Eric Show, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Eric Show
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One used G string
Key 1990 stat: Mastered the art of seduction
Music and mullets: Major League hurler Eric Show also knew his way around a guitar. Here are a few songs he penned.

•  "White Pants Blues"
• "Hammock of Love"
• "That Old Curly Mullet Magic"
• "Those Aren't Blood Stains on My Patio"
• "Check Out My Big-Bodied, Long-Necked Beauty      and My Guitar"

 Card submitted by Brian Blaine

Eric Show, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Rod Beck, 1995 Score

Name: Rod Beck
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Closer
Value of card: Four used diapers
Key 1994 stat: 41 infants frightened
It's a man-child Matchup:

Round 1: Smells like they could use a change (Winner: Tie      both)
Round 2: Suffers from diaper rash (Winner: Tie      both)
Round 3: Fussy when tired (Winner: Tie      both)
Round 4: Prefers to sleep in a onesie (Winner: Tie      both)
Round 5: Sometimes vomits after eating (Winner: Tie      both)
Round 6: Often wants the bottle (Winner: Tie      both)
Round 7: Cries in the middle of the night (Winner: Tie      both)
Round 8: Chubby little arms and legs (Winner: Tie      both)
Round 9: Mustache (Winner: Beck)

Final score: Beck 1, baby 0 (Ties: 8)

Synopsis: As usual, Rod Beck took it right down to the wire before shutting down the opposition. Both participants celebrated by tucking something into their lips      a binky for the tot; a chew for the closer.

Rod Beck, 1995 Score

Juan Gonzalez, 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: juan GONZALEZ
Team: texas RANGERS
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Anger hotter than the fire of a thousand suns
Key 1994 stat: No love lost
It's a collector's choice pop quiz: What did Reggie Jackson say to torque off Juan Gone?

A) Reggie asked why Juan put so much eye black on his lip.
B) Reggie asked if Juan realized that there would be photographers around.
C) Reggie told Juan he had a nice swing      and then asked if Juan's husband played.
D) Mr. October said Juan reminded him of Miss November.
E) None of the above. Juan just didn't like anybody.

Juan Gonzalez, 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Ron Davis, 1987 Topps

Name: Ron Davis
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Less than the VHS tapes at Goodwill
Key 1986 stat: Ate his weight in deep-dish pizza
Here's what Ron Davis stands for:

Really had us fooled with the airbrushing, there, Topps
Open-mouth stare is a good look for a baseball card photo
Nice 8.59 ERA in '86, Ronnie

Dealt twice in two years...
A player to be named later? That was Mr. Davis
Visually, this card is the equivalent of a yawn
Is it so difficult to find a barber in the Midwest?
Stats like his truly belonged with the Cubs

Card submitted by Davey Meyer

Ron Davis, 1987 Topps

Anders Hedberg, 1977-78 O-Pee-Chee (Another Hocke Week No. 6)

Name: Anders Hedberg
Team: Winnipeg Jets
Position: Right wing
Value of card: One boarding pass from 2012
Key 1977-78 stat: Gave everyone the willies
Fill your intermission with this pop quiz: Who didn't Anders Hedberg frighten with his "smile"?

A) His own mother
B) Satan
C) Charles Manson
D) Thomas Lewis
E) None of the above      everybody was creeped out by Anders Hedberg

Anders Hedberg, 1977-78 O-Pee-Chee (Another Hocke Week No. 6)

Jaromir Jagr, 1991-92 Topps Stadium Club (Another Hockey Week No. 3)

Name: Jaromir Jagr
Team: Pittsburgh Penguins
Position: Right wing
Value of card: An empty bottle of Jager
Key 1991-92 stat: Singlehandedly kept four Pittsburgh-area hairdressers in business
Scouting report on Penguins rookie hotshot Jaromir Jagr: "He looks good on the ice, but not nearly as good as he does in a linen suit. ... In the running for the Calder Trophy, but he's already swept mullet competitions throughout the Great Lakes region. ... His stick-handling so far is outpacing his ability to handle a clip-on tie. ... Will likely never suffer a concussion, given that under his helmet, he has another helmet. ... Tastes great when mixed with Dr Pepper. ... Overall, this kid's got a very high ceiling      and with that haircut, he's gonna need it."

Jaromir Jagr, 1991-92 Topps Stadium Club (Another Hockey Week No. 3)

John Candelaria, 1977 Topps

Name: John Candelaria
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 7 ounces of excrement from a pirate's parrot
Key 1976 stat: 276 women seduced with a glance
It's time for a very hairy pop quiz:

Why did the ladies love John Candelaria?

(A) His salon-quality hair put theirs to shame.
(B) He had the penmanship of a 19th-century poet.
(C) That tickling sensation from the wisps of his mini-mustache.
(D) What woman doesn't want a Pirate with a little booty?
(E) All of the above.

John Candelaria, 1977 Topps

Dick Perez, 1994 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Name: Dick Perez
Team: Donruss
Position: Diamond King artist
Value of card: Four ounces of ink, spilled on your pants
Key 1993 stat: One copy purchased of "A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man"
Is Dick Perez having a medical emergency? First off, here he is, ladies and gents, the man, the myth, the legend: Dick Perez. He spent many years tormenting us with these Diamond King cards, and we've now done the same in return. But is he having a medical emergency? His hair definitely is not. That helmet could absorb a 96-mph fastball. His beard is trimmed neatly, showing good dexterity and fashion sense. But patches of skin on his face are blue, and that's never a good sign. He may be losing oxygen to the brain, which would explain how this thing ever saw the light of day.

Dick Perez, 1994 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Sammy Stewart, 1984 Topps

Name: Sammy Stewart
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 dead birds
Key 1983 stat: 1 driver's license photo on a baseball card
Some of the unique pitches that Sammy Stewart threw:

• Nine-seam fastball
• Spit-finger slowball
• Moose knuckler
• The straight, fast Eephus
• Oval change
• Chew spitball

Sammy Stewart, 1984 Topps

Dave Engle, 1984 Donruss

Name: Dave Engle
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Twin pennies
Key 1983 stat: 1,975 mischievous looks
It's time for a Twin Cities pop quiz:

Why does Dave Engle look so mischievous?

(A) He just filled his teammates' Gatorade bottles with chew spit.
(B) He just mixed Bengay in the sunflower seed stash.
(C) He just put a piece of chewed gum with a bubble on a teammate's hat — and then told his wife he'd cheated on her.
(D) He just got pictured on a baseball card despite barely being a baseball player.
(E) All of the above.

Dave Engle, 1984 Donruss

Rick Jones, 1977 Topps

Name: Rick Jones
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 2 chewed, broken pencils with no lead
Key 1976 stat: 11 fish caught at Pike Place Market
Quite the portrait: Um, Topps, what the hell is going on here? We have a normal-looking pitcher with a more-than-normal name with an odd tuft of chest hair. All in all, a pretty standard card — one you normally wouldn't find on The Bust. But then there's the small issue of this card being some kind of an illustration. An illustration? What is this, a precursor to the Diamond King? Some crazy printing error? A joke played on collectors? Or is it a curious solution to the Mariners coming into existence in 1977? In truth, it's all four. Excellent work, Topps!

Rick Jones, 1977 Topps

John Elway, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 60)

Name: John Elway
Team: Denver Broncos
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: One free spin class
Key 1992 stat: Two creamy thighs
Here's what John Elway stands for:

Join a gym already, buddy
Oh, and maybe get a tan, too?
How many plants do you have in that "exercise room" anyway?
Nowadays, they grow different vegetation in Colorado, amirite?

Exercise cycle from the '90s or arcade version of "Excite Bike"?
Little blue tiles are easier to look at than those little blue shorts
Wearing a shirt with your name on it is the move of a champion
Always a fan of the mini-mullet
Yes, Elway still rides that same bike to this very day

John Elway, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 60)

"Ravishing" Rick Rude, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 4)

Name: "Ravishing" Rick Rude
From: Robbinsdale, Minn.
Signature move: Rude Awakening
Value of card: 2 sticks of lipstick
Key 1989 stat: 1,118 women seduced
Top 10 reasons that women thought Rick Rude was so "ravishing":
10) More butt crack shots on cable TV than anyone on any show in the 1980s.
9) His 10-pack stomach.
8) The prematch strip tease couldn't have hurt.
7) The ladies were just using him to get to Bobby Heenan.
6) He patented the "bedroom suplex."
5) Chicks dig rude dudes.
4) Veins bulging larger than most men's muscles.
3) A 'stache that would make Tom Selleck jealous.
2) A mullet mane that would make a lion jealous.
1) Airbrushed paintings of himself on his package.

"Ravishing" Rick Rude, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 4)

Jake "The Snake" Roberts, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 3)

Name: Jake "The Snake" Roberts
From: Gainesville, Texas
Signature moves: DDT; bringing Damien the snake to the ring
Value of card: 6 ounces of bones and hair regurgitated after feeding
Key 1989 stat: 12 snakes brought onto this (expletive) plane
Some reptile facts you might not know about Jake "The Snake":

• He cries crocodile tears.
• He wore neon pink Gecko T-shirts deep into the 1990s.
• In middle school, he volunteered to be a hallway monitor. He was disappointed when he realized it wasn't the scaly kind.
• When Hulk Hogan talked about his 24-inch pythons, Roberts cried a little inside.
• He drove a Dodge Viper (rented for one night and crashed).
• For a short period he was known as Jake "The Gopher Snake" Roberts, and then he saw "Caddyshack."

Jake "The Snake" Roberts, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 3)

Bill Buckner, 1987 Donruss

Name: Bill Buckner
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: First base
Value of card: Priceless for Mets fans
Key 1986 stat: 1 error; heard about it?
Here's what Bill Buckner stands for:

Boston, give the guy a break.
It's time we moved past 1986.
Leave him alone, for the love of god.
Let's remember him for more than just one play, folks.

Bro, it's getting old.
Under that cap is a sensitive soul in need of forgiveness.
Can't we see this player for the man he was?
Kind, gentle, compassionate, eyebrowed.
Never forget: The mustache makes the man.
Error aside, that chest hair is the real flub.
Ripping on his assortment of different kinds of hair, instead of the error, is doing the man a service.

Bill Buckner, 1987 Donruss

Chuck Mount, 1991 Impel Line-Drive Pre-Rookies

Name: Chuck Mount
Team: Iowa Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Mount it on the wall, still worthless
Key 1990 stat: 11 mountains summited
Cubs' scouting report on minor league prospect Chuck Mount: "Forget his pitching; I just want to hang out with this guy. ... What are the chances he uses his name as part of a pickup line with the ladies? ... Big-league butt chin. Definitely. ... Iowa Cubs. Chicago Cubs. What's the difference? Just bring him up. ... Just to ensure it's clear why we like him: His first name is a synonym for hamburger and his last name is something I try to do to my wife three times a year."

Card submitted by Al Filipczak

Chuck Mount, 1991 Impel Line-Drive Pre-Rookies

Phil Niekro, 1979 Topps

Name: Phil Niekro
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 pounds of wilted lettuce
Key 1978 stat: 1 big-league brother
Here's how Phil Niekro introduced himself in 1979:

• "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and I'm your garbageman."
• "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and I frighten children when I look at them."
• "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and I founded Willie Wonka's Chocolate Factory."
• "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and you'll see me in your nightmares."
• "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and all that hair is actually coming from my ears."
• "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and I like to knuckle things."

Phil Niekro, 1979 Topps

Jay Baller, 1990 CMC

Name: Jay Baller
Team: Omaha Royals
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: If you cut out that imperfection smudge on the left side of this card and offered it to someone on the street for a dollar, this card is worth the spit that would wind up on your face.
Key 1989 stat: 77 strikes (not strikeouts; just strikes)
Royals' scouting report on minor league prospect Jay Baller: "Says here this guy is a Baller. We have no indications of that. ... Might want to bring him to Kansas City if Omaha throws in a couple of steaks. ... Pitching skills aside, he has a real chance to make the Name Hall of Fame. ... Mustache? Baller. Mullet? Baller. Baseball skills? Not baller. ... Baller? I barely knew her! Ha! Wait, we're supposed to be evaluating this guy?"

Card submitted by Al Filipczak

Jay Baller, 1990 CMC

Mark Clear, 1981 Donruss

Name: Mark Clear
Team: Los Angeles Angels
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 7 shards of broken, cloudy glass
Key 1980 stat: 114 times heckled with the name "Crystal"
A translucent view: We've seen awful, out-of-focus, early 1980s baseball cards before, but we've never seen one quite this good. Yes, this card is awesome because the subject is wearing an umpire's shirt with an Angels logo ironed on. And, yes, his boiler is folded over his cummerbund. But as ridiculous as the mustache and mullet look, there's no getting past that name — that seemingly impossibly perfect name — that's emblazoned at the bottom of a card featuring an awful, out-of-focus, early 1980s baseball card. Is this one of Donruss' worst cards ever? Clearly, it is.

Mark Clear, 1981 Donruss

Craig Smajstrla, 1990 CMC

Name: Craig Smajstrla
Team: Tucson Toros
Position: Infield
Value of card: 2 ounces of pigeon poop
Key 1989 stat: 11 bunt attempts missed
Houston Astros' scouting report on minor-leaguer Craig Smajstrla: "Some of our players need a math tutor, so this kid might work out. ... This guy's a clutch hitter for the Toros? That's a bunch of bull. ... Four-tool player: calculator, protractor, compass and pocket protector. ... Forget this guy, let's call up that batting helmet. ... Chin is big league, but we'll need to work on the rest of that face. ... Smaj, Smajst, Smajstr — hell, we don't need a player whose name sounds like toothpaste being sucked through a vacuum cleaner."

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Craig Smajstrla, 1990 CMC