Alvin Kraenzlein, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 14)

Name: Alvin Kraenzlein
Event: Athletics Track and field
Medal count: 4 gold
Value of card: A spoonful of paste
Key 1900 stat: 41 splinters from hurdles
Closing ceremony: After today, all the medals will have been handed out, all the anthems will have been played, and one thing will remain clear: Michael Phelps sure is one sexy stoner. But some things about the above photo are not so clear. For instance:

• Why does Alvin Kraenzlein have a woman's haircut?
• Why is he running the hurdles in the middle of the Rocky Mountains?
• Is he wearing shorts, pants, or some sort of skin-tight unitard?
• Why is he wearing leather slippers at a track meet?
• Is he the only competitor? Where are the other hurdles?
• How did they have Photoshop in 1900?

Alvin Kraenzlein, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 14)

Jackie Joyner-Kersee, 1992 U.S. OlympiCards (Summer Olympics Special No. 13)

Name: Jackie Joyner-Kersee
Events: Heptathlon and long jump
Medal count: 3 gold, 1 silver, 2 bronze (in four different Olympics!)
Value of card: Seven grains of salt
Key 1992 stat: 24 mispronunciations of the word "discus"
Lucky number seven: Jackie Joyner-Kersee was an American badass in the heptathlon, setting a still-standing record at the 1988 Summer Games. But she didn't stop at seven events, oh no; here are some others in which she dominated the world:

• Seoul Soul singing while throwing a javelin
• Pillow fighting
• Lawn darts
• Shotgunning an Old Milwaukee
• Olympic Family Feud

Jackie Joyner-Kersee, 1992 U.S. OlympiCards (Summer Olympics Special No. 13)

Greg Louganis, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 12)

Name: Greg Louganis
Event: Diving
Medal count: One silver in 1976, two golds in 1984, two golds in 1988
Value of card: 6 ounces of chlorine
Key 1988 stat: One eight-pack
It's time for a medal-losing pop quiz:

What dive is Greg Louganis about to execute?

(A) 2½ Bulge
(B) Reverse Hairless Wonder with a Twist
(C) El Speedo Burrito
(D) 512 Reverse Head Banger
(E) The 10-Meter Peter
(F) None of the above

Greg Louganis, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 12)

Ralph Boston, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 11)

Name: Ralph Boston
Event: Athletics Long jump
Medal count: One gold in 1960, one silver in 1964, one bronze in 1968
Value of card: 16 grains of sand
Key 1960 stat: Zero photographs of this mystery man's face
The Boston massacre: Oh, my god! Help him! Somebody, anybody! Help! Ralph Boston is sinking. A million sets of eyes are on him in Rome, and he might have leapt his last leap. It's 1960, and Boston is sinking into quicksand. Down he goes, feet first, then his massive calves and muscle-bound thighs. Soon, the bulge will disappear, followed as if on purpose by a giant, phallic No. 1. Then, he'll be forced to watch his own face go under. Grain by grain, it will be a sad day at the Olympics, the day Rome swallowed Boston.

Ralph Boston, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 11)

Mary Lou Retton, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 10)

Name: Mary Lou Retton
Event: Gymnastics
Medal count: 1 gold, 2 silver, 2 bronze
Value of card: Its value is not recognized in the Eastern Bloc nations. Or anywhere, really.
Key 1984 stat: Upper legs the size of Greek columns
Little Miss Perfect: Mary Lou Retton was America's sweetheart in 1984 after becoming the first woman from the U.S. to win the Olympic gymnastics all-around title. Of course, everyone has secrets. Here are a handful of things that might make you change your opinion about this "innocent" creature:

• In 1983, she found $5 on the ground and didn't turn it in to lost and found
• In middle school, she wrote in some of her textbooks. In ink!
• She has four children, which means she definitely did you-know-what with a boy several times.
• She probably had to kiss a communist or two on the cheek during her career.
• In 1993, she was in an episode of "Baywatch," aka "Smutwatch."
• Well, just look at that outfit!

Mary Lou Retton, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 10)

Thomas Bohrer, 1992 U.S. OlympiCards (Summer Olympics Special No. 9)

Name: Thomas Bohrer
Event: Rowing
Medal count: 2 silver
Value of card: Wet garbage
Key 1992 stat: 147,198 times stroked
Here's what Thomas Bohrer stands for:

Thorough knowledge of the backne on the guy in front of him
Handled a long, wooden shaft with skill and grace
Oiled-up legs distracted the competition
Manly enough to wear a scarf to a race
Appears to be making fart noises with his mouth
Silver medals? This is America. If you're not first, you're a communist.

Bohrer: That's what the ladies said he was in the sack, all right.
Of course, judging from that scarf, maybe that's because he wasn't interested in the ladies
Humorous event name of the day: coxless fours
Rocked the mini-mullet in Barcelona. Classy.
Even he snickered every time somebody said, "Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!"
Really, we're just jealous of his biceps

Thomas Bohrer, 1992 U.S. OlympiCards (Summer Olympics Special No. 9)

Andrea Lloyd, 1992 U.S. OlympiCards (Summer Olympics Special No. 8)

Name: Andrea Lloyd
Event: Basketball
Medal count: 1 gold
Value of card: An autographed image of Sideshow Bob
Key 1988 stat: Beat the tar out of some communists
Fun facts about 1988 U.S. Olympic basketball gold medalist Andrea Lloyd and the nation of Cuba, the nation she's playing against in this photo:

• Cuba has a large number of palm trees. Andrea Lloyd's hair looks like a palm tree.
• Cuba is not known for treating journalists kindly. Andrea Lloyd would probably like to punch this photographer in the neck.
• One of Cuba's top resources is nickel. This Andrea Lloyd card is worth less than a nickel.
• Cuba has been under the control of one family since the late 1950s. That's about the time Andrea Lloyd's knee brace was made.
• Some people travel to Cuba to have cheap dentistry work done. Hint, hint, Andrea Lloyd.

Andrea Lloyd, 1992 U.S. OlympiCards (Summer Olympics Special No. 8)

John Naber, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 7)

Name: John Naber
Event: Swimming
Medal count: 4 gold, 1 silver
Value of card: It's not clear
Key 1976 stat: Photographers unable to take horizontal photos
They call him The Streak: John Naber won four gold medals at the 1976 Summer Games, all in world record times. But just how fast was he?

• John Naber was so fast, cameras were unable to capture him in focus.
• He was so fast, even his sideburns couldn't keep up with him.
• He was so fast, this card could only show him from the waist up because his suit was falling off.
• He was so fast, he couldn't keep his mouth closed.
• He was so fast, he didn't have time to spell "neighbor" properly.
• John Naber was so dang fast, he could swim the English Channel, the Panama Canal and the Mississippi River in the time it takes you to wash your hands. You do wash your hands, don't you? Heathen.

John Naber, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 7)

Bruce Jenner, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 6)

Name: Bruce Jenner
Event: Athletics Decathlon
Medal count: One gold in Montreal
Value of card: Seven flakes of Wheaties
Key 1976 stat: Two sharp-looking sideburns
It's time for a medal-winning pop quiz:

From what was Bruce Jenner running?

(A) Kris
(B) Rob
(C) Kourtney
(D) Khloe
(E) Kim
(F) This guy

Bruce Jenner, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 6)

Frank Shorter, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 5)

Name: Frank Shorter
Event: Athletics Marathon
Medal count: One gold in 1972, one silver in 1976
Value of card: Three Barbie dresses
Key 1972 stat: 114 pounds
A manly competition: It was a steamy day in Munich, the streets covered in dust, sweat and the fallen dreams of so many athletes. The gaze of the world beat down as fierce as the sun, breaking most men who dared to seek glory in the refuge of the day. Through the thick air and unrelenting pain rose one man, a runner, but a runner who would never run from anything. Anguished step after anguished step he plowed ahead, an American on German soil. Past one, and then another, he ran. With each lunge millions held their breath, with each heartbeat he strode closer to the ultimate goal that no one, earthly or otherwise, could keep from him: a gold medal in the 1972 Munich Olympic Games' run-like-a-sissy-girl marathon.

Frank Shorter, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 5)

Duke Kahanamoku, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special, No. 4)

Name: Duke Kahanamoku
Event: Swimming
Medal count: 3 golds, 2 silvers
Value of card: 4 coconuts
Key 1912 stat: 472 women romanced
Duke Kahanamoku's dating profile, circa 1912:

Screen name: hawaiianhunk69
Age: 52
Height: 6 feet (6 feet 2 on surfboard)
Weight: 185 pounds soaking wet
Hair color: Salt-and-pepper
Hairstyle: The wave, obviously
Ethnicity: Hawaiian
Religious views: Worships the ocean
Marital status: Married to the water
Want children? I have enough
Best feature: C'mon, the tan, obviously
Smoke? The competition
Drink? Saltwater

Seeking: Just trying to get laid (Huh, huh, get it?)
Location: The Big Island
Her body type: Hula
Her ethnicity: Hula

About me: Aloha, you know me as the Duke, but I'm the king of Hawaii. I basically created surfing and won gold medals in swimming. I've shown thousands of women paradise while in a tropical paradise. My tan is so deep you can't help but fall in. Come, join me on my surfboard of ecstasy and let me mahalo you all night long.

Duke Kahanamoku, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special, No. 4)

Bob Beamon, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 3)

Name: Bob Beamon

Event: Athletics? Really? How about "track and field," Olympic Cards?

Medal count: 1 gold

Value of card: 3 handfuls of Mexico City dirt

Key 1968 stat: World record long jump of approximately 417.6 feet

10 things Bob Beamon yelled while jumping: 

10) Cowabunga!

9) OOOOOOOOOOOO BABY!

8) Hola, Ciudad de Mexico!

7) This jump has parted my hair!

6) A.S. U.! Wait! S.U.A.! Wait! U.S.A.!

5) J-j-j-j-jockstrap!

4) This speed has me so high!

3) Oh em gee!

2) Takealookatmybulgeworld!

1) Heil!

Bob Beamon, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 3)

Sarah Josephson, 1992 U.S. OlympiCards (Summer Olympics Special No. 2)

Name: Sarah Josephson
Event: Synchronized swimming
Medal count: 1 gold, 1 silver
Value of card: An air bubble (not from the nose or mouth)
Key 1992 stat: Synchronized everything except Swatches
Sarah Josephson and synchronized swimming, by the numbers:

1: Number of people on this card named Sarah Josephson
1: Number of people on this card who are Sarah Josephson's twin sister, Karen
0: Idea which one is which
15: Pounds of waterproof makeup applied before each competition
2: Olympic medals
2: Olympic medals in synchronized swimming, which is not a real sport
30: In seconds, airtime that will be dedicated to synchronized swimming over the next two weeks
100: Percent chance we'll still fist-pump if the U.S. takes gold in it

Sarah Josephson, 1992 U.S. OlympiCards (Summer Olympics Special No. 2)

Charles Daniels, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 1)

Name: Charles "Charlie" Daniels
Event: Swimming
Medal count: 5 gold, 1 silver, 2 bronze
Value of card: Soggy cardboard
Key 1904 stat: 2 inches of shrinkage
USA! USA!: Welcome to Baseball Card Bust's first (and likely only) Summer Olympics Special. For the next two weeks, when you're not glued to the TV, watching men in Speedos get soaking wet and teenage girls in leotards flying through the air, you can find some of America's greatest athletic heroes needlessly being mocked right here on this page. Now, we're not anti-American       quite the opposite. It's just that we couldn't find any East Germany or Soviet Union Olympic Cards to ridicule instead. Let's get started!

Fun fact that we may have made up: After being ridiculed for this photo, Charles Daniels grew a long beard, took up the fiddle and wrote a song about the devil paying a visit to the state of Georgia.

His eyes are up here, buddy: There it is, plain as day. Right there, for the whole Olympiad to see. You know you're looking at it. Why can't you stop? Does it intimidate you? Are you mesmerized by the way it stands out, thanks to Mr. Daniels' sopping wet outfit? The worst part is, you know that after you leave this page, you'll still see it in your mind's eye. I mean, why would a swimmer have a foot with a winged sandal on his suit? Wait, what exactly were you looking at?

Charles Daniels, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 1)

Tommy Kono, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards Hall of Fame (Another Alternative Sports Week No. 2)

Name: Tommy Kono
Position: Weightlifter
Team: The good ol' U.S. of A.
Value of card: It's worth its weight in garbage
Key 1990 stat: 26 hours lifting weights outside a mental institution
10 reasons Tommy Kono made the U.S. Olympic Hall of Fame:
10) He rocked short-shorts like few men in the 1950s.
9) His hairdo's enviable part and wave 30 years before the 1980s.
8) He always reached for new heights.
7) Who else wore church shoes and gym socks while pumping iron?
6) Male cleavage.
5) As seen in this photo, he could lift 50 whole pounds above his head.
4) He held 21 world records (18 for his tan).
3) He doubled as a little-known female superhero in the 30th century of the DC Comics universe.
2) Weights in his hands.
1) Weight in his shorts.

Tommy Kono, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards Hall of Fame (Another Alternative Sports Week No. 2)

John Davis, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Alternative Sports Week No. 4)

Name: John Davis

Team: Team America (1948 and 1952)

Position: Weightlifter

Value of card: 400 lbs.

Key 1952 stat: 400 wedgies

Clearing up some rumors about Olympic weightlifting champion John Davis:

• John Davis may have been able to lift nearly a quarter-ton, but he couldn't carry a tune.
• John Davis wore only the finest tube socks and Chuck Taylors
• John Davis actually had no idea the guy behind him the stands was imitating him.
• John Davis was not related to Jim Davis, creator of that delightful "Garfield" comic strip.
• John Davis picked up a lot of heavy things on stage, but never lifted a finger around the house.
• John Davis actually hated weightlifting. He just really liked the little outfits he got to wear.

John Davis, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Alternative Sports Week No. 4)

Dan Gable, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Alternative Sports Week No. 3)

Name: Dan Gable

Team: The US of A

Position: None quite as homoerotic as this

Value of card: Three pieces of used ear tape

Key 1976 stats: One gold medal; one passionate love affair

10 names for Gable's signature move, seen above:

10) Half-Nelson, Full-Sexy

9) Third Base

8) Slightly Homosexual Pile-Driver

7) 'Taint the Move You Want to Be In

6) Crotchlock

5) Reverse Spandex Smut

4) True Love

3) The Smell This

2) Greco-Roman Romance

1) The Gay-ble

Dan Gable, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Alternative Sports Week No. 3)

John McNally 1992 U.S. OlympiCards (Alternative Sports Week No. 1)

Name: John McNally

Team: The Team with the Goddamn Guns, That's Who

Position: Shooter

Value of card: All the money in the bank McNally just robbed

Key 1991 stat: 25 killed, hundreds wounded

Welcome to Alternative Sports Week: The world of terrible sports cards goes far beyond baseball, football and basketball. Through Christmas, the Bust will bring you wrestlers, hockey players, weight lifters and this guy, John "Shooter" McNally. Happy frickin' holidays.
Don't mess with McNally: "What's that, waitress, you don't have Dr. Pepper? Do you have it when a gun is in your grill?" "Oh, excuse me, barber, you think this mustache should be trimmed a bit? Why don't you recommend that to Mr. Smith and Mr. Wesson?" That's right, John McNally was a hard-ass. He carried a gun at all times, pulled it out whenever he felt like it and used it at a moment's notice. His Olympic sport? Bustin' caps in fools' asses. The 5-foot-2, 145-pound accountant from Wichita, Kan., was the most feared man at the Barcelona Games in 1992. He robbed the Dream Team of their gold medals and their bling. With two bullets, he made the nations of the former Soviet Union compete as the Unified team. He pointed his trusty piece at Dick Ebersol while standing at a urinal and made "skeet shooting" NBC's prime-time event for eight straight days. In 1992, John McNally took aim at greatness, and with a fire in his belly and a firearm in his grip, he shot and scored.

One more thing: That gun is pointed at you, punk. Keep reading.

John McNally 1992 U.S. OlympiCards (Alternative Sports Week No. 1)