Tim Stoddard, 1989-90 Topps Senior Baseball (Fan Appreciation Week No. 3)

Name: Tim Stoddard
Team: West Palm Beach Tropics
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One arthritic hip
Key 1989-90 stat: Zero autographs actually requested from this guy
Top 10 possible explanations for this bizarre card:
10) It's promotional material for "Weekend at Bernie's 3: Dead on the Diamond."
9) It's an actual dead man being propped up for entertainment purposes.
8) It's one of those things that you stand behind and place your head in the cutout for photos.
7) Considering his hands are as big as his head, it must be George "The Animal" Steele in disguise.
6) It's concept art for the unwanted sequel to "Semi-Pro."
5) Topps was just putting its surplus of wood-grain framing to good use.
4) Oh, like you don't have glossy photos of Tim Stoddard that you're just dying to have autographed.
3) It's entirely possible that this is a photo of Tim Stoddard burping while sleepwalking.
2) It's just a cheap rip-off of this Al Hrabosky card.
1) Clearly, this was the liveliest photo from the entire Senior Professional Baseball Association season.

Card submitted by Sean Griffin

Tim Stoddard, 1989-90 Topps Senior Baseball (Fan Appreciation Week No. 3)

Pat Underwood, 1981 Topps

Name: Pat Underwood, as played by Ashton Kutcher
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two ripped ticket stubs to "The Butterfly Effect"
Key 1980 stat: $22 million loss at the box office
Role of a lifetime: Fresh off his turn as Apple co-founder and visionary Steve Jobs in "Jobs," Ashton Kutcher was looking for a challenge. He found it in a script titled "A Tiger's Stripes" and in a character named Pat Underwood. Kutcher knew he had to dedicate himself fully to the movie and live inside the role, as if he were Underwood. He grew out his hair nearly an inch, gained 3 pounds and kind of learned how to throw a baseball. He was a perfect fit. The movie mainly focused on Underwood's off-the-field life, where he dated well-known women, faced a staggering amount of criticism in the media and dabbled in what could be considered the Twitter of its day, the push-button telephone. Yes, it was as if Kutcher were made for the role, all the way down to the character's vaguely sexually explicit name that would have worked as a poor punch line in "Dude, Where's My Car?"

Pat Underwood, 1981 Topps

Gheorghe Muresan and Shawn Bradley, 1994-95 NBA Hoops (Heinous Hoops Week No. 2)

Names: Gheorghe Muresan, left, and Shawn Bradley, uncredited
Teams: Washington Bullets and Philadelphia 76ers, respectively
Positions: Gangly centers
Value of card: A penny, stretched by one of those tourist machines so that it's really long
Key 1994-95 stat: 15 feet, 1 inch, combined
Let's all go to the movies: Usually, we noncreative types here at the Bust would throw together a quick Matchup pointing out that there's an inappropriately placed ball near Muresan's groin, or that these two guys are tall, ugly and pasty. (Lord, are they pasty.) Instead, we're going to spice it up a bit today and match up these two characters' primary feature films, "My Giant" (Muresan) and "Space Jam" (Bradley).

Round 1: Least believable plot point (Winner: "My Giant," in which Billy Crystal believes somebody would pay to see Muersan on screen)
Round 2: Most believable plot point (Winner: "Space Jam," in which an alien "steals" Shawn Bradley's basketball talent and proceeds to score zero points in a game)
Round 3: Worth re-watching (Winner: Neither, a tie)
Round 4: Box office success (Winner: "Space Jam," but only by $82 million)
Round 5: Most regret felt by a main star (Winner: "Space Jam," Bugs Bunny)
Round 6: Pastier 7-footer (Winner: "Space Jam"      turns out we couldn't resist, after all)

Final score: "Space Jam" 4, "My Giant" 1 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: Sure, Michael Jordan doesn't need another title, but Shawn Bradley finally gets one for being in the least horrible movie with a 7-foot-6 center in it. Wear it proud, Shawn. And don't worry, Gheorghe      you're still the ugliest dude on this card.

Card courtesy of Fat Shawn Kemp

Gheorghe Muresan and Shawn Bradley, 1994-95 NBA Hoops (Heinous Hoops Week No. 2)

Brad Ausmus, 2006 Upper Deck

Name: Brad Ausmus
Team: Houston Astros
Positions: Catcher, movie star
Value of card: Two ripped-up ticket stubs
Key 2005 stat: One firm rejection from Universal Pictures
Dino D-N-nay: Unfulfilled by his life as a Major League Baseball player, Brad Ausmus in 2005 decided to move from behind the plate to behind the camera. A longtime fan of the "Jurassic Park" film series (yes, even the third one), Ausmus wrote, directed and starred in "Jurassic Park IV: Backstop's Bounty," in which his character heads to Isla Sorna in an attempt to round up and cage the free-roaming dinosaurs still living there. Unfortunately, the film ran into budget constraints after Ausmus signed over his entire year's salary to Sam Neill so that the franchise stalwart would make a cameo appearance. Without any money for special effects or CGI, Ausmus was forced to cast Rockies mascot Dinger and a transient in a stained Barney Halloween costume to chase him around various ballparks, and had to wear his catcher's gear whenever doing his own stunt work. The film, not surprisingly, was laughed out of town by every Hollywood studio, Ausmus' teammates, and his wife. Transient Barney died two years later.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Brad Ausmus, 2006 Upper Deck

Bernie Kosar, 1992 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 4)

Name: Bernie Kosar
Team: Cleveland Browns
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: One bootleg copy of "Hot Shots! Part Deux"
Key 1992 stat: 42 times using an airplane bathroom
Fun facts about Bernie Kosar and the F-14 Tomcat fighter jet:

• The F-14 for many years was the U.S. Navy's preferred fighter jet, capable of air superiority. Bernie Kosar for a few years was Cleveland's preferred quarterback, capable of air competency.
• When not in action, the F-14 spends much of its time resting on the deck of an aircraft carrier. When not in action, Bernie Kosar spent much of his time resting his head on a bar, passed out.
• The F-14 was capable of carrying up to six missiles to hit targets. Bernie Kosar usually needed more chances to hit a target.
• The F-14 was the featured aircraft in the 1986 blockbuster "Top Gun," a movie that raked in millions. Bernie Kosar was featured in the 2012 sports documentary "Broke," about athletes who have spent or lost all their millions.
• F-14 pilots wear flight suits that are designed to provide warmth, be fire-retardant and have lots of pockets. Bernie Kosar is wearing a prison jumpsuit with lots of patches glued to it and the collar popped.

Bernie Kosar, 1992 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 4)

Jim McMahon, 1985 Topps (Football Friday No. 170)

Name: Jim "Ripley" McMahon
Team: Chicago Bears, Nostromo
Position: Quarterback; warrant officer, lieutenant
Value of card: Two green, glowing eggs
Key 1984 stat: 12 times sacked — by a face-hugger
All hail a sci-fi hero for women: She broke through barriers and blasted otherworldly creatures. She befriended cyborgs and helped mother a Newt. She was Ellen Ripley, the protagonist of the "Alien" franchise, and she is pictured above. Ripley was known for her grit as much as her muscles, and her brunette curls became iconic on their own until they were shaved off in "Alien 3." She was a fighter, a leader, a role model for girls everywhere. Her power and tenacity changed how people thought about women. So much so, it wouldn't be alien to see her on a football field.

Jim McMahon, 1985 Topps (Football Friday No. 170)

Brian Bosworth, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 7)

Name: Brian Bosworth
Teams: Seattle Seahawks, Cobra Kai
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: 12 kicks to the face
Key 1991 stat: 365 days in the year not concentrating on football
Hollywood is a kick: Brian Bosworth was a lot of things, the least of which ended up being a football player. He might have pretended to be a karate expert, but he was a movie "star." His debut film, "Stone Cold," is a cult classic.
Here's a synopsis of Bosworth's action-packed first film: Joe Huff (John Stone) is a tough, go-it-alone cop with a flair for infiltrating biker gangs. The FBI blackmails Huff into working in an undercover investigation to convict some extremely dangerous bikers angry about the capture of their leader.
Here's a synopsis of Bosworth's action-packed above card: Brian Bosworth (yes, John Stone) is a tough, kick-it-alone fake karate champion with a flair for posing for ridiculous tobacco cards. The Upper Deck card company blackmails Bosworth into being a part of an undercover set of cards that showcase some extremely awkward scenes that make collectors angry about the disregard of their standards of taste.

Brian Bosworth, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 7)

Jim Gott, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sidelines Week No. 1)

Name: Jim Gott
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: Pitcher, midair
Value of card: One crumbled cinder block
Key 1991 stat: Two flags judo-chopped
Let's kick off Pinnacle Sidelines Week: In 1992, cardmaker Score created a "premium" set that it named Pinnacle, and included a subset intended to highlight the off-the-field pastimes of some of baseball's stars and Jim Gott. Some players liked billiards, while others tended a family ranch, but they all had one thing in common: They were ridiculous. All this week, we're focusing on these Sidelines cards, truly the nadir of Pinnacle.
Here are 10 martial arts movies Jim Gott may have been starring in when the above photo was taken:
10) Crouching Tiger, Hidden Doofus
9) Fist of Futility
8) Kill Billy Martin: Vol. 1
7) House of Flying Dodgers
6) Shanghai Loon
5) Once Upon a Time in Some Dude's Basement
4) Enter the Dork
3) Kung Fu Pinhead
2) The Forbidden Kingdom (aka Tommy Lasorda's Bathroom)
1) The Karate You've Got to be Kidding

Jim Gott, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sidelines Week No. 1)

John Cangelosi, 1989 Topps

Name: John Cangelosi
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One baseball card that's been stuffed in an armpit
Key 1988 stat: Better pitcher than hitter
Conversation between Topps photographer and John Cangelosi, Feb. 21, 1989:
Topps photog: "OK, John. Let's take some photos. Now, there's no reason to be worried."
John Cangelosi: "I'm not worried, just nervous. And sometimes when I'm nervous, I stick my fingers under my arms and then smell them like this!" (Removes hands from pits, inhales deeply)
TP: (Dry-heaves) "Aaaaand we're done here."

Card submitted by Sean Griffin

John Cangelosi, 1989 Topps

Domingo Jean, 1992 Bowman

Name: Domingo Jean
Team: New York Yankees
Positions: Pitcher, movie villain
Value of card: Not nearly as high as this guy's hair
Key career stat: Won one more MLB game than we did
Try this at home: Here's how to make your very own Domingo Jean (not that you'd want to):

5 parts May Day from "A View to a Kill"
2 parts Donatella Versace (namely, her upper lip and lower lip)
1 part film from a VHS cassette of "Coneheads"
1 part rum
1 JCPenney catalog, shredded

Mix the first three ingredients roughly on a Sunday in the Dominican Republic. Sprinkle with the shredded catalog pages, then send the concoction to New York. Drink the rum and try to pretend that you never saw the finished product. Realize that some things, once seen, cannot be unseen. Then, shudder uncontrollably, and you're all done!

Domingo Jean, 1992 Bowman

Nolan Ryan, 1990 Texas Ranger (or something)

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Ace, desperado
Value of card: One god-awful fake cowboy hat
Key 1989 stat: Pitched on Mars, apparently
A night at the movies: Yes, those are baseballs where gun holsters are supposed to be. Rather than even attempt to process how that would work, here are some movie titles that might fit this card:

• Once Upon a Time in the AL West
• A Fistful of Robin Ventura's Hair
• The Magnificent 34
• 3-0 Bravo
• The Treasure of Ruben Sierra's Madre
• The Good, the Bad and the Nasty
• True Spit
• Not-So-Young Guns

Nolan Ryan, 1990 Texas Ranger (or something)

Dick Butkus, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 161)

Name: Dick Butkus (shush)
Teams: Chicago Bears, Bushwood Country Club Duffers
Positions: Linebacker, kneeling
Value of card: 7 over par
Key 1992 stat: Two black socks, two white golf shoes
10 "Caddyshack" quotes that could use the word "Butkus":
10) "Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a Butkus in it."
9) "This Butkus still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it."
8) "In the immortal words of Jean Paul Sartre, 'Au revoir, Butkus.' "
7) "Hey, Butkus, you must have been something before electricity."
6) "Cinderella story, out of nowhere, former greenskeeper, now about to become the Butkus champion!"
5) "When you buy a hat like this, I bet you get a free bowl of Butkus, huh? Oh, it looks good on you, though."
4) "You're a lot of Butkus, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?
3) "Don't sell yourself short, Judge, you're a tremendous Butkus."
2) (Breaks wind at dinner) "Whoa, did somebody step on a Butkus?"
1) "It's in the Butkus!"

Dick Butkus, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 161)

Phil Clark, 1993 Topps Coming Attraction

Name: Phil Clark
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Those creases would devalue the card if it weren't already worthless
Key 1992 stat: Three burnt-out marquee lightbulbs
Tigers' scouting report on "coming attraction" Phil Clark: "This guy's like a movie star; he's good at 'acting' like he can play. ... We like the 'stache, but want to see it connect to a set of lamb chops. ... His name is 'Phil'; well, he sure can 'Phil' a cup, if you know what we mean. ... Not sure about taking batting practice in a skin-tight jacket, but we do foresee hipster scumbags fighting over it 19 years from now. ... By the looks of things, it's not the first time the spotlight has been on his bulge. ... Don't worry, there's no chance he'll steal a nickname and become Phil 'The Thrill' Clark. ... Coming attraction? Doesn't appear to be in the stars."

Phil Clark, 1993 Topps Coming Attraction

Mike Piazza, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 1)

Name: Mike Piazza
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: Catcher, actor
Value of card: 12 fireworks duds
Key 1993 stat: 26 red-carpet treatments
Welcome to Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week: The glitz. The glamour. The gastronomical pains. Yes, we're giving you seven days of some of the brightest and most pastel-iest baseball cards ever printed, and this Fleer subset promises not to disappoint. Get ready to see why these 1994 cards put the "ill" in "illustration."
Mike Piazza is sooo Hollywood. Here are some of the Hollywood movies in which he has starred:

• "The Catcher in the Sty"
• "Crouching Catcher, Hidden Italian"
• "The Dream Catcher (If You Don't Mind Terrible Defense)"
• "Six Goatees of Separation"
• "S.Q.U.A.T."
• "L.A. Story: Another Losing Season"
• "West Sideburns Story"

Mike Piazza, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 1)

Bernie Tatis, 1991 Impel Line Drive Pre-Rookies

Name: Bernie Tatis
Team: Canton-Akron Indians
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Four AA batteries, expired
Key 1990 stat: Two sweat-soaked wristbands
Cleveland Indians' scouting report on "pre-rookie" Bernie Tatis: "This kid has a great swing when he's sitting down posing for a cheesy minor-league photo. ... Possibly the best outfielder in Canton and Akron. OK, maybe just the best in Akron. OK, there are actually better outfielders in both Canton and Akron, but he has a heckofa smile. ... You'd die to spend a weekend at Bernie's. ... Doesn't seem to mind wearing our racist logo on his cap, even in the minors. ... With skills like his, he'll soon be playing in AA-minus. ... We're thinking this 'pre-rookie' has a 'post-baseball career' at 7-Eleven."

Bernie Tatis, 1991 Impel Line Drive Pre-Rookies

Andre Reed, 1990 Topps (Football Friday No. 114)

Name: Andre "Dre Dog" Reed
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Six Old E' 40s
Key 1989 stat: Two slugs in da chamber
Reed n the Hood: Andre Reed was a well-known wide receiver for the Bills in the 1990s, but few fans know he played a small role in the hit 1991 coming-of-age-in-the-ghetto film, "Boyz n the Hood." Reed's performance, a photo from which is above, was left on the cutting-room floor, but here are five lessons learned by his character, Dre Dog.

(1) 14-pound beanies keep your head warm — in the hood
(2) Pencil-thin mustaches make you look good — in the hood
(3) Ya gots to hustle for the dollar-dollar Bills, y'all — in the hood
(4) Looking like Ice-T gets you small roles in movies about the hood — in the hood
(5) Top-tier high school running backs with scholarship offers to USC get gunned down — in the hood

Andre Reed, 1990 Topps (Football Friday No. 114)

Fred Breining, 1983 Donruss

Name: Fred Breining
Team: San Franicisco Giants
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Nerd!
Key 1982 stat: NERRRRRD!
Blatant fraud: We're not entirely sure how it happened, but Timothy Busfield from "Revenge of the Nerds" passed himself off as a baseball pitcher and got his own card under a different name. In the process, he's the fourth actor from the movie to make the Bust. First there was this guy. Then, this guy. And this guy. Fine work. Mr. Busfield. Fine work, indeed.

Fred Breining, 1983 Donruss

Heath Shuler, 1994 Pacific Collection (Football Friday No. 96)

Name: Heath Shuler
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: One Blockbuster Video rental card
Key 1994 stat: Zero good reviews
A compilation of movie critics' takes on Heath Shuler's rookie season: "Congress isn't the only thing hated in Washington these days. ... There was a lot of hype surrounding Heath Shuler when he came out, but now it's defenders that are surrounding him. ... What was promised to be a stunning show of grace and athleticism has turned into a sorry display filled with disappointment, disinterest and disaster. ... This player, once thought of as an award-season pick, has fumbled those chances away, along with the ball. ... Two thumbs up? More like two middle fingers. ... Do yourself a favor: Buy a Heath bar at the concession stand and avoid the show."

Heath Shuler, 1994 Pacific Collection (Football Friday No. 96)

Gary Carter, 1987 Fleer All Star

Name: Gary Carter
Team: New York Mets
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Copyright infringement
Key 1986 stat: Surrounded by strange white aura
This looks familiar: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, a Fleer baseball card designer is stuck at work, putting in overtime to come up with a visual theme for the all-star cards in that year's set. He's out of both ideas and Miller Lite, and his approaching deadline is making him cranky, to say the least. His wife calls for the third time that night. "When are you coming home?" she asks. "What am I supposed to do with your meatloaf?" she asks. "Where did all my damn Miller Lite go?" she asks. The designer is about to explode. "I don't know!" he tells her. "I'm stuck here until I come up with something creative, dammit, and you just can't force creativity!" he yells. Then he pauses. "Force," he says. Thus is born a set of cheesy baseball cards that got George Lucas on the phone to his favorite lawyer faster than Han Solo can make the Kessel Run.

Gary Carter, 1987 Fleer All Star

Willie Randolph, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 9)

Name: Willie Randolph

Team: Milwaukee Brewers

Position: Second base

Value of card: Who cares? Get out of here!

Key 1990 stat: Run!

Conversation between Studio photographer and Willie Randolph, Feb. 13, 1991:

Studio photographer: Hey, Willie. Good to meet you. Thanks for stopping by.

Willie Randolph: Hey, no problem. It's great to be here. I love calm sessions like this.

SP: Good to hear. We'll have some fun. Trust me.

WR: Ha. No problem. I'm all smiles, as always.

SP: OK. Just sit right there. Smile, and ... Hey, is that Ricardo Montalban from "Naked Gun"? Why is he turning that dial? (Randolph lifts bat above head and slowly walks toward photographer.) Willie? Willie? Willie! Put down the bat!

WR: Must ... kill ... the ... queen. Must ... kill ... the ... queen.

(Studio assistants tackle Montalban, retwist dial. Randolph sits down, drops bat.)

SP: What the ...

WR: Why am I wearing these Reggie Jackson glasses?

SP: It's OK, Willie. (wipes brow) No problem. Take them off and let's finish this shoot.

WR: Hey, I'm all smiles. Let's do this.

SP: Wait, Willie. Willie. Put down the bat. Wait, why is your skin peeling and turning green? Why are your eyes sinking into your head?

WR: Brrrrrrraaaaaaaaiiiiiiinnnnnnnssssssss!

Willie Randolph, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 9)