Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 3)

Name: Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A broken spark plug
Key 1990 stat: 14 tons of gold purchased
Transcript from a late-night cable TV commercial circa 1990: "Hey everyone, Oil Can Boyd here to let you know that there's a valuable resource in your home. No, it's not your children; it's your unwanted gold! Tangled gold chains, broken gold watches, loose gold teeth; you may not want them any more, but your old pal Oil Can sure does — and I'm willing to pay top dollar for them. Here at Oil Can 4 Gold, I'll melt down your unwanted jewelry and turn it into hundreds and dozens of thin gold chains that I can wear on the mound. I know what you're saying: 'Oil Can, you already have a Zales' worth of crappy necklaces; what can you possibly want with more?' Look, that's really none of your damn business, is it? You get the money, Oil Can gets the gold, everyone goes away happy. Send me your freakin' gold!"

Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 3)

Oil Can Boyd, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd

Team: Texas Rangers

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: 10W-30

Key 1991 stat: 14 25-cent, gum-ball machine fake gold chains worn at once

Oil, meet Can: Dennis Boyd's play certainly didn't help him stand out in the big leagues, but he craved the spotlight. He needed a gimmick, so he turned to his idols: Ghandi and Mr. T. The latter was once a nobody named Laurence Tureaud. The former was a skinny chump who was able to take on the British empire after acquiring a nickname. From Mr. T, Boyd took a penchant for wearing 13 too many chains and a realization of the effectiveness of a straightforward nickname; for him, "Oil." From Ghandi, Boyd took an admiration for round eyewear and an understanding of the power of an inspirational nickname; for him, "Can." With his jewelry and glasses stylings meshed, Boyd knew there was only one thing left to do to ensure his spot in the spotlight: combine the Mr. T-inspired "Oil" with the Ghandi-inspired "Can" and become the inspiration for terrible nicknames, and even worse ones.

Oil Can Boyd, 1992 Upper Deck

Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd, 1990 Upper Deck

Name: Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 10 percent off your next stop at Quik-E-Lube
Key 1989 stat: 2,903 squints
Ten more nicknames Dennis Boyd should have considered:
10) Dennis "Coolant" Boyd
9) "Tickle Me" Dennis Boyd
8) Dennis "No 'Roid" Boyd
7) Dennis "Roundglasses" Boyd
6) Dennis "Warmup Jacket" Boyd
5) Dennis "Ol' Redglove" Boyd
4) Dennis "Synthetic" Boyd
3) Dennis "LensCrafters" Boyd
2) Dennis "The Laughing Menace" Boyd
1) "Slappy"

Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd, 1990 Upper Deck

Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd, 1989 Donruss

Name: Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd

Team: Boston Red Sox

Position: Ace

Value of card: 3 ounces of sludge

Key 1988 stat: Too many restroom "spills" to count

10 nicknames Dennis Boyd should have considered:

10) Dennis "Lubricant Tube" Boyd

9) "Crude" Dennis Boyd

8) Dennis "Gas Under the Covers" Boyd

7) Dennis "Bob's Big" Boyd

6) Oil Can "Dennis" Boyd

5) "The Say Oil Can Kid"

4) Dennis "Oil Can't" Boyd

3) "Slick" Dennis Boyd

2) Dennis "Gas Bag" Boyd

1) Dennis "Black Gold" Boyd

Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd, 1989 Donruss