Jim Palmer, 1973 Topps Boyhood Photos of the Stars

Names: Jimmy Palmer, Jim Palmer
Teams: Harrison Public School Aquanauts, Baltimore Orioles
Positions: Boy, ace
Value of card: One inner tube with a hole in it
Key 1972 stat: Two balks
Fun facts about Jimmy Palmer, circa 1954, and Jim Palmer, circa 1972:

• In 1954, Jimmy had a well-maintained, respectable haircut. In 1972, Jim had more hair than a chow chow on Rogaine.
•  In 1954, Jimmy liked to go for a swim down at the local watering hole. In 1972, Jim liked to go for a drink down at the local watering hole.
• In 1954, Jimmy wore a rubber inner tube for safety. In 1972, Jim usually didn't bother wearing rubbers for safety.
• In 1954, Jimmy occasionally posed shirtless for photos. A little after 1972, Jim started wearing even less.

Card submitted by Tyler Kepner

Jim Palmer, 1973 Topps Boyhood Photos of the Stars

Luis Mercedes, 1992 Star

Name: Luis Mercedes
Team: Frederick Keys (Orioles affiliate)
Position: Second base
Value of card: Absolutely nothing
Key 1991 stat: Rated best-bunting second baseman who also shared a name with a car
Start your engines: In 1992, the Keys were hoping Luis Mercedes could help them Ford their way to a title with his Jaguar-like speed and Ram-like power. Alas, Luis's average was Mini and his strikeout rate rocketed toward Infiniti. Quickly, Orioles management opted to Dodge a bullet and made the Smart decision, saying Tata to Luis in what was truly a Saab story.

Luis Mercedes, 1992 Star

Sammy Stewart, 1984 Topps

Name: Sammy Stewart
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 dead birds
Key 1983 stat: 1 driver's license photo on a baseball card
Some of the unique pitches that Sammy Stewart threw:

• Nine-seam fastball
• Spit-finger slowball
• Moose knuckler
• The straight, fast Eephus
• Oval change
• Chew spitball

Sammy Stewart, 1984 Topps

The Ripkens, 1989 Bowman

Names: Cal Ripken Jr., Cal Ripken Sr., Billy Ripken
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Positions: Shortstop, manager, second base
Value of card: 5 cents for Cal Jr., 1 cent for Cal Sr., minus 3 cents for Billy = 3 cents
Key 1988 stat: Zero family dinners free of arguments
It's time for a family-not-so-friendly edition of The Matchup, refereed by Cal Ripken Sr.:

Round 1: Fielding ("I got to go with my boy Cal Jr," Cal Sr. says.)
Round 2: Throwing ("Again, my son Cal has Billy beat here.")
Round 3: Hitting for average (Not even close; it's my son Cal.")
Round 4: Hitting for power (Not to pile on, Billy, but I have to go with your brother Cal.")
Round 5: Base running ("This might surprise you, but Billy can be an idiot on the base paths, so I have to go with Cal.")
Round 6: Bulge ("Just take a look at the picture: It's Cal all the way.")
Round 7: Baseball card history ("No one has a better card than my boy Billy. Love ya son!")

Score: Cal Jr. 6, Billy 1

Synopsis: No one knows Cal Sr.'s boys better than Dad, and it shows in this runaway win for the Hall of Famer, save for the greatest error card of all time.

The Ripkens, 1989 Bowman

Ben McDonald, 1993 Milk Bone SuperStars

Names: Ben McDonald, Ace and Max
Teams: Baltimore Orioles, Baltimore Chocolate Labs
Positions: Pitcher, retrievers
Value of card: Two hearts cut in a bench
Key 1992 stat: Four bones buried in the backyard (each)
Not the sharpest tool in the shed: We here at the Bust love Ben McDonald, but he was definitely a little strange. Previously, we detailed the time he tried to talk to the president though a fake microphone. And while Ben could keep his jeans pleated like no one's business, he was certainly gullible, as evidenced by this card. He bought loose-fitting camouflage shirts, expecting to be invisible wherever he went. He purchased a whole litter of chocolate Labradors, expecting them to actually taste like chocolate. And when he found out Baltimore's team was actually called the "Orioles" instead of the "Oreos," he ripped out his uniform's stitching and downed a whole package of Double Stuffs. Hey, at least he didn't eat the dogs.

Ben McDonald, 1993 Milk Bone SuperStars

Denny Martinez, 1982 Topps

Name: Denny Martinez
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 1 Grand Slam at Denny's
Key 1981 stat: 265 Grand Slams eaten at Denny's by Denny
Denny Martinez's autograph is a bit confusing; here's what it might say:

• Itsa Jesus Party
• Look, jeers patented
• Lardo Chorizo Pastrami
• Latin satin perfection
• Glorious hair helmet of love (in Spanish)
• El Dennis Presidente

Denny Martinez, 1982 Topps

Earl Weaver, 1983 Topps (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 1)

Name: Earl Weaver
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Manager
Value of card: 2 ounces of Weaver spit
Key 1982 stat: 14 tons of dirt kicked on umpires' shoes
Baseball's back, baby: We here at The Bust believe that when you do something well, you should do it again. Nevertheless, we're bringing you the second installment of Coach-Manager Week, featuring some of the grumpiest and grimiest old men the sports world has ever seen, just in time for Opening Day.

Some make-believe sage advice from Earl Weaver, given during the photo shoot pictured above:

• "Even if you're not drunk, look drunk."
• "Combs are for sissies and Yankees."
• "Orioles make for good eatin'. I'm talkin' 'bout the bird, idiot."
• "Sometimes, you have to visit a blind barber."
• "Wrinkles are the road map of the face. Grow some."
• "Next time you're feelin' blue, spit on an umpire."

Earl Weaver, 1983 Topps (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 1)

Damon Buford, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 2)

Name: Damon Buford
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A case of poison ivy
Key 1991 stat: Two shades of gray
Today's fashion model: Today we have Damon Buford, a center fielder who might have a few holes in his swing, but doesn't have any in his wardrobe. Damon is looking dapper, wearing a suit that he made himself out of the drapes from his parents' bedroom. Even repurposed, those curtains still hang elegantly. Damon scoffs at the notion that belts need to be "tight" or "hold things up." Instead, he has taken an airplane seat belt and wrapped it nonchalantly around his waist. Touché! And Damon's brand new black mock-turtleneck completes his look, which resembles something a not-very-talented jazz musician might wear. With this much style, there's no doubt that Damon is "da man."

Damon Buford, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 2)

Earl Weaver, 1982 Donruss

Name: Earl Weaver
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Manager
Value of card: A minuscule denomination of money no longer in circulation
Key 1981 stat: 211,900 wrinkles
10 real quotes from the one and only Earl Weaver:
10) "Coaches are an integral part of any manager's team, especially if they are good pinochle players."
9) "We're so bad right now that for us back-to-back home runs means one today and another one tomorrow."
8) "Optimism is the cheerful frame of mind that enables a teakettle to sing, though in hot water up to its nose."
7) "Smart managing is dumb. The three-run homers you trade for in December will always beat brains."
6) "(That umpire) is incompetent. (Those other two umpires) are almost as incompetent as (the first umpire). ... The blind one. ... The worst. ... Not smart enough to remember the rule book. ... If he ever touches me again without that blue uniform on, I'll consider it assault and his family will have to fly to see him at Johns Hopkins Hospital."
5) "Don't worry. The fans don't start booing until July."
4) "I think the National League has better biorhythms in July."
3) "Every time I fail to smoke a cigarette between innings, the opposition will score."
2) "If you know how to cheat, start now."
1) "On my tombstone just write, 'The sorest loser that ever lived.'"

Earl Weaver, 1982 Donruss

Mickey Tettleton, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings

Name: Mickey Tettleton
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Catcher
Value of card: One Mickey's cap (not Tettleton's hat)
Key 1989 stat: Apparently, dodged a lot of paintballs
Fun facts about Mickey Tettleton and American painter Jackson Pollock:

• Jackson Pollock was renowned for dripping paint on the canvas. Mickey Tettleton was renowned for letting the last few drops drip down his pants.
• Pollock's work has been displayed in the MoMA. Tettleton's trophies are still on display at his mom's house.
• One of Pollock's most impressive works was "No. 5 1948." Tettleton once took an impressive No. 2 after eating 1,948 doughnut holes in a day.
• Pollock's art has been the subject of much critical debate. Tettleton's play was also the subject of much criticism.
• Pollock died in 1965, and was thus spared from the ridiculous 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings subset, including this Tettleton card.

Mickey Tettleton, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings

Mike Mussina, 1995 Fleer Pro-Visions

Name: Mike Mussina
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Ace
Value of card: Three blood-stained feathers
Key 1994 stat: 12 drugs taken before painting a portrait
WARNING! A few warnings about this card:

• WARNING: Lava in the shape of a stoned crow will threaten Mike Mussina.
• WARNING: Skin will start to fall off all Orioles pitchers' arms.
• WARNING: A sea of water and baseballs opens up below the pitcher's mound.
• WARNING: An athletic pitcher will develop a massive beer gut in this illustration.
• WARNING: Baseball field has morphed into a national park.
• WARNING: Giant alien's leg has mysteriously entered the card.
• WARNING: Stenciled street signs depict giant flaming baseballs hitting black-and-orange birds.

Mike Mussina, 1995 Fleer Pro-Visions

Cal Ripken Jr., 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: Cal Ripken Jr.
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: 3 cents a minute
Key 1993 stat: $14,921 monthly phone bill
10 things that Cal Ripken Jr. heard on the phone during this conversation:
10) "We've been talking for 30 seconds. Your arm must be getting tired."
9) "Cal, it's your brother Billy. I wrote something about you on my bat's knob."
8) "Hurry up and miss a game already; you're making everybody look bad."
7) "Please enter a credit card number for 15 more minutes of hot, steamy, unadulterated pillow talk."
6) "Did you buy the phone because it matches your hair color, which matches your cold, gray eyes?"
5) "Cal, it's me, Brian. You talk to Gary or Joe?"
4) "This is Mr. T, foo. Gimme back my necklace."
3) "Sir, is your refrigerator running?"
2) "When you're done with this call, just use the phone as a bat."
1) "Hey, Cal. You just answered the toaster."

Cal Ripken Jr., 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Cal Ripken Jr., 1992 Donruss Triple Play Little Hotshots

Name: Cal Ripken Jr.
Team: Baltimore Orioles (about a decade after this photo was taken)
Positions: Shortstop; li'l stinker
Value of card: Two sticks of gum in a pack of baseball cards when Ripken was 11
Key fourth-grade stat: 22 hours in detention
Time for an elementary school pop quiz:

Why was young Cal Ripken Jr. in detention?

(A) He had a terrible attendance record.
(B) He got caught writing the F-word on his brother's bat.
(C) That sweater vest.
(D) He was reading "Iron Man" comic books in class.
(E) All of the above.

Cal Ripken Jr., 1992 Donruss Triple Play Little Hotshots

Cal Ripken Jr., 1993 Milk Bone Super Stars

Names: Cal Ripken Jr., Champagne
Teams: Baltimore Orioles, Baltimore-area fleabags
Positions: Shortstop, bitch
Value of card: 12 dead fleas
Key 1992 stat: 22 cars chased (Ripken)
It's time for a man-vs.-beast edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: In need of an ambitious brushing (Winner: Ripken)
Round 2: Had to wear one of those cones around his neck after surgery (Winner: Ripken)
Round 3: Once humped the leg of the Orioles mascot (Winner: Ripken)
Round 4: Caught a case of fleas in his "coat" (Winner: Ripken)
Round 5: Enjoys a good scratch behind his ear (Winner: Ripken)
Round 6: Kicks up legs after going No. 2 (Winner: Ripken)
Round 7: Appears to be wearing a collar in this photo (Winner: Ripken)

Score: Ripken 7, Champagne 0, Ties 0

Synopsis: In this battle of man vs. beast, Ripken completes a shutout win, allowing him to partake in the spoils of victory and sip Champagne. (vomit noises)

Cal Ripken Jr., 1993 Milk Bone Super Stars

Frank Zupo, 1958 Topps

Name: Frank Zupo
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 6 ounces of Zupo-brand chew spit
Key 1957 stat: 16 guys made to, hey-oh, you know, disappear
A pretty good fella: The feds were on Frankie Zupo's trail. He was a hardened gangster whose body count was one of the highest in New York, and he didn't hide from attention. But when he clipped a dirty copper, see, and he knew his time was up, see, he made a bold move, see: He changed his name ever so slightly, moved to Baltimore and started playing baseball. Surprisingly, some of his nicknames from his life of crime stayed with him between the diamond's lines.
A few of Zupo's nicknames:

• Frankie "The Brow" Zupo
• Frankie "The Monobrow Murderer" Zupo
• Frankie "Two Mustaches in the Wrong Place" Zupo
• Frankie "A Cat Died on My Face" Zupo
• "Spanky" Frankie Zupo

Frank Zupo, 1958 Topps

Cal Ripken, 1992 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 2)

Name: Cal Ripken Jr.
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: A piece of coal
Key 1991 stat: Played chicken with 13 Baltimore-area trains
Hit the snooze button: What does the locomotive symbolize in your bizarre dream about a very stern Cal Ripken?

A) An upcoming journey      probably to the toilet
B) Your lack of control in life      and of your bladder
C) An oncoming disaster      like wetting the bed
D) Your fondness for antiquated technology      like chamber pots
E) Will you just get up and piss already?
F) None of the above      you've passed out in your car again, this time at a railroad crossing. Wake up!

Cal Ripken, 1992 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 2)

Arthur Rhodes, 1992 Pinnacle Rookie Prospect

Name: Arthur Rhodes
Team: Baltimore Orioles™
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 12 feathers from carcass of an oriole a soiled pigeon
Key 1991 stat: 47 dead orioles kept in a drawer
Orioles' scouting report on rookie prospect Arthur Rhodes: "We paid him his salary in fake gold jewelry, so it's no big deal if he doesn't pan out. ... If he can get as much movement on his curveball as he does on his mouth, we'll be all right. ... A minus: Falls off the mound after every pitch. ... A plus: Crossed eyes might confuse batters. ... Flipped us 'the bird' upon arrival, which actually fits in well with the Orioles franchise. ... Favorite actor? Dudley Moore. Favorite movie? Yup, 'Arthur.' ... We're always looking for a few good bulges. And this one comes with a twist."

Arthur Rhodes, 1992 Pinnacle Rookie Prospect

Lenn Sakata, 1981 Donruss

Name: Lenn Sakata
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Second base
Value of card: 2 ounces of crumbled cicada shells
Key 1980 stat: 29 instances where Sakata's similarity to the Orioles mascot was pointed out by fans
Fun facts about the cicada, a winged insect, and Lenn Sakata, an Orioles infielder:

• The cicada is recognizable by its transparent, well-veined wings. Sakata is recognizable by his curly, well-groomed wings.
• The cicada is related to leafhoppers and spittlebugs. Sakata is related to people who get hopped up and spittle all over themselves.
• The cicada has prominent eyes set wide apart on its head. Sakata has prominent glasses that make his eyes appear to be set wide apart on his head.
• The cicada comes out of its shell after a number of years. Sakata comes out of his shell after a number of brewskis.
• The cicada produces its distinctive song through noisemakers called "tymbals" on its abdominal base. Sakata also produces a distinctive noise from what could be called his "abdominal base."

Lenn Sakata, 1981 Donruss

Jeff Williams, 1992 Bowman (Bowman Fashion Week No. 1)

Name: Jeff Williams
Team: Hagerstown Suns (Orioles affiliate)
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Whatever you can find in that tiny, useless pocket that jeans have
Key 1991 stat: Didn't like denim; loved denim
Welcome to Bowman Fashion Week: For the next seven days, we here at the Bust will bring you some of the most hideous intriguing style choices ever to grace cardboard. The kicker? They're all from the 1992 Bowman set. It's almost as though the good folks at Bowman got together and said, "Hey, baseball is a timeless sport, so let's go ahead and feature some the game's future stars and Jeff Williams in attire that will be woefully outdated five weeks from now!" Good call, gents. If clothes make the man, then, well, check back next week for actual men.

Today's fashion model: Here we see Baltimore Orioles second-round draft pick and future flame-out Jeff Williams donning the always-hip Canadian tuxedo. Sure, he's owned those Lee jeans for the better part of five years, but that crisp denim button-down just came off the rack at Kmart last week, thanks to Mr. Williams' signing bonus. Jeff is also suave enough to remove his glove in order to show off the Casio digital watch his mom got him for Christmas. That's right, folks, this modern timepiece features both a stopwatch setting and a backlight. That's fashion and function, all on one rubber wristband!

Jeff Williams, 1992 Bowman (Bowman Fashion Week No. 1)

Ken Singleton, 1982 Donruss Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Name: Ken Singleton
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 12 lead paint chips
Key 1982 stat: Low bar for Diamond Kings
Merry Christmas, and welcome to Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week: Look, we know what you're thinking. "You're giving me more Diamond Kings for Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa? You guys are about as original as Adam Sandler these days." It's true, we've taken a few pokes at the work of the infamous artist Perez, but we don't think you understand how atrocious, how dreadful, how god-awful these things really were at times. So pour some extra rum in that egg nog      here we go again with the most horrendous Diamond Kings money can buy (and it can buy a lot of them).
What makes this a horrendous Diamond King: Let's start at the back. Are those just a bunch of puke-colored stripes or is that a direct ripoff of the flag of some small African nation? Moving forward, is Ken Singleton hunchbacked? What's with the lump between his right shoulder and his neck? Whatever the case, I'm pretty sure he didn't have a lazy eye, as depicted here. Of course, all of these things could be excused. It's not like we could paint Ken Singleton any better. But I'm pretty sure that we wouldn't paint him as a little white dude, as seen at bottom right. Seriously, what is Cal Ripken's face doing on Ken Singleton's body? You got his skin tone right the first time     what the hell happened with the smaller version? That's just horrendous.

Ken Singleton, 1982 Donruss Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 1)