The Ripkens, 1989 Bowman

Names: Cal Ripken Jr., Cal Ripken Sr., Billy Ripken
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Positions: Shortstop, manager, second base
Value of card: 5 cents for Cal Jr., 1 cent for Cal Sr., minus 3 cents for Billy = 3 cents
Key 1988 stat: Zero family dinners free of arguments
It's time for a family-not-so-friendly edition of The Matchup, refereed by Cal Ripken Sr.:

Round 1: Fielding ("I got to go with my boy Cal Jr," Cal Sr. says.)
Round 2: Throwing ("Again, my son Cal has Billy beat here.")
Round 3: Hitting for average (Not even close; it's my son Cal.")
Round 4: Hitting for power (Not to pile on, Billy, but I have to go with your brother Cal.")
Round 5: Base running ("This might surprise you, but Billy can be an idiot on the base paths, so I have to go with Cal.")
Round 6: Bulge ("Just take a look at the picture: It's Cal all the way.")
Round 7: Baseball card history ("No one has a better card than my boy Billy. Love ya son!")

Score: Cal Jr. 6, Billy 1

Synopsis: No one knows Cal Sr.'s boys better than Dad, and it shows in this runaway win for the Hall of Famer, save for the greatest error card of all time.

The Ripkens, 1989 Bowman

Johnny Wockenfuss, 1985 Topps

Name: Johnny Wockenfuss
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Positions: Catcher, first base, outfield
Value of card: Not enough to make a fuss about
Key 1985 stat: One run
Spruce up your vocabulary: What is the etymology of the word "Wockenfuss"?

(A) It's a German term for a face that has been misshapen by a catcher's mask.
(B) It's from the Dutch for a Just for Men Mustache & Beard model.
(C) It's an Albanian word that describes someone who can pound an entire case of Spam.
(D) It's Philly slang for a washed-up ballplayer.
(E) All of the above.

Johnny Wockenfuss, 1985 Topps

Don Buchheister, 1979 TCMA

Name: Don Buchheister
Team: Cedar Rapids Giants
Position: General manager
Value of card: He'll trade ya for it
Key 1978 stat: 17 trades made (for worthless baseball cards)
Here are some of the moves made by Cedar Rapids Giants executive Don Buchheister:

• Traded a third baseman and a right-handed middle reliever for a pastrami on rye.
• Offered a lucrative free agent contract to Sid Limpis of Sid's Stupendous Straw Hats on West 65th Street.
• Scouted Single A and promoted a pitching machine.
• Tried to fire a manager — from the local Long John Silver's

Don Buchheister, 1979 TCMA

Gorilla Monsoon, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 6)

Name: Gorilla Monsoon
From: Manchuria
Signature moves: Airplane Spin, announcing other wrestlers' signature moves
Value of card: One DVD copy of "Gorillas in the Mist" with a big scratch on it
Key 1990 stat: Surprisingly, afraid of both apes and summer thunderstorms
Clearing up some rumors about Gorilla Monsoon:

• Gorilla Monsoon did not work part-time as a strip club doorman. But he did know the doorman by name.
• Gorilla Monsoon did not dye his hair. He just slept better when his head was covered in motor oil.
• Gorilla Monsoon is not the first person in history to make a red tuxedo look good. Nobody has made a red tuxedo look good.
• Gorilla Monsoon was, in fact, a pro wrestler before becoming the WWF's play-by-play announcer. So he was used to looking this ridiculous.
• Gorilla Monsoon was not his real name, of course. His real name was Gorilla Haboob.

Gorilla Monsoon, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 6)

Tommy John, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Tommy John
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Old pitcher
Value of card: An ounce of Vitalis hair tonic
Key 1988 stat: 82 kids yelled at for being on lawn
Here's a Caption that, as far as we know, ran in the New York Daily News circa 1988: "Yankees pitcher Tommy John, left, and fellow Alhambra Senior Apartments resident and pitching coach Art Fowler discuss removing John from his start against the Baltimore Orioles so that both can still make the early-bird special at Furr's and be back at the team hotel in time to watch 'Matlock' on Tuesday at Memorial Stadium in Baltimore, Md."

Tommy John, 1989 Upper Deck

George Seifert, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 52)

Name: George Seifert
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Head coach
Value of card: All the real gold that's in that jacket
Key 1990 stat: 14 early-bird specials
Some of 49ers head coach George Seifert's best plays:

• Gold 7 jacket's buttons hook
• Grey right silver fox square out
• Double pleated pants seam left 
• Solo left 6-gallon hat on three
• Red right gold left blinded by outfit on sight hut hut hike

George Seifert, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 52)

Charlie Hough, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Name: Charlie Hough
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Old pitcher
Value of card: A huff and a puff
Key 1996 stat: 52 bottles of Just For Men purchased
Hinting at retirement: What's so scary about this Diamond King? Well, as usual, you've got your faceless tiny man in the corner      you'll definitely be seeing him when you close your eyes tonight. There's also the lesson in how not to apply self-tanning products that is Old Man Hough's face. That thing's streakier than the inside of his adult diaper. But perhaps the biggest can of nightmare fuel is that giant fork that Dick Perez has shoved in Charlie's back. Good lord, man, what did this old-timer do to tick you off? Either that, or you were trying to hint that it was time for Charlie to call it a career      stick a fork in him, he's done.

Charlie Hough, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Marty Schottenheimer, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 46)

Name: Marty Schottenheimer
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Head coach
Value of card: 4 strands of wool
Key 1990 stat: 4 "Tecmo Bowl" plays used in a game
Some fashion tips from coach Marty Schottenheimer:

• "Your sweater should have at least five sections; but six or more is preferred."
• "Whenever you can put a logo on your slacks, do it. Ladies love logos."
• "When you get a new hat, don't adjust it. In fact, don't even look at it. Just put it on your head."
• "There's nothing wrong with feminine cuffs."
• "Have your great-aunt sew you a sweater when you have to look your best."
• "Wool is the perfect fabric for special occasions."

Marty Schottenheimer, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 46)

Yogi Berra (Astros Leaders), 1987 Topps

Name: Yogi Berra
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Bench coach
Value of card: "Ninety percent of the value is half of nothing," Berra said.
Key 1986 stat: 1 bench coach featured on a baseball card (all time)
Some of the leading Yogiisms that Berra used when helping coach the Astros in 1986:

• "You could observe a lot by watching this group. Well, maybe not."
• "It ain't over till it's over, unless we're talking about our World Series chances, which are over."
• "Watching this team lose is deja vu all over again."
• "Nobody comes to the Astrodome anymore. It's too crowded."
• "This team is a bunch of overwhelming underdogs. Make that underwhelming overdogs."
• "They made too many wrong mistakes."

Yogi Berra (Astros Leaders), 1987 Topps

Don Shula, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 202)

Name: Don Shula
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Coach
Value of card: A pound of neon chalk dust
Key 1990 stat: Mentioned 2,497 times that the '72 Dolphins went undefeated
It's a Football Friday edition of The Caption, which might have appeared in the Miami Herald circa 1990: "Dolphins head coach Don Shula attempts to laugh off being ditched by a group of his players at a Latin nightclub late Friday night in downtown Miami. Shula sat quietly in a corner for two hours, his smile eventually turning to tears, before Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino showed up, carried Shula out of the club in his arms and placed him in the passenger seat of his car."

Don Shula, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 202)

Don Sutton, 1985 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Name: Don Sutton
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Ace
Value of card: We'll trade you this card for two of this card, because, hey, it doesn't really matter
Key 1984 stat: 19 wrinkles drawn
Let's see what Don Sutton stands for:

Dude rocks rough and stuff with his afro puffs.
Oscar Gamble would be proud.
Never met a curling iron he didn't use.

Suspicions of HGH (hair growth hormone) were rampant.
Under that hat, more curls!
Tiny Sutton seems to have a weight problem that Big Sutton doesn't have.
That poor Tiny Sutton is getting swallowed in the 'fro puff.
Only player to keep spare baseballs under his hair.
Never underestimate the illustrated bulge.

Don Sutton, 1985 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Gaylord Perry, 1984 Fleer

Name: Gaylord Perry
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Ace
Value of card: "When I was your age, a pack of baseball cards cost a nickel."
Key 1983 stat: 18 bunions
It's time for a pop quiz from the senior home:

What's Gaylord Perry pointing at?

(A) One of 721 big-league players younger than him.
(B) A photographer who could have worked a bit harder for a better shot.
(C) A producer of "Major League" looking to research the role of Eddie Harris.
(D) Some chump reading a mediocre sports card blog.
(E) All of the above.

Gaylord Perry, 1984 Fleer

Sparky Lyle, 1983 O-Pee-Chee Super Veteran

Name: Sparky Lyle
Teams: Boston Red Sox, Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 1983 - 1967 = 16 cents
Key 1982 stat: 17 times he took an O-Pee-Chee in the dugout corner
It's time for a Super Veteran version of The Matchup:

Round 1: Hideous, pseudo-space-age uniform (Winner: 1983 Sparky)
Round 2: 3-inch-deep butt chin (Winner: 1967 Sparky)
Round 3: Honorable mention, Name Hall of Fame (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Sideburns Dylan McKay would covet (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Thickness around the midsection (Winner: 1983 Sparky)
Round 6: Fathered 1983 Sparky (Winner: 1967 Sparky)
Round 7: Mustache that just won't stop, just won't quit (Winner: 1983 Sparky)

Score: 1983 Sparky 3, 1967 Sparky 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: In the battle of Sparky vs. Sparky, the older, hairier version grabs the victory with a mustache for the ages.

Sparky Lyle, 1983 O-Pee-Chee Super Veteran

Tim Stoddard, 1989-90 Topps Senior Baseball (Fan Appreciation Week No. 3)

Name: Tim Stoddard
Team: West Palm Beach Tropics
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One arthritic hip
Key 1989-90 stat: Zero autographs actually requested from this guy
Top 10 possible explanations for this bizarre card:
10) It's promotional material for "Weekend at Bernie's 3: Dead on the Diamond."
9) It's an actual dead man being propped up for entertainment purposes.
8) It's one of those things that you stand behind and place your head in the cutout for photos.
7) Considering his hands are as big as his head, it must be George "The Animal" Steele in disguise.
6) It's concept art for the unwanted sequel to "Semi-Pro."
5) Topps was just putting its surplus of wood-grain framing to good use.
4) Oh, like you don't have glossy photos of Tim Stoddard that you're just dying to have autographed.
3) It's entirely possible that this is a photo of Tim Stoddard burping while sleepwalking.
2) It's just a cheap rip-off of this Al Hrabosky card.
1) Clearly, this was the liveliest photo from the entire Senior Professional Baseball Association season.

Card submitted by Sean Griffin

Tim Stoddard, 1989-90 Topps Senior Baseball (Fan Appreciation Week No. 3)

Jim Leyland, 2009 Topps (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 4)

Name: Jim Leyland
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Manager
Value of card: 11 cigarette butts
Key 2008 stat: 14 pet tigers that Jim Leyland kept outside his lair
Let's take a look at Jim Leyland, by the numbers: 

.330: Batting practice batting average
.606: Batting practice slugging percentage
.999: Batting practice OPS

44: Batting practice home runs
139: Batting practice RBIs
377: Batting practice total bases

Er, wait. Those were Miguel Cabrera's 2012 statistics. Here are the numbers we were looking for:

.330: Batting practice expletives-per-sentence average
.606: Batting practice tobacco ingestion average
.999: Batting practice mustache average

44: Batting practice reporter cuss-outs
139: Batting practice farts blamed on the dog
377: Batting practice jockstrap readjustments

Jim Leyland, 2009 Topps (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 4)

Earl Weaver, 1983 Topps (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 1)

Name: Earl Weaver
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Manager
Value of card: 2 ounces of Weaver spit
Key 1982 stat: 14 tons of dirt kicked on umpires' shoes
Baseball's back, baby: We here at The Bust believe that when you do something well, you should do it again. Nevertheless, we're bringing you the second installment of Coach-Manager Week, featuring some of the grumpiest and grimiest old men the sports world has ever seen, just in time for Opening Day.

Some make-believe sage advice from Earl Weaver, given during the photo shoot pictured above:

• "Even if you're not drunk, look drunk."
• "Combs are for sissies and Yankees."
• "Orioles make for good eatin'. I'm talkin' 'bout the bird, idiot."
• "Sometimes, you have to visit a blind barber."
• "Wrinkles are the road map of the face. Grow some."
• "Next time you're feelin' blue, spit on an umpire."

Earl Weaver, 1983 Topps (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 1)

Phil and Joe Niekro, 1988 Topps '87 Record Breakers

Names: Phil Niekro, Joe Niekro
Teams: Cleveland Indians, Minnesota Twins
Positions: Aces
Value of card: That brutal crease makes it worth twice as much
Key 1987 stat: 151 whippersnappers tossed off their lawns
It's time for a brotherly edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Older than dirt (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Survived the depression (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Memories of baseball cards in tobacco pouches (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Reputation as a silver fox (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Penchant for eating dinner at 4 p.m., game or not (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Experience playing against Ty Cobb (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Ready to punch you in the face for making fun of his age (Winner: Phil Niekro)

Score: Phil Niekro 1, Joe Niekro 0, Ties 6

Synopsis: As you'd expect, this was a close contest, with two brothers of advancing years going toe-to-toe. But, in the end, Phil Niekro's punch-happy attitude overcame the Twin on this card.

Phil and Joe Niekro, 1988 Topps '87 Record Breakers

Jose Cardenal, 1981 Topps

Name: Jose Cardenal
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Outfield, first base, garbage man
Value of card: 12 bugs pulled from Cardenal's hair
Key 1980 stat: 2,987 hours looking shady
10 things you might not know about Jose Cardenal:
10) He never played for the Cardenals.
9) His favorite player was Oscar Gamble.
8) The "KC" on his hat stood for "Kalamazoo College," where he was a janitor.
7) His mom coined the phrase, "No way, Jose."
6) He had the ability to smile.
5) He won Best MLB Corpse of 1981.
4) He worked as an usher between innings.
3) That's a size 11 hat.
2) He rocks rough and stuff with his afro puffs.
1) He's bald beneath that hat.

Jose Cardenal, 1981 Topps

Dave Stenhouse and Mike Stenhouse, 1985 Topps Father-Son

Names: Dave Stenhouse and Mike Stenhouse
Teams: Washington Senators and Montreal Expos
Positions: Pitcher and outfield
Value of card: "In my day, a pack of baseball cards was a nickel," said Dave Stenhouse
Key 1984 stat: 26 arguments at family dinners
It's time for an all-in-the-family edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: "Young punk" (Winner: Mike Stenhouse)
Round 2: "Never amount to nothing" (Winner: Mike Stenhouse)
Round 3: "Takes after his mother" (Winner: Mike Stenhouse)
Round 4: "Needs to stop chasing skirts and concentrate on baseball" (Winner: Mike Stenhouse)
Round 5: "Doesn't know the meaning of hard work" (Winner: Mike Stenhouse)
Round 6: "Hippy needs a haircut" (Winner: Mike Stenhouse)
Round 7: "No son of mine" (Winner: Mike Stenhouse)

Score: Mike Stenhouse 7, Dave Stenhouse 0, Ties 0

Synopsis: Mike Stenhouse may have swept through this battle, but as any son who disappointed his father knows, this is in no way a victory.

Dave Stenhouse and Mike Stenhouse, 1985 Topps Father-Son

Kenny Stabler, 1992 Pro Line Throwbacks (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 38)

Name: Kenny Stabler
Team: Oakland Raiders (a long, long time ago)
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 28 pieces of snakeskin
Key 1991 stat: Seven continents on his pants
Kenny Stabler's nickname was "The Snake"; here are some other nicknames fans could have assumed he went by after looking at this card:

• Kenny "The Hammer Pants" Stabler
• Kenny "The Mock Turtleneck" Stabler
• Kenny "The Laughable Sports Card" Stabler
• Kenny "The Doc Brown Haircut from 'Back to the Future'" Stabler
• Kenny "The Phallic Reference" Stabler
• Kenny "Jake 'The Snake' Roberts" Stabler

Kenny Stabler, 1992 Pro Line Throwbacks (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 38)