Mel Bridgman, 1983-84 O-Pee-Chee (Another Hockey Week No. 2)

Name: Mel Bridgman
Team: New Jersey Devils
Position: Center
Value of card: Shaved ice
Key 1983-84 stat: No toothpaste needed
Presenting Mel Bridgman, by the numbers:

38: Assists in 1983-84
23: Goals in 1983-84
5: Teeth in 1983-84

$148,000: Amount Bridgman earned annually in the early '80s
$33,000: Amount Bridgman spent annually on housing in the early '80s
$12,000: Amount Bridgman spent annually on creamed corn and oatmeal in the early '80s

18:58: Bridgman's minutes on ice per game
1:53: Bridgman's penalty minutes per game
1:46: Minutes the dentist needed to give Bridgman a full checkup per visit

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Mel Bridgman, 1983-84 O-Pee-Chee (Another Hockey Week No. 2)

Juan Berenguer, 1992 Topps

Name: Juan Berenguer
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: It's laughable
Key 1991 stat: 212 hours spent laughing
It's time for a hilarious pop quiz:

What's so funny, Juan Berenguer?

(A) "That guy just spent 10 minutes trying to pronounce my name."
(B) "Have you ever heard the 'Juan on, Juan out' joke? Hilarious."
(C) "This mustache is so ticklish!"
(D) "Nothing's funny; just showing off my teeth."
(E) All of the above.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp.

Juan Berenguer, 1992 Topps

Bob James, 1987 Donruss

Name: Bob James
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Sweaty pitcher
Value of card: Two first names, zero hygiene
Key 1986 stat: Named baseball's swarthiest player for a second year running
Top 10 places you might see Bob James, other than the baseball park:

10) Hitching a ride inside a railroad boxcar
9) Asleep at the neighborhood park
8) Selling his hair grease for booze money
7) Not at the dentist's office
6) Rummaging through your garbage cans
5) Out with your crazy aunt
4) Aboard the subway, with a car all to himself
3) On the street, dining on four varieties of cat food
2) At the pet store, smuggling out mice in his beard
1) Being tormented by his inner demons (and the Bust)

Bob James, 1987 Donruss

Andy McGaffigan, 1988 Topps

Name: Andy McGaffigan
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Being an Expos fan watching the Nationals win the NL East
Key 1987 stat: Zero splinters from the fake wood paneling behind him
Andy McGaffigan      the good, the bad and the ugly:

Good: Spiffy 3.38 career ERA; a mustache that Sam Elliott would be proud of
Bad: Bouncing around between six teams in 11 years; not having teeth
Ugly: Well, just look at the poor bastard

Andy McGaffigan, 1988 Topps

William Perry, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 1)

Name: William "The Refrigerator" Perry
Team: Chicago Bears
Positions: Defensive live, bowling ball
Value of card: One pair of Zubaz pants stretched out beyond all possible use
Key 1990 stat: Three missing teeth
The first of a season's worth of Shameful Sunday Portraits: Summer will soon turn to autumn, the leaves will fall, the air will become crisp, and hulking men in skin-tight uniforms will hurl their bodies at one another at breakneck speed with little regard for personal safety. Ah, yes, pro football is back, and we're commemorating what's sure to be a legendary season with a not-so-legendary Shameful Sunday Portrait for each week that goes by. So, enjoy these manly men every Sunday for the next 20 or so weeks. You can thank us later for the fashion tips.
10 kitchen-related nicknames the Fridge used:
10) The Garbage Disposal, for his stomach
9) The Kitchen Sink, for the only thing he wasn't going to eat for lunch but then did eat for lunch
8) The Sausages, for his fingers
7) The Dishwasher, for his wife
6) The Toaster, for when he trapped his wife under the sheets after passing gas
5) The Zubaz, for his Zubaz
4) The pot, for marijuana
3) The Ice Tray with a Few Missing Cubes, for his teeth
2) The Stocked Cupboard, for his gut
1) Da Udda Fridge, for his refrigerator

William Perry, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 1)