Virgil, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 1)

Name: Virgil
From: Pittsburgh, Pa.
Signature move: Million Dollar Dream
Value of card: One sleeve
Key 1990 stat: Biceps twice as big as head
Down for the count: The Bust is primarily a bad baseball card site (and a site for bad baseball cards), but we have occasionally featured other sports. Soccer, hockey, tennis and even rowing have made appearances over the years. So has wrestling      just not the kind that offers monthly pay-per-view specials for $44.95. This week, we're righting that wrong and digging up some of the finest superstars the then-WWF had to offer in 1990. Good God almighty!

It's a pop quiz smackdown: Which of these descriptions best fits the man on the above card?

(A) Virgil was a Chippendale dancer who never heeded management's advice that he should shave his arms.
(B) Virgil was an ancient Roman poet whose greatest works included the epic "Aeneid."
(C) Virgil served as a bodyguard for Ted "The Million Dollar Man" DiBiase, and was later known as Vincent and, somehow, Curly Bill.
(D) Virgil is the loneliest man on the Internet.
(E) All of the above.

Virgil, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 1)

D.J. Johnson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 51)

Name: David "D.J." Johnson
Team: Pittsburgh Steelers
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: One broken "DJ Hero" turntable
Key 1991 stat: 365 times reflecting on the day
D.J. Johnson's train of thought from 7:02 to 7:04 p.m., Aug. 3, 1991: "Wow, what a beautiful sunset. I bet it'll make my biceps look awesome. Wait, are my sleeves still rolled up? Yep, good. Lookin' good. ... I wonder how well my mullet will show up in this light. I mean, it'll be clear that I'm all business up front, but the ladies need to know about the party in the back. ... Too bad picture day is today. Another month, and this mustache would totally be filled in. Oh well, I'm sure my wrist brace will draw attention away from it. ... Is this guy done taking my photo yet? It was a lot of work spraying myself with all that water in order to look sweaty. I need a shower."

D.J. Johnson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 51)

Ken Norton, 1995 Fleer Illustration Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 1)

Name: Ken Norton
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: All the paper-and-ink gems on those paper-and-ink rings
Key 1994 stat: Zero rings worn during games
Welcome to Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week: We really hit the ball out of the park (cough, cough) last year with Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week, so, with football just around the corner, we wanted to take the drug-fueled fun to the gridiron, too. Pack those bowls and grab some buds, we're supplying you with seven days of illustrated football posts only a stoner can appreciate.
Sleep tight, Kenny: Ken Norton was deep in the depths of a dream when he imagined himself dancing among the clouds, muscles flexed, as glittering rings rained down from the heavens. Oh, it was a glorious dream. And this was the song playing:

It's raining rings! Hallelujah!
It's raining rings! Amen!
Ken's gonna go out to run and let myself get
Absolutely soaking wet!
It's raining rings! Hallelujah!
It's raining rings! Ammmmmmeeennnnn!

Ken Norton, 1995 Fleer Illustration Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 1)

Mark McGwire, 1998 Pinnacle Naturals

Name: Mark McGwire
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: First base
Value of card: 11 6-week-old Big Macs
Key 1997 stat: Zero accusations of performance-enhancing-drug use
The Naturals subset seems like an odd choice for McGwire; some other odd subset choices:

• Nolan Ryan, Indians
• Randy Johnson, Short Guys
• Oscar Gamble, Flat Tops
• Tommy Lasorda, Irishmen
• O.J. Simpson, Innocents
• Rusty Kuntz, Unfunny Names
• Barry Bonds, Naturals

Mark McGwire, 1998 Pinnacle Naturals

Michael Cofer, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 4)

Name: Michael Cofer
Team: Detroit Lions
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: One of those sweat socks — just one
Let's break down Michael Cofer's workout, by the numbers:

15: Spandex stretches
50: Imaginary weight lifts
45: Sweat sock roll-downs
100: Flat top combings
250: Flexes for the camera
10: Continuous hours of standing like a weirdo

Michael Cofer, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 4)

Chris Zorich, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 35)

Name: Chris Zorich
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Defensive tackle
Value of card: 2 inches of elastic from that waistband
Key 1990 stat: 176 chicks propositioned
Chris Zorich's dating profile, circa 1991:

Screen name: BigChris97
Age: Young, son
Height: 6-foot-1 and done
Weight: About 280 of pure muscle
Hair color: Dark
Hairstyle: Chest
Ethnicity: Croatian, African-American and awesome
Want children? My muscles are my children
Past relationships: All started in the weight room
Best feature: Sweatpants bulge
Smoke? Not this dude
Drink? Protein shakes

Seeking: A buff broad
Location: The Windy City
Her height: 6-foot-1 to 6-foot-6
Her body type: Filled with muscles
Her ethnicity: Tan

About me: What's up, ladies? I'm Big Chris and I'm ready to pump you up, if you know what I mean. Sure, I spend a lot of time in the weight room, but I also spend a lot of time in the bedroom. Wink, wink. Want to sweat it out and share a couple of protein shakes? You can find me at the gym      in the locker room, if you're lucky.

Chris Zorich, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 35)

Ted Kluszewski, 1957 Topps

Name: Ted Kluszewski
Team: Cincinnati Redlegs
Position: First base
Value of card: (Kluszewski flexes, then says, "How 'bout this?")
Key 1956 stat: (Kluszewski chops wood, then turns, stares at you, and spits.)
Feast your eyes on a man: Bow down, you pathetic coward. For you are staring at Ted Kluszewski, the manliest of men to ever put on a uniform and tear it to shreds as he flexed. This is the essence of man, the personification of all your fears and self-loathing — and desires. His chin once made Kurt Douglas' chin cry during a chin fight. His forearms were used as models for a sailor named Popeye. His eyebrows' daily sheddings formed herds of Sasquatches. You think those arms are big? You're right, sissy; that bat weighs 78 pounds. His sleeves? They were rightfully frightened and never showed up to the photo session. That last name? It worked as a loan shark's muscle when Kluszewski slept. Bottom line: This guy is such a man, the owners of the Cincinnati Redlegs took one look at Kluszewski's arms and decided the team's name no longer worked.

Ted Kluszewski, 1957 Topps

Bill Fralic, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 18)

Name: Bill Fralic
Team: Atlanta Falcons
Position: Guard
Value of card: Seven broken, chewed-up, splintering toothpicks
Key 1990 stat: 286 gallons of sweat saved in closet buckets
Conversation between Bill Fralic and a Pro Line photographer, July 23, 1991: 
Pro Line photographer: "Hey, Bill. Good to meet ... whoa!"
Bill Fralic (in voice similar to David Puddy's of "Seinfeld" fame: "What's the matter? Never seen a man work out before?"
PLP: "No, no. It's just, um, don't you think you should put on pants for the shoot?"
BF: "Why would I do that? This is how I work out. Pantsless."
PLP: "Um, OK."
BF: "Sans pants."
PLP: "Got it."
BF: "Sin pantalones, amigo."
PLP: "Yeah, I understand."
BF: "Positively without pants."
PLP: "OK, let's just get this shoot over with."
BF: "Sure. Just let me put on my socks."
PLP: "Really? You're going to spread your legs in the air like that? How about I turn around?"
BF: "What's the matter? Never seen a man put on socks before?"
PLP: "Just close your legs, finish pulling up your socks and let's shoot this."
BF: "Hold on. Make sure you get my red Jockeys in the shot. My mother is going to see this."

Bill Fralic, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 18)

Bob Golic, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 3)

Name: Bob Golic
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Position: Defensive lineman
Value of card: The sweat from that rag Golic's holding
Key 1991 stat: Three hours spent locked in weight room
A lesson in the human form: Wow. Who says sports cards can't be art, huh? Look at the way Bob Golic's epic mullet catches the light of dusk (or is it dawn?), sending rays of light and beads of sweat shooting every which way. Or the sun glowing against Golic's muscles and stretch-marked skin, highlighting what can happen if you work very hard, lift a lot of weights and absolutely do not take steroids. Then there are Golic's sweat-stained undershirt and old gym sock that he's holding. Both are drenched and disgusting, byproducts of the work it takes to sculpt one's self into a Grecian god. Or is that a grease-cian god? Either way, hats off to you and your steel-wool beard, Bob Golic. The only shame in this Sunday portrait is ours, knowing we will never look half this awesome.

Bob Golic, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 3)

Tommy Kono, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards Hall of Fame (Another Alternative Sports Week No. 2)

Name: Tommy Kono
Position: Weightlifter
Team: The good ol' U.S. of A.
Value of card: It's worth its weight in garbage
Key 1990 stat: 26 hours lifting weights outside a mental institution
10 reasons Tommy Kono made the U.S. Olympic Hall of Fame:
10) He rocked short-shorts like few men in the 1950s.
9) His hairdo's enviable part and wave 30 years before the 1980s.
8) He always reached for new heights.
7) Who else wore church shoes and gym socks while pumping iron?
6) Male cleavage.
5) As seen in this photo, he could lift 50 whole pounds above his head.
4) He held 21 world records (18 for his tan).
3) He doubled as a little-known female superhero in the 30th century of the DC Comics universe.
2) Weights in his hands.
1) Weight in his shorts.

Tommy Kono, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards Hall of Fame (Another Alternative Sports Week No. 2)

Gene Richards, 1982 Donruss

Name: Gene Richards
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Outfield
Value of card: "Whatever you want, Mr. Richards, just don't hurt me."
Key 1981 stat: 46 people beat down
Gene Richards' stream of consciousness from 2:22 to 2:23 p.m. July 14, 1981: "What is that guy doing over there? Why's he wearing the same puke-and-crap-colored jersey as me? Is he flashing gang signs at me? Hey, mother(expletive), I don't know who you think you are, but I'll come over there and beat you down with this here bat and these here granite-infused forearms. Hey, punk, you see me over here, looking at you like a raging bull? You see these handlebars? You see these lambchops? I'm-a, I'm-a, I'm-a 'bout ready to break out this beating stick on your old (expletive). Oh, wait. That's my third-base coach. Better get back in the box and hit."

Gene Richards, 1982 Donruss

Bryant Young, 1994 Fleer NFL Prospects (Football Friday No. 86)

Name: Bryant Young
Teams: San Francisco 49ers, Notre Dame Fighting Irish, Gandalf's Ring-Bearers
Positions: Defensive line, best pal
Value of card: One ring (to rule them all)
Key 1993 stat: One trilogy; three volumes, two books apiece
Frodo's right-hand lineman: Gather 'round, young fantasy fans, and hear the story of Bryant "Samwise" Young, a simple defensive lineman whose devotion to cornerback Aaron "Frodo" Glenn helped Middle-Earth's inhabitants survive the most evil of threats. After Frodo Glenn found a football partially buried near the 40-yard line in The Shire, Samwise Young was tasked with accompanying his young Hobbit friend on a destiny quest to the fabled land of End Zone, where the two would spike the football into the fiery depths of Mordor's Cracks of Doom. They survived bloody battles, walked for eons and had hundreds of homo-erotic encounters, all in the name of fellowship. But near their goal, Frodo Glenn became too exhausted to continue the journey. Young Sam Young used all his might to help his companion, and, after a struggle with the disgusting "Gollum" Cook, the football was cast into the fire, thus ending their destiny quest, and their passionate love affair.

Bryant Young, 1994 Fleer NFL Prospects (Football Friday No. 86)

Bob Hamelin, 1990 Bowman

Name: Bob Hamelin
Team: Kansas City Royals
Positions: Designated hitter, first base
Value of card: A cassette tape of Dee-Lite's "Groove is in the Heart"
Key 1990 stat: 17 cows tipped
He's earned this: Bob Hamelin may look like a big ol' slack-jawed country bumpkin in this photo, but in 1994, he was the American League rookie of the year. (No, really! We didn't remember, either.) Here are a handful of less important yet equally forgotten awards Big Bob has won:

• Boy Scout of the Month, Troop No. 1399, April 1980
• Hairiest arms at Buffalo Bill's Tequila Shooter Night, Kansas City, Mo., Aug. 13, 2001
• Student of the week, Mrs. Evans' third-grade remedial English class, Feb. 3-10, 1974
• Employee of the month, Beef n' Brawn strip club, November 2000
• Worst Sophomore Slump, American League, 1995 (.168 batting average)

Card contributed by FatShawnKemp.com.

Bob Hamelin, 1990 Bowman

Lynn Jones, 1986 Topps

Name: Lynn Jones

Team: Kansas City Royals

Position: Outfield

Value of card: A pouch full of beard trimmings

Key 1985 stat: 11 beatings of people making fun of his name

1986 Topps, you did it again: A classic card from a classic set of a classy dude with a classic woman's name. Wow. This card has it all. It packs about 50 "busts" within its edges, and yet appears simple and straightforward. Forget the puns and lists and other regurgitated crappola you usually find on The Bust. All we need to do is point out the range of awesomeness contained in this card. First, the guy's name is "Lynn." Lynn is a beast of a dude. He appears to always be flexing and looks like he could snap a neck between his thighs. His bulge? It's what you'd expect on such an impressive card: prominent, oblong and dignified. That's not all. Jones rocked a beard that by all accounts was the most "boss" grown by anyone ever named "Lynn." It's no surprise he was listening to a Kenny Loggins' cassette when this photo was taken. Then, of course, there's the glasses. Grandmothers across the nation wore the same pair. We salute you, Lynn and 1986 Topps, for showing us that sometimes perfection can be attained without trying.

Lynn Jones, 1986 Topps