Fred Manrique, 1989 Fleer

Name: Fred Manrique
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Second base
Value of card: One white sock
Key 1988 stat: Lost all of his bottom teeth
Ways in which Fred put the "man" in "Manrique":

• Grew a mustache both outside and inside his upper lip
• Caught fish by using nothing but an old mesh jersey
• Started campfires using only flint, steel, and his glasses
• Belched so loudly that it cleared out an entire stadium
• Despite the photographic evidence, lifted weights nonstop
• Could seduce a woman just by giving her a slack-jawed stare

Submitted by Douglas Corti

Fred Manrique, 1989 Fleer

Rich Batchelor, 1991 Classic Best

Name: Rich Batchelor
Team: Fort Lauderdale Yankees
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 square inches of tarp
Key 1990 stat: Zero runs allowed during rain delays
Yankees' scouting report on pitching prospect Rich Batchelor: "From our research, he does well in an empty stadium with no other players on the field. ... Despite being a Batchelor, we don't need to worry about him getting sidetracked with the ladies. ... If he doesn't work out, we could deal him to the 'Revenge of the Nerds' production team. ... We can foresee a future on the New York Yankees, as the assistant to the traveling secretary. ... Rich Batchelor, poor pitcher."

Card submitted by Al Filipczak

Rich Batchelor, 1991 Classic Best

Rich Gedman, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Rich Gedman
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Gum, scraped off your shoe
Key 1990 stat: Squinted even more than he squatted
Houston, we have a pop quiz: Who is Rich Gedman impersonating in the above photo?

(A) Dieter from "Sprockets"
(B) Someone who just had one of those bats jammed where the sun don't shine
(C) A mannequin
(D) A professional baseball player
(E) None of the above      that's how he always looked

Rich Gedman, 1991 Upper Deck

Rob Murphy, 1990 Upper Deck

Name: Rob Murphy
Team: Boston Red Sox
Positions: Pitcher, IT guy
Value of card: One Angelfire account
Key 1989 stat: Owned three brick cellphones
Sporcle's got nothing on this quiz: Why couldn't Rob Murphy come in to pitch in the eighth inning?

A) He was busy doing research for a paper on LexisNexis
B) He had dropped his laptop on his foot, resulting in an amputation
C) His teammates had stuffed him into a locker after giving him a nuclear wedgie
D) His computer had overheated, putting him on the DL with third-degree groin burns
E) He got his floppy disk stuck in his zipper

Rob Murphy, 1990 Upper Deck

Mario Mendoza, 1981 Donruss

Name: Mario Mendoza
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Infield
Value of card: Well below .200
Key 1980 stat: .245 batting average (True! Take that, a-hole haters!)
Let's take a look at Mario Mendoza, By the Numbers:

.200: The Mendoza Line, named for Mario Mendoza
.215: Mendoza's career batting average
.015: Batting average points that humanity will never acknowledge

.180: 1975 batting average
.185: 1976 batting average
.198: 1977 batting average
.563: Combined batting average of all three years, if you add them, like Mendoza would when talking to ladies, rather than average them

.200: Baseball's Mendoza Line
200: References to the "Line" that Mendoza hears each week
200: Generations of the Mendoza family who will suffer in shame from the label

Mario Mendoza, 1981 Donruss

Orel Hershiser, 1994 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Orel Hershiser
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Ace
Value of card: 16 blades of dry grass
Key 1993 stat: 11,765 hours spent going over the Dewey Decimal System
It's time for another installment of The Caption, which we're told ran in the Los Angeles Daily News in 1993: "Los Angeles Dodgers starting pitcher Orel Hershiser, left, who apparently works as a librarian in the offseason, shops at a Los Angeles-area Home Depot for specialty sod that he plans to install at Dodger Stadium because he read 11 books on the differences between Kentucky bluegrass and Bermuda grass and he has concluded that a new playing surface would qualitatively benefit his teammates by providing them a 15 percent increase in one-run victories when compared with the past five years' average, all while trying to ignore the Pittsburgh Pirates player behind him who keeps trying to hide by covering his face even though his body is sticking out in the open Thursday in Burbank."

Orel Hershiser, 1994 Topps Stadium Club

Mark McGwire, 1993 Donruss Triple Play Little Hotshots

Name: Mark McGwire
Team: Farm League A's
Position: On one knee
Value of card: Awkwardness
Key 1992 1974 or so stat: Wore a glove made out of balsa wood
Ah, memories: Who does Mark McGwire look like in this charming photo?

A) Napoleon Dynamite
B) Mark McGwire's spinster aunt, Frances McGwire
C) That kid who had an asthma attack after getting wedgied in middle school (yeah, OK, that was us)
D) The most juiced-up 8-year-old in all of California
E) Somebody who would once hit 70 home runs in a season. In Nintendo R.B.I. Baseball, that is.

Mark McGwire, 1993 Donruss Triple Play Little Hotshots

George Alusik, 1962 Topps

Name: George Alusik
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Neck lumps
Key 1961 stat: Was 26 years old; looked 46
By George: What nickname did Mr. Alusik's teammates use for him in 1962?

A) Throat Bulge Alusik
B) George Are-You-Sick
C) George Alu-Sit-On-The-Bench
D) That Weenie Who Can't Hit
E) All of the above

George Alusik, 1962 Topps

Fred Breining, 1985 Topps

Name: Fred Breining
Team: Montreal Expos
Positions: Pitcher, stuffed in locker
Value of card: Hard to see any value here
Key 1985 stat: Didn't play a game in the big leagues
More great work, Topps: Here we have Fred Breining, one of the least photogenic people to ever walk the Earth. The 18-pound glasses, the flowing blond-ish mullet, the sense that he can't actually see anything in focus, even with those spectacles. But where Topps really takes the cake here is with Breining's "outfit." You see, the pitcher was with the Expos all of the 1984 season. Sure, he only played in four games due to a shoulder injury, but apparently Topps was unable for more than a year to get a photographer north of the border to get a shot of him, even just standing around. Instead, they bestowed upon us this treasure, showing Breining, clearly in Candlestick Park, with an airbrushed hat and a jacket so heavily doctored it looks like he's wearing a satin sheet as a cloak. That's just great, guys, you should really take pride in this effort. *puking sounds*

Card suggested by Tyler Kepner

Fred Breining, 1985 Topps

Tom Henke, 1989 Donruss

Name: Tom Henke
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Closer
Value of card: Contempt
Key 1988 stat: One grudge held against the Bust
Impenetrable padding: What is Tom Henke hiding under that jacket?

A) 215 pounds of mean ol' country boy
B) 215 pounds of ham radio equipment
C) 215 pounds of insulation
D) 215 pounds of the finest Canadian porno
E) 860 pounds of all of the above

Tom Henke, 1989 Donruss

Paul Gibson, 1989 Score

Name: Paul Gibson
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Not enough to hold onto it
Key 1989 stat: This card was seen by thousands and thousands of laughing children
Not blurry enough: There are two people in this photo, Paul Gibson and infielder Luis Salazar. Let's see how they fare in The Matchup.

Round 1: Bigger attention-grabber (Winner: Gibson)
Round 2: Bigger grabber of other things (Winner: Salazar)
Round 3: Well-adjusted (Winner: Gibson)
Round 4: About to be even better adjusted (Winner: Salazar)
Round 5: Scratching the surface of his talent (Winner: Gibson)
Round 6: Scratching the surface of his tallywhacker (Winner: Salazar)
Round 7: More sane (Winner: Gibson)
Round 8: Just plain nuts (Winner: Salazar)
Round 9: Poor timing that caused a card company to airbrush out part of his arm (Winner: Salazar)

Final score: Salazar 5, Gibson 4

Synopsis: Poor Paul Gibson. First, he gets mocked for being a giant nerd, now he can't even win a Matchup on his own card, thanks to some utility guy scratching himself at exactly the wrong moment. It doesn't take glasses as thick as Gibson's to see that he just can't win.

Paul Gibson, 1989 Score

Craig McMurtry, 1987 Blue Jays Fire Safety Set

Name: Craig McMurtry
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 18 burnt mustache hairs
Key 1987 stat: Didn't do nothin'
Quotable quote from the back of the card: "Craig McMurtry says this about smoke: 'Every team should have a pitcher that throws it. Every home should have an alarm that detects it.'"
Stop, drop and gag: Here are some of the ways in which the above card does and does not promote fire safety.

• It promotes fire safety by eschewing the use of loud, incendiary colors in favor of a simple black-and-white, homemade color scheme.
• It does not promote fire safety in that it lies about Craig McMurtry being a Blue Jay. Dude never threw a pitch for the team. Liar, liar, pants on fire!
• It promotes fire safety by using a photo of McMurtry taken off a TV screen rather than having him drive in and get his muffler all hot.
• It does not promote fire safety by flaunting all that arm hair. Those limbs are just a tinderbox, ready to blow!
• It promotes fire safety by having McMurtry wear those glasses rather than use them to fry insects or       considering the size of the lenses       small cities.
• It does not promote fire safety by inducing a coma just by looking at it. Come on, man, we could have had a candle burning!

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Craig McMurtry, 1987 Blue Jays Fire Safety Set

Chuck Finley, 1994 Upper Deck

Name: Chuck Finley
Team: California Angels
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One Kenny G cassette tape
Key 1993 stat: Zero notes played in tune
Top 10 cover bands Chuck Finley pretended he formed:
10) Van Flailin'
9) Bruce Swingsteen and the E-3 Band
8) Ice T-ball
7) Rage Against the Pitching Machine
6) Pink Cliff Floyd
5) System of a Rundown
4) The Uncle Charlie Daniels Band
3) Yo La Swingo
2) The Who's On First
1) ... And You Shall Know Us By the Trail of Tobacco Spit

Chuck Finley, 1994 Upper Deck

Tom Hume, 1987 Topps

Name: Tom Hume
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 2 ounces of palm sweat
Key 1986 stat: 3 square feet of eyeglasses
Here's what Tom "Toxic" Hume stands for:

This photo appears to have been taken at a municipal park
Obsessed with keeping the baseball warm at all times
Maroon: Good description for the color of the uniform and the man himself

Hard to tell whether that's stubble, shadow or dirt under his chin
Upturned nose resembles a pig's
Metric ton of glass on his face
Electric stuff       not his fastball, the gear for his ham radio hobby

Tom Hume, 1987 Topps

Bob Griese, 1981 Topps (Football Friday No. 136)

Name: Bob Griese
Teams: Miami Dolphins, "Revenge of the Nerds" movie cast
Position: Dorky quarterback
Value of card: 12,321 x 876 / 14 + 1,298 - 716 x 0 = 0
Key 1980 stat: Don't get this dweeb started on stats
10 things Bob Griese said the day this photo was taken:
10) "Hold your horses, cowboy, (laugh snort) and let me calculate the yardage (laugh snort)."
9) "Have you ever heard of a paper Dolphin?"
8) "I don't really see myself as an athlete. Actually, I can't really see at all."
7) "OK, I'll cut the crap and give Grandma her glasses back."
6) "No, you listen. I want a phallic microphone on the card because I'm going to be an announcer."
5) "So, we put on these helmets for a 'Pokemon' tourney?"
4) "What do you mean I've been CTRL-Alt-Del? Is that some kind of crack?"
3) "Gee whiz, what is this brown, oblong object the muscular gentleman just threw at me?"
2) "The last part of my pads that I put on is my pocket protector."
1) "Man, these glasses sure are Griese."

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Bob Griese, 1981 Topps (Football Friday No. 136)

Darrell Evans, 2001 Topps American Pie

Name: Darrell Evans
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Third base
Value of card: One apple core
Key 1973 stat: Jersey tightly tucked into pants
A handful of things that are scarcely believable about Darrell Evans, based on looking at this photo (at least one of which is true):

• Darrell Evans had sex that year. No, really, with a woman and everything!
• He owned clothes that actually fit him.
• He hit 41 home runs in 1973. Yeah, over the fence!
• In later years, he looked like a pretty normal dude.
• The number 22 written on the knob of his bat isn't his number — it's the number of times his teammates beat him up each week.

Darrell Evans, 2001 Topps American Pie

Keith Atherton, 1989 Fleer

Name: Keith Atherton
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Nothing; not even a bad joke or a tired pun; just nothing
Key 1988 stat: No chance this guy ever stepped on a field
This can't be correct: Nope, we don't believe it. We here at The Bust might have spent our formative years embarrassing our fathers with our field-of-play performances, but we don't think this guy is a real athlete. We don't usually make fun of people's appearances (cough, cough) but c'mon, look at this guy. Can't you hear his mother, just off camera, telling young Keith to lift his hat off his eyes so the nice photographer can take his picture? How did this guy pick out his glasses? "Um, excuse me, sir. Does your store (snort) happen to have any really thick lenses with clear frames? I (snort) need them to match my pocket protector." The only thing we can see this guy pitching is a tent outside an Atari store the night before "Centipede" was released. This guy's squinting and sickly skin tone are proof he hasn't seen the sun in months. Heck, even his shadow looks like it could have programmed your VCR. And that mustache, oh man. That thing is anything but big league; it has nearly as many holes as his mesh jersey. Bottom line: We're pretty sure the only time this guy has played with the twins was when he roomed with the Lewandowski brothers at band camp in 1984.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Keith Atherton, 1989 Fleer

Fred Breining, 1983 Donruss

Name: Fred Breining
Team: San Franicisco Giants
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Nerd!
Key 1982 stat: NERRRRRD!
Blatant fraud: We're not entirely sure how it happened, but Timothy Busfield from "Revenge of the Nerds" passed himself off as a baseball pitcher and got his own card under a different name. In the process, he's the fourth actor from the movie to make the Bust. First there was this guy. Then, this guy. And this guy. Fine work. Mr. Busfield. Fine work, indeed.

Fred Breining, 1983 Donruss

Tom Henke, 1988 Fleer All-Star Team

Name: Tom Henke
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Closer
Value of card: Three dead blue jays in a shoebox
Key 1987 stat: Three blue jays shot with a pellet gun, placed in a shoebox, left on The Bust's doorstep
Our apologies, Mr. Henke: Whoa, whoa, whoa. This isn't the Tom Henke we here at The Bust know. This nerd is.  The guy above looks like a tough guy, despite the windshields over his eyes. With his mouth closed, you don't see the jagged snaggleteeth. When the photo isn't a mugshot surrounded by a blinding yellow border, you see Henke is a 6-foot-5, 215-pound country boy who threw hard and wore his mesh harder. Sure, he's wearing 3-inch-thick nerd glasses, but when you see him staring at you with a look of contempt, it makes you think he'd like to smash the glasses on the ground and use the shards to stab you in the neck. So, let us apologize, Mr. Henke. We are sorry we labeled you a dork after seeing the 1988 Topps all-star card a few years ago. Clearly, Fleer has given us a new view of you. You might be a nerd, but you're a nerd who could break a few faces back in the 1980s.

Tom Henke, 1988 Fleer All-Star Team

Brian Barber, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Name: Brian Barber

Team: St. Louis Cardinals

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: A wasted first-round draft pick

Key 1991 stat: Zero girlfriends

Cardinals scouting report on first-round pick Brian Barber, circa 1991: "He's a little young — we're hoping he goes through puberty before too much longer. ... Wears his watch on the underside of his wrist. Yeah, he's one of those people. ... Has a wider variety of polo shirts than pitches. ... Last name may be a better career fit than big leaguer. ... If this kid was any greener, he'd be a frog. ... Definitely has the potential to help our AA club win a few games. ... Got an "A" on his history research paper junior year, so that's gotta be worth something. ... Says Bob Tewksbury is his role model. We're pretty sure nobody has ever said that before. ... Refuses to eat regular hot dogs. He'll only eat the kind with the cheese inside."

Brian Barber, 1992 Topps Draft Pick