Darryl Strawberry, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Name: Darryl Strawberry
Team: New York Mets
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A straw with a hole in it
Key 1986 stat: Half a mustache
Is Darryl Strawberry having a medical emergency? While li'l Darryl appears to be fit and hale, watching yet another long ball soar out of Shea, big Darryl might be in trouble. His hat's a little askew, but that's no big deal, and his eyes look fine. His nose is pretty asymmetrical, though      perhaps he's been in a fistfight? The big worry here, however, is what's going on with his mouth and cheeks. Either he's having a stroke or half of his face is melting due to some sort of witchcraft. Grab a cross and call an ambulance, Straw! Every second counts!

Darryl Strawberry, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

David Cone, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Name: David Cone
Team: New York Mets
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One piece of sugar cone, picked up off the floor
Key 1988 stat: 14 times yelled at Keith Hernandez to stop farting so much
Is David Cone having a medical emergency? David is definitely pale in this image; in fact, he may be an albino. But that's a lifelong condition, not really a medical emergency. The back of his hair appears to be streaming into the New York sky, but that could just be an optical illusion caused by his supersonic speed. What's more concerning is that he looks like he's attempting to speak, but unable to fully open his mouth. I think what we've got here is a classic case of lockjaw. Better get to the ER, buddy; you don't want to mess with tetanus.

David Cone, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Dwight Gooden, 1986 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Name: Dwight Gooden
Team: New York Mets
Position: Ace
Value of card: One big apple, filled with worms
Key 1985 stat: Constant disgust
Yep, we've got more of 'em: That's right, Internet, your least favorite subset is back. Sure, we've already posted enough Diamond Kings to stuff a binder, but this week's seven illustrations make us wonder if the athletes featured in them are having some sort of medical emergency. So, to borrow an idea from Grandma Milhouse, go ahead and dial 9-1 while we investigate; then, if we say so, dial 1 again.
Is Dwight Gooden having a medical emergency? Upon further investigation, Doc is not having an embolism; he's just angry. Wouldn't you be? I mean, if you were painted with a laser beam going through your ears, a miniature version of yourself digging his cleats into your own neck, and your mouth at a completely different angle than the rest of your face, you can't tell me you'd be happy about it. So forgive Doc if he's a little torqued off. (Just don't tell him about the two little white lines around that laser beam.)

Dwight Gooden, 1986 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Nino Espinosa, 1979 O-Pee-Chee

Name: Nino Espinosa
Team: New York Mets
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 2 cents Canadian
Key 1978 stat: 2 trips to Canada (Expos series)
Nino Espinosa's train of thought from 12:44 to 12:45 p.m. September 17, 1978: "Man, Nino is looking good. I spent 45 minutes on my 'fro today, and another 10 minutes getting my hat to sit right, but it was worth it. When you're a big shot, like Nino, you have to look the part. Got my jersey buttoned up just right. Got my sleeves on and my mustache manicured. Nino's 'fro is glistening. Man, I'm so excited to be on a Topps card. Wait, what did the photographer say? This is a Canadian O-Pee-Chee card? What? All that primpin' and no American pimpin'? Nino got to call Nino's agent."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Nino Espinosa, 1979 O-Pee-Chee

Gary Carter, 1989 Bowman (Fan Appreciation Week No. 5)

Name: Gary Carter
Team: New York Mets
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Abject terror
Key 1988 stat: 138 runners tagged out after petrifying them with the above glare
Holy jeebus: Dear lord, run away, Ryne Sandberg! Who cares if you go out of the baseline      Gary Carter is turning into some sort of hellbeast right before our very eyes! He means to wrap our bodies in catcher's pads made of fire and then eat our souls! Fly, you fools!

Card submitted by Walt Lindberg

Gary Carter, 1989 Bowman (Fan Appreciation Week No. 5)

Jesse Orosco, 1985 Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Name: Jesse Orosco
Team: New York Mets
Position: Reliever
Value of card: Whatever Mr. Orosco says it's worth
Key 1984 stat: Whichever stat Mr. Orosco would like us to highlight
Whatever you say, Mr. Orosco: Um, hello there, sir. Has anyone ever told you that you're quite scary — and, of course, quite good-looking. And you're an awesome pitcher. The best we've ever seen. Yes, um, yes. We would never think of making fun of you or your Diamond Kings baseball card because, um, what could we make fun of? We couldn't possibly find anything wrong with such a beautiful illustration or with such an attractive face. Just promise us you won't sneak through one of our windows at night and kill our families with baseball stirrups and a hacksaw. Also, in closing, let us just say that we love your bangs and hair wings, asymmetrical eyes, shadowy profile and translucent skin. They're beautiful attributes. What's that? ... Oh, this is actually a photo of Orosco's corpse. Well, in that case, this is one of the most frightening cards we've ever seen, and it would be better served in a gallery of serial-killer images than in a Diamond Kings set.

Jesse Orosco, 1985 Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Felix Millan, 1976 Topps

Name: Felix Millan
Team: New York Mets
Position: Second base
Value of card: One empty package of Milano cookies
Key 1975 stat: Arms and upper lip were never cold
Try not to get choked up over this pop quiz: What is Felix Millan doing here?

A) Showing off his unusual batting style, in which he pokes the knob of the bat at the baseball, like a pool cue
B) Showing off his unusual batting style, in which he uses a whole salami instead of a baseball bat
C) Showing off his unusual batting style, in which he rests his head on his hands before taking a swing
D) Getting ready to beat the crap out of those two little dudes at the bottom of the card
E) Making us jealous of his mustache, but not his unusual batting style. What a freak.

Felix Millan, 1976 Topps

New York Mets, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Names: Some Mets
Team: See above
Positions: Flying, kneeling, kicking
Value of card: 1 cent for each moron in this photo
Key 1991 stat: 487 innings playing grab-ass
It's time for ultra-stupid pop quiz:

Just what the hell are these three Mets players doing?

(A) Practicing for second, more successful careers as mimes.
(B) Losing a baseball game.
(C) The guy on the left is diving; the guy on the ground is shooting dice; the guy on the right is walking like a toy soldier.
(D) "FUN AT THE BALLPARK"
(E) Demonstrating typical Mets baseball
(F) All of the above, except D.

New York Mets, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Darryl Strawberry, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Name: Darryl Strawberry
Team: New York Mets
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Radiation poisoning
Key 1990 stat: Cocaine was a hell of a drug
An illustrative pop quiz: What's the deal with Straw's bat?

A) You see, the artist was indicating that the bat was a nuclear weapon, representing Darryl's power. Silly.
B) It wasn't the first time Strawberry was associated with lines.
C) Who cares? What I want to know is why is the moon in so many of these stupid cards?
D) It burns! IT BURNS!
E) No, but really, it's A.

Darryl Strawberry, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Pete Falcone, 1982 Fleer

Name: Pete Falcone
Team: New York Mets
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 2 ounces of wax from a 1982 wax pack
Key 1981 stat: 4,397 baseball cards collected (all commons)
10 things you might not have known about this card:
10) Shortly after this photo was taken, two swamp rats jumped from Falcone's beard.
9) That's a Cub Scout staring at the nearly naked guy in the back.
8) Falcone's teammates forced him to wear jerseys with the word "FEET" on the back — as evidenced by the jerseys draped across that stool — to draw attention to his noxious loafers.
7) The look inside the locker exposes Falcone as a poncho enthusiast.
6) At the time of this photo, Falcone was chewing the wax from the wax pack, not the gum.
5) This was a shot of Mr. Met's Irish Bar, housed in the Mets' locker room from 1977 to 1983.
4) Falcone fought Fleer to have his name appear as "Pete Falcon."
3) It's the only card ever to feature the horrifying, bony back of Zelda from "Pet Sematary."
2) Truman Capote wrote a chapter of "In Cold Blood" while hiding out in the back of this card.
1) Falcone is actually holding a Pete Falcone card that's more worthless than this one.

Pete Falcone, 1982 Fleer

Ed Kranepool, 1999 Sports Illustrated Greats of the Game

Name: Ed Kranepool
Team: New York Mets
Position: First base
Value of card: One lobster dinner, left in the sun for 11 hours
Key 1974 stat: 14 times dined and dashed
Pop quiz, alfresco: What's the strangest thing about Ed Kranepool's dinner, pictured above?

A) That it appears to come with a side of French toast and a bagel
B) Iced tea with lobster? What is this, amateur hour?
C) That it's taking place at second base, when the card clearly says he plays first
D) What, no melted butter?
E) That he's tearing apart that lobster with hands the size of George "The Animal" Steele's

Ed Kranepool, 1999 Sports Illustrated Greats of the Game

Dwight Gooden and Roger Clemens, 1987 Fleer Superstar Specials

Names: Dwight "Dr. K" Gooden and Roger, um, "Super K" Clemens
Teams: New York Mets and Boston Red Sox
Positions: Pitchers
Value of card: One staged handshake
Key 1986 stat: So, so many illegal substances
Let's get these two disgraced aces into a Matchup:

Round 1: Looking at the camera (Winner: Tie     neither)
Round 2: Bulge (Winner: Dr. K)
Round 3: Future drug-related controversies (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Future loathing from two fan bases (Winner: Super K)
Round 5: Actual nickname used on card (Winner: Dr. K)
Round 6: About to fall asleep (Winner: Dr. K)
Round 7: Better record in the 1986 World Series (Winner: Super K     0-0, compared to Dr. K's 0-2)

Final score: Dr. K 3, Super K 2 (Ties: 2)

Synopsis: Clemens seemed doomed from the beginning, considering Fleer just made up a nickname for him on this card. Really, Fleer, you never heard of "The Rocket"? Still, it was a close battle, with Gooden's bulge helping to provide the winning margin. At least Buckner wasn't to blame this time.

Dwight Gooden and Roger Clemens, 1987 Fleer Superstar Specials

Al Leiter, 2005 Upper Deck

Name: Al Leiter
Team: New York Mets
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A dead spark plug
Key 2004 stat:1 pseudo-flat-top hairdo
Wait just a darn minute: Baseball fans remember June 9, 1999, when then-Mets manager Bobby Valentine got kicked out of a game only to don a disguise and return to the dugout minutes later. But few seem to recall the bizarre event that occurred six years later, on June 17, 2005, when Mets manager Willie Randolph pulled an even more outrageous stunt. New York was getting hammered by Philadelphia 12-2. Rather than call on his bullpen, which had been exhausted in an extra-innings game the night before, Randolph in the seventh inning sent starter Al Leiter back out to the mound       along with a pitching machine and a carton of balls. It took a few minutes before umpire Ted Barrett, who also was tired from the previous night's marathon contest, realized what was going on, allowing the machine to post a line of two hits, an earned run and a hit batsman in a third of an inning. The Mets signed the machine to a one-year extension the next day.

Al Leiter, 2005 Upper Deck

Haj Turay, 2003 Topps Total

Name: Haj Turay
Team: New York Mets
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One bizarre mini-bulge
Key 2002 stat: Hit, Haj Turay? No! Eh? No!
Clearing up some rumors about Haj Turay:

• Haj Turay was not, in fact, a gremlin. He just smiled like one.
• Despite how he's holding the bat in the above photo, Haj Turay did, in fact, get paid to play baseball.
• Despite what it says, this was not Haj Turay's first-year card, because Haj Turay never had a first year in the majors.
• Haj Turay did not, in fact, have a helmet with the Mets logo. Rather, he had just spray-painted the above helmet blue and orange and snuck into Shea Stadium.
• Haj Turay did, in fact, smell like old cabbage.
• Haj Turay did, in fact, have the skinniest little chicken legs in the Tri-State Area.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Haj Turay, 2003 Topps Total

Frank Viola, 1991 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 3)

Name: Frank Viola
Team: New York Mets
Position: Ace
Value of card: 11 rotting apple cores
Key 1990 stat: 10 fruits thrown during games
10 instances of Frank Viola throwing fruit, and the outcome of each:
10) He threw a grapefruit, and the players at spring training in Florida thought it was appropriate.
9) He threw a banana, and the phallic jokes ensued.
8) He threw a blueberry, and it was his only strikeout of the day.
7) He threw a nectarine, and then pointed to his turtleneck.
6) He threw a kumquat, and everyone started giggling.
5) He threw a lemon, and Chet Lemon charged the mound.
4) He threw a tomato, and then realized Mets fans were also throwing tomatoes, at him.
3) He threw a tangerine with that hairdo, and someone yelled, "Hey, fruit!"
2) He threw a watermelon, and some slugger named Gallagher hit a home run with a sledgehammer.
1) He threw a big apple, and 42,712 New Yorkers booed the obvious pun.

Frank Viola, 1991 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 3)

Joe Torre, 1978 Topps

Name: Joe Torre As Player, Joe Torre As Manager
Teams: Milwaukee Braves, New York Mets
Positions: As Player, As Manager
Value of card: Three overexposed negatives
Key 1977 stat: Four letters of childlike cursive written on his own card
It's time for a then-and-now battle in The Matchup:

Round 1: Face only a mother could love (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Resemblance to great mediocre ape (Winner: As Manager)
Round 3: Butt chin prominence (Winner: As Player)
Round 4: Raccoon eyes (Winner: As Player)
Round 5: Wings that could fly that massive dome around the world (Winner: As Manager)
Round 6: 2 o'clock shadow like it's 11 o'clock (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Ability to bench the other if the laws of physics are broken and the space-time continuum ceases to exist (Winner: As Manager)

Score: As Manager 3, As Player 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: Given that this was Joe Torre squaring up against Joe Torre, it's no surprise the battle was close. But in the end, the Hall of Fame manager outshined his younger self with a heaping helping of face and hair handles that just won't quit.

Joe Torre, 1978 Topps

Len Randle, 1978 Topps

Name: Len "Lenny" Randle
Team: New York Mets
Position: Third base
Value of card: $1 off at Dr. Pokey's ColonoscopyMart
Key 1977 stat: One vicious beating
Get a handle on Lenny Randle: What is San Diego Padres first baseman Gene Richards doing to cause Lenny Randle to make that face?

A) Checking for polyps
B) Administering a court-ordered spanking for beating up Frank Lucchesi
C) Just a quick goose
D) Seeing whether the baseball fits
E) Nothing he wasn't asked to do

Len Randle, 1978 Topps

Rick Aguilera, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Rick Aguilera
Team: New York Mets
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One vacant expression
Key 1988 stat: 28 innings pitched in Major League Baseball's "mannequin game"
It's time for a reader-submitted pop quiz:

What was Aguilera taking a gander at when this photo was taken?

A) A beer salesman hitting cans to fans with a fungo.
B) A merchandise vendor selling New York Knicks warmup jerseys like the one Aguilera is wearing.
C) A fan mimicking Aguilera's rendition of "I'm a Little Teapot."
D) The Jumbotron's close-up of Aguilera's man mat.
E) All of the above, all at once.

Post and card submitted by Jordan Elam

Rick Aguilera, 1989 Upper Deck

Dwight Gooden, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Name: Dwight Gooden
Team: New York Mets
Position: Ace
Value of card: A pile of ash
Key 1990 stat: Third-degree burns
Artistic quiz time: What was the inspiration for this portrait of the Doc?

A) Gooden's blazing-fast heater, known to frighten children and right-handers alike
B) Gooden's propensity to inhale toxic substances (in this case, glove smoke)
C) Gooden's paralyzing fear of the dark, which led him to burn his own possessions at night
D) That time Gooden wore his glove for a shoe and his teammates gave him a hot foot
E) A and D

Dwight Gooden, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Alan Zinter, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 1)

Name: Alan Zinter
Team: New York Mets (We had to do some research.)
Positions: Outfield, first base
Value of card: Two of the plastic circles cut out of batting helmets to make the ear holes
Key 1989 stat: 12 stolen bags (of mesh practice jerseys)
Welcome to Boring Bowman Week: We've hit a new low here at The Bust, even though most of you thought that was impossible. But thanks to the brainiacs behind the 1990 Bowman set, it happened. In honor of baseball's most idle week (only the all-star game will be played between now and Friday      and it doesn't even count!) we are dedicating a week's worth of posts to this nondescript, unimaginative and altogether boring card collection of your favorite athletes in their most pedestrian of poses. By the looks of the cards you'll see this week, we think Bowman sent out a blind high school photography student with a disposable Kodak and gave him three days to get photos of the more than 700 players who make up this set. Don't agree? We'll do our best over the next seven days to bore you into believing us.
Lazy, just plain lazy: Imagine a 10-year-old ripping open a pack of 1990 Bowman cards on a sunny spring morning, hoping to score a couple of collectibles of his favorite players in action shots he could show off to his friends and family. And then, this: possibly the most boring baseball card the world has even seen. First off, no one outside the New York Mets' front office has ever heard of Alan Zinter. But that's fine, because hundreds of prospects go unheralded until they hit the big time. But Bowman didn't even do the 10-year-old and the rest of the world's collectors the courtesy of getting Zinter in a real uniform. He's wearing a Little League helmet, for chris'sakes. Well, at least we know what position he plays. Oh, wait, that basic information is left off the front of the card, probably to allow for more room for the blurred, unrecognizable landscape and the shadow over the subject's eyes. Nice work, Bowman.

Card submitted by Omar Zazueta

Alan Zinter, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 1)