Joe Montana, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Football Friday No. 167)

Name: Joe Montana
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: One end zone seat approximately half a mile from the field
Key 1994 stat: 104 pounds of delicious barbecued meat eaten
Ummmm: Why is Joe Montana so happy?

A) Because he just threw a wedge of Swiss cheese shaped and painted like the Chiefs logo.
B) Because it's raining Gobstoppers.
C) Because he's delighted that the shadow of the goalpost is falling in a completely different direction than the shadow of his arm.
D) Because that little half-size upright is hilarious.
E) Because the artist who drew this card shared some of what he was smoking.

Joe Montana, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Football Friday No. 167)

Joe Montana, 1989 Living Legend (Football Friday No. 130)

Name: Joe Montana
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Greatest quarterback of all time
Value of card: Phlegm caught inside a mouth guard
Key 1988 stat: 816 passes completed with pinky sticking out like he was at an English tea party
Let's put our hands together: Now this is something else. What an accomplishment. C'mon people, let us join together and salute the fine folks at ... uh ... uh ... there's not even a company listed on this god-foresaken card. It says "Living Legend" in comic sans on the back, which might somehow be a step up from the front, but it doesn't list the fourth-graders responsible for unleashing such a fit of failure upon the masses. The nameplate looks like it was typed on a 1986 label-maker. And the border is blue. Blue! This was, no doubt, a one-card set. Didn't these geniuses think that red or gold would be a better choice? Oh, sorry. They must have been too busy not putting any effort into a "Living Legend" that was dead on delivery.

Joe Montana, 1989 Living Legend (Football Friday No. 130)

Joe Montana, 1991 Score Team MVP (Football Friday No. 89)

Name: Joe Montana
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: The Greatest Quarterback Ever
Value of card: The original painting sold for 11 cents in 1996. So, less than the original painting
Key 1990 stat: One state renamed for a quarterback
Behind the Numbers: We here at The Bust spent hours painstakingly counting the dots used to make this vomit-inducing awe-inspiring painting of Joe Montana. The total: 46,312.

Other times Joe Montana reached 46,312:

• Montana residents with Joe Montana tattoos.
• Struggling painters who tried to use Joe Montana to make a buck (including card above).
• Connections made with Jerry Rice, and that was only when the two were hitting the club.
• SEGA checks cashed. 
• Times scored (including card above).

Joe Montana, 1991 Score Team MVP (Football Friday No. 89)

Jerry Rice and Joe Montana, 1990 Fleer Super Bowl MVPs (Football Friday No. 81)

Names: Jerry Rice, Joe Montana

Team: San Francisco 49ers

Positions: Wide receiver, quarterback, Hall of Famers

Value of card: Two grains of rice in the Montana back country

Key 1989 stat: One word, "Superbowl," which, of course, is two words, which is embarrassing for Fleer

A legendary edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Hall of Fame inductions (Winner: Tie)

Round 2: History of dominating without equal at chosen position (Winner: Tie)

Round 3: Command of disarming charm that works the world over (Winner: Tie)

Round 4: Perfect IQ score, achieved without looking at questions (Winner: Tie)

Round 5: Endowment of superhero powers of mind and muscle (Winner: Tie)

Round 6: Ability to walk on water (Winner: Tie)

Round 7: Status as omnipotent being (Winner: Tie)

Score: Rice 0, Montana 0, Ties 7

Synopsis: For the first time in their Earth-bound lives, Rice and Montana don't score. But how could they? They knew they were competing against each other, and chose to let the Ties get the seven points.

Jerry Rice and Joe Montana, 1990 Fleer Super Bowl MVPs (Football Friday No. 81)

Joe Montana, 1990 Pro Set Award Winner (Football Friday No. 77)

Name: Joe Montana

Team: San Francisco 49ers

Position: Quarterback

Value of card: 2 cents

Key 1989 stat: Two fingers raised at all times

10 things Montana could have been yelling when this photo was taken:

10) "Let's go! I got my hand between two gluteal folds over here!"

9) "How many wristbands am I wearing? How many?"

8) "Hey, what's my jersey number minus 14? C'mon. Goddamn defensive linemen!"

7) "This many times with your sister, Jerry! This many times with your sister!"

6) "And we will go forth and conquer! V for valor! V for vigor! V for victory!"

5) "Whoa, bro. Peace, man!"

4) "Twice you put Icy Hot on my jockstrap! Twice!"

3) "No, no no! I said it stands for what your wife showed me!"

2) "Two hearts, believing in just one mind!"

1) "Utah! Get Montana two!"

Joe Montana, 1990 Pro Set Award Winner (Football Friday No. 77)

Joe Montana, 1993 Topps (Football Friday No. 76)

Name: Joe Montana
Team: Kansas City Chiefs (remember that?)
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: A whole lot less than the NFL salary cap
Key 1993 stat: Still wore red
Wait a minute: Here we were, ready to do some lame jokes about superstars forgettably finishing their careers with some other team (we're looking at you Emmitt Smith and Jerry Rice). Then we noticed the little guy in the shorts in the background. Whoa, dude, we know you're excited that Joe Montana's a Chief, but good lord! Don't you have a clipboard or something you can put over that thing?

Joe Montana, 1993 Topps (Football Friday No. 76)

Joe Montana, 1991 Upper Deck (Football Friday No. 73)

Name: Joe Montana
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Three used athletic supporters
Key 1990 stat: One flawless motion
Stop us if you've heard this one:
Q: How many Joe Montanas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: No one knows, because Montana always played lights-out.

Joe Montana, 1991 Upper Deck (Football Friday No. 73)

Joe Montana, 1990 Score Hot Gun (Football Friday No. 56)

Name: Joe Montana
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: One first-degree burn
Key 1989 stat: An hour of snickering laughter over this card
This pop quiz is less accurate than Joe Montana:

What exactly makes Joe Montana a "Hot Gun"?

A) His cannon of an arm and pinpoint accuracy
B) The fact that he keeps his gun covered in Mizuno wristbands
C) That night in the Tenderloin when he shot that drifter
D) Ask Mrs. Montana
E) All of the above

Joe Montana, 1990 Score Hot Gun (Football Friday No. 56)

Jennifer Montana, 1991 Pro Line Spirit (NFL Kickoff Week No. 3)

Name: Jennifer Montana
Team: Um, Team Montana?
Positions: Wife, pressed against wall
Value of card: One prenuptial agreement
Key 1990 stat: 31 pairs of Mom jeans purchased
Sexy times at the Montana homestead: Before the advent of the Internet, sex tapes and naughty photos were relegated to the likes of adult magazines and the occasional pay-per-view special. But when the cardmakers at Pro Line got their hands on some scandalous images of Jennifer Montana, they decided to branch out beyond tacky football cards. Here we see one of these photos: Mrs. Montana is pressing herself against a wall, hips cocked. Her round, full buttocks almost make her Mom jeans look tight; her jacket dangles enough fringe to clothe a small African nation. It's doubtful she's wearing much underneath that leather, elastic-cuffed coat, but she makes it clear she won't take off her $18,000 wedding ring — at least, not yet. How lucky Joe must be to run his fingers through that blond hair and those brown roots. Sexpot, thy name is Jennifer.

Jennifer Montana, 1991 Pro Line Spirit (NFL Kickoff Week No. 3)

Joe Montana, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions (NFL Kickoff Week No. 1)

Name: Joe Montana
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 16 crumbled-up blueprints
Key 1990 stat: Six haircuts a week
The blueprint: Joe Montana was the prototypical quarterback in the 1980s and 1990s. As the artist demonstrated in the above illustration, Montana had the intelligence, arm strength, heart and mobility to define the position. But Fleer forgot to include a few of Montana's most important attributes, which helped make him the best quarterback of his era, and, arguably, of all time. Picture these drawings on the blueprint behind Montana, with arrows pointing to the appropriate places:
Coif: Montana's perfectly groomed hair stood out among football players, as well as male models and Hollywood actors. His golden locks were the color of his helmet, yet as soft as a Pomeranian's underbelly.
Cleft chin: Montana oozed machismo, and his indented chin only added to the mystique of a man's man, a leader of warriors, the Spartacus of San Francisco.
Eight-pack: Few knew of Montana's legendary abs. Most toned athletes sport a six-pack, but Montana took his stomach to the next level, actually growing additional muscles in his abdomen. Coincidentally, when Montana went on a beer run, he always came back with a few eight-packs.
Soft hands: "Joe Cool" may have been manly, but his hands were as soft as milkmaid's. His secret: hourly liberal applications of Bengay.
Bulge: C'mon, when an artist makes your junk look like a sumo wrestler's face, you know you're packin'.

Joe Montana, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions (NFL Kickoff Week No. 1)

Joe Montana, 1982 Topps (Super Bowl Week No. 7)

Name: Joe Montana
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: $1.99 per minute
Key Super Bowl stat: 193 girls chatted with
Dial '0' for Joe: Sure, he's a Super Bowl legend now, but in the early 1980s, Joe Montana was just a kid trying to find his way in the NFL. After going a combined 2-6 in his first eight starts, Montana's confidence was nonexistent. His life changed one night in the summer of 1981 when, while spending another lonely evening in his San Francisco apartment, eating Cheetos and watching "Late Night With David Letterman," a commercial for a chat line called Livelinks came on the tube. Attractive women with denim bikinis and perms giggled their way across the screen, phones glued to their ears. "Call now to talk with sexy, single girls in your area," the ad beckoned. Montana called, all right. From his home, from hotel rooms, from phone booths and even from the field on game days. Coach Bill Walsh was at first dismayed — until his team started winning. A suddenly confident, macho Montana helped the Niners rack up a 13-3 record — and a $13,000 monthly phone bill.

Joe Montana, 1982 Topps (Super Bowl Week No. 7)