Eric Show, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Eric Show
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One used G string
Key 1990 stat: Mastered the art of seduction
Music and mullets: Major League hurler Eric Show also knew his way around a guitar. Here are a few songs he penned.

•  "White Pants Blues"
• "Hammock of Love"
• "That Old Curly Mullet Magic"
• "Those Aren't Blood Stains on My Patio"
• "Check Out My Big-Bodied, Long-Necked Beauty      and My Guitar"

 Card submitted by Brian Blaine

Eric Show, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Tiger Woods, 2001 Upper Deck (Christmas Day 2014 Special)

Name: Tiger Woods
Team: Umm, Team Nike?
Position: Golfer
Value of card: Getting your balls in the rough
Key 2001 stat: A much happier Christmas than, say, 2009
Merry Christmas from the Bust: Allow us to present a few Christmas carols influenced by Tiger Woods, the most randy golfer the North Pole ever knew.

• Do You Feel What I Feel?
• The Holly and the Ivy at the Same Time
• O Come, All Ye Unfaithful
• God Rest Ye, Merry Gentleman
• Whose Child Is This?
• Away, in a Stranger

Tiger Woods, 2001 Upper Deck (Christmas Day 2014 Special)

Slick, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 7)

Name: Slick
From: Fort Worth, Texas
Signature move: Using his cane as a weapon
Value of card: A feather      not the one in his hat, one that has been on the ground for a week
Key 1990 stat: By far the best-dressed man at any WWF event
A man of all parts: Kenneth "Slick" Johnson has played many roles in his life      pro wrestling manager, haberdasher, doctor (of style), sunglasses model, international playboy, and reverend. But perhaps his brightest moment came in 1987, when he was featured on the multiplatinum "Piledriver: The Wrestling Album 2" with his hit "Jive Soul Bro." What better way to wrap up Pro Wrestling Week than with a song? Take it away, Slick.

Slick, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 7)

Al Holland, 1985 Fleer Superstar Special

Name: Al Holland
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The same card, cut in half
Key 1984 stat: Zero wooden shoes worn
A piece of the puzzle: For its 1985 set, Fleer added a handful of  Superstar Specials, including this one of "superstar" Al Holland, which is actually supposed to be paired with another card from the set. Can you guess who is on the other card?

(A) Johnny Oates
(B) Joe "Oats" DeMaestri
(C) The Quaker Oats guy
(D) Lee Tunnell
(E) Wait, it actually is Lee Tunnell? Fleer went with a reference to an underground thoroughfare that touches neither Philly nor Pittsburgh instead of a solid Hall and Oates reference? Gee, it's hard to imagine why they eventually went out of business.

Al Holland, 1985 Fleer Superstar Special

Ken Norton, 1995 Fleer Illustration Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 1)

Name: Ken Norton
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: All the paper-and-ink gems on those paper-and-ink rings
Key 1994 stat: Zero rings worn during games
Welcome to Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week: We really hit the ball out of the park (cough, cough) last year with Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week, so, with football just around the corner, we wanted to take the drug-fueled fun to the gridiron, too. Pack those bowls and grab some buds, we're supplying you with seven days of illustrated football posts only a stoner can appreciate.
Sleep tight, Kenny: Ken Norton was deep in the depths of a dream when he imagined himself dancing among the clouds, muscles flexed, as glittering rings rained down from the heavens. Oh, it was a glorious dream. And this was the song playing:

It's raining rings! Hallelujah!
It's raining rings! Amen!
Ken's gonna go out to run and let myself get
Absolutely soaking wet!
It's raining rings! Hallelujah!
It's raining rings! Ammmmmmeeennnnn!

Ken Norton, 1995 Fleer Illustration Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 1)

Conrad Dobler, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 203)

Name: Conrad Dobler
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Guard
Value of card: The same as if this card was ripped into tiny pieces
Key 1977 stat: Hair on only three-quarters of scalp
Conrad Dobler's musical train of thought from 9:45 to 9:47 a.m., Oct. 23, 1977: "Mister Trouble never hangs around when he hears this mighty sound: 'Here I come to save the day!' That means that Mighty Conrad's on his way. Yes sir, when there is a wrong to right, Mighty Conrad will join the fight. On the sea or on the land, he gets the situation well in hand. We're not worryin' at all. We're just listenin' for his call. 'Here I come to save the day!' That means that Mighty Conrad's on his way."

Conrad Dobler, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 203)

Alexi Lalas, 1994 Upper Deck World Cup (World Cup Week No. 5)

Name: Alexi Lalas
Team: USA
Position: Defender
Value of card: 2 ounces of ginger (the root)
Key 1993 stat: 4 pounds of ginger (the hair)
Top 10 Grateful Dead songs inspired by Alexi Lalas:
10) "(Ginger's) High Time"
9) "Touch Of Grey Red"
8) "Friend Of The Devil (And The Same Color)"
7) "Truckin' (To The Barber)"
6) "Eyes Of The World (Behind Those Shades)"
5) "(Really) Scarlet Begonias"
4) "Hell In A Bucket Mullet"
3) "Loser"
2) "Morning Dew 'Do"
1) "Fire (Crotch) on the Mountain"

Alexi Lalas, 1994 Upper Deck World Cup (World Cup Week No. 5)

Bernie Williams, 1998 Fleer Ultra

Name: Bernie Williams
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Six strings (actual pieces of string)
Key 1997 stat: 12 sold-out concerts (in his basement with only his cats in attendance)
10 love songs that Bernie Williams wrote in the 1990s:
10) "Striking Out on Love"
9) "My Dinger is Yours"
8) "Touch 'Em All"
7) "My Sweet Spot is You"
6) "The Hot Hot Corner"
5) "Much More than Chin Music"
4) "Bang-Bang Play"
3) "Caught Looking (At Your Butt)"
2) "The Rubber Game"
1) "In the Hole"

Bernie Williams, 1998 Fleer Ultra

Todd Zeile, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Todd Zeile
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Catcher
Value of card: One Zeile-yun dollars
Key 1990 stat: 1,052 times listening to Bell Biv Devoe
Interview transcript with Todd Zeile, circa 1990: 
Radio interviewer: "Welcome back, Cardinals fans, Mike Shannon here with the Mutual of Omaha Player of the Game Todd Zeile, who went 2-for-3 with the deciding homer today. He also took a pretty good shot to the noggin from Andre Dawson's backswing in the sixth, but toughed it out. Todd, you want to take off those headphones and tell me about that long ball?"
Todd Zeile: "Shh, shh, I'm listening to the postgame show! I think they're going to be talking to me this time! Ugh, too bad my head hurts."
RI: "Uh, Todd, this is the show. We're on live right now. So, how about that homer?"
TZ: "Come on, man, I can't hear the show with you yammering away like that. And can someone turn off that alarm clock! Geez. Ooh, is that a chocolate truffle?" (Attempts to eat the end of the interviewer's microphone)
RI: "Hey, stop that! That's not food! OK, we're going to take a break and see if we can get the trainer to have a look at Todd Zeile, here. From Busch Stadium, this is Mike Shannon signing off."
TZ: "Man, I can't get a good signal in this dugout. Screw this, I'm playing my Bell Biv Devoe CD again." (Starts singing) "That girl is poisonnnn, p-p-p-poison!"
 

Todd Zeile, 1991 Upper Deck

David Robinson, 1992-93 Skybox David Robinson Flagship Series (Heinous Hoops Week No. 4)

Name: David Robinson
Team: San Antonio Spurs
Position: Center
Value of card: Catching the last 12 seconds of Bob Seger's "Turn the Page" on the radio
Key 1992-93 stat: One smudge of blue paint
A legend from down under: Few people know that Australian rock band Men At Work used to be David Robinson's favorite music group. Indeed, when the Aussies broke up and stopped touring in 1986, The Admiral was crushed. Robinson, who knew the saxophone part to "Who Can It Be Now?" by heart, took it upon himself in the early '90s to form a Men at Work cover band, called Men at Lurk, in San Antonio. Robinson and his bandmates would play nightclubs and city parks before being chased off by bouncers, police officers, and members of the general public. But everything changed in 1996 when Men at Work founder Colin Hay, while visiting the Lone Star State, heard Men at Lurk covering "Down Under." Hay was so horrified by the poor attempt at his music that he immediately reformed his own band and got a restraining order against Robinson's group. The Admiral, saddened, locked himself in his bedroom and played the intro from George Michael's "Careless Whisper" for the next two days straight.

David Robinson, 1992-93 Skybox David Robinson Flagship Series (Heinous Hoops Week No. 4)

Randall Cunningham, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 7)

Name: Randall Cunningham, aka "Rocket Man"
Team: Fear-adelphia Eagles
Positions: Quarterback, shooting high through the air
Value of card: 11 dead birds (rotting ones)
Key 1993 splat: Zero completions with a metal football
Fun facts about Elton "Rocket Man" John and Randall "Rocket Man" Cunningham:

• "Rocket Man" Elton was a performer who wore flamboyant clothes made especially for him. "Rocket Man" Randall was a performer who wore flamboyant clothes made exclusively from trash.
• "Rocket Man" Elton has more than 40 top-10 hits. "Rocket Man" Randall has sustained more than his share of hits.
• "Rocket Man" Elton is known for songs including "Candle in the Wind" and "Bennie and the Jets." "Rocket Man" Randall is known for breaking wind and beating the Jets.
• "Rocket Man" Elton is an award-winning singer, songwriter, pianist and composer with English roots. "Rocket Man" Randall speaks English.
• "Rocket Man" Elton's ostentatious outfits included wide-brimmed hats and high-heeled shoes. "Rocket Man" Randall's above outfit includes a garbage-can hat and one shoe that doubled as an iron lung.

Randall Cunningham, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 7)

John Randle, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 4)

Name: John Randle, aka "Runaway Train"
Team: Minnesota Spikings
Positions: Defensive line, locomotive
Value of card: A lump of coal in the caboose
Key 1994 splat: Went around making "choo-choo" noises even when not wearing the costume
The first two verses of Soul Asylum's "Runaway Train," tailored in honor of this absurd card and the great John Randle:

Call me up in the middle of the night / Want me to wear a helmet with a light
I got there with my anger burning / There's some fools who could use a little learning

So much makeup that I couldn't even see / What the hell are they putting on me?
Iron pads with rivets in the seams / A metal boot that's shooting out some steam

It seems no one can help me now / Can't turn my head / There's no way out
I really want to punch someone in the face

Runaway Train, gonna make a sack / Gonna break this makeup artist's back
Seems like I should be better than this / Instead my hat is spewing out some mist

Now this guy is telling me to smile / He's telling me I should relax for a while
He can't hear me through this facemask / I'm telling him I'm gonna kick his ass

Oh no! Tin gloves that are yellow! / I know my temper's gonna blow
Here I come just to dole out some pain / How dare you laugh at this Runaway Train

Metal shavings in my eye / I hate this day / I want to die
Gears glued on my head? I just can't believe it

Runaway Train, gonna make a sack / Gonna break this photographer's back
Seems like I should be better than this / Instead my hat is spewing out some mist

John Randle, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 4)

Joe Lavender, 1981 Topps (Football Friday No. 175)

Name: Joe Lavender
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: If we told you, you'd be blue
Key 1980 stat: 28 times taking the field dressed like this
We heard it through the lavender vine: Man, Joe Lavender was a cool dude. Check out those glasses. And that headband. And that beard. But what you might not know — despite the radical blue microphone on this card — is that Joe Lavender was the lead singer of an early 1980s funk-soul group, The Head Band. All the members wore sunglasses and football jerseys and, of course, headbands. They were, so to speak, a colorful group. Put your hands together for the members of The Head Band:

• Tony Turquoise
• Ron Burgundy
• Ferdinand Goldenrod
• Penny Peach
• Hugo Silver
• Black Jack
• George Washington Redskin

Joe Lavender, 1981 Topps (Football Friday No. 175)

Randy Johnson, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 6)

Name: Randy Johnson
Team: Seattle Mariners
Positions: Ace, drummer
Value of card: One dropped beat
Key 1995 stat: Looked ridiculous not once but twice on this card
Hit singles you may have heard from Randy Johnson and his Seattle grunge band, Mother Love Dome: 

• "Man in the Batter's Box"
• "Hunger Strike Three"
• "No Rain Delay"
• "Cherub Walk"
• "Jeromy (Burnitz)"
• "Black Home Run"
• "Smells Like Team's Jock Straps"

Randy Johnson, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 6)

Roy Lee Jackson, 1984 Fleer

Name: Roy Lee Jackson
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A few (out-of-tune) notes
Key 193 stat: One national anthem sung, with no more invitations to do so again — ever
Roy Lee Jackson's "Star-Spangled Banner" lyrics, circa 1983:
Jose can you see by Juan's early light,
What so proudly we wailed at "Highlights'" last reading,
Whose broad gripes with spite hard through a perilous fight,
O'er the ram's parts we watched, were so gallantly creaming?
And the rocks and red air, the bombs bursting in glare,
Gave proof to the knight that the hag was still there;
O say how much does that star banner thing weigh,
Over the land of the trees and the home of the Jays.

Roy Lee Jackson, 1984 Fleer

Webster Slaughter, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 24)

Name: Webster Slaughter
Team: Cleveland Browns
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 14 zombie warts
Key 1991 stat: $250 earned as backup dancer in Michael Jackson's "Thriller"
Can you hear that?

It's close to midgame, and something evil's lurking on the field
Under the game lights, you see a receiver who almost stops your heart
You try to scream, but Kosar throws the pass before you make it
You start to freeze as Slaughter looks you right between the eyes
You're paralyzed

'Cause this is Slaughter, thriller night
And he ain't gonna save you from the linebacker about to strike
You know it's Slaughter, thriller night
You're fighting for the ball inside a killer, thriller, Slaughter night

You hear the play call and realize there's nowhere left to run
You have the cold hand and wonder if you'll ever see the ball
You close your eyes and hope this is only imagination
But all the while you hear the Kosar throwing from behind
You're out of time

'Cause this is Slaughter, thriller night
And he ain't gonna save you from the linebacker about to strike
You know it's Slaughter, thriller night
You're fighting for the ball inside a killer, thriller, Slaughter night

Webster Slaughter, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 24)

Jack McDowell, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sidelines Week No. 5)

Name: Jack McDowell
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Ace (of Base)
Value of card: Two drink tickets at McDowell's concert (you're gonna need them)
Key 1991 stat: 42 times talked to an angel
10 early 1990s alt-rock stories that could have applied to rocker-pitcher Jack McDowell:
10) He covered Bryan Adams' "(Everything I Do) I Do It for You" while wearing a conch-shell necklace.
9) He did a college radio commercial during which he just sighed in different tones for 30 seconds.
8) He moved to Seattle, then realized he didn't play for the Mariners.
7) He gave Alanis Morissette a "jagged little pill," if you know what we mean.
6) He "totally wrote the words 'mellon collie and infinite sadness' on a bar napkin three years — three full years, bro — before those corporate-sellout hacks the Smashing Pumpkins used it as an album title."
5) He did MTV's "Unplugged" — in his own garage.
4) He often complained, in a beaten-down tone, that the mainstream just didn't understand his goatee.
3) He had to be rushed to a hospital after nearly drowning in flannel.
2) He once stormed off the stage because a 43-year-old mother of four in the front row was wearing the same vest as him.
1) He and his band, Stickfigure, reached the "pinnacle" of their career when they played at The Peach Pit After Dark in the background of a "Beverly Hills 90210" episode.

Jack McDowell, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sidelines Week No. 5)

Dwight Smith, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sidelines Week No. 3)

Name: Dwight Smith
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A piece of Wrigley gum, chewed and stuck under a seat
Key 1991 stat: Hit more notes than baseballs
Cut his mike: Some of you may recall that Chicago Cubs outfielder Dwight Smith in 1989 became the first MLB rookie to sing the national anthem before a game. Smith went on to sing the anthem several more times, becoming more and more confident each time he held the mike. What you may not remember is that prior to one 1991 contest, Smith belted out the "Star-Spangled Banner" and followed it up with renditions of "Sex Machine" and Bell Biv Devoe's "Do Me" before launching into a raunchy stand-up routine stolen verbatim from Andrew "Dice" Clay. Fans were disgusted and Smith's manager was furious, but Harry Caray loved every minute of the performance, calling it "the best thing I've seen since those two weirdos with the lions at the casino."

Dwight Smith, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sidelines Week No. 3)

Jim Eisenreich, 1997 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: Jim Eisenreich
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One used paper towel
Key 1996 stat: Cursed constantly, though it had nothing to do with him having Tourette syndrome
Sad but true: Jim Eisenreich made the horns sign everywhere he went      on the base paths, in the dugout, at the mall, even during family dinner night at Applebee's. But try as he might, the poor guy never got anyone to fall for the bait and make his dream come true. No, nobody ever called him "Jim Eisenrock."

Jim Eisenreich, 1997 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Jerry Reuss, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Jerry Reuss
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Old pitcher
Value of card: 4 ounces of arm hair
Key 1989 stats: 20th big-league season, still no fans
Everybody clap your hands: In an effort to help veteran lefty Jerry Reuss relate to the kids, the photographer from Upper Deck told Reuss to act like he was in a music video. Then he had to explain to Reuss what a music video was. What song is Reuss crooning to the camera in the above shot?

A) "The Incontinence Rag"
B) "The Kids On My Lawn Blues"
C) "The Broken Hip Hop"
D) "The Arthritis Swing"
E) "The Incontinence Rag"      wait, we already said that one? OK, how about "The Senility Shuffle?"

Jerry Reuss, 1989 Upper Deck