Pat Swilling, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 70)

Name: Pat Swilling
Team: New Orleans Saints
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: Bark
Key 1992 stat: 27 trees hid under during lightning storms
This quiz is swill: How come Pat Swilling's relaxing half-naked under an oak tree?

A) You got a better idea on how to spend a Tuesday?
B) Waiting for you, sweetheart. Just waiting for you.
C) He's getting back to his roots.
D) He's trying to sneak a peek up Kosar's shorts.
E) All of the above.

Pat Swilling, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 70)

Greg Anthony, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Name: Greg Anthony
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The dictionary page with the word "bust" on it, torn out
Key 1991 stat: Always tried to blend into the background
San Diego Padres scouting report on draft pick Greg Anthony: "He's got three solid pitches      by which we mean we need to limit his pitch count to three. ... He's very insistent that we change our uniforms to paisley. ... Plus-plus ability to pose in front of trees. ... Almost strangled himself with his own necklace a couple of times. ... Eats Vienna sausages by the case. ... It's always risky drafting a two-sport star, but he could pay off. Wait, this is UNLV's Greg Anthony, right? No? That's it, I resign."

Greg Anthony, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Eric Show, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Eric Show
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One used G string
Key 1990 stat: Mastered the art of seduction
Music and mullets: Major League hurler Eric Show also knew his way around a guitar. Here are a few songs he penned.

•  "White Pants Blues"
• "Hammock of Love"
• "That Old Curly Mullet Magic"
• "Those Aren't Blood Stains on My Patio"
• "Check Out My Big-Bodied, Long-Necked Beauty      and My Guitar"

 Card submitted by Brian Blaine

Eric Show, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Dale Carter, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 68)

Name: Dale Carter
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: A soggy receipt from Taco Bell
Key 1992 stat: 1,503 gallons of water wasted
First towel off, then take this pop quiz: What the heck is Dale Carter doing?

A) Practicing waterboarding so he can work for the CIA after his football days are over
B) Always shy of showering in the locker room, this is how Dale bathed at Arrowhead
C) Washing out his eyes after a particularly bad rookie hazing stunt
D) Having a drinking problem
E) All of the above

Dale Carter, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 68)

Bernie Kosar, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 67)

Name: Bernie Kosar
Team: Cleveland Browns
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Splinters
Key 1992 stat: Five times had to call the fire department to get him out of a tree
Fun facts about Bernie Kosar and trees:

• Trees are made of wood. Judging from the way he moved around the pocket, so was Kosar.
• A large tree, such as a mature oak, can use 110 gallons of water a day. Kosar, never mature enough to turn down a challenge, once chugged an equal amount of Stroh's in a day.
• Some trees, such as oaks, create seeds that fall to the ground. That's where most of Kosar's passes fell, as well.
• Trees are planted in soil. On game days, Kosar was also often planted in soil by the D-line.
• In the fall, many trees' leaves turn vibrant colors, such as red, orange and yellow. Kosar's shirt still put those trees to shame.

Bernie Kosar, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 67)

Jason Arnott, 1994-95 Upper Deck Be A Player (Another Hockey Week No. 5)

Name: Jason Arnott
Team: Edmonton Oilers
Position: Center
Value of card: 2-for-1 fun pass to World Waterpark
Key 1994-95 stat: Didn't do much oiling
It's The Caption, which never ran in the Edmonton Journal circa January 1995: "Oilers center Jason Arnott rides a water slide at World Waterpark on Tuesday in Edmonton, despite the sub-freezing temperatures and the park being closed. After his joyride, Arnott was treated at a local hospital for hypothermia and later cited for trespassing and urinating in the pool, which Arnott said he only did in an effort to stay warm."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Jason Arnott, 1994-95 Upper Deck Be A Player (Another Hockey Week No. 5)

Jaromir Jagr, 1991-92 Topps Stadium Club (Another Hockey Week No. 3)

Name: Jaromir Jagr
Team: Pittsburgh Penguins
Position: Right wing
Value of card: An empty bottle of Jager
Key 1991-92 stat: Singlehandedly kept four Pittsburgh-area hairdressers in business
Scouting report on Penguins rookie hotshot Jaromir Jagr: "He looks good on the ice, but not nearly as good as he does in a linen suit. ... In the running for the Calder Trophy, but he's already swept mullet competitions throughout the Great Lakes region. ... His stick-handling so far is outpacing his ability to handle a clip-on tie. ... Will likely never suffer a concussion, given that under his helmet, he has another helmet. ... Tastes great when mixed with Dr Pepper. ... Overall, this kid's got a very high ceiling      and with that haircut, he's gonna need it."

Jaromir Jagr, 1991-92 Topps Stadium Club (Another Hockey Week No. 3)

Jarome Iginla, 1997-98 Upper Deck Collector's Choice (Another Hockey Week No. 1)

Name: Jarome Arthur-Leigh Adekunle Tig Junior Elvis Iginla
Team: Calgary Flames
Position: Right wing
Value of card: A wet beer pong ball that has rolled under the couch
Key 1997-98 stat: Two sports mastered
Jarome Iginla's train of thought between 2:12 and 2:14 p.m., December 2, 1997: "Eye on the ball, eye on the ball. ... Ping pong counts as a workout, right? ... Eye on the ball, that's it. ... Why is this creep taking pictures of me right now? ... Eye on the ball, eye on the ball. ... Oh geez, my shorts are riding up my five-hole again. ... Eye on the ball, eye on the ball. ... I hope my overdeveloped left thigh doesn't look too weird right now. ... Eye on the      wait, what am I supposed to keep my eye on again? Ah, crap, that's game."

Jarome Iginla, 1997-98 Upper Deck Collector's Choice (Another Hockey Week No. 1)

Benji Gil, 1992 Topps Draft Picks

Name: Benji Gil
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: More like Benji Nil
Key 1991 stat: Rated best jawline in Chula Vista, Calif.
Rangers' scouting report on first-round draft choice Benji Gil: "For such a young kid, he's built like a tank. Wait, no, correction: He moves like a tank. ... Says he can't get enough of Michael Bolton's music. ... Could be a 20-20 guy      meaning hits and errors, not homers and steals. ... Reminds us a bit of Patrick Bateman from 'American Psycho.' So that's frightening. ... Look, the truth is, we thought we were getting the dog from the movies. Our bad."

Benji Gil, 1992 Topps Draft Picks

Jerry Glanville, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 65)

Name: Jerry Glanville
Team: Atlanta Falcons
Position: Head coach
Value of card: Grease on your jeans
Key 1992 stat: 36 biker bars visited
A handful of nicknames given to Jerry Glanville:

• The Bozo in Black
• The Buckle
• Jerry "Who Are You Foolin'?" Glanville
• Motorcycle Mama
• Hardly Davidson

Jerry Glanville, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 65)

Tiger Woods, 2001 Upper Deck (Christmas Day 2014 Special)

Name: Tiger Woods
Team: Umm, Team Nike?
Position: Golfer
Value of card: Getting your balls in the rough
Key 2001 stat: A much happier Christmas than, say, 2009
Merry Christmas from the Bust: Allow us to present a few Christmas carols influenced by Tiger Woods, the most randy golfer the North Pole ever knew.

• Do You Feel What I Feel?
• The Holly and the Ivy at the Same Time
• O Come, All Ye Unfaithful
• God Rest Ye, Merry Gentleman
• Whose Child Is This?
• Away, in a Stranger

Tiger Woods, 2001 Upper Deck (Christmas Day 2014 Special)

Tom McKinnon, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Name: Tom McKinnon
Team: Long Beach Whiteshirts St. Louis Cardinals
Positions: Pitcher, soon-to-be designated hitter 
Value of card: One unwashed undergarment
Key 1991 stat: Never smiled
Fun facts about Tom McKinnon and some guy you could pull off the street: 

• Some guy off the street would likely be better-dressed for photo day.
• Some guy off the street might also have had a chance at posting a 3-to-43 walk-to-strikeout ratio while batting in 1994.
• Some guy off the street probably had a high school picture taken with that same backdrop in the 1990s.
• Yeah, well, Tom McKinnon smashed 16 homers and made the all-star team in the independent Big South League in 1996! In your face, some guy off the street!

Tom McKinnon, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Jim Jensen, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 64)

Name: Jim Jensen
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: An ounce of pee-contaminated pool water
Key 1992 stat: Endless heckling after this photo
Here's what Jim Jensen stands for:

Jahoobies covered by strategically crossed arms
It's no mistake      he's really a professional athlete
Masculinity at its peak

Just like an actual dolphin, Jim makes his home underwater
Either that or he lost a bet with the photographer
Nice sunglasses-hat-necklace combo in the pool, bub
Scantily clad football players are always a treat
Equaled the number of receptions that we had in 1992
Needless to say, this guy's all wet

Jim Jensen, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 64)

Ivan Rodriguez, 1998 Score

Name: Ivan Rodriguez
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 2 ounces of "pudge"
Key 1997 stat: Thighs the size of Greek pillars
It's the latest edition of The Caption, which definitely did not run in the Dallas Morning News circa 1998: "Rangers catcher Ivan 'Pudge' Rodriguez has some impish fun with teammate Juan Gonzalez by distracting Gonzalez with a little game of 'Look Up My Shorts' before hitting him in the face with a medicine ball Thursday morning in Arlington."

Ivan Rodriguez, 1998 Score

Mike Singletary, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 63)

Name: Mike Singletary
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: A single cent
Key 1992 stat: 40 pounds of neck muscle
It's time for The Caption, which absolutely did not run circa 1992 in the Chicago Tribune: "Bears linebacker Mike Singletary looks amused while modeling his new gameday helmet Saturday at Soldier Field. Things were much less amusing Sunday, however, when Singletary impaled two Vikings offensive linemen and quarterback Rich Gannon on his headgear before switching back to a regular helmet. All three Minnesota players are expected to survive."

Mike Singletary, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 63)

Dick Perez, 1994 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Name: Dick Perez
Team: Donruss
Position: Diamond King artist
Value of card: Four ounces of ink, spilled on your pants
Key 1993 stat: One copy purchased of "A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man"
Is Dick Perez having a medical emergency? First off, here he is, ladies and gents, the man, the myth, the legend: Dick Perez. He spent many years tormenting us with these Diamond King cards, and we've now done the same in return. But is he having a medical emergency? His hair definitely is not. That helmet could absorb a 96-mph fastball. His beard is trimmed neatly, showing good dexterity and fashion sense. But patches of skin on his face are blue, and that's never a good sign. He may be losing oxygen to the brain, which would explain how this thing ever saw the light of day.

Dick Perez, 1994 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Randall Cunningham, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 62)

Name: Randall Cunningham
Team: Philadelphia Eagles
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Lots of leg
Key 1992 stat: One surgically repaired knee
Top 10 things about this card:

10) The mustache
9) The cinderblock wall
8) The T-shirt
7) The rehab machine/torture device
6) The panic button atop the rehab machine/torture device
5) The flat-top
4) The stare-at-my-crotch poster
3) The shorts
2) The shorts
1) Definitely the shorts

Randall Cunningham, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 62)

Christian Okoye, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 61)

Name: Christian Okoye
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Running back
Value of card: One red cent
Key 1991 stat: Drank 25 cases of Killian's Irish Red
Time for a pop quiz about the Nigerian Nightmare: So, what's with all the red?

A) Okoye's apartment was directly across the street from a Kenny Rogers Roasters.
B) That's just Okoye's darkroom. He was really into photography     of his biceps.
C) Due to poor contract negotiations, Okoye was forced to work in Amsterdam's Red Light District during the offseason.
D) Okoye's contract was fine      he just dug working in the Red Light District.
E) None of the above.

Christian Okoye, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 61)

John Elway, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 60)

Name: John Elway
Team: Denver Broncos
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: One free spin class
Key 1992 stat: Two creamy thighs
Here's what John Elway stands for:

Join a gym already, buddy
Oh, and maybe get a tan, too?
How many plants do you have in that "exercise room" anyway?
Nowadays, they grow different vegetation in Colorado, amirite?

Exercise cycle from the '90s or arcade version of "Excite Bike"?
Little blue tiles are easier to look at than those little blue shorts
Wearing a shirt with your name on it is the move of a champion
Always a fan of the mini-mullet
Yes, Elway still rides that same bike to this very day

John Elway, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 60)

Mike Ditka, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 59)

Name: Mike Ditka
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Coach
Value of card: $1 off the blue-plate special
Key 1992 stat: 14 pounds of sauerkraut consumed
It's time to steady your stomachs for another Bust recipe: Ditka's is an actual chain of restaurants owned by the actual Mike Ditka. It's got a pretty good reputation, but thankfully no longer serves the Big Tuna Salad Sandwich, pictured above and named after fellow coaching legend Bill Parcells. Here's how you, too, can try that dish:

2 cans of tuna in oil
2 cans of tuna in water
1 tuna steak
1 spicy tuna roll
1 pair of Bill Parcells' dirty boxers
1 picture of Al Toon
4 pounds of mayonnaise
2 slices of white toast
4 ounces of grass from your yard

Make a salad from the grass     don't worry; if you want this dish, odds are you don't eat salad anyway. Then mix all the other ingredients in a large bowl. Pour the mixture into a large skillet, then throw away the bowl. Cook over low heat for 3 hours or until the mayonnaise becomes pungent. Serve on toast, incinerate the excess and throw away the skillet. Enjoy!

Mike Ditka, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 59)