Karl Best, 1987 Donruss

Name: Karl Best
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: See that necklace? It's worth nothing even close to that.
Key 1986 stat: 122 fish caught at Pike Place Market
Some of the reasons Karl was "the Best":

• No one else wore a $4 mesh hat during a Mariners game.
• No other pitchers had serial killer eyes.
• No other 11th-graders made it onto a baseball card.
• No other Mariners spent their evenings bagging your groceries.
• No other Major League Baseball player had such an ironic last name.

Karl Best, 1987 Donruss

Tom Dempsey, 1975 Topps Record Holders (Football Friday No. 207)

Name: Tom Dempsey
Team: New Orleans Saints
Position: Kicker
Value of card: Even trade for a dirt sandwich
Key 1974 stat: 219 kicks (in the pants)
Some of the records held by Tom Dempsey:

• Most cheeseburgers eaten in a quarter
• Volume of handlebar mustache in a game
• Number of women and children frightened in a season
• Least number of toes vs. most field goals in a career
• Most members of a biker gang mistaken for in a life

Tom Dempsey, 1975 Topps Record Holders (Football Friday No. 207)

Brandon Puffer and Jung Bong, 2003 Topps Future Stars

Names: Brandon Puffer, Jung Bong
Teams: Houston Astros, Atlanta Braves
Positions: Pitchers
Value of card: Even trade for a 5-sack of bammer
Key 2002 stat: 22,871 stoner fans, combined
It's time for a reefer-fueled edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Name is a marijuana reference (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Name is slang for a marijuana user (Winner: Puffer)
Round 3: Name is slang for marijuana paraphernalia (Winner: Bong)
Round 4: Inclusion on a card that had to have been an inside joke at Topps (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Career that takes a backseat to an awesome name (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Cooler-sounding full name (Winner: Bong)

Score: Bong 2, Puffer 1, Ties 3

Synopsis: In a dope Matchup that nearly went to pot, Bong smoked Puffer in the end in ironic fashion.

Brandon Puffer and Jung Bong, 2003 Topps Future Stars

Eric Dickerson, 1987 Topps (Football Friday No. 192)

Name: Eric Dickerson
Team: Los Angeles Rams
Position: Running back
Value of card: 12 pounds of ram dung
Key 1986 stat: 46 opponents juked out of their pants (on the dance floor)
Transcript from Los Angeles-area TV commercial for NFL-brand Windshields, circa 1987: "Hello, football fans. Eric Dickerson here, All-Pro running back for your Los Angeles Rams. Whether you want to see the whole field or the whole road, you need to get your hands on a pair of NFL-brand Windshields. (Dickerson straps glasses on his head, squeezing his cranium.) One pair of Windshields will have you covered — literally — when you're zigzagging past defenders or zigzagging in and out of traffic. You see, NFL-brand Windshields can be peeled off your face and attached to the front of your car. You're getting two products in one. So forget about NFL-brand Windshields cutting off the circulation to your brain or making your head look like a mushroom, and start thinking about the protection you need on the gridiron and on the highway. NFL-brand Windshields: the No. 1 choice when you need head-on-collision protection for your ride and your face."

Eric Dickerson, 1987 Topps (Football Friday No. 192)

Keith McCants, 1990 Score (Football Friday No. 189)

Name: "Keith" McCants
Team: Tampa Bay "Buccaneers"
Position: "Linebacker"
Value of card: "Nothing" (quote-unquote)
Key 1989 stat: 212 articles of clothing that were "orange"
It's time for another "thrilling" pop quiz:

How do you know you're the "class" of 1990?

(A) You wear hats that are "two sizes too small."
(B) You have a mustache that's as "straight as a ruler."
(C) You're constantly surrounded by a "blinding orange-and-yellow aura."
(D) You're featured on a horrendous football "card."
(E) You're "described" using "unnecessary" quote "marks."
(F) All of the above.

Keith McCants, 1990 Score (Football Friday No. 189)

Brian Wilson, 2011 Topps Heritage

Name: Brian Wilson
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Closer
Value of card: Price of a piece of taffy in 1962 (1 cent)
Key 2010 stat: 15 minutes of fame
Introducing ... the Backward Beard®: Many trademarked hairstyles have debuted on The Bust, but this is the first from the 2000s. In the esteemed tradition of The Hill of Hair®, The Greasy Earmuffs®, The SaberMullet®, The GreatScott®, The Soaring Mushroom® and The Ray-May May-Day®, Brian Wilson, always looking for a place in the spotlight, debuts his 'do. His inspiration? The beard he would later grow that would catapult him to fame from San Francisco to Hollywood and onto the national stage. Wilson managed to grow a beard not on his face, but atop his head, cascading upward instead of falling downward, and looking every bit the tangled mess of the beard that Wilson would later unleash on the world. Now that's how you 'do it.

Brian Wilson, 2011 Topps Heritage

Mike Laga, 1987 Topps

Name: Mike Laga
Team: St. Louis Lovely Ladies Cardinals
Position: First base
Value of card: It's in the red
Key 1986 stat: One butt chin
A colorful rant: Folks, please put your hands together for the Topps photography and design departments. What we have here is another iconic example of the pre-Photoshop era, when men were men and jerseys were pink — or some such thing. Mike Laga, whose chiseled good looks and million-dollar butt chin make him ideal for the "mugshot" treatment, was traded from the Tigers to the Cardinals in 1986. Apparently, the photo above was either (A) taken during his Tigers days or (B) he was sporting his favorite Morey Boogie hat while striding around spring training shirtless and Topps figured they needed to make Laga appear more ballplayer than surfer dude. We'll take option A, and we'll note that the Topps designers did a pretty impressive job pasting on that red hat. But we have to ask: What in the name of Bob Gibson's gonads is going on with that pink jersey? Well, maybe the designers were infatuated with a certain team in a certain 8-bit Nintendo game called "Baseball Stars."

Mike Laga, 1987 Topps

Allen Ripley, 1981 Topps

Name: Allen Ripley
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: $12 (don't believe it)
Key 1980 stat: 4-inch distance between camera and face
Let's play a new game: Ripley's Believe It or Not:

• Believe it or not? Ripley once flew away during a game thanks to his hair wings.
• Believe it or not? Ripley was really wearing a Giants hat in this photo; it wasn't a crudely drawn facsimile added during the card production process.
• Believe it or not? Ripley was a close talker, hence the closeness of his face to the camera lens.
• Believe it or not? Ripley's nose was detachable, as evidenced by the creases around his snoz.
• Believe it or not? This card was not one of many abominations in the 1981 Topps set.

Oh, in case you wondering, don't believe any of the garbage above. 

Allen Ripley, 1981 Topps

Cal Ripken Jr., 1992 Donruss Triple Play Little Hotshots

Name: Cal Ripken Jr.
Team: Baltimore Orioles (about a decade after this photo was taken)
Positions: Shortstop; li'l stinker
Value of card: Two sticks of gum in a pack of baseball cards when Ripken was 11
Key fourth-grade stat: 22 hours in detention
Time for an elementary school pop quiz:

Why was young Cal Ripken Jr. in detention?

(A) He had a terrible attendance record.
(B) He got caught writing the F-word on his brother's bat.
(C) That sweater vest.
(D) He was reading "Iron Man" comic books in class.
(E) All of the above.

Cal Ripken Jr., 1992 Donruss Triple Play Little Hotshots

Jim McMahon, 1985 Topps (Football Friday No. 170)

Name: Jim "Ripley" McMahon
Team: Chicago Bears, Nostromo
Position: Quarterback; warrant officer, lieutenant
Value of card: Two green, glowing eggs
Key 1984 stat: 12 times sacked — by a face-hugger
All hail a sci-fi hero for women: She broke through barriers and blasted otherworldly creatures. She befriended cyborgs and helped mother a Newt. She was Ellen Ripley, the protagonist of the "Alien" franchise, and she is pictured above. Ripley was known for her grit as much as her muscles, and her brunette curls became iconic on their own until they were shaved off in "Alien 3." She was a fighter, a leader, a role model for girls everywhere. Her power and tenacity changed how people thought about women. So much so, it wouldn't be alien to see her on a football field.

Jim McMahon, 1985 Topps (Football Friday No. 170)

Ivan Calderon, 1988 Topps

Name: Ivan Calderon
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Three pieces of discarded rubber
Key 1987 stat: 212 times called "Ivan the Terrible" by the Chicago media when he was in a slump
Time for a Windy City pop quiz:

What the hell is Ivan Calderon wearing under his mesh jersey?

(A) The garbage bag usually used to store the team's soiled jockstraps
(B) A new, improved mesh — without any holes
(C) The Batsuit
(D) He's not wearing anything; that's body hair less ridiculous than what's on his face
(E) None of the above

Ivan Calderon, 1988 Topps

Todd Jones, 1992 Bowman (Bowman Fashion Week No. 3)

Name: Todd Jones
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One of those hairstyle books you see at Supercuts, circa 1992
Key 1991 stat: Mustache thicker than eyebrows
Today's Fashion Model: Let's take a look at fierce young fireballer Todd Jones. Yes, ladies, that is a JCPenney store brand woman's blouse Mr. Jones is daring to don in this photo. But with the help of an immaculate white undershirt and two different styles of almost-gold chains, Todd pulls it off with masculine flair. What was once a flowery top has transformed into a jungle scene befitting this future Tiger. Todd keeps the fashion flowing above the neckline, as well, sporting a month-old flat top and a pseudo-handlebar mustache with a 2-inch gap in the middle of it, both of which form a lovely color scheme with his vivacious V-neck. Todd's not afraid to push the envelope with his style sense, and we give this look our stamp of approval.

Todd Jones, 1992 Bowman (Bowman Fashion Week No. 3)

Al Hrabosky, 1981 Donruss

Name: Al "The Mad Hungarian" Hrabosky
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Your life flashing before your eyes
Key 1980 stat: Beard made of demon souls
Answer this question, if you dare: What is Al Hrabosky thinking about in this photo?

A) Murder
B) Slaying
C) Homicide
D) Killing
E) What are you still doing here? Run for your damn life, you fool!

Al Hrabosky, 1981 Donruss

Bill Long, 1988 Donruss

Name: Bill Long
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A Long ball      for the other team
Key 1987 stat: 80 percent of shirt buttons buttoned
Here's what Bill Long stands for:

Boring name, boring stats ...
Including a career 27-27 record and an earned run allowed every other inning
Lots of flies got caught in that open gob of his
Looks like the photog didn't tell him to say "cheese"

Lopsided mustache a sign of his attention to detail
Once ate 66 barbecued beef ribs in a single sitting ...
Needed to skip his next start after that
Gazing into the distance or developmentally disabled? You decide.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Bill Long, 1988 Donruss

Joe Torre, 1978 Topps

Name: Joe Torre As Player, Joe Torre As Manager
Teams: Milwaukee Braves, New York Mets
Positions: As Player, As Manager
Value of card: Three overexposed negatives
Key 1977 stat: Four letters of childlike cursive written on his own card
It's time for a then-and-now battle in The Matchup:

Round 1: Face only a mother could love (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Resemblance to great mediocre ape (Winner: As Manager)
Round 3: Butt chin prominence (Winner: As Player)
Round 4: Raccoon eyes (Winner: As Player)
Round 5: Wings that could fly that massive dome around the world (Winner: As Manager)
Round 6: 2 o'clock shadow like it's 11 o'clock (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Ability to bench the other if the laws of physics are broken and the space-time continuum ceases to exist (Winner: As Manager)

Score: As Manager 3, As Player 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: Given that this was Joe Torre squaring up against Joe Torre, it's no surprise the battle was close. But in the end, the Hall of Fame manager outshined his younger self with a heaping helping of face and hair handles that just won't quit.

Joe Torre, 1978 Topps

Ron Hassey, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 2)

Name: Ron Hassey
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 14 nose hairs
Key 1989 stat: 152 pot pies eaten
A face filled with boredom: Wow, Bowman. Nice work. This card is so boring, it looks like it bored Ron Hassey while the photo was being taken. The photographer had to put the camera lens 4 inches from Hassey's jowls just to keep him awake. There's no sense of place, save for the gas station sign reaching into the sky behind the A's catcher, which, actually, seems appropriate. And the Bowman boys could have done so much with this assignment. Hassey is a catcher, so the photo could have depicted him squatting, which is much better than slack-jawed staring. Or maybe we could have seen a side shot, allowing Hassey's mullet curls to have a moment in the sun. But no, we're subjected to an awkward stare-down with a backup catcher who had as many holes in his swing as he had in his practice jersey. Well, at least now we have intimate knowledge of Hassey's pores.

Card submitted by Omar Zazueta

Ron Hassey, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 2)

Bo Jackson, 1990 Jumbo Sunflower Seeds Autograph Series

Name: Bo Jackson
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 14 used sunflower seed shells, still moist
Key 1989 stat: Roughly 2 million images of him doctored
You're doing it wrong: OK, look at the words at the top of this card. Then look at the image. Notice anything missing? If you said, the Royals logo on Bo Jackson's hat, well, you'd be right, obviously. But most food-based sports cards in the early 1990s were required to make players look like they were in the witness protection program. No, what we're going for here is that, for an "autograph series," this card seems to be suspiciously unsigned. And while it's true that you could find Bo's childlike scribbling on the back of the card, what fun is that? Maybe we'll start signing the back of our credit card receipts and see how that goes over. Seriously, this set would have been the worst thing to ever happen to sunflower seeds if not for this article.

Bo Jackson, 1990 Jumbo Sunflower Seeds Autograph Series

George Brett, 1990 Post First Collector Series

Name: George Brett
Team: Kansas City Royals
Potsition: First base
Value of card: Ten shots of tequila, regurgitated
Key 1989 stat: Patchy stubble
George Brett's train of thought, 11:02 to 11:04 a.m., March 7, 1990: "Damn these Florida beaches and their enticing blend of tequila and samba. ... Wait, today's baseball card photo day? Crap, I'm sweating like Cecil Fielder in a sauna. I didn't shave, I haven't showered in three days and I'm so hungover right now, the sky looks purple. ... Phew, it's only the crappy insert cards they're shooting today. Nobody will ever see these and distribute them on a poorly written and produced electronic medium two decades from now. ...  Hey, if these guys are going to smudge out the logo on my hat, maybe they can get rid of the bags under my eyes and the dried puke on my collar. Maybe I won't look like America's swarthiest man, after all!"

George Brett, 1990 Post First Collector Series

Todd Hundley, 1997 Fleer Team Leaders

Name: Todd Hundley
Team: New York Mets
Position: Catcher
Value of card: A rusty pair of scissors
Key 1996 stat: Only half his jersey buttons buttoned
Unfortunate moments in card design: It's hard to tell it here, but there's no actual white border to the left of Todd Hundley's face. Yes, the 1997 Fleer Team Leaders cards went beyond Photoshop cutouts      they were actual cutouts. You, too, could rub your fingers along Mr. Hundley's masculine cheeks and eyebrows! So, knowing that, here are a few things we can take away from this about this catcher's mug:

• His face was craggier than Mount Rushmore.
• His 'brows could have used a little work. OK, a lot of work.
• His cheekbones could have sliced through diamonds.
• The left third of his hat was either missing or dead.

Todd Hundley, 1997 Fleer Team Leaders

Carney Lansford, 1984 Topps

Name: Carney Lansford
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Third base
Value of card: Six wings, ripped off dead flies
Key 1983 stat: 1,275 hours hunched over
What does Carney Lansford stand for?

Car is a Ford, says Carney Lansford
Adjective used as a noun for team's name
Rally lamb chops were an A's specialty
Night games at the Coliseum feature only a few stabbings
Ever look in the mirror and feel embarrassed by your facial hair? Carney hasn't
Yellow socks accentuate Lansford's curvaceous calves

Lenses are as thick as his mustache
A's 1983 uniforms resembled those of a beer league softball team
Never has anyone named "Carney" risen to such heights
Stirrups go all the way to his waist
Face stuck in a ½-inch-by-½-inch box
Oakland is a great place to play — to play dice in the alley
Rim of Lansford's hat is straight enough for a 2000s hipster
Decision to include a bright-blue box: mind-numbing

Carney Lansford, 1984 Topps