Jerry Glanville, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 65)

Name: Jerry Glanville
Team: Atlanta Falcons
Position: Head coach
Value of card: Grease on your jeans
Key 1992 stat: 36 biker bars visited
A handful of nicknames given to Jerry Glanville:

• The Bozo in Black
• The Buckle
• Jerry "Who Are You Foolin'?" Glanville
• Motorcycle Mama
• Hardly Davidson

Jerry Glanville, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 65)

Golden Richards, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 215)

Name: Golden Richards
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: It's worth its weight in gold, divided by zero
Key 1977 stat: Punched anyone who called him by his given name, John
A real golden boy: Mr. Richards here preferred to go by his middle name, Golden. Here are a few other nicknames bestowed upon him by his teammates.

• The Towheaded Towel Boy
• Butterfingers
• Nancy
• The Blond Benchwarmer
• Goldenbangs

Golden Richards, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 215)

Brett Favre, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 4)

Name: Brett Favre
Team: Green Bay Packers
Positions: Quarterback, knight
Value of card: 2 bags of the finest spice (spoiled)
Key 1993 stat: 41 dinners at Medieval Times
Possible names for Brett Favre had he been a knight in the middle ages:

• Sir Brett Plumehead
• Lord Favre of Lambeau
• Knight of the Green-and-Gold
• Grey Beard, Protector of the Cheeseheads
• Brett the Unshaven, First of His Name
• Prince Packer of House Bulge

Brett Favre, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 4)

Nolan Ryan, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Ace
Value of card: A Burger King french fry that has fallen on the ground
Key 1989 stat: One crowning achievement
Bow down before the one you serve: In 1990, Donruss granted Nolan Ryan what is truly the greatest honor in baseball history: Donruss King of Kings. (Not to worry      they kept pumping out regular old Diamond Kings for several more years.) With the distinction came a handful of benefits such as golden bolls of cotton, multicolored laser beams and a small painting of himself looking kind of like Tim Robbins in "Bull Durham." But, going by the above larger, more stunning portrait, what should the King of Kings' historical nickname be? Here are some options.

• King Nolan the Broken-Nosed
• King Nolan of Two Chins
• King Nolan the Slightly Wall-Eyed
• King Nolan the Rosy-Cheeked
• King Mole-an

Nolan Ryan, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Buddy Ryan, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 188)

Name: Buddy Ryan
Team: Philadelphia Eagles
Position: Head coach
Value of card: One pair of Buddy's used thermal underpants
Key 1990 stat: Dressed like this all year long
A handful of nicknames for the comically cold Buddy Ryan:

• Buddy the Elf
• Kermit the Hog
• The Not-Very-Jolly Green Giant
• The Four-Ton Clover
• Buddy "I Can Barely Touch My Hands Together" Ryan
• The Green Gobbler
• Not Your Buddy, Guy
• The Incredible Bulk

Buddy Ryan, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 188)

Kenny Stabler, 1992 Pro Line Throwbacks (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 38)

Name: Kenny Stabler
Team: Oakland Raiders (a long, long time ago)
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 28 pieces of snakeskin
Key 1991 stat: Seven continents on his pants
Kenny Stabler's nickname was "The Snake"; here are some other nicknames fans could have assumed he went by after looking at this card:

• Kenny "The Hammer Pants" Stabler
• Kenny "The Mock Turtleneck" Stabler
• Kenny "The Laughable Sports Card" Stabler
• Kenny "The Doc Brown Haircut from 'Back to the Future'" Stabler
• Kenny "The Phallic Reference" Stabler
• Kenny "Jake 'The Snake' Roberts" Stabler

Kenny Stabler, 1992 Pro Line Throwbacks (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 38)

Dwight Gooden and Roger Clemens, 1987 Fleer Superstar Specials

Names: Dwight "Dr. K" Gooden and Roger, um, "Super K" Clemens
Teams: New York Mets and Boston Red Sox
Positions: Pitchers
Value of card: One staged handshake
Key 1986 stat: So, so many illegal substances
Let's get these two disgraced aces into a Matchup:

Round 1: Looking at the camera (Winner: Tie     neither)
Round 2: Bulge (Winner: Dr. K)
Round 3: Future drug-related controversies (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Future loathing from two fan bases (Winner: Super K)
Round 5: Actual nickname used on card (Winner: Dr. K)
Round 6: About to fall asleep (Winner: Dr. K)
Round 7: Better record in the 1986 World Series (Winner: Super K     0-0, compared to Dr. K's 0-2)

Final score: Dr. K 3, Super K 2 (Ties: 2)

Synopsis: Clemens seemed doomed from the beginning, considering Fleer just made up a nickname for him on this card. Really, Fleer, you never heard of "The Rocket"? Still, it was a close battle, with Gooden's bulge helping to provide the winning margin. At least Buckner wasn't to blame this time.

Dwight Gooden and Roger Clemens, 1987 Fleer Superstar Specials

Butch Wynegar, 1977 Topps

Name: Butch Wynegar
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Two gold cups (actually, reproductions of them on a worthless baseball card)
Key 1976 stat: 12 marbles won during elementary school recess
It's time to ask: What are the chances?

What are the chances ...
Wynegar's mother called him "Harold": 93%
Wynegar started using the nickname "Butch" to sound more like a big-leaguer: 95%
Wynegar's charade was exposed by the signature on this card: 100%

What are the chances ...
Wynegar was drafted straight out of high school by the Twins: 90%
Wynegar was younger than 18 when he first played for the Twins: 92%
Wynegar had to study his sixth-grade multiplication tables after this photo shoot for the Twins: 94%

What are the chances ...
Wynegar inspired thousands with his babyface looks: 8%
Wynegar inspired hundreds of gingers with his orangish-red locks: 12%
Wynegar inspired fewer fans than were in the stands in this card: 98%

Butch Wynegar, 1977 Topps

Frank Zupo, 1958 Topps

Name: Frank Zupo
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 6 ounces of Zupo-brand chew spit
Key 1957 stat: 16 guys made to, hey-oh, you know, disappear
A pretty good fella: The feds were on Frankie Zupo's trail. He was a hardened gangster whose body count was one of the highest in New York, and he didn't hide from attention. But when he clipped a dirty copper, see, and he knew his time was up, see, he made a bold move, see: He changed his name ever so slightly, moved to Baltimore and started playing baseball. Surprisingly, some of his nicknames from his life of crime stayed with him between the diamond's lines.
A few of Zupo's nicknames:

• Frankie "The Brow" Zupo
• Frankie "The Monobrow Murderer" Zupo
• Frankie "Two Mustaches in the Wrong Place" Zupo
• Frankie "A Cat Died on My Face" Zupo
• "Spanky" Frankie Zupo

Frank Zupo, 1958 Topps

George Alusik, 1962 Topps

Name: George Alusik
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Neck lumps
Key 1961 stat: Was 26 years old; looked 46
By George: What nickname did Mr. Alusik's teammates use for him in 1962?

A) Throat Bulge Alusik
B) George Are-You-Sick
C) George Alu-Sit-On-The-Bench
D) That Weenie Who Can't Hit
E) All of the above

George Alusik, 1962 Topps

Jim Eisenreich, 1997 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: Jim Eisenreich
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One used paper towel
Key 1996 stat: Cursed constantly, though it had nothing to do with him having Tourette syndrome
Sad but true: Jim Eisenreich made the horns sign everywhere he went      on the base paths, in the dugout, at the mall, even during family dinner night at Applebee's. But try as he might, the poor guy never got anyone to fall for the bait and make his dream come true. No, nobody ever called him "Jim Eisenrock."

Jim Eisenreich, 1997 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Steve Kline, 1998 Fleer Ultra

Name: Steve Kline
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Reliever
Value of card: Two Canadian coins with ducks on them
Key 1997 stat: 44 body slams
10 professional wrestling names for Expos reliever Steve Kline:
10) The Montreal Mangler
9) The Canadian Crippler
8) The Handsome Hungarian
7) The Bully of Sixth-Graders
6) Kline B. Ware
5) One half of the tag-team champions The Dirty Expos
4) Steve the Not-So Giant
3) Steve Kline (one of those persona-less 1980s nobodys who lost every match and basically acted as punching bags for the stars)
2) Gobbledy Gooker
1) Junkyard Steve

Steve Kline, 1998 Fleer Ultra

Granny Hamner, 1959 Topps

Name: Granville Wilbur "Granny" Hamner
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Second base
Value of card: $1 off at the movies
Key 1958 stat: Back in his day, you could buy a candy bar for a nickel
Learn from your elders with this pop quiz: How did Granville Hamner get his nickname?

A) From a bunch of unimaginative teammates who would later go on to write an unimaginative baseball card blog
B) His two-hand, underhand throwing style, seen above
C) His inappropriate fawning over every baby he saw
D) His saggy man-boobs
E) Dude wore a diaper

Granny Hamner, 1959 Topps

Marc Valdes, 1994 Score Draft Picks

Name: Marc Valdes
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 4 ounces of eyebrow trimmings
Key 1993 stat: Pitched in tennis shoes
Top 10 nicknames for Marc Valdes' eyebrows:
10) The Wonder Twins
9) George and Barbara Bush
8) Heavy D and Heavier D
7) The Place You Should Check When You Lose Your Keys
6) The Rodents of Unusual Size
5) Vidal and Sassoon
4) The Face Umbrellas
3) The Headge
2) Eye Beards
1) Valdes' Marks

Marc Valdes, 1994 Score Draft Picks

Ron Coomer, 2001 Topps

Name: Ron "Coom Dawg" Coomer
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Third base
Value of card: Fleas
Key 2000 stat: 48 chew toys destroyed
Fun facts about the bluetick coonhound and this blue-clad Coom Dawg:

• The bluetick coonhound is known for its keen sense of smell. The Coom Dawg was known for smelling like fried cheese.
• The bluetick coonhound is muscular and speedy. The Coom Dawg was the exact opposite of that.
• The bluetick coonhound's paws are larger than those of almost all other dog breeds. The Coom Dawg's gut was larger than that of almost all other professional athletes.
• The bluetick coonhound needs lots of exercise to stay happy. The Coom Dawg's favorite "exercise" was shotgunning a beer.
• The bluetick coonhound is excellent around families and children. The Coom Dawg frightened families and children.
• The bluetick coonhound is known to greet strangers by howling at them and then sniffing them incessantly. So is the Coom Dawg.

Ron Coomer, 2001 Topps

Domingo Ramos, 1988 Topps

Name: Domingo Ramos
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Infielder
Value of card: 6 ounces of El Glo de Soul (Latin-themed version of the popular Soul Glo)
Key 1987 stat: 14 sticks of eye black used (under eyes and in hair)
Domingo Ramos is a long name, so his teammates came up with nicknames. Here they are:

• Lunes Ramos
• Martes Ramos
• Miercoles Ramos 
• Jueves Ramos
• Viernes Ramos
• Sabado Ramos
• Sunday Ramos

Domingo Ramos, 1988 Topps

Johnny Wockenfuss, 1982 Topps

Name: John B. "Johnny" Wockenfuss
Team: Detroit Tigerfusses
Positions: Catcher, first base and outfield (not all at once)
Value of card: Less wock, more fuss
Key 1981 stat: Still had a better last name than Rusty
Top 10 nicknames for a man named John B. Wockenfuss:

10) Johnny B. Not Goode
9) Old Catcherface
8) Johnny Wock-Me-Amadeus
7) Johnny Get-A-Haircut
6) Johnny Wock-Out-With-Your-Fuss-Out
5) John B. Wockafeller
4) John B. Out-As-Usual
3) Johhny Wockenpuss
2) John B. Wocken-Passed-Ball
1) Jack Wockenfuss

Card submitted by Keith Malloy

Johnny Wockenfuss, 1982 Topps

Darren Daulton, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 57)

Name: Darren "Dutch" Daulton
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Catcher
Value of card: The wrapper from a Phillies Blunt
Key 1990 stat: 2,519 games of peek-a-boo played with catcher's mask (by himself)
It's time for a behind-the-plate pop quiz:

Why was Darren Daulton nicknamed "Dutch"?

(A) He was a huge fan of the 1991 film starring Ed O'Neill that was reviewed as being "like 'Home Alone' but with Bart Simpson."
(B) He was born and raised in Hoogezand-Sappemeer in Groningen province in the Netherlands
(C) He lived the "dutch door" lifestyle: mind closed, pants open.
(D) He like to pull the bed covers over teammates' heads and break wind.
(E) He smoked really crappy cigars.
(F) None of the above.

Darren Daulton, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 57)

Scooter Tucker, 1992 Fleer Ultra

Name: Eddie "Scooter" Tucker
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 5 percent more scooting
Key 1991 stat: One ridiculous nickname
Astros scouting report on rookie catcher Scooter Tucker: "Wait, he actually likes to be called 'Scooter'? What, is he 12? ... He's got more than enough neck to be a quality big-league backstop. ... Has an arm like a cannon: rusted and obsolete. ... Can belch the entire alphabet, but often gets the letters out of order. ... Calls a great game — from the booth. ... Says his catching role model is Johnny Cash. We think he means Johnny Bench, but frankly, who knows? ... 'Scooter'? Really? ... Smokes two cigarettes at a time. It's bizarre to watch. ... Says that if baseball doesn't work out, his backup career is 'astronaut. Or cowboy. Or GI Joe.' Maybe he really is 12."

Scooter Tucker, 1992 Fleer Ultra

Rich "Goose" Gossage, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 31)

Name: Rich "Goose" Gossage
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One goose feather
Key 1990 stat: Watched "Road House" 17 times
Pop quiz time: Why is Goose so sad?

A) Nobody wants a mustache ride
B) Studio refused to call him by his nickname
C) He's really only a little sad, but everything is bigger in Texas
D) He's thinking about how he always dies in "Top Gun"
E) All of the above

Rich "Goose" Gossage, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 31)