Patrick Ewing, 1997 Sports Illustrated for Kids (Halloween Special 2014)

Name: Patrick Ewing
Team: New York Ticks
Positions: Center, monster
Value of card: One bolt in the neck
Key 1997-98 splat: 26 games played
Happy Halloween from the Bust. Here are a few things that Patrick Ewing and the Knicks have in common with Frankenstein:

• Frankenstein's monster shuffled around slowly when walking. Sounds like Patrick Ewing in the late '90s to us.
• Frankenstein's monster was sewn together using parts from stolen from corpses. We're pretty sure Ewing's knees have a similar story.
• "Young Frankenstein" is pretty funny, but not as funny as New York Knicks basketball.
• "Frankenstein" is a horror story, but if you want to scare a Knicks fan, just tell them Isaiah Thomas is taking over as GM again.

Patrick Ewing, 1997 Sports Illustrated for Kids (Halloween Special 2014)

Wayne Twitchell, 1979 Topps

Name: Wayne Twitchell
Team: Montreal Expos
Positions: Pitcher, child of the night
Value of card: One drop of blood on your new shirt
Key 1978 stat: Two sharp fangs
It's a Canadian Caption, which possibly ran in the Montreal Gazette circa 1979: "Expos pitcher and known vampire Wayne Twitchell attempts to shield his eyes from the sun shortly before turning to dust after mistakenly taking the field during daylight hours at spring training Tuesday in Daytona Beach, Fla. Twitchell, who had been undead since the early 15th century, ventured outside Tuesday morning after mishearing a conversation about bloody marys, only to be destroyed by the harsh light of day."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Wayne Twitchell, 1979 Topps

Gary Carter, 1989 Bowman (Fan Appreciation Week No. 5)

Name: Gary Carter
Team: New York Mets
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Abject terror
Key 1988 stat: 138 runners tagged out after petrifying them with the above glare
Holy jeebus: Dear lord, run away, Ryne Sandberg! Who cares if you go out of the baseline      Gary Carter is turning into some sort of hellbeast right before our very eyes! He means to wrap our bodies in catcher's pads made of fire and then eat our souls! Fly, you fools!

Card submitted by Walt Lindberg

Gary Carter, 1989 Bowman (Fan Appreciation Week No. 5)

Mark Carrier, 1992 Skybox (Football Friday No. 184)

Name: Mark Carrier
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Safety
Value of card: One rusty rivet
Key 1992 stat: Always wore gloves
10 strange things about this Mark Carrier card:

10) It was made, even though no one wanted it.
9) It was also made into a poster that no one wanted.
8) Mark Carrier's pants
7) Apparently, there is some sort of misty orange lake near the Sears Tower.
6) Apparently, Mark Carrier can stand atop said lake.
5) That plane is about to fall off that ship, but does Mark Carrier care? Nooooo.
4) Mark Carrier's gloves
3) Carrier appears to be lugging a spare jersey around with him, just in case.
2) He's got a towel tucked into his belt like some sort of helmet-carrying bartender.
1) There is clearly room for at least five more patches on that jacket. Get to work, Mark!

Mark Carrier, 1992 Skybox (Football Friday No. 184)

Randall Cunningham, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 7)

Name: Randall Cunningham, aka "Rocket Man"
Team: Fear-adelphia Eagles
Positions: Quarterback, shooting high through the air
Value of card: 11 dead birds (rotting ones)
Key 1993 splat: Zero completions with a metal football
Fun facts about Elton "Rocket Man" John and Randall "Rocket Man" Cunningham:

• "Rocket Man" Elton was a performer who wore flamboyant clothes made especially for him. "Rocket Man" Randall was a performer who wore flamboyant clothes made exclusively from trash.
• "Rocket Man" Elton has more than 40 top-10 hits. "Rocket Man" Randall has sustained more than his share of hits.
• "Rocket Man" Elton is known for songs including "Candle in the Wind" and "Bennie and the Jets." "Rocket Man" Randall is known for breaking wind and beating the Jets.
• "Rocket Man" Elton is an award-winning singer, songwriter, pianist and composer with English roots. "Rocket Man" Randall speaks English.
• "Rocket Man" Elton's ostentatious outfits included wide-brimmed hats and high-heeled shoes. "Rocket Man" Randall's above outfit includes a garbage-can hat and one shoe that doubled as an iron lung.

Randall Cunningham, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 7)

Cornelius Bennett, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 6)

Name: Cornelius Bennett, aka "Big Bear"
Team: Boo-falo Bills
Positions: Linebacker, catching salmon in a river
Value of card: 62 pounds of fish guts
Key 1993 splat: 10 6-inch fingernails
Questionable content: Let's get this straight. Here we have Cornelius Bennett, famed Buffalo Bills linebacker, masquerading as "Big Bear." Let's repeat that: A Buffalo player is dressed like a bear. Wouldn't it make a little bit more sense to have a Chicago Bears player dressed as "Big Bear"? What's next, Mike Singletary dresses up as "Blitzing Buffalo"? But, given the quality of this get-up, it really doesn't matter. Bennett looks more like a buffalo than a bear, anyway. That dangling hair. Those long, pointy nails. That beard. Oh, wait, Bennett doesn't look like a buffalo or a bear, he looks like a hairy guy named Bill who has eaten too many bear claws. Solid execution, Coca-Cola. Your lack of attention to detail is, once again, frightening.

Cornelius Bennett, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 6)

Marco Coleman, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 5)

Name: Marco Coleman, aka "Cobra"
Team: Miami Dol-skins
Positions: Defensive end, slithering on his stomach
Value of card: Two snake hands, despite, of course, snakes not having hands
Key 1993 splat: 2,819 scales (he weighs himself a lot)
"Cobra" Coleman describes fellow members of Cobra Command:

Cobra Commander: "Fun guy. Great on the barbecue. Once made this stuffed pork loin. Delish. I did prefer the helmet to the hood. And around the ladies, the guy was a bit of a snake."

Destro: "This guy, he has a steely resolve. His meddle: unquestionable. He has an iron will. A platinum-level human being, no doubt. And his head looks like an aluminum beer can."

Baroness: "Ooh, baby. Let me tell you something, son. This chica is on fire. She has body karate — and real karate. Word on the street is she and Destro got something going on. Well they didn't last night, playa."

Doctor Mindbender: "Egghead. Dork. Nerd. Dweeb. Geek. Goober."

Storm Shadow: "He may be a ninja, but that hooded uniform he started wearing veered a bit too close to a certain triple-letter group, if you know what I mean."

Marco Coleman, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 5)

John Randle, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 4)

Name: John Randle, aka "Runaway Train"
Team: Minnesota Spikings
Positions: Defensive line, locomotive
Value of card: A lump of coal in the caboose
Key 1994 splat: Went around making "choo-choo" noises even when not wearing the costume
The first two verses of Soul Asylum's "Runaway Train," tailored in honor of this absurd card and the great John Randle:

Call me up in the middle of the night / Want me to wear a helmet with a light
I got there with my anger burning / There's some fools who could use a little learning

So much makeup that I couldn't even see / What the hell are they putting on me?
Iron pads with rivets in the seams / A metal boot that's shooting out some steam

It seems no one can help me now / Can't turn my head / There's no way out
I really want to punch someone in the face

Runaway Train, gonna make a sack / Gonna break this makeup artist's back
Seems like I should be better than this / Instead my hat is spewing out some mist

Now this guy is telling me to smile / He's telling me I should relax for a while
He can't hear me through this facemask / I'm telling him I'm gonna kick his ass

Oh no! Tin gloves that are yellow! / I know my temper's gonna blow
Here I come just to dole out some pain / How dare you laugh at this Runaway Train

Metal shavings in my eye / I hate this day / I want to die
Gears glued on my head? I just can't believe it

Runaway Train, gonna make a sack / Gonna break this photographer's back
Seems like I should be better than this / Instead my hat is spewing out some mist

John Randle, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 4)

Hardy Nickerson, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 3)

Name: Hardy Nickerson, aka "Hyena"
Team: Tampa Slay Buccaneers
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: Fleas
Key 1994 splat: Watched "The Lion King" 32 times in preparation for this shoot
Fun facts about Hardy "Hyena" Nickerson and real hyenas:

• Hyenas are primarily nocturnal animals, but may leave their lairs in the early morning. Nickerson was also primarily nocturnal, though he rarely left his "lair," also known as his parents' basement.
• Hyenas have a reputation for scavenging food that has been killed by other animals. Nickerson had a reputation for stealing his teammates' lunches from the fridge.
• Some hyena traits are similar to those of dogs, while others are more cat-like. Nickerson definitely looks more like a puss in this photo.
• Hyenas groom themselves often and have a cat-like way of licking their genitals. Nickerson rarely groomed himself, but did try repeatedly to accomplish the other thing.
• Hyenas are known for their calls that sound like human laughter. Nickerson heard plenty of laughter from many humans after this card came out.

Hardy Nickerson, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 3)

Junior Seau, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 2)

Name: Junior Seau, aka "Stealth"
Team: San Diego Charred-gers
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: One picture of a stealth bomber, torn in two
Key 1994 splat: 19-pound belt buckle
Ways in which Junior "Stealth" Seau was not very stealthy:

• All that metal plate clanged a lot when he moved.
• That blue face paint may have been stealthy, but his biceps weren't camouflaged at all!
• Those shiny gold arm guards could be seen from miles away.
• His number was clearly visible. It's like he wasn't even trying!
• That pointy helmet would likely just end up poking somebody as he walked by.
• He was too proud of his flatulence to ever really enter stealth mode.

Junior Seau, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 2)

Ray Childress, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 1)

Name: Ray Childress, aka "Scarecrow"
Team: Boo-ston Oilers
Positions: Defensive line, out standing in his field
Value of card: Burned straw
Key 1994 splat: First time holding a pitchfork
Don't be scared: Welcome back, fright fans, to the greatest Bust tradition      no, not running the same old jokes into the ground, that's just our oldest tradition. Our greatest tradition is our annual Halloween Week, in which we feature seven of the spookiest sports cards ever printed and then run the same old jokes into the ground. Fair warning, though: This week will feature the last of the 1994 Monsters of the Gridiron cards, meaning Halloween Week may soon be in its grave. Now that's a scary thought.

Ray Childress's train of thought (if he only had a brain) from 4:10 to 4:12 p.m., June 4, 1994: "God, this is dumb. I mean, sure, the mask nearly made me soil myself the first time I saw it, but the rest of this outfit is terrible! Why are there birds on me? I thought scarecrows were supposed to keep birds away from the crops! Ugh, great, now this straw is starting to itch. Maybe if I use this fake pitchfork to scratch myself      NOPE! THAT'S A REAL PITCHFORK! OWWW! Lord, I need a cigarette." (Pulls out cigarette and lights a match) "Aaannnd I'm on fire. What did you do, Ray? OK, stop, drop and roll, baby, stop, drop and roll. There, it's out, thank God. The only thing dumber than lighting that match was agreeing to this stupid photo shoot in the first place."

Ray Childress, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 1)

Tom Banks, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 171)

Name: Tom Banks
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Center
Value of card: One voided check from Tom's bank
Key 1977 stat: Four families of birds nested in his beard and mane
The legend behind this Tom Banks card: It was May 1977, and the Topps photography staff was scrambling. With its annual set due out in less than a month, the quality control team had realized there was no card for St. Louis Cardinals all-pro center Tom Banks. Apparently, the only photos Topps had of Banks featured quarterback Jim Hart's hands nestled comfortably against the center's nether regions. Rather than ruin Topps' reputation for high-quality, kid-friendly photography, an executive decision was made: The staff's best airbrush artist melded a photo of Santa Claus' torso with a grainy shot purportedly showing bigfoot's head, and then placed the creation on a slate gray background. Crisis averted      chalk up another victory for Topps.

Tom Banks, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 171)

Steve Atwater, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 7)

Name: Steve "The Bandit" Atwater
Team: Denver Bron-crones
Position: Defensive back
Fright value of card: Two finger guns, neither pointed at you
Key 1994 splat: More blue fringe than has ever been necessary
Closing another week of terror: Here we are, four days after Halloween, which means the kids have all gotten over their stomach aches and the costumes have all been pushed to the back of the closet, never to be worn again. Let's celebrate with one more horrific example of mid-1990s sports cards, shall we?

What segment of the population is most frightened by this card?

A) Children
B) Actual cowboys
C) Broncos fans
D) Steve Atwater's family
E) The editors of InStyle magazine

Steve Atwater, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 7)

Bruce Armstrong, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 6)

Name: Bruce Armstrong, aka "The Piledriver"
Team: Boo Eekland Patriots
Position: Offensive tackle
Fright value of card: A mixed metaphor
Key 1994 splat: One copyright infringement lawsuit from the creators of "Edward Scissorhands"
Top 10 questions we're left with after viewing this abomination:

10) If he's The Piledriver, why does he have clamps for hands?
9) Isn't the Piledriver a move invented and used by Ron Jeremy?
8) If his abdomen is animatronic and exposed, why is his crotch so massive?
7) Why isn't the exposed part of his left leg also covered with toxic silver paint?
6) Are those lights on his head, or plastic cups left over from beer pong?
5) Why is he making a face like he has to poop?
4) Wouldn't it be hard for him to move while wearing boots made of lead?
3) Are the cardmakers implying that Bruce Armstrong commits a lot of holding penalties?
2) Is it pronounced "pile-driver" or "piled river"?
1) Why did grown men agree to pose for this set?

Bruce Armstrong, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 6)

Emmitt Smith, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 5)

Name: Emmitt Smith, aka "Lone Star Sheriff"
Team: Callous Cowboys
Position: Running back
Fright value of card: Tetanus
Key 1994 splat: Wore sheet metal
Emmitt Smith's train of thought from 4:02 to 4:04 p.m., Feb. 23, 1994: "Well, looks like I'll be firing my agent. I mean, what the hell am I wearing right now? I'm holding a football that looks like a gigantic drill bit, they put makeup on me for no discernible reason, and my shoulder pads used to be part of a storage shed. Plus, they gave me a 10-gallon hat that spent most of its life as a 10-gallon pail. And since when is a sheriff a monster? Well, OK, Michael Irvin might think so, but I find that offensive! That's it, I'm protesting this shoot by making the saddest face I can."

Emmitt Smith, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 5)

Marshall Faulk, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 4)

Name: Marshall Faulk, aka "The Missile"
Team: Indianapolis Volts
Position: Running back
Fright value of card: Two wet fuses
Key 1994 splat: Not as fast when wearing 200 pounds of metal
Reactions from other NFL players and coaches upon seeing this card:

• Colts QB Jim Harbaugh: "Who's got it better than him? Everybody!"
• Chiefs LB Derrick Thomas: "How come the rookie got to wear a cool outfit?"
• 49ers WR Jerry Rice: "Indianapolis still has a football team?"
• Former Falcons coach Jerry Glanville: "Nice belt buckle!"
• Vikings kick returner Qadry Ismail: "That S.O.B. stole my nickname! And my cape!"

Marshall Faulk, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 4)

Tom Rathman, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 2)

Name: Tom "Psycho" Rathman
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Fullback
Fright value of card: Zero cents, zero sense
Key 1993 splat: 32 seconds to change into costume and apply makeup
It's time for an oh-so-scary pop quiz:

What's the most frightening thing about this card?

(A) The utter lack of imagination that went into this costume.
(B) The helmet brain on what appears to be a zombie, which means "Psycho" would try to eat his own head.
(C) The flawed logic of B.
(D) The rainbow-themed scarf and wristbands. (Oh, you said "frightening"? We thought you said "fab-u-lous."
(E) Baby hand! Ahh!
(F) We'd say "all of the above" like usual, but it's E. Definitely E. Ahhhhhh!

Tom Rathman, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 2)

Jesse Tuggle, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 1)

Name: Jesse Tuggle, aka "Tarantula"
Team: Atlanta Fal-guns
Positions: Linebacker, giant spider
Fright value of card: Bug guts
Key 1994 splat: Eight legs, zero hands
It's another spook-tacular Halloween Week! Up until now, the Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron cards we've featured have ranged from nonsensical to emasculating. Some of them could even be called obscene. But never have they been scary. At first, we thought this was another bit of silliness to be mocked without fear. Then we looked at Jesse Tuggle's face. Whether that's a mask or makeup, it's enough to give us the willies. Of course, then we think about the word "Tuggle" and snicker to ourselves a little.

Jesse Tuggle, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 1)

Matt Williams, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 4)

Name: Matt Williams
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Third base
Value of card: It looks like a zero and a 9 on the left side of the card, so we'll say .09 cents
Key 1993 stat: 479 buildings climbed and smashed
It's time for a monster pop quiz:

How did Godzilla-size Matt Williams' rampage change San Francisco?

(A) He ate part of Golden Gate Park, and then barfed all over the Bay Bridge, turning it green and purple.
(B) He rearranged the skyline, seen above, so it doesn't match reality.
(C) He threw his massive glove in San Francisco Bay and caused a tsunami that sunk the Ferry Building and Coit Tower.
(D) He picked up and moved the Bay Bridge, forcing it to divert cars onto a soccer field.
(E) He farted purple clouds of pollution.
(F) He tore rectangular, tinted windows off the Transamerica Pyramid and used them as sunglasses.
(G) All of the above.

Matt Williams, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 4)

Carlos Garcia, 1991 Fleer Ultra

Name: Carlos Garcia
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Infielder
Value of card: Spare parts
Key 1990 stat: 1,822,091 grunts
Monster masher: Coming off a division title, the Pittsburgh Pirates were flush with talent, but low on cash to sign new players. Rather than taking a gamble on youngsters or signing guys off the scrap heap, the team turned to a mad scientist to replenish their farm system. The scientist wasn't averse to a little grave robbing, and soon had stolen Ty Cobb's legs, Lou Gehrig's arms, Babe Ruth's breadbasket, and the head of a farmer named Carlos Garcia. With a few stitches and a little electricity, the Pirates soon had a new infielder — who had slightly better range than Miguel Tejada did this past season. Garcia hit .260, but could only communicate through long, loud grunts and carried an awful stench about him. Garcia was banned from baseball after ripping the arms off an umpire in 1994.

Carlos Garcia, 1991 Fleer Ultra