Jose Cruz, 1985 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Name: Jose Cruz
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A shot of Jose (not Cuervo)
Key 1984 stat: 512 bones in face, apparently
A real looker: The fear struck into the hearts of men (and women) by Jose Cruz has been previously documented on this site. Even Dick Perez was so horrified that all he could come up with for a background was a purple square. Let's review: There's the soullessness of Jose's eyes, which can bore through any skull and see the deepest fears therein. There's the rapey gaze that makes people of all genders clench their legs shut even more quickly than when they hear the word "prolapse." And then there's the monobrow, which      well, actually, that monobrow is pretty funny. Imagine being Perez and painting that thing in. If he hadn't been so terrified by the rest of Cruz's face, it probably would have been the best moment of his Donruss career.

Jose Cruz, 1985 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Frank Tanana, 1987 Donruss

Name: Frank "The Tank" Tanana
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Even lower than modern-day Detroit property values
Key 1986 stat: One god-awful photo
Here we go: Fine work, Donruss photo team. That's fantastic. Look, we're not going to sit here and tell you that Frank Tanana was the world's most photogenic dude, but come on. This was the best picture you could choose? Let's run down the checklist of bad sports card photography. Camera positioned too close to the face? Check. Use of flash causing the subject to squint and creating the appearance of a sheen of sweat over his entire face? Check. Not asking the subject to tuck away his unwashed bangs or trim his unibrow? Check. Hey, I guess we should be grateful that you guys at least got him in focus, eh? Good job, fellas.

Frank Tanana, 1987 Donruss

Fred Roberts, 1989-90 NBA Hoops (Return of White Ballers Week No. 4)

Name: Fred Roberts
Team: Milwaukee Bucks
Position: Forward
Value of card: 99 cents off your next flat-top
Key 1989-90 stat: One eyebrow to rule them all
It's halftime of Return of White Ballers Week; here's a quiz: Fred Roberts played 13 seasons in the NBA, but what did he do after he hung up his sneakers?

A) He became a spokesman for the Unibrow Awareness Coalition
B) He joined the Marines, but only for the free haircuts
C) He lost a copyright lawsuit after starting his own television puppet show, "Mr. Roberts' Neighborhood"
D) He started taking part in male beauty pageants
E) He became a judge on TV hit "Top Chef"

Fred Roberts, 1989-90 NBA Hoops (Return of White Ballers Week No. 4)

Frank Zupo, 1958 Topps

Name: Frank Zupo
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 6 ounces of Zupo-brand chew spit
Key 1957 stat: 16 guys made to, hey-oh, you know, disappear
A pretty good fella: The feds were on Frankie Zupo's trail. He was a hardened gangster whose body count was one of the highest in New York, and he didn't hide from attention. But when he clipped a dirty copper, see, and he knew his time was up, see, he made a bold move, see: He changed his name ever so slightly, moved to Baltimore and started playing baseball. Surprisingly, some of his nicknames from his life of crime stayed with him between the diamond's lines.
A few of Zupo's nicknames:

• Frankie "The Brow" Zupo
• Frankie "The Monobrow Murderer" Zupo
• Frankie "Two Mustaches in the Wrong Place" Zupo
• Frankie "A Cat Died on My Face" Zupo
• "Spanky" Frankie Zupo

Frank Zupo, 1958 Topps

Gary Ward, 1986 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Name: Gary Ward
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A wadded-up tissue of unknown origin
Key 1985 stat: 14 shaving mishaps
Conversation between big Gary Ward and little Gary Ward, sometime after this frightening illustration was completed:

Little Gary Ward: "You knew it was photo day, right? Did you just choose not to even clean up the handlebars on that mustache?"
Big Gary Ward: "Oh, good, I'm catching insults from a guy with a clubfoot."
LGW: "Nice smile, by the way. Or are you just mouth-breathing? It's hard to tell."
BGW: "I'm getting ready to bite your little head off, pipsqueak.
LGW: "You don't scare me. But your unibrow does."
BGW: "Man, shut up! I don't have a unibrow. It's just that this damned artist can't seem to draw facial hair of any kind. I mean, look at you! You don't even have handlebars on your 'stache, and we're supposed to be the same person!"
LGW: "... You know what? You're right. I'm sorry Big Gary. We should be working together, not picking each other apart. Can you forgive me?"
BGW: "You got it, Little Gary. Come over here and give me a hug." (Bites off Little Gary's head) "Heh. Sucker."

Gary Ward, 1986 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Jeff Jones, 1985 Topps

Name: Jeff Jones
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Three pieces of fake cheese from mousetraps with dead mice in them
Key 1984 stat: 26 pounds of yellow jerseys in wardrobe
Jeff Jones was a great student; here are some of the things he got A's in:

• Sleeping upright 101
• Pitching without a ball (lab)
• Beginner's cloud floating
• Fashion merchandising
• Cannabis sativa studies
• Mustaches for the modern caveman: An in-depth look
• Butt chin theory
• Upper-division unkempt hair
• Duhhhh photography II
• Advanced unibrow

Jeff Jones, 1985 Topps

Wally Moon, 1960 Topps

Name: Wally Moon
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Six pieces of green cheese
Key 1959 stat: Zero people on the planet — or its only naturally orbiting satellite — with the same name
10 things just discovered on the Moon:
10) Pine-tar deodorant
9) Piercing blue eyes that once stared a hole through a steel beam
8) An Adam's apple so big it has a face
7) Acne craters
6) An expression of displeasure
5) A hat that was sat on by a horse for 18 hours
4) Jagged features that broke razors in half
3) A baggy jersey and pants that would make an early 1990s Compton gangster blush
2) Dengue fever
1) The most legendary unibrow in baseball history

Wally Moon, 1960 Topps

Will Clark, Rafael Palmerio, 1989 Fleer Superstars

Names: Will Clark and Rafael Palmeiro
Teams: San Francisco Giants and Chicago Cubs
Positions: First base and outfield
Value of card: Half the food in Palmeiro's mustache
Key 1988 stat: Zero congressional hearings
Two players, one Bust cup: It's time for an All-Star Matchup!

Round 1: Refusal to shave face or space between eyebrows that day (Winner: Clark)
Round 2: $5 mesh jersey with a giant Cubs sticker on it (Winner: Palmeiro)
Round 3: Mustache resembling a Rorschach inkblot (Winner: Palmeiro)
Round 4: Later shared a locker room with Barry Bonds (Winner: Clark)
Round 5: Later shared "supplements" with Barry Bonds (Winner: Palmeiro)
Round 6: Getting a bigger kick out of touching chests in this photo (Winner: Clark)
Round 7: Luxurious, dark-as-midnight mullet (Winner: Palmeiro)
Round 8: Wearing a T-shirt that's been washed 13,966 times (Winner: Clark)
Round 9: Looks better in a suit (Winner: Palmeiro)

Final score: Palmeiro 5, Clark 4

Synopsis: No lies here, folks     Rafael Palmeiro has tested positive for victory. Will Clark will have to take solace in the fact that at least he's not one of baseball's all-time scumbags.

Will Clark, Rafael Palmerio, 1989 Fleer Superstars

Tom Candiotti, 1989 Fleer

Name: Tom Candiotti
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Three pieces of hard "Candi" (barf sounds)
Key 1988 stat: 4,390 children frightened
10 nicknames coined for Tom Candiotti after this card's release:
10) Tommy Eyebrows
9) The (Sour) Candi Man
8) King of Piss-Poor Lighting
7) The Mediocre Mizuno Menace
6) Ol' Greasy Afro
5) The Sinister Indian
4) Cleveland's Creep
3) "That Scary Guy Down the Block"
2) A Human Replica of the Racist Cleveland Indians' Mascot
1) The Shadow

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Tom Candiotti, 1989 Fleer

Todd Hundley, 1997 Fleer Team Leaders

Name: Todd Hundley
Team: New York Mets
Position: Catcher
Value of card: A rusty pair of scissors
Key 1996 stat: Only half his jersey buttons buttoned
Unfortunate moments in card design: It's hard to tell it here, but there's no actual white border to the left of Todd Hundley's face. Yes, the 1997 Fleer Team Leaders cards went beyond Photoshop cutouts      they were actual cutouts. You, too, could rub your fingers along Mr. Hundley's masculine cheeks and eyebrows! So, knowing that, here are a few things we can take away from this about this catcher's mug:

• His face was craggier than Mount Rushmore.
• His 'brows could have used a little work. OK, a lot of work.
• His cheekbones could have sliced through diamonds.
• The left third of his hat was either missing or dead.

Todd Hundley, 1997 Fleer Team Leaders

Tom Candiotti, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 50)

Name: Tom Candiotti
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 26 eyelashes plucked from face
Key 1990 stat: 12 mph knuckleball
Tom Candiotti is known for his knuckleball; 10 other things he's known for:
10) Bad special effects of a fake knuckleball on a mediocre baseball card
9) Those fabulous bangs
8) His sad addiction to grandma candy, thus his nickname: Hard Candi Man
7) One-handed gang signs, cuz
6) His middle name: Caesar (true)
5) Wearing an Indians uniform despite playing for the Blue Jays
4) The No. 1 unibrow in the American League
3) His prowess among the pins as a bowler
2) Contra Costa County bloody knuckles champion, 1986
1) Penis hat hair

Tom Candiotti, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 50)

Sammy Stewart, 1988 Donruss

Name: Sammy Stewart
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 1 cent for every cavity
Key 1987 stat: Two tickets to paradise
It's time for a self-reflective pop quiz:

Hey, Sammy, why are you so happy?

(A) "Gee, I just got back from the barber and I love my matching unibrow and mustache."
(B) "I'm trying to look like the Indians' racially insensitive mascot. Thanks for asking, though."
(C) "You won't believe how much fried chicken I just ate. Yum, there's still some in my teeth."
(D) "I'm unaware of the tragic, disgusting turn my life will take in about two years! Yeah!"
(E) "With a name like 'Sammy Stewart,' you just gots to smile!"
(F) All of the above.

Sammy Stewart, 1988 Donruss

Jack Clark, 2002 Upper Deck Decade 1970s

Name: Jack Clark
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A fly in the mouth
Key 2002 stat: Regret, after seeing this card
Top 10 nicknames for Jack Clark's 1977 monobrow:
10)  The Ladykiller
9) Eyeblack
8) The Fur Finger
7) Sunglasses
6) The Face Jacket
5) The Headband
4) The Hair Extension
3) Nonstop Excitement
2) Wiggly
1) The Eye Mustache

Jack Clark, 2002 Upper Deck Decade 1970s

Jeff King, 1993 Studio

Name: Jeff King
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Third base
Value of card: Arr, a pirate's booty (a poor, drunken pirate's rear end; not treasure)
Key 1992 stat: Zero mirrors used while shaving
10 things Jeff was the king of in 1993:
10) Mock turtlenecks that didn't quite fit right
9) Fourth-grade bangs
8) Major League Baseball unibrows
7) Rusty razors
6) Awkward baseball card poses
5) Button noses
4) Classless stubble
3) Ratty handlebar mustaches
2) Looking like the Pirates mascot
1) Smelling like a pirate

Jeff King, 1993 Studio

Dustin Hermanson, 1995 Upper Deck Star Rookie

Name: Dustin H_____son

Team: San Diego Padres

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: One "Electric Diamond" (Worthless x 1.5 = Worthless.5)

Key 1994 stat: Size 9 1/2 head

San Diego Padres' scouting report on "Sta_ R___ie" Dustin Hermanson: "Massive head, which blocks everything in its path, including hyperbolic baseball card labels. ... If Hermanson fails, monobrow may have a future in organization. ... Need to keep an eye on his candy addiction. ... Collar could one day mature into a mock turtleneck; with luck, a full turtleneck. ... Looks good plastered against a sea of blue, despite sophomoric facial hair."

Dustin Hermanson, 1995 Upper Deck Star Rookie

Ron Gardenhire, Terry Leach, Tim Leary, 1983 Topps

Names: Ron Gardenhire, Terry Leach, Tim Leary
Team: New York Mets
Positions: Shortstop, pitcher, pitcher
Value of card: One broken stink bomb
Key 1982 stat: Zero team haircuts
A Matchup of "future stars":

Round 1: Presentability (Winner: Nobody)
Round 2: Dumbest look on face (Winner: Leary, barely)
Round 3: Worst attempt at a mustache (Winner: Gardenhire)
Round 4: Handlebars (Winner: Leach)
Round 5: Resemblance to a caveman (Winner: Leary)
Round 6: Worst haircut (Winner: Tie, all three)
Round 7: Future in baseball (Winner: Gardenhire, as a manager)
Round 8: Future as an actor (Winner: Timothy Leary)
Round 9: Monobrow (Winner: Leary)
Round 10: Biggest joke on the card (Winner: The idea of the 1983 Mets having "stars")

Score: Leary 4, Gardenhire 2, Leach 1 (Ties: 2)

Synopsis: These dudes are ugly.

Ron Gardenhire, Terry Leach, Tim Leary, 1983 Topps

Brian Barber, Marc Kroon, Marc Valdes, Don Wengert, 1996 Topps

Names: Brian Barber, Marc Kroon, Marc Valdes, Don Wengert
Teams: St. Louis Cardinals, San Diego Padres, Florida Marlins, Oakland A's
Positions: Pitchers, one and all
Value of card: Failure x 4
Key 1995 stat: An ounce of talent between them
"Prospects" is a loose term: This card is a Mt. Rushmore of suck. A four-way Matchup has never been done at the Bust, but these guys are begging to be mocked, round by round.

Round 1: Monobrow (Winner: Wengert, in a runaway)
Round 2: Major league ERA under 6 (Winner: Valdes)
Round 3: Inability to spell "Mark" (Winner: Tie, Kroon and Valdes)
Round 4: Resemblance to Steve Buscemi (Winner: Barber)
Round 5: Resemblance to Marsellus Wallace in "Pulp Fiction" (Winner: Kroon)
Round 6: Resemblance to a caveman (Winner: Wengert)
Round 7: Fantasy baseball ownership, all time (Winner: Nobody)
Round 8: Facial hair (Winner: Barber)
Round 9: Teal (Winner: Valdes)
Round 10: Photo taken at a college party (Winner: Barber)

Career win totals Score: Barber 3, Valdes 2.5, Wengert 2, Kroon 1.5

Synopsis: As usual, none of these four stands out. But since somebody has to win from this collage of crappiness, we'll go ahead and give it to the dude who doesn't look like he's constipated.

Brian Barber, Marc Kroon, Marc Valdes, Don Wengert, 1996 Topps

Luis Sojo, 1990 Topps

Name: Luis Sojo

Team: Toronto Blue Jays

Position: Utility infielder

Value of card: Value, as beauty, is in the eye of the beholder

Key 1989 stat: 1,652 women seduced

Sojo's mojo: Most players make it to the big leagues because of their on-the-field skills. A few make it because of their swagger. One man made it because of his looks. That man: Luis Sojo, utility infielder and casanova. Sojo left his family and 67 wives in Venezuela to come north to Toronto, Canada's City of Romance. The Blue Jays needed power, speed and defensive sure-handedness. Sojo had none of those things, but he did have a monobrow, manicured mustache and greasy hair peeking out from beneath his ill-fitting hat. Within days in Toronto, his massive head adorned billboards. Women immigrated to Canada just to catch a glimpse of the man they called "El Guapo." He couldn't hit worth a lick, but a wiggle of his ears caused capacity crowds to faint. The Blue Jays' attendance went up, bedroom trysts went down, and Sojo stayed even, hitting .225 on the field and .775 with the ladies.

Luis Sojo, 1990 Topps

Bobby Jones, 1993 Topps Coming Attractions

Name: Bobby Jones
Team: New York Mets
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 99-cent rental at Blockbuster Video
Key 1992 stat: More strikeouts with girls than on the mound
Mets 1992 scouting report on Bobby Jones: "It's a good thing he can pitch, because he sucks at golf. ... In high school, reportedly ate his weight in popcorn shrimp at Red Lobster. ... Calls his fastball 'The Hairy Mother,' then laughs maniacally. May need some counseling. ... Among his hobbies: avid stamp collector, plays fantasy sports, eats deep-fried candy bars at the county fair. ... Claims to have invented the 10-seam fastball. ... Once got kicked out of a game for calling the home plate umpire 'mommy.' ... Smells vaguely of root beer. ... Plus fastball, plus changeup, plus-plus monobrow."

Bobby Jones, 1993 Topps Coming Attractions

Joe DeSa, 1986 Topps

Name: Joe "El Tigre" DeSa

Teams: Chicago White Sox, Sinaloa Cartel

Positions: First base, drug kingpin

Value of card: 1 kilo

Key 1985 stat: 347 gangland killings ordered

The boss of bosses: In the early 1980s, Jose "El Tigre" DeSa ruled much of Mexico with an iron fist ... an iron fist of blood. He was responsible for nearly a third of all the cocaine that flooded across the U.S. border and ordered hundreds of killings with his trademark "sign of death," a stroke of his mustache. He was worth millions and had more power than the president, but the law was fast approaching. El Tigre, who earned the nickname because his mustache and eyebrows looked like tiger stripes, knew he needed to transform his life or he would rot in jail for decades. After a midmorning meal, El Tigre saw his children playing catch in a field on his ranch. At that moment he knew: His new life would be baseball.

A regular Joe: Jose "El Tigre" DeSa's first order of business was drastically changing his name to something unrecognizable. He became Joe "El Tigre" DeSa, a first baseman with a monobrow as wicked as his taste for blood. He had trouble finding a team until he sliced out the kidney of the White Sox's director of scouting. From there, drug runs turned into home runs, kilos became singles, triple-murders turned into triples and, yes, hits became hits.

Joe DeSa, 1986 Topps