Kevin Mitchell, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Name: Kevin Mitchell
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: The plaque scraped off Mitchell's gold tooth
Key 1989 stat: One catch that proved Mitchell was a man's man
10 awesome things that make this illustration awesomely horrendous:
10) The turtleneck reaching up the neck and to the heavens
9) The "Three Musketeers" facial hair
8) The wrapping paper background
7) The Jackson Pollock border
6) The Chin of Chins
5) The rarely-seen-in-nature jheri-curl man mullet
4) The finest gold tooth in all of the greater Bay Area
3) Mini-Mitchell
2) Big Mitchell
1) Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell and Mitchell

Kevin Mitchell, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Kevin Mitchell, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Kevin Mitchell
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 11 crotch-ripped pairs of baseball pants
Key 1990 stat: Scotts Miracle-Gro-sponsored Best Batter's Backyard contest runner-up
Advice the Giants' strength and conditioning coach gave Mitchell in the 1991 offseason:

• "You need to stop gorging yourself on chili dogs in the weight room."
• "You shouldn't order more 100-pound plates for the squat rack." 
• "Mixing in a little upper-body work won't hurt ya, Mitch."
• "Yes, those pants make your butt look big. Any pants make your butt look big."

Post and card submitted by Jordan Elam

Kevin Mitchell, 1991 Upper Deck

Kevin Mitchell, 1990 Mother's Cookies Insert

Name: Kevin Mitchell
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A crumb in your shoe
Key 1989 stat: No fans, apparently
Cookie-cutter quiz: Hey, Kevin Mitchell, where is everybody?

A) "Huh? Oh crap, I'm supposed to be in Houston!"
B) "They're just impersonating A's fans today."
C) "Well, they were here, but then they saw Willie McGee's face and ran."
D) "They haven't been impressed with anything since I made that bare-handed grab."
E) "I dunno, your mom's house?"

Kevin Mitchell, 1990 Mother's Cookies Insert

Kevin Mitchell, 1988 Topps

Name: Kevin Mitchell
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Not enough to buy a song off iTunes
Key 1987 stat: Thugged it up, apparently
What the ...: We're not entirely sure what the deal is here, but Topps apparently airbrushed this photo to make Kevin Mitchell look like a rapper from the Dirty South. This got us thinking, if Mitchell did cut a CD with Lil Jon, what would some of the tracks be called?

10) "In Da Outfield"
9) "I Like Dem Ball Girlz"
8) "Power Sluggaz"
7) "Crunk Bat"
6) "Will Clark Ain't (expletive)"
5) "Don't Need No Glovez"
4) "Stealin Bases and Money"
3) "Shawty Can't Pitch"
2) "(Expletive) Da Umpires"
1) "Giantz of da ATL"

Kevin Mitchell, 1988 Topps

Kevin Mitchell, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 25)

Name: Kevin Mitchell
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfielder
Value of card: Knowing that eye black looks kind of like camouflage in black and white
Key 1990 stat: No barehanded catches
What does Kevin Mitchell stand for?

Known to shave with a baseball bat.
Eye black stayed on even at bedtime ...
Very few ladies appreciated it, though.
Instead of another wristband, he just gave up and wrapped gauze around his arm.
Not listening to a thing the Studio photog is saying.

Might be asleep in this photo, in fact.
Immersed in thought about the Thundercats.
Took his uni off before this shoot, then hurriedly put it back on again.
Criminal record shows he assaulted father, baseballs.
He caught the following things with one hand: fly balls, cabs, bullets
Eyes are open in this photo — we think.
Loathes wearing a cup — except to the grocery store.
Lbs. — he's put on a few since this shot.

Kevin Mitchell, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 25)

Kevin Mitchell, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Kevin Mitchell

Team: San Francisco Giants

Position: Outfield

Value of card: Sorry, it's too dark to read its value

Key 1991 stat: One bare-handed catch in left field

10 things you may not know about Kevin Mitchell, circa 1992

10) He was the pitchman for Vidal Sassoon's Paint-On Facial Hair.

9) He had the largest hand in the Western Hemisphere.

8) He always sat this way, but usually while holding a can of Colt 45.

7) He boiled down that necklace to replace his gold teeth with a platinum grill.

6) Underneath the windbreaker: mummy.

5) During this photo shoot, he was watching Will Clark shower.

4) No one dared mock him about his mock turtleneck.

3) He perspired Cool Water cologne.

2) The hat was superimposed; the darkness surrounding him is actually his afro.

1) Starred in B-movie: "The Blackest Man in Baseball."

Kevin Mitchell, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Keith and Kevin Mitchell, 1992 Upper Deck Bloodlines

Names: Keith Mitchell, Kevin Mitchell
Teams: Atlanta Braves, San Francisco Giants
Positions: Outfield
Value of card: Two vials of blood
Key 1991 stat: One shared at-bat
It's The Matchup, family style:

Round 1: Smallness (Winner, Keith)
Round 2: First out of the batter's box (Winner, Keith)
Round 3: Holding the wrong end of the bat (Winner, Keith)
Round 4: Ability to keep eyes open (Winner, Kevin)
Round 5: Teeth chipped on doughnuts, lifetime (Winner, Kevin)
Round 6: Ability to stay in the majors (Winner, Kevin)
Round 7: Hitting other cousin in the back with bat (Winner, Kevin)
Round 8: Creepiness of mustache (Winner, Keith)
Round 9: Who does grandma love more? (Winner, Keith)

Score: Keith 5, Kevin 4

Synopsis: After giving up a big early lead, the diminutive Keith Mitchell rallies back for a win, the only time he has ever outperformed his cousin.

Keith and Kevin Mitchell, 1992 Upper Deck Bloodlines

Kevin Mitchell, Ken Griffey Jr., Jay Buhner, 1993 Upper Deck Teammates

Names: Kevin Mitchell, Ken Griffey Jr., Jay Buhner
Teams: Seattle Mariners, Pacific Sock Exchange
Positions: Left, center and right field
Value of card: Five bats
Key 1992 stat: 490 socks exchanged
It's time for The Matchup, trio-style — 2 points for a win, 1 point for a tie:

Round 1: Number of bats (Winner: Tie between Mitchell and Buhner)
Round 2: Stockiness (Winner: Mitchell)
Round 3: Lack of expression (Winner: Griffey)
Round 4: Boyish pranks (Winner: Buhner)
Round 5: Socks (Winner: Inconclusive, as they're constantly being exchanged)
Round 6: Sleeves (Winner: Mitchell)
Round 7: Best use of metal suitcase (Winner: Griffey)
Round 8: Mock turtlenecks: (Winner: Tie between Mitchell and Buhner)
Round 9: Bulge (Winner: Mitchell)
Round 10: Having same name as father (Winner: Griffey)

Final score: Mitchell 8, Griffey 6, Buhner 4

Kevin Mitchell, Ken Griffey Jr., Jay Buhner, 1993 Upper Deck Teammates

Kevin Mitchell, 1987 Fleer Traded

Names: Kevin Mitchell, Kevin Mitchell

Teams: San Diego Padres, San Francisco Giants

Positions: Third base, left field

Value of card: Top half, 3 cents; bottom half, lint

Key 1987 stat: Two Mitchells, one (Bust) cup

Clone wars: Kevin Mitchell started 1987 on the Padres roster. He had a smooth swing, a bad attitude and two gold teeth. He spoke in the third person and wore more jewelry than Mr. T. His attitude, by most accounts, was hurting the Padres' camaraderie and playoff chances. So what did he do? No, he didn't ask for a trade at midseason, he played for two teams at once under the guise that he had cloned himself. "I told them suits, 'Kevin Mitchell made me another Kevin Mitchell,'" Kevin Mitchell told Sports Illustrated in 1990. "I stood next to a mirror in my house and took a picture. I shows it to 'em, and say, ' Ya see. Two Kevin Mitchells. It's too good to be true.'" Mitchell proceeded to sign his second self, which was really his first and only self, to a contract with the Giants. For a while, he flew from one game to another, sometimes missing a few innings or the last game of a road trip. But when the Giants and Padres played each other late in the season, Mitchell had to resort to Plan B: buy two gold teeth and ship them to a doppelganger with a similar attitude and a bit more power, but not much of an arm.

Kevin Mitchell, 1987 Fleer Traded

Will Clark and Kevin Mitchell, The Dynamic Duo, 1990 Fleer

Names: Will Clark, Kevin Mitchell
Team: San Francisco Giants
Positions: First base, outfield
Value of card: Three feet apart
Key 1989 stat: 73 goofy faces
Awkward team photos: The Dynamic Duo, indeed. Kevin Mitchell and Will Clark were so dynamic in 1989, they repelled each other like magnets. Here, the powerful pair have been asked to pose for a photo together by the crack Fleer photography team. "Get a little closer, guys," the photog asked them. "We can't," Clark informed him. "Watch." Clark and Mitchell then tried to bump chests, jumping in the air, only to be forced apart and come tumbling down on their backs. Stunned, the photographer asked, "Well, what's the closest you can get? Can you at least put your arms around each other?" "Well, kind of," Mitchell said. The photog readied his camera and captured this image. As you can see, the force of the Dynamic Duo's repulsion was so strong, the slightest touch forced Clark to make a creepy bedroom-eyes face and Mitchell's head to appear pasted in.

Will Clark and Kevin Mitchell, The Dynamic Duo, 1990 Fleer