I don't care if it has only been two months, I'm showering tomorrow."

Card suggested by Tyler Kepner

LaMarr Hoyt, 1982 Topps

Ivan Calderon, 1988 Topps

Name: Ivan Calderon
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Three pieces of discarded rubber
Key 1987 stat: 212 times called "Ivan the Terrible" by the Chicago media when he was in a slump
Time for a Windy City pop quiz:

What the hell is Ivan Calderon wearing under his mesh jersey?

(A) The garbage bag usually used to store the team's soiled jockstraps
(B) A new, improved mesh — without any holes
(C) The Batsuit
(D) He's not wearing anything; that's body hair less ridiculous than what's on his face
(E) None of the above

Ivan Calderon, 1988 Topps

Moses Denson, 1975 Topps (Football Friday No. 152)

Name: Moses Denson
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Running back
Value of card: 21 dead locusts
Key 1974 stat: 40 years wandering the desert
Pray to Him for a card this good: Hold on. Just hold on a second, Topps. You think you're pretty funny, don't ya? So funny. Just so, so funny. Here we have Moses Denson, a fine 1970s running back. But his statistics and performance on the field don't matter. Just look at that name. Now toss out the last name. Yes, we're looking solely at "Moses." Moses, he of the 10 Commandments. He of Mount Sinai. He of the Red Sea. Hmm, the Red Sea. The gigantic body of water that the biblical Moses parted. And here we have modern-day Moses, who, by the grace of God, has parted his beard and hair in the same manner that biblical Moses parted a sea. Well played, Topps. Well played, Moses. Suck on that, Heston.

Moses Denson, 1975 Topps (Football Friday No. 152)

Jeff Reed, 1989 Donruss

Name: Jeff Reed
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Catcher
Value of card: One broken reed from an oboe
Key 1988 stat: One red batting glove, one blue batting glove
Let's poke some holes in this guy's story with a pop quiz: We see "ou," but what's the full slogan on Jeff Reed's undershirt?

A) Double Weight Eyeglass Depot
B) You Can't Make Me Get A Haircut
C) You Shouldn't Mesh With Me, Buddy
D) Soup Is Delicious
E) International House of Aftershave

Jeff Reed, 1989 Donruss

Matt Williams, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Matt Williams
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Third base
Value of card: A black void of value
Key 1991 stat: 3,212 conversations with himself
A Giant introduction: "Well, hello. I didn't notice you there. Did you notice me? I thought so. Yeah, I'm just kicking back, relaxing, catching some rays under this blindingly bright light. You ever smell arm hair singed from above? Now you have. By the way, how do you like my jersey? Is it meshy enough for ya? Yes, I know. It's so holy in belongs in a synagogue. What's that? You think I should have shaved before this photo shoot? Pfft. I don't live by other people's conventions. That's why I'm sitting here, posing, with my jock strap outside my pants. You're welcome."

Matt Williams, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Frank Thomas, 1992 Baseball Card Presents ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 2)

Name: Frank Thomas
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: First base, designated hitter
Value of card: 16 TV Guides from the late 1980s used to mop up air-conditioning condensation
Key 1991 stat: 22,986 hours of TV watched
10 television shows that could star Frank Thomas with one word change:
10) "Thomas in Charge"
9) "The Big Hurt Theory"
8) "Lacking Chicago Hope"
7) "Magnum D.H."
6) "Beavis and Huge-Head"
5) "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtlenecks"
4) "Baseball Brew Masters"
3) "Frank 'Nose' Best"
2) "The Mesh Prince of Bel-Air"
1) "Frank Thomas the Tank and Friends"

Frank Thomas, 1992 Baseball Card Presents ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 2)