Jaromir Jagr, 1991-92 Topps Stadium Club (Another Hockey Week No. 3)

Name: Jaromir Jagr
Team: Pittsburgh Penguins
Position: Right wing
Value of card: An empty bottle of Jager
Key 1991-92 stat: Singlehandedly kept four Pittsburgh-area hairdressers in business
Scouting report on Penguins rookie hotshot Jaromir Jagr: "He looks good on the ice, but not nearly as good as he does in a linen suit. ... In the running for the Calder Trophy, but he's already swept mullet competitions throughout the Great Lakes region. ... His stick-handling so far is outpacing his ability to handle a clip-on tie. ... Will likely never suffer a concussion, given that under his helmet, he has another helmet. ... Tastes great when mixed with Dr Pepper. ... Overall, this kid's got a very high ceiling      and with that haircut, he's gonna need it."

Jaromir Jagr, 1991-92 Topps Stadium Club (Another Hockey Week No. 3)

Slick, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 7)

Name: Slick
From: Fort Worth, Texas
Signature move: Using his cane as a weapon
Value of card: A feather      not the one in his hat, one that has been on the ground for a week
Key 1990 stat: By far the best-dressed man at any WWF event
A man of all parts: Kenneth "Slick" Johnson has played many roles in his life      pro wrestling manager, haberdasher, doctor (of style), sunglasses model, international playboy, and reverend. But perhaps his brightest moment came in 1987, when he was featured on the multiplatinum "Piledriver: The Wrestling Album 2" with his hit "Jive Soul Bro." What better way to wrap up Pro Wrestling Week than with a song? Take it away, Slick.

Slick, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 7)

Gorilla Monsoon, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 6)

Name: Gorilla Monsoon
From: Manchuria
Signature moves: Airplane Spin, announcing other wrestlers' signature moves
Value of card: One DVD copy of "Gorillas in the Mist" with a big scratch on it
Key 1990 stat: Surprisingly, afraid of both apes and summer thunderstorms
Clearing up some rumors about Gorilla Monsoon:

• Gorilla Monsoon did not work part-time as a strip club doorman. But he did know the doorman by name.
• Gorilla Monsoon did not dye his hair. He just slept better when his head was covered in motor oil.
• Gorilla Monsoon is not the first person in history to make a red tuxedo look good. Nobody has made a red tuxedo look good.
• Gorilla Monsoon was, in fact, a pro wrestler before becoming the WWF's play-by-play announcer. So he was used to looking this ridiculous.
• Gorilla Monsoon was not his real name, of course. His real name was Gorilla Haboob.

Gorilla Monsoon, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 6)

"Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 5)

Name: "Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase
From: Palm Beach, Fla.
Signature move: Million Dollar Dream
Value of card: Every card has a price (this one is just really, really low)
Key 1989 stat: Zero real gems or gold on that belt
Some of the things that money, apparently, couldn't buy:

• A tuxedo not made of school supplies
• A proper BeDazzler
• A real championship belt
• A decent hair dye job
• The realization that, these days, a million dollars really isn't that much money, especially if all of an individual's assets are assessed
• Dignity

"Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 5)

Virgil, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 1)

Name: Virgil
From: Pittsburgh, Pa.
Signature move: Million Dollar Dream
Value of card: One sleeve
Key 1990 stat: Biceps twice as big as head
Down for the count: The Bust is primarily a bad baseball card site (and a site for bad baseball cards), but we have occasionally featured other sports. Soccer, hockey, tennis and even rowing have made appearances over the years. So has wrestling      just not the kind that offers monthly pay-per-view specials for $44.95. This week, we're righting that wrong and digging up some of the finest superstars the then-WWF had to offer in 1990. Good God almighty!

It's a pop quiz smackdown: Which of these descriptions best fits the man on the above card?

(A) Virgil was a Chippendale dancer who never heeded management's advice that he should shave his arms.
(B) Virgil was an ancient Roman poet whose greatest works included the epic "Aeneid."
(C) Virgil served as a bodyguard for Ted "The Million Dollar Man" DiBiase, and was later known as Vincent and, somehow, Curly Bill.
(D) Virgil is the loneliest man on the Internet.
(E) All of the above.

Virgil, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 1)

Lou Brock and Rickey Henderson, 1991 Upper Deck

Names: Lou Brock and Rickey Henderson
Teams: St. Louis Cardinals and Oakland A's
Positions: Outfield
Value of card: Two soiled clip-on bow ties and matching pocket squares
Key 1991 stat: One fake fight

Brock and Henderson, by the numbers:

938: Career stolen bases by Lou Brock, a record until May 1, 1991
939: New stolen-base mark, set by Rickey Henderson on May 1, 1991
940: Times Rickey referred to himself in the third person on May 1, 1991

335: Times Rickey Henderson was caught stealing, an MLB record
307: Times Lou Brock was caught stealing, second all-time
302: Times Rickey was caught checking himself out in the mirror before this photo shoot

2: Rented tuxedos in the above photo
2: Bow ties and pocket squares from a high school drama department in the above photo
1: Record-setting thief who would "forget" to return his outfit after the shoot. Hey, Rickey be Rickey.

Lou Brock and Rickey Henderson, 1991 Upper Deck

Reggie Miller and Cheryl Miller, 1994 Upper Deck USA Basketball (NBA Playoffs Week No. 2)

Names: Reggie and Cheryl Miller
Team: Team Saddest Prom Night
Positions: Guard, forward
Value of card: As much awkwardness as you can fit in a photo
Key 1994 stat: Endless chants of "Cheryl's better!"
It's another family Matchup:

Round 1: Awesome haircut (Winner: Cheryl)
Round 2: Jacket big enough for the whole family (Winner: Reggie)
Round 3: Looks completely comfortable (Winner: Tie      neither)
Round 4: Got along better with Spike Lee (Winner: Cheryl)
Round 5: Worked with a guy nicknamed the Dunking Dutchman (Winner: Reggie)
Round 6: Less dorky (Winner: Cheryl, barely)
Round 7: More likely to survive being hit by that basketball-shaped meteor (Winner: Cheryl)

Final score: Cheryl 4, Reggie 2 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: Reggie may have once scored 8 points in 9 seconds, but he wasn't quick enough to beat his sister today. Once again, Mr. Miller, Cheryl is better.

Reggie Miller and Cheryl Miller, 1994 Upper Deck USA Basketball (NBA Playoffs Week No. 2)

Tony Mandarich, 1989 Score (Football Friday No. 193)

Name: Tony Mandarich
Team: Green Bay Packers
Position: Offensive tackle
Value of card: Not a lot of green
Key 1988 stat: 425 pounds of weights burgers lifted
Green Bay Packers' scouting report on 1989 rookie Tony Mandarich: "With a dome like that, we won't have to waste money on a helmet for him. ... We'll need to check to make sure both his eyes work. ... Sweater shows he has style; still no word on his substance. ... No chance this guy turns out to be one of the biggest first-round busts of all-time. No chance. ... We'll need to teach him how to thicken up that stringy mullet. ... Sure, he has 'man' and 'rich' in his last name, but 'duh' would have been more appropriate than 'da.' ... If he doesn't have a future on the Green Bay Packers, he probably has a future with the Sears Warehouse Packers."

Tony Mandarich, 1989 Score (Football Friday No. 193)

Lem Barney, 1992 Pro Line Portraits Throwbacks (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 39)

Name: Lem Barney
Team: Detroit Lions
Position: Cornerback 
Value of card: About as much as the snow in that old photo
Key 1992 stat: Wore a tie when, clearly, a cravat was called for
Time for a fancy-shmancy pop quiz: What's Lem Barney all dressed up for?

A) The Player Hater's Ball
B) A new session of Parliament
C) A Sherlock Holmes cosplay event
D) A trip to the Applebee's
E) A photo session for a surreal set of football cards

Lem Barney, 1992 Pro Line Portraits Throwbacks (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 39)

Barry Bonds, 1993 Topps Stadium Club Ultra Pro

Name:  Barry Bonds
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Tuxedo sweat
Key 1992 stat: Head not yet the size of an asteroid
What's got Barry dressed up all fancy like?

A) His induction into the Baseball Hall of Fame (ha ha, nope)
B) A Christmas Eve dinner with buddy Vic Conte
C) Baseball fans and writers are throwing a gala in his honor
D) Court
E) All of the above (except A and C, of course)

Barry Bonds, 1993 Topps Stadium Club Ultra Pro

Dick Harter, 1989-90 NBA Hoops (Heinous Hoops Week No. 7)

Name: Dick "Don't Call Me Richard" Harter
Team: Charlotte Hornets
Position: Coach
Value of card: One commercial for Cialis
Key 1989-90 stat: Constantly chuckled at
Yes, we're 13 years old: Dick Harter. Say it out loud. Dick. Harter. Huh-huh. Huh-huh-huh. Dick Harter. Who will Dick Harter insert into the game next? Huh-huh-huh. Dick Harter prefers rigid defense. Huh-huh. Dick Harter has a stiff coaching style. Huh-huh.

Dick Harter, 1989-90 NBA Hoops (Heinous Hoops Week No. 7)

Greg Blosser, 1992 Bowman

Name: Greg Blosser
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Six bottle caps flattened with a steamroller and stuck in asphalt
Key 1991 stat: 46 resumes submitted
10 reasons Greg Blosser didn't get the job at the local cellphone store:
10) He forgot to wear pants to the interview.
9) The interviewer was afraid of invisible facial hair.
8) The diamond on his shirt pocket read, "Bosses are for suckers."
7) He said he would only sell "the Zack Morris special."
6) Two words: mullet intimidation.
5) He shouldn't have submitted a Sears portrait in place of a resume
4) His Arizona jeans collared shirt interfered with cellphone reception.
3) The interviewer didn't like that he partied, even if it was only a party in the back and business in the front.
2) His grandfather interrupted the interview and asked for his tie back.
1) He said he played baseball; the interviewer laughed him out of the room.

Greg Blosser, 1992 Bowman

Alex Gonzalez, 1992 Bowman

Name: Alex Gonzalez
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: 10 of those shirt collar "stays" you're always losing
Key 1991 stat: 44 "Saved by the Bell" episodes watched
It's time for a 1990s-licious pop quiz:

Why did teenager Alex Gonzalez wear that tie?

(A) His mom told him to.
(B) To distract people from his shirt.
(C) It was Sears catalog photo shoot day.
(D) He wanted to prove his patriotism with something brighter than fireworks.
(E) He had an uproarious sense of humor.
(F) All of the above

Alex Gonzalez, 1992 Bowman

Mike Piazza, 1993 Ultra Pro

Name: Mike Piazza
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: Catcher, tuxedoed
Value of card: One of the pins from a dress shirt
Key 1993 stat: 12 meatballs pulled from Tommy Lasorda's golf bag
A winner is you: As mentioned above, Mike Piazza was named the 1993 N.L. Rookie of the Year. Here are some other awards and honors this slugging squatter has taken home in his lifetime.

• Second place, 1993 Los Angeles Mullet Grand Prix
• Preferred customer at Big Joe's Hair Grease Emporium
• First place in the 1993 ITAMODYJFTSYL (Is that a Mustache or did You Just Forget to Shave Your Lip?) Cup
• Earned 5 percent off his next rental at Men's Wearhouse for returning the above tux early
• Won an Oscar for Best Fictional Screenplay for "Mr. Piazza Goes to Cooperstown"

Mike Piazza, 1993 Ultra Pro

Darren Daulton, 1993 Donruss Triple Play Little Hotshots

Name: Darren Daulton
Team: Butler County Farm Level All-Stars
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 15 minutes of detention
Key 1992 stat: Baseball card companies were still using this same background 
One, two, three: Keeping with the notion put forth by Donruss of the triple play, here are three strange things about li'l Dutch:

1. Despite being only 10 years old, Daulton had already been charged with his first of many DUIs.
2. Despite his olive skin, his mom decided it would be a good idea to throw an olive-colored shirt on him for school picture day. GOSH, THANKS, MOM!
3. Despite sporting a peasant's bowl haircut, Daulton is wearing a striped silk cravat, like some sort of French gentleman.

Darren Daulton, 1993 Donruss Triple Play Little Hotshots

Bob Murdoch, 1990-91 Pro Set (Hockey Week No. 3)

Name: Bob Murdoch
Team: Winnipeg Jets®
Position: National Hockey League Coach
Value of card: $3 coupon off your choice of tie at the Men's Warehouse (expired)
Key 1989-90 stat: Six ice cubes in his gin and tonic
The craft at its best: Photojournalism is about more than just getting the prettiest shot and framing it perfectly — which, for the sake of the photographer responsible for this shot, is a good thing. Photojournalism, at its best, is about catching the moment. It's that second or two when something meaningful happens, when the world changes, when emotions hit a crescendo. This photo, despite being an abomination of style, structure and all-around composition, catches one of those moments. Bob Murdoch, who, despite what this cards says, coached the Winnipeg Jets and not the entire National Hockey League, screams up at the owner's box after being handed a stack of walking papers while on the bench with his team during a game against the Toronto Maple Leafs. Murdoch is furious, but he doesn't have much of an argument to make. In Winnipeg, wins come second behind handsome neck attire, and the blinding bright-red tie that Murdoch sported every game just couldn't compete with the tricolor, candy-striped gem his soon-to-be replacement wore. His replacement who, as you can see, was already positioned right behind Murdoch, waiting for the moment the coach would be handed his walking papers. How do you like that sportcoat, eh?

Bob Murdoch, 1990-91 Pro Set (Hockey Week No. 3)

Eric Karros and Dave Hansen, 1993 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Names: Eric Karros, left, and Dave Hansen
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: First base, pinch hitter extraordinaire
Value of card: Three squirts of gel, rubbed in your chest hair
Key 1992 stat: One debutante ball attended (together)
It's time for a well-dressed edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Timeless style (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Anything-but-timeless hairstyles (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Superman curl (Winner: Karros)
Round 4: Resume as a pro (Winner: Karros)
Round 5: Resume as "ultra" (Winner: Hansen)
Round 6: Ability to hit in a pinch (Winner: Hansen)
Round 7: Ability to read lines as a Hollywood bit actor in a pinch (Winner: Karros)

Score: Karros 3, Hansen 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: In a contest as tight as their cummerbunds, Karros and Hansen did battle on the field of The Matchup, and though Hansen was brave to wear a rented penguin suit, Karros took home the victory because of his minor-league turns on such forgettable shows as "Chicago Hope," "Arli$$" and "Port Charles."

Eric Karros and Dave Hansen, 1993 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Larry Johnson, 1991-92 Upper Deck NBA Draft (Another Freakin' Basketball Week No. 5)

Name: Larry Johnson
Team: Charlotte Hornets
Position: Power forward
Value of card: Two plastic gold bracelets
Key 1990-91 stat: 317 times dressed as a woman
Conversation between NBA announcer Marv Albert and first-round pick Larry Johnson:
Marv Albert: "Hello, folks. Marv Albert here with our NBA broadcast from beautiful Charlotte and ... Hey, wait a second! Give that back!"
Larry Johnson: (grabs headset and places it on his head) "Hello, folks. Welcome to our NBA broadcast from beautiful Charlotte. I'm Larry Johnson, and I'll be bringing you tonight's game."
MA: "Larry, please. We're in the middle of a telecast here."
LJ: "Marv, settle down. America is ready to hear from me, the first pick in this year's NBA draft, the most stylish dresser in North Carolina, the teal sensation, the man with the smoothest voice since Barry White. ... And let's look at tonight's matchup between the Charlotte Hornets and Patrick Ewing's New York Knicks."
MA: "Larry, aren't you supposed to be playing in this game?"
LJ: "Don't worry about me, Marv. I can do both. All while dressed in this shimmering suit, construction- paper tie and plastic jewelry."
MA: "But, Larry, play-by-play is my job. Your team needs you."
LJ: "Keep your pants on, Marv. (snickers) Now let's get to the game. Here's the tip. Hornets' ball. Bogues passes to Larry Johnson, who's dressed in a sophisticated suit. Johnson dribbles left. He fakes right. Johnson penetrates, elevates and dunks over Ewing. Yeeeees!"
MA: "Hey, that's my line."
LJ: "Nobody cares, Marv."
MA: (sniff, sniff)

Larry Johnson, 1991-92 Upper Deck NBA Draft (Another Freakin' Basketball Week No. 5)

Mel Blount, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 3)

Name: Mel Blount
Teams: Steelers (retired), nerd cowboys (current)
Position: Defensive back
Value of card: That bow tie
Key 1991 stat: One really bad idea
Choose a different adventure: You are Mel Blount, Hall of Fame cornerback with the Pittsburgh Steelers. As the current director of player relations for the NFL, you have been invited to take part in a league-sanctioned set of sports cards intended to show what football players look like off the field. This is a chance for the league to show how normal its athletes and representatives are while they have fun and look cool (well, for the early '90s). The photographer for these "Pro Line Portraits" offers you three options for your photo shoot:

• To drag out the badass old Steelers uniform that you wore while making so many receivers bleed, click here.
• To dress like a normal damn person, click here.
• To wear a cowboy hat, a stupid red bow tie, pleated jeans and the largest, shiniest belt buckle you own so you can go stand in a field while holding a football and putting on the same thoughtful expression as your horse, click here. 

Mel Blount, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 3)

Kevin Johnson, 1991-92 NBA Hoops Inside Stuff (Basketball Week No. 6)

Name: Kevin Johnson

Teams: Phoenix Suns, Nation of Islam

Positions: Point guard, junior minister

Value of card: No monetary value: "As salaam alaikum"

Key 1991 stat: One separatist movement

Losing his religion: Kevin Johnson briefly joined the Nation of Islam in the early 1990s as a junior minister. He quickly rose to the rank of "all-holy speaker of truths" because of his oratory skills and how good he looked in a bow tie. But the radical views of the Nation of Islam wore on him. He didn't believe all white people were devils. In fact, he thought all people were created equal. But he loved religion, and he wasn't going to let a few hateful principles get in the way of his fashion style.

Yeah, put a bow on it: Weeks after leaving the Nation of Islam, the Rev. KJ started his own religious movement: The Holiest Order of Islam, Christianity and Whatever Else, as Long as You're Wearing a Bow Tie. The THOOICAWEALAYWABT became a sensation. People of all colors and creeds were drawn to the all-inclusive philosophies, self-exploring teachings and required Zubaz bow ties. Johnson became an all-powerful figure, but promised to always use his stature to better humanity. He was true to this pledge until he founded a city for disciples of The Holiest Order of Islam, Christianity and Whatever Else, as Long as You're Wearing a Bow Tie. The city quickly became a modern-day Gomorrah, with residents who shunned their religious views and started worshipping kings.

Kevin Johnson, 1991-92 NBA Hoops Inside Stuff (Basketball Week No. 6)