Dave Smith, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Dave Smith
Team: Houston Astros, allegedly
Position: None
Value of card: Considering it's about as rare as Dave Smith's name, not much
Key 1988 stat: Wasn't actually a professional athlete
The Legend of "Dave Smith": 1989 was Upper Deck's first year producing baseball cards, so mistakes were bound to happen. So it was that Houston Astros superfan Brian Keane ended up in the set      albeit under an alias. Keane, who had won a team contest earning him the right to sit in the Astros dugout for a spring training game, had never played an inning of baseball in his life. The Upper Deck photography team didn't know that, however. By the time the photog got to the dugout, Keane had already donned an Astros warmup jacket over his gray T-shirt. Fooled by the coat and Keane's MLB-quality mullet, the photog got some shots      of course, when it came time to match names to faces, one "player" seemed out of place. Rather than leave the man out of the set, Upper Deck workers slapped on the most generic name they could think of: Dave Smith. Keane still keeps both the card and the mullet framed in his office.

Dave Smith, 1989 Upper Deck

Mike Tyson, 1974 Topps

Name: Mike Tyson
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Positions: Shortstop, super featherweight
Value of card: Two bloody mouthpieces
Key 1973 stat: One more home run than we hit that year
Fun facts about Mike Tyson the shortstop and "Iron" Mike Tyson the boxer:

• Iron Mike was one of the most intimidating figures in his sport. Baseball Mike couldn't even intimidate the bat boys.
• Iron Mike had a video game named after him. Baseball Mike had a bowl of soup named after him.
• Iron Mike had a cameo in the film "The Hangover." Baseball Mike was a late-inning replacement in several games that he showed up to hung over.
• Iron Mike once bit off part of another fighter's ear. Baseball Mike had his mother cut his meat for him until he was 15.
• Iron Mike has a checkered history with women, to say the least, including three marriages, allegations of domestic abuse and a rape conviction. Baseball Mike is still working up the courage to talk to that cute waitress at the Denny's.

Mike Tyson, 1974 Topps

Kenny Rogers, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: Kenneth Scott "Kenny" Rogers
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Getting lost in those baby blue eyes
Key 1993 stat: Never once sang "The Gambler"
It's a Matchup, in name only: Let's see how Rangers pitcher Kenny Rogers matches up with legendary country singer Kenny Rogers.

Round 1: Flowing mullet (Winner: Baseball Kenny)
Round 2: Soft, magnificent beard (Winner: Singer Kenny)
Round 3: Chain of delicious, convenient chicken restaurants (Winner: Singer Kenny)
Round 4: Ladies seduced with just a look (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Pitched a perfect game (Winner: Baseball Kenny)
Round 6: Sneaked a peak at Dolly Parton's monumental bosom (Winner: Singer Kenny)
Round 7: 2-to-1 eyebrow to eye size ratio (Winner: Baseball Kenny)
Round 8: Gorgeous penmanship (Winner: Baseball Kenny)

Final score: Baseball Kenny Rogers 4, Singer Kenny Rogers 3 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: Baseball Kenny was far from perfect early, but used a late crescendo to drown out the dulcet tones of his musical counterpart, whose cause was hurt by the fact that his tasty poultry eatery is now only open in Asia. Come back, Kenny!

Kenny Rogers, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Buster Rhymes, 1986 Topps (Football Friday No. 144)

Name: Buster Rhymes
Team: Minnesota Vikings
Positions: Wide receiver, kick returner
Value of card: Rhymes with "lack spit"
Key 1986 stat: Can't spell "Buster" without "Bust"
Top R&B hits by part-time pro athlete Buster Rhymes:

• "Woo Hah!! Got Me on the Bench"
• "Pass the Gatorade (Part II)"
• "Turn it Over / Fire it Up"
• "(The Ball, I Never) Touch It"
• "What's it Gonna Be?! (An Incompletion)"

Buster Rhymes, 1986 Topps (Football Friday No. 144)

Michael Jackson, 1994 Skybox (Football Friday No. 132)

Name: Michael Jackson
Team: Cleveland Browns
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: The same as Jackson's visor, cracked down the middle
Key 1994 stat: 15,933 groin touches through hand warmer
Michael Jackson's "Bad," rewritten for this Michael Jackson: 
Your coverage is fine, can't fake you right / Gonna drop this pass in broad daylight
I'm telling you, I've got no wheels / Gonna hurt fans' minds; please don't shoot to kill
Gonna run my route on the count of three / Throw me the ball, and it's incomplete
I'm telling you, I've got bad hands / My coach is pissed, says I should be canned

Well they say the sky's the limit
But for me that's just not true
Browns fans you ain't seen nothing
Gonna really make you boo

Because I'm bad, I'm bad, come on
You know I'm bad, I'm bad, don't throw it
You know I'm bad, I'm bad, come on
And the QB is yelling at me right now
Just to tell me once again, I'm bad

Card courtesy of FatShawnKemp.com

Michael Jackson, 1994 Skybox (Football Friday No. 132)

Charles Daniels, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 1)

Name: Charles "Charlie" Daniels
Event: Swimming
Medal count: 5 gold, 1 silver, 2 bronze
Value of card: Soggy cardboard
Key 1904 stat: 2 inches of shrinkage
USA! USA!: Welcome to Baseball Card Bust's first (and likely only) Summer Olympics Special. For the next two weeks, when you're not glued to the TV, watching men in Speedos get soaking wet and teenage girls in leotards flying through the air, you can find some of America's greatest athletic heroes needlessly being mocked right here on this page. Now, we're not anti-American       quite the opposite. It's just that we couldn't find any East Germany or Soviet Union Olympic Cards to ridicule instead. Let's get started!

Fun fact that we may have made up: After being ridiculed for this photo, Charles Daniels grew a long beard, took up the fiddle and wrote a song about the devil paying a visit to the state of Georgia.

His eyes are up here, buddy: There it is, plain as day. Right there, for the whole Olympiad to see. You know you're looking at it. Why can't you stop? Does it intimidate you? Are you mesmerized by the way it stands out, thanks to Mr. Daniels' sopping wet outfit? The worst part is, you know that after you leave this page, you'll still see it in your mind's eye. I mean, why would a swimmer have a foot with a winged sandal on his suit? Wait, what exactly were you looking at?

Charles Daniels, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 1)

Bobby Brown, 1982 Topps

Name: Bobby Brown
Teams: New York Yankees, MCA
Positions: Outfield, lead vocals
Value of card: 12 ounces of slime from "Ghostbusters II" set
Key 1981 stat: Two platinum records
10 things this card could lead you to say:
10) "Every Little Step" the photographer took was wrong
9) "Take It Slow" when you burn this card
8) This guy's hair looks like two diseased dogs "Humpin' Around"
7) ... and those teeth are the color of maca-"Roni"
6) "On Our Own" we could have taken a better photo
5) "Good Enough"? No chance
4) "Don't Be Cruel," keep this card to yourself
3) "Thug Lovin'" to do cocaine
2) "We're Back" to vomiting after looking at this guy
1) "My Prerogative": This card is garbage

Bobby Brown, 1982 Topps

Jim Morrison, 1982 Topps

Name: Jim Morrison
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Third base
Value of card: 3-pound collar
Key 1981 stat: Not very many hits, musical or otherwise
Name that tune: Which of these bastardized Doors songs best describes baseball player Jim Morrison?

A) Back Door Slider Man
B) The Soft Grounder Parade
C) Five to One, Yankees
D) The Unknown Benched Soldier
E) The End ... of the Inning

Jim Morrison, 1982 Topps