Terry Kinard, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 222)

Name: Terry Kinard
Team: Houston Oilers
Position: Safety
Value of card: One chicken thigh
Key 1990 stat: Occasionally forgot to dress for practice
Three fun facts about the Houston Oilers and Terry Kinard:

• The Oilers could have used a little more coverage in their secondary. Kinard could have used a little more coverage below the equator.
• The Oilers ran a fast-tempo offense. Kinard liked to dress fast and offend everyone. 
• The Oilers were lured away to Tennessee in the mid-1990s by the promise of a new stadium. Kinard was lured by something a little less expensive in Myrtle Beach.

Card submitted by John Stoddert

Terry Kinard, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 222)

Roy Gerela, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 210)

Name: Roy Gerela
Team: Houston Oilers
Position: Kicker
Value of card: 6 drops of oil
Key 1970 stat: 12 nights spent in the basement of the Alamo (behind him)
Here's what Roy Gerela stands for:

Rascally haircut for a rascally kicker
Oil covered his body on many nights spent alone
Younger than most players by looking at that hairdo

Gazing into the far beyond, he saw his future on a terrible sports card
Eyes strangely the same blinding color of his uniform and the sky
Rarely found time to comb his bangs between kicks
Everyman who most men would avoid
Little illustrated kicker in the corner was a much tougher dude
Adam's apple could serve as a shiv in a streetfight

Roy Gerela, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 210)

Warren Moon, 1992 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 2)

Name: Warren — wait for it — Moon
Team: Houston Oilers
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 6 ounces of green cheese
Key 1991 stat: Six straight years voted "best quarterback name" in NFL
Look up, the pun is shining: Warren Moon was an all-world quarterback. He never cratered under pressure and always made plays when he found himself in space. His stats often eclipsed all other players at his position and his leadership was never waning. Waxing poetic, Moon was a shining star, so to speak, whose exploits would make fans beam with pride. Moon's presence alone added gravity to games. Don't agree? Moon, till this day, will turn around, bend over, pull down his pants and express his disagreement.

Warren Moon, 1992 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 2)

Warren Moon, 1990 Score Hot Gun (Football Friday No. 134)

             

Name: Warren Moon

Team: Houston Oilers

Position: Quarterback

Value of card: Six drops of oil

Key 1989 stat: Zero photos that weren't blurry

Yup, it's another Wiki Entry: This is another in what is sure to become a much-loved Bust tradition. In this feature, we copy a Wikipedia entry straight from the site, and then change a few key words to make the description better fit the card. Enjoy what is sure to be the literary highlight of your day.
The Moon Wiki Entry (changes in red): Warren Moon The Moon is the only natural quarterback satellite in Houston, of the Earth, and the fifth largest dude satellite in the room. Solar System. He throws the football It is in synchronous rotation with his arm, Earth, always showing the same face with a mustache. He It is the brightest quarterback object in the league sky after Joe Montana, the Sun, although Moon's its surface is actually very dark, with a similar reflectance to coal. (Hey, blame Wikipedia.) His Its prominence in the league sky and his its regular cycle of passes phases have, since ancient times, made the Moon an important cultural influence on pulling down your pants and showing others. language, calendars, art and mythology. The Moon's gravitational influence produces lopsided victories the ocean tides and the minute lengthening of the team's time in the playoffs. day. The Moon's current bulge orbital distance, about 30 times the diameter of the Oilers logo, Earth, causes it to appear almost the same size on the bed in the sky as the pillow, Sun, allowing it to cover a woman the Sun nearly precisely in total solar eclipses.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Warren Moon, 1990 Score Hot Gun (Football Friday No. 134)

Ernest Givins, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 95)

Name: Ernest Givins
Team: Houston Oilers
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: .01 fantasy point
Key 1991 stat: One limb fully pictured
We're confused: What, precisely, is Ernest Givins trying to signal via semaphore?

A) "I got this windbreaker for $4!"
B) "I shaved my legs this morning!"
C) "Every day I'm shufflin'."
D) "Do you have another pair of shorts that I could wear?"
E) "I seem to have forgotten my shoes."

Ernest Givins, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 95)