Dale Carter, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 68)

Name: Dale Carter
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: A soggy receipt from Taco Bell
Key 1992 stat: 1,503 gallons of water wasted
First towel off, then take this pop quiz: What the heck is Dale Carter doing?

A) Practicing waterboarding so he can work for the CIA after his football days are over
B) Always shy of showering in the locker room, this is how Dale bathed at Arrowhead
C) Washing out his eyes after a particularly bad rookie hazing stunt
D) Having a drinking problem
E) All of the above

Dale Carter, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 68)

Ron Davis, 1987 Topps

Name: Ron Davis
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Less than the VHS tapes at Goodwill
Key 1986 stat: Ate his weight in deep-dish pizza
Here's what Ron Davis stands for:

Really had us fooled with the airbrushing, there, Topps
Open-mouth stare is a good look for a baseball card photo
Nice 8.59 ERA in '86, Ronnie

Dealt twice in two years...
A player to be named later? That was Mr. Davis
Visually, this card is the equivalent of a yawn
Is it so difficult to find a barber in the Midwest?
Stats like his truly belonged with the Cubs

Card submitted by Davey Meyer

Ron Davis, 1987 Topps

Fred Manrique, 1989 Fleer

Name: Fred Manrique
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Second base
Value of card: One white sock
Key 1988 stat: Lost all of his bottom teeth
Ways in which Fred put the "man" in "Manrique":

• Grew a mustache both outside and inside his upper lip
• Caught fish by using nothing but an old mesh jersey
• Started campfires using only flint, steel, and his glasses
• Belched so loudly that it cleared out an entire stadium
• Despite the photographic evidence, lifted weights nonstop
• Could seduce a woman just by giving her a slack-jawed stare

Submitted by Douglas Corti

Fred Manrique, 1989 Fleer

Rick Jones, 1977 Topps

Name: Rick Jones
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 2 chewed, broken pencils with no lead
Key 1976 stat: 11 fish caught at Pike Place Market
Quite the portrait: Um, Topps, what the hell is going on here? We have a normal-looking pitcher with a more-than-normal name with an odd tuft of chest hair. All in all, a pretty standard card — one you normally wouldn't find on The Bust. But then there's the small issue of this card being some kind of an illustration. An illustration? What is this, a precursor to the Diamond King? Some crazy printing error? A joke played on collectors? Or is it a curious solution to the Mariners coming into existence in 1977? In truth, it's all four. Excellent work, Topps!

Rick Jones, 1977 Topps

Ron LeFlore, 1982 Topps

Name: Ron LeFlore
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 14 dead flowers
Key 1981 stat: One bout of lead poisoning from that necklace
Garbage-time pop quiz: Why is Ron LeFlore dressed like the garbage man?

(A) We don't know, and neither does he, judging by the look on his face.
(B) Hey, he had to do something during the '81 strike.
(C) It's not intentional; he's just allergic to every clothing material except plastic.
(D) It beats wearing those old White Sox uniforms.
(E) None of the above

Ron LeFlore, 1982 Topps

Dick Hyde, 1960 Topps

Name: Dick Hyde
Team: Washington Senators
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A strip of rawhide
Key 1959 stat: Chin smooth as a baby's bottom
Today's oh-so-mature lineup: We know Dick Hyde was pitching for the Senators; here's who else was on the field.

C: Willie Cover
1B: Jimmy Vanish
2B: Theodore "Sneaky" Johnson
3B: Rod Shelter
SS: Peter Shroud
RF: Jebediah "Winky" Veil 
CF: John Thomas Camouflage
LF: Horatio "Chubby" Shield

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Dick Hyde, 1960 Topps

Shon Ashley, 1988 California League All-Stars

Name: Shon Ashley
Team: Stockton (Calif.) Ports
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 2 NewPorts
Key 1987 stat: 7 days spent in Stockton 1 night
Seattle Mariners' scouting report on minor-league prospect Shon Ashley: "Five-tool player. Of course, one of those tools is a hammer and another is a wrench. ... Minor-league 'stache, big-league arm hair. ... Tough to evaluate anyone in a uniform like that. ... Decent argument to bring him up just to get the poor guy out of Stockton. ... Could distract the pitcher if he actually bats like this. ... Not sure we want anyone on our team who spells 'Shon' like that."

Card submitted by Zach Jones

Shon Ashley, 1988 California League All-Stars

Manny Sanguillen, 1981 Topps

Name: Manny Sanguillen
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Catcher
Value of card: A plastic necklace with the number 35 on it
Key 1980 stat: Wore a helmet at all times
Catch this pop quiz: What's Manny "Sangy" Sanguillen doing in the above photo?

(A) Laughing at how much yellow Lee Lacy was wearing, before realizing he'd have to wear the same thing
(B) Yelling at the Topps photographer not to highlight his gaptooth
(C) Yawning after spending another night sleeping in the clubhouse
(D) Singing "Do That to Me One More Time" by The Captain and Tennille
(E) Preparing to catch a ball with his teeth

Manny Sanguillen, 1981 Topps

Rey Palacios, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Rey Palacios
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Catcher
Value of card: A mouthful of paper
Key 1988 stat: One hit
If you don't know, you'd better ask somebody: What all is in Rey Palacios' mouth?

A) His catcher's mask
B) An entire rack of baby back ribs
C) A wad of chaw the size of Arrowhead Stadium
D) The unfortunate result of rookie hazing
E) All of the above

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Rey Palacios, 1989 Upper Deck

Mickey Hatcher, 1982 Donruss

Name: Mickey Hatcher
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One Mickey's 40-ounce
Key 1981 stat: 24 hours with a supreme being's glory shining on him
It's time for a religious pop quiz:

Why is Mickey Hatcher basking in God's good light from the heavens?

(A) Because God loves a professional athlete who needs Just for Men.
(B) Because God loves a grown man who looks like a sixth-grade rascal.
(C) Because God loves all of us, you atheist pig.
(D) Because God loves a baseball player who moonlights as a prop comic.
(E) All of the above.

Mickey Hatcher, 1982 Donruss

Wade Boggs, 1998 Pinnacle Inside

Name: Wade Boggs
Team: New York Yankees Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Positions: Third base, free agent
Value of card: 50 cents off whatever that crap is that he's putting on his chin
Key 1997 stat: Put a bunch of that crap on his chin
Wait a minute: What is that crap Wade Boggs is putting on his chin?

A) Deodorant for that huge chin-pit of his
B) Edible sunscreen
C) The world's largest tube of ChapStick, misapplied
D) Ointment for butt-chin rash
E) None of the above

Wade Boggs, 1998 Pinnacle Inside

Fred Gladding, 1972 Topps

Name: Fred Gladding
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A folded-up sheet of saran wrap
Key 1971 stat: Zero fans
Fred Gladding, by the numbers:

3.13: Career ERA
3.13 percent: Chance Fred knows where he is in this photo, judging by his expression
31.3 degrees: Angle at which his crossed eyes are staring
313: Empty seats in this photo, an image that reminds us of the 2013 Astros' season
3,130: Flies caught in Gladding's open mouth during April 1972

Fred Gladding, 1972 Topps

Dick Davis, 1981 Topps

Name: Dick Davis
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Take the number of letters in his first name and divide by 4. That's the value in cents.
Key 1980 stat: Four ounces of cheese in beard
Clearing up some rumors about Dick Davis:

• Dick Davis did not have a gold tooth. That's actually foil from the entire, still-wrapped package of Rolos he just stuffed in his mouth.
• Dick Davis was not angry about having his picture taken. He was angry about not having any more Rolos.
• Dick Davis was not a defensive liability. He was a defensive irresponsibility.
• Dick Davis was not the forerunner to Fernando Rodney's style of hat-wearing. He'd just been sleeping in his full uniform again.
• Dick Davis' photos was not the worst one in the 1981 Topps set. This one was.

Dick Davis, 1981 Topps

Kevin Ross, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 5)

Name: Kevin Ross
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: One broken arrowhead
Key 1991 stat: Four diseases caught from dirty stairwells
It's time for a studly Caption: "His lips sensually parted, Chiefs defensive back Kevin Ross stares thoughtfully into the distance and flexes every muscle in his body while relaxing on a sticky Arrowhead Stadium staircase and wearing only a satiny-soft pair of athletic shorts and a few splotches of chest hair Wednesday in Kansas City."

Kevin Ross, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 5)

Eduardo Rodriguez, 1979 Topps

Name: Eduardo Rodriguez
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A piece of bratwurst, dropped on the sidewalk
Key 1978 stat: No hat worn for more than five minutes at a time
Real nice, Eduardo: Eduardo Rodriguez hated hats. Ballcaps, derbies, Stetsons      it didn't matter, he despised them all. Sure, he would wear a garbage bag for an undershirt, just as long as he didn't have to don a cap. When he was forced to wear a Brewers hat during games per league rules, he would take it off between pitches and, if the batter struck the ball, he would knock his hat off as though trying desperately to make a defensive play      even if the ball was fouled back into the stands. When umpires or coaches would try to make him keep his cap on, Rodriguez would take it off, point to his hair, say "My head's already warm enough, chief," and then shake his head back and forth, spraying everyone with sweat and loose follicles. It was truly a disgusting display.

Eduardo Rodriguez, 1979 Topps

Tom Filer, 1983 Topps

Name: Tom Filer
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One file folder, ripped in half
Key 1982 stat: Made his last major league appearance for three years
Here's what Tom Filer stands for:

Traded to the Blue Jays for a steak dinner and a cab ride
Overtly afraid of exposing his forearms
Mouth full of chew, among other substances

Filer wasn't just his name      it was the job he was best at ...
It certainly wasn't baseball
Little advice, Tom: You might want to close your mouth during the photo shoot
Enormous head, but not an enormous arm
Reality for Filer: Blue eyes, blue uniform, blue Cubs fans

Tom Filer, 1983 Topps

Jack Snow, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 180)

Name: Jack Snow
Team: Los Angeles Rams
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Three melted snowflakes
Key 1971 stat: Several weeks of regret
Here's what Jack Snow stands for:

Jumping around like a ninny
Acting like a fool
Carrying the ball in way that's just begging for a strip
Kicking his legs in the air like a toddler

Strutting around like an idiot
Nosing ahead in the race for NFC's biggest jackass
Obeying every ridiculous command from the photographer
We didn't even get to his pasted-down hard part. Oh well.

Jack Snow, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 180)

Graig Nettles, 1983 Topps Super Veteran

Names: Young Graig Nettles, Old Graig Nettles
Teams: Minnesota Twins, New York Yankees, respectively
Positions: Third base (both)
Value of card: Inflation's rise between 1967 and 1983 (multiplied by zero)
Key 1982 stat: 234 hours wishing it were 1967
It's time for a young-vs.-old edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Ridiculous spelling of "Greg" (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Fantastic Sam's little boy's special haircut (Winner: Young Nettles)
Round 3: Veteran hair wings (Winner: Old Nettles)
Round 4: Slightly agape mouth (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Penchant for playing marbles between innings (Winner: Young Nettles)
Round 6: Ability to pose for (cough, cough) game-action shots (Winner: Old Nettles)
Round 7: Poised in position to smack his counterpart in the back of the head with a baseball bat (Winner: Old Nettles)

Score: Old Nettles 3, Young Nettles 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: The young and old versions of Graig Nettles did battle, and things were tense, but in the end, the veteran soothed the rookie into complacency before setting him up like an Incrediball on a tee.

Graig Nettles, 1983 Topps Super Veteran

Bruce Hurst, 1987 Topps

Name: Bruce Hurst
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Frostbite
Key 1986 stat: NA
Here's what Bruce Hurst stands for:

Bundled up against the cold?
Right, Brucie, we all know you're just hiding a hickey
Unless that's your favorite blankey that your gam-gam made you
Cold weather never made Roger Clemens look like such a wuss
Eh, the steroids probably had something to do with that, though

Hmm, maybe that's some sort of knock-off ascot?
Unfashionable, but warm
Rookie hazing doesn't make people look this silly
Sure, we know it's chilly, but that doesn't change this fact:
Towels as scarves aren't nearly as fun as chicken and beer

Card suggested by Tyler Kepner

Bruce Hurst, 1987 Topps

Randy Johnson, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 6)

Name: Randy Johnson
Team: Seattle Mariners
Positions: Ace, drummer
Value of card: One dropped beat
Key 1995 stat: Looked ridiculous not once but twice on this card
Hit singles you may have heard from Randy Johnson and his Seattle grunge band, Mother Love Dome: 

• "Man in the Batter's Box"
• "Hunger Strike Three"
• "No Rain Delay"
• "Cherub Walk"
• "Jeromy (Burnitz)"
• "Black Home Run"
• "Smells Like Team's Jock Straps"

Randy Johnson, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 6)