Luis Mercedes, 1992 Star

Name: Luis Mercedes
Team: Frederick Keys (Orioles affiliate)
Position: Second base
Value of card: Absolutely nothing
Key 1991 stat: Rated best-bunting second baseman who also shared a name with a car
Start your engines: In 1992, the Keys were hoping Luis Mercedes could help them Ford their way to a title with his Jaguar-like speed and Ram-like power. Alas, Luis's average was Mini and his strikeout rate rocketed toward Infiniti. Quickly, Orioles management opted to Dodge a bullet and made the Smart decision, saying Tata to Luis in what was truly a Saab story.

Luis Mercedes, 1992 Star

Kevin Mmahat, 1990 CMC

Name: Kevin Mmahat
Team: Columbus Clippers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Mmm, nada
Key 1989 stat: Mmm, still searching
New York Yankees' scouting report on prospect Kevin Mmhat: "Mmm, can't quite figure it out, but there's something about that name I like. ... With that many M's in his last name, maybe he has a few K's in that arm. ... Has a 'hat' in his last name and we wear hats. It's a match! ... According to his glove, his nickname is 'Hat.' So creative. Sounds like a Yankee to me. ... Wait, how the hell do you pronounce this? Ma-hat. Em-em-hat. Ems-hat. Em-ma-hat. Screw it, let's keep him in the minors."

Card submitted by Al Filipczak

Kevin Mmahat, 1990 CMC

Chuck Mount, 1991 Impel Line-Drive Pre-Rookies

Name: Chuck Mount
Team: Iowa Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Mount it on the wall, still worthless
Key 1990 stat: 11 mountains summited
Cubs' scouting report on minor league prospect Chuck Mount: "Forget his pitching; I just want to hang out with this guy. ... What are the chances he uses his name as part of a pickup line with the ladies? ... Big-league butt chin. Definitely. ... Iowa Cubs. Chicago Cubs. What's the difference? Just bring him up. ... Just to ensure it's clear why we like him: His first name is a synonym for hamburger and his last name is something I try to do to my wife three times a year."

Card submitted by Al Filipczak

Chuck Mount, 1991 Impel Line-Drive Pre-Rookies

Jay Baller, 1990 CMC

Name: Jay Baller
Team: Omaha Royals
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: If you cut out that imperfection smudge on the left side of this card and offered it to someone on the street for a dollar, this card is worth the spit that would wind up on your face.
Key 1989 stat: 77 strikes (not strikeouts; just strikes)
Royals' scouting report on minor league prospect Jay Baller: "Says here this guy is a Baller. We have no indications of that. ... Might want to bring him to Kansas City if Omaha throws in a couple of steaks. ... Pitching skills aside, he has a real chance to make the Name Hall of Fame. ... Mustache? Baller. Mullet? Baller. Baseball skills? Not baller. ... Baller? I barely knew her! Ha! Wait, we're supposed to be evaluating this guy?"

Card submitted by Al Filipczak

Jay Baller, 1990 CMC

Rich Batchelor, 1991 Classic Best

Name: Rich Batchelor
Team: Fort Lauderdale Yankees
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 square inches of tarp
Key 1990 stat: Zero runs allowed during rain delays
Yankees' scouting report on pitching prospect Rich Batchelor: "From our research, he does well in an empty stadium with no other players on the field. ... Despite being a Batchelor, we don't need to worry about him getting sidetracked with the ladies. ... If he doesn't work out, we could deal him to the 'Revenge of the Nerds' production team. ... We can foresee a future on the New York Yankees, as the assistant to the traveling secretary. ... Rich Batchelor, poor pitcher."

Card submitted by Al Filipczak

Rich Batchelor, 1991 Classic Best

Colin Charland, 1988 TCMA

Name: Colin Charland
Team: Palm Springs Angels
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Six ounces of those little charred bits you have to scrape off the barbecue
Key 1987 stat: Made his own hat
California Angels scouting report on prospect Colin Charland: "Needs to work on curve, changeup, growing eyebrows. ... If baseball doesn't work out, he can always go back to middle school. ...  Geez, we really need to pitch in for some new uniforms down in Palm Springs. ... Says his favorite food is pizza. Fitting, since that's what his face looks like, too. ... His fastball sits in the low 90s. He, himself, usually sits alone in the cafeteria at lunch. ... The sky's the limit for this kid      especially once he starts his second career as a flight attendant."

Card submitted by Zach Jones

Colin Charland, 1988 TCMA

Craig Smajstrla, 1990 CMC

Name: Craig Smajstrla
Team: Tucson Toros
Position: Infield
Value of card: 2 ounces of pigeon poop
Key 1989 stat: 11 bunt attempts missed
Houston Astros' scouting report on minor-leaguer Craig Smajstrla: "Some of our players need a math tutor, so this kid might work out. ... This guy's a clutch hitter for the Toros? That's a bunch of bull. ... Four-tool player: calculator, protractor, compass and pocket protector. ... Forget this guy, let's call up that batting helmet. ... Chin is big league, but we'll need to work on the rest of that face. ... Smaj, Smajst, Smajstr — hell, we don't need a player whose name sounds like toothpaste being sucked through a vacuum cleaner."

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Craig Smajstrla, 1990 CMC

Scott Pose, 1992 SkyBox AA

Name: Scott Pose
Team: Chattanooga Lookouts
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A box full of nothing but sky (that is, air)
Key 1991 stat: Never convinced anybody of anything
Get your story straight: This Scott Pose card is as confusing as it is worthless. Here are just some of its contradictions:

• The guy's name is Pose, but this is clearly a live-action shot of him crashing into the wall      right?
• He plays for the Lookouts, but he clearly wasn't looking out for his own dignity when agreeing to this shot.
• This photo was purportedly taken in Chattanooga, but, given the exposed wiring and crumbling masonry, that sure looks like the Oakland Coliseum to us.
• The card says he's a "pre-rookie," but we all know that's not actually a thing.

Card submitted by Al Filipczak

Scott Pose, 1992 SkyBox AA

Park Pittman, 1990 PCL League

Name: Park Pittman
Team: Portland Beavers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 1 pound of chewed-up wood
Key 1989 stat: 287,119 "beaver" jokes in the dugout
Minnesota Twins' scouting report of Portland Beavers prospect Park Pittman: "Big-league mullet, so who cares about his arm? ... We'll never be able to trade him to the Cardinals after they see him sporting a jersey that's an obvious ripoff of theirs. ... Appears to be storing a beaver pelt under his cap, which is a plus. ... We'll need to enlist the team barber to even out that 'stache. ... Has a name fit for a baseball comedy movie, which translates well considering his laughable prospects in the big leagues. ... Can we just bring up this Beaver? The clubhouse is a serious sausage fest."

Card submitted by Zach Jones

Park Pittman, 1990 PCL League

John Elway, 1999 Just Imagine

Name: John Elway
Team: Oneonta Yankees
Position: Quarterback Outfield
Value of card: It's not a mile high
Key 1998 stat: 10 interceptions
New York Yankees' scouting report on minor-league prospect John Elway: "I've seen a lot of pros, and this kid will never be a pro at anything. ... Looks kind of like a horse. Maybe he should play for the Broncos (laughter fills room). ... He's got a good bat but he really needs to work on that arm. ... He's got a face that would look better with a helmet over it. ... Judging solely from this painting of him, he might have a career as a Diamond King. ... I'd bet my salary we never hear about this Elway kid again."

John Elway, 1999 Just Imagine

Shon Ashley, 1988 California League All-Stars

Name: Shon Ashley
Team: Stockton (Calif.) Ports
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 2 NewPorts
Key 1987 stat: 7 days spent in Stockton 1 night
Seattle Mariners' scouting report on minor-league prospect Shon Ashley: "Five-tool player. Of course, one of those tools is a hammer and another is a wrench. ... Minor-league 'stache, big-league arm hair. ... Tough to evaluate anyone in a uniform like that. ... Decent argument to bring him up just to get the poor guy out of Stockton. ... Could distract the pitcher if he actually bats like this. ... Not sure we want anyone on our team who spells 'Shon' like that."

Card submitted by Zach Jones

Shon Ashley, 1988 California League All-Stars

Sean Berry, 1990 ProCards

Name: Sean Berry
Team: Memphis Chicks
Position: Third base
Value of card: One berry, eaten by a baby chicken and then crapped out
Key 1989 stat: Was a Chick
Well, well, another winner: Oh, just fantastic work here, ProCards. We won't even worry about your card design, with the giant block of red not even half-filled with that text that looks like it was stamped on. What the crap is this photo? Did your photographer half-ass it because he was disappointed that the Memphis Chicks were not, in fact a women's baseball team? Or did this consummate professional intentionally have everyone pose so that their faces would be buried in shadow? Whatever the case, one thing is for certain: this whole card was triple-A-ball, indeed.

Sean Berry, 1990 ProCards

Jim Moore, 1985 TCMA

Name: Jim Moore
Team: Fort Myers Royals
Position: Traveling secretary (not just some fat guy who was at the ballpark, OK?)
Value of card: An old boarding pass from two years ago
Key 1984 stat: Jokingly mispronounced Fort Myers as "Fart Myers" 71 times
A career journeyman: Jim Moore bounced around the minors for years, never quite able to get over the hump and earn a call-up to the show. His was an up-and-down career coming into 1984. It seemed like every time he would score a huge discount on a four-star hotel, he'd follow it up by sitting along the roadside after the team bus broke down, unable to secure a replacement for hours on end. But Moore's big breakthrough finally came that same year with the Fort Myers Royals. Using his rugged good looks and sharp sense of style, Moore sweet-talked his way into the heart of one of Tampa's richest female executives, persuading her to sell her Learjet to the team for just pennies on the dollar. The decision-makers in Kansas City took notice, and Jim Moore was soon on his way to the bigs, saying goodbye to the minors forever and leaving yet another woman brokenhearted.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Jim Moore, 1985 TCMA

Steve Sharts, 1990 CMC (Fan Appreciation Week No. 7)

Name: Steve Sharts (yes!)
Team: Scranton-Wilkes Barre Red Barrons
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Half the discs from a DVD set of Season 8 of "The Office"
Key 1989 stat: Stood 5' 11" (6' 7" with hair)
Don't strain too hard over this poop pop quiz: Which statement best describes Steve Sharts' baseball career?

(A) He tried to force it on the mound.
(B) His numbers stunk to high heaven.
(C) As much talent as scouts thought he had, only a little came out.
(D) He was a stain on the Red Barons' franchise.
(E) All of the above

Card submitted by Al Filipczak

Steve Sharts, 1990 CMC (Fan Appreciation Week No. 7)

Motorboat Jones, 1994 Upper Deck Top Prospects (Fan Appreciation Week No. 2)

Name: Eugene "Motoroboat" Jones
Team: Chatanooga Lookouts
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A fish hook stuck in your finger
Key 1993 stat: Did not own a motor boat
This pop quiz is taking on water: How did Motorboat Jones get his name?

(A) Constant flatulence
(B) He carried an aroma of fish guts and sea captains
(C) A series of sexual harassment suits involving his face and women's cleavage
(D) Teams that purchased his contract always regretted it within a few months and rarely used him
(E) All of the above

Card submitted by Andrew Boggs 

Motorboat Jones, 1994 Upper Deck Top Prospects (Fan Appreciation Week No. 2)

Dave Huppert, 1988 California Leauge All-Stars

Name: Dave Huppert
Team: Stockton Ports
Position: Manager
Value of card: One baby-smooth shave
Key 1987 stat: Spent a week in Stockton one night
Top 10 things that can be seen up Dave Huppert's nose in this photo:

10) Dave Huppert's brain
9) Another one of those giant electrical towers
8) The charm of Stockton, Calif.
7) A baseball card featuring Dave Huppert
6) The origin of the universe
5) A second, slightly smaller curled mullet
4) The ball from his one major league hit
3) Snails
2) The entirety of his nostrils
1) A booger the size of his neck

Card submitted by Zach Jones

Dave Huppert, 1988 California Leauge All-Stars

Matt Drews, 1997 All Sport Plus Past Present Future

Name: Matt Drews
Team: Some Detroit Tigers farm team or other
Positions: Pitcher, radar gun holder, jorts model
Value of card: In cents, the same number of starts he made in the majors (Hint: Less than one)
Key 1996 1998 stat: Led the International League in hit batsmen (not making that up)
Past, present, and future: This wonderful baseball card set featured some of sports' greatest heroes, then-current stars and biggest prospects. It also featured what appears to be a close-up photo of a graham cracker at the bottom, but we digress. Here's the past, present and future of Matt Drews at the time the above photo was taken.

Past: His best fastball; his best breaking ball; all self-respect; the touch of a woman who wasn't being paid.
Present: Not being allowed on the field; holding a radar gun that doesn't work; drawing obscene images on his notepad instead of taking notes; wondering why his photo is being taken when he's in the stands.
Future: Two straight seasons at Toledo with 14 or more losses and a 7-plus ERA; a job at a car rental agency; more jorts; being mocked on a mediocre baseball card blog.

Matt Drews, 1997 All Sport Plus Past Present Future

German "Cesar" Jimenez, 1988 Fleer and 1989 Greenville Braves Best

Names: Cesar Jimenez, German Jimenez (actually the same person) 
Teams: Atlanta Braves, Greenville Braves
Positions: Portly pitcher
Value of card: An ounce of Caesar dressing
Key 1988-89 stat: Zero haircuts (not counting mustache)
It's a mistaken-identity Matchup: Sure, we're aware that the above two cards both feature pitcher German Jimenez, and that Fleer just got his first name wrong (go figure). But that won't stop us from pitting one chunky man against himself.

Round 1: More masculine mustache (Winner: Cesar)
Round 2: Cooler uniform (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Less racist mascot (Winner: German)
Round 4: Puffier hairdo (Winner: German)
Round 5: Card that vaguely resembles a candy cane (Winner: Cesar)
Round 6: Chins (Winner: German)
Round 7: Worried expression that may portend a dumb mistake on Fleer's part (Winner: Cesar)
Round 8: Insistence upon signing card with his real name (Winner: German)

Final score: German 4, Cesar 3 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: German survived a blitzkrieg from his made-up counterpart to take a narrow victory. There will be no hailing Cesar, and definitely no hailing Fleer. Real nice work, guys.

Cards submitted by Sean Griffin

German "Cesar" Jimenez, 1988 Fleer and 1989 Greenville Braves Best

Scott Eyre, 1994 Upper Deck Top Prospects

Name: Scott Eyre
Team: Charleston Rainbows (Texas Rangers affiliate)
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 15 percent tip on nada
Key 1994 stat: 4,809 times it was impossible to live down this card
Steady your stomach, it's time for another recipe:

Rainbow balls
2 regulation baseballs
3 ounces irony
11 pints of missed puns
Dash of childlike innocence
Double entendre to taste

Take the baseballs and set them on a table. Tell an 18-year-old rookie to sit down and pretend to cut the baseballs with a plastic knife and fork. Call over a professional baseball card company photographer. Never mention you're doing this because it's hilarious that a guy sporting rainbows all over his clothes is eating balls. Ridicule the rookie incessantly when the card "comes out." Repeat each year until your career fizzles out.

Scott Eyre, 1994 Upper Deck Top Prospects

Jason Schmidt, 1994 Upper Deck Top Prospects

Name: Jason Schmidt
Team: Durham Bulls
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 14 clouds
Key 1993 stat: One gray undershirt that had started the season white
It's all a bit hazy: Despite the fact that Jason Schmidt is holding this baseball up against the camera lens, we still can't read what it says. Can you?

A) Unofficial penciled-in mustache
B) Official double-chin league
C) Offensive baseball language
D) Official Sinclair Lewis
E) Optical illusion liquor

Jason Schmidt, 1994 Upper Deck Top Prospects