Ozzie Guillen, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Name: Ozzie Guillen
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: Two blue squares
Key 1989 stat: No curse-laden rants in front of the media
Ozzie Guillen's reaction after seeing this Diamond King for the first time: "What is this? What the (expletive) is this? Is this a (expletive) joke? Look at this piece of (expletive)! Is that suppose to be my face? Does this mother(expletive) artist think I had a (expletive) stroke, or did he make one half of my beautiful face sag for no good (expletive) reason? You got to be (expletive) kiddin' me! And what is that stupid (expletive) background? I could draw something (expletive) better than that (expletive) by eating a box of (expletive) crayons and (expletive) them out of my (expletive) on a blank (expletive) canvas! Those colors make me want to (expletive) puke all over the (expletive) floor. What is that (expletive) blue thing supposed to be? Part of the (expletive) state of Kentucky? A (expletive) tear in the space-time (expletive) continuum? No (expletive) way. No chance. Who would buy this (expletive) (expletive)? (Expletive)."

Ozzie Guillen, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Ozzie Smith, 1981 Donruss

Name: Ozzie Smith
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: 11 banana peels
Key 1980 stat: 820 days before being traded for Garry Templeton (nice, Padres, nice)
Ozzie Smith was known as "The Wizard" for making magical plays; here are some of his best:

• He dove for a ground ball into the hole, popped up, made the throw to first and realized the infield dirt had turned his uniform the colors of throw-up.
• He sprung into the air to snag a line drive, propelled upward by his magnificent afro.
• He caught a ball that careened off his face, stylishly shaping his sideburns.
• He somehow, beyond all expectations, kept that hat on his head without once falling off for a full game.
• He orchestrated a trade to the Cardinals and won a World Series and made the Hall of Fame.

Ozzie Smith, 1981 Donruss

Ozzie Smith, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 6)

Name: Ozzie Smith
Team: Washington Wizards St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: One YouTube clip of some kid talking about "Magic: The Gathering"
Key 1993 stat: Mustache was perfectly flat
Good vs. evil: Ozzie Smith was known as "The Wizard" during his playing days, thanks to his flashy but solid defense and success with the bat. Here, in this LSD-inspired card, Smith is portrayed as an actual wizard, though one who uses a baseball glove instead of a staff or wand. But does he use his magical powers for good or evil? Let's investigate.

Good: Has the ability to call wild birds to him; doesn't mind when they poop on his shoulder.
Evil: Uses said birds to steal Tony Gwynn's halo of baseballs.
Good: Plants little pine trees along his yellow-brick driveway.
Evil: Seems happy that there's some sort of forest fire happening on the left side of the card.
Good: Lives in a bright, magical castle that totally increased his neighborhood's property values.
Evil: Despite its hue, said castle is not "green," lacking solar panels, composting and a recycling program.

Verdict: Hell, who cares? These cards have inspired us to drink a little mushroom tea. If you need us, we'll be examining the shrubs for the next six hours.

Ozzie Smith, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 6)

Ozzie Guillen, 1990 Bowman

Name: Ozzie Guillen
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: On the Cuban black market, still nothing
Key 1989 stat: Magic Marker eyebrows
Fun facts about suspended Miami Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen and the hideous sculpture in his team's stadium:

• The Marlins' sculpture offends people with its loud music and bright colors. Ozzie offends people with his loud mouth and not-so-bright comments.
• The Marlins' sculpture does crazy things during the team's home games. Ozzie says crazy things whenever he pleases.
• The Marlins' sculpture does its job when the team hits a home run. Ozzie's going to lose his job if the team doesn't start hitting more home runs.
• Ozzie Guillen offered praise for an oppressive dictator. The Marlins' sculpture could be considered a torture device.
• Ozzie Guillen apologized for his comments about Fidel Castro. Castro and the rest of the world are owed an apology for that outfield monstrosity.

Ozzie Guillen, 1990 Bowman

Ozzie Guillen, 2007 Topps (Coach-Manager Week No. 4)

Name: Ozzie (expletive) Guillen
Team: Chicago White (expletive) Sox
Position: Manager, mother(expletive)!
Value of card: Go (expletive) yourself!
Key 2006 stat: Bend over, (expletive), and I'll show you!
Ozzie Guillen's reaction to The Bust after learning he'd be featured on the site (imagine thick accent): "Excuse me? Excuse me! You talkin' about those (expletive) jokers? Those pieces of (expletive)? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! That site isn't worth the (expletive) that comes out of my (expletive) after I eat (expletive) Korean (expletive) food out of a (expletive) baby's (expletive)-stained diaper. Look at this (expletive) site. Are you kidding me? Are you (expletive) kidding me? Look at that (expletive) background. Those stupid, soft, untalented, lazy mother(expletives) still haven't updated the site's design? Aren't these wastes of (expletive) space coming up on 900 (expletive), (expletive), (expletive), moronic posts? What a (expletive) joke. I don't want my face on this piece of (expletive). No way. No how. No (expletive) chance in hell. If these (expletive) embarrassments don't have the (expletive) talent or the (expletive) smarts to make their dog(expletive) blog look a bit better after more than two years, (expletive) them and the (expletive) horse they (expletive) rode in on. (Expletive.)"

Ozzie Guillen, 2007 Topps (Coach-Manager Week No. 4)

Ozzie Guillen, 1987 Donruss

Name: Ozzie Guillen
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: Two ounces of crazy
Key 1986 stat: Zero big league teams in Florida
Ozzie being Ozzie: With America's favorite manager on his way to Miami, we at the Bust thought it a good time to reprint a few classic quotes from Ozzie Guillen.

• "In the '80s and '90s, people made a lot of money and built houses. The first thing they put in their houses was a gym. In my house, the first thing I built was a bar. The second thing I built was another bar."
• "What attracted me to my wife is she's hot. She's also nice, she's a great mom — but that comes after she's hot."
• On Wrigley Field:  "I puke every time I go there."
• "I'm the Charlie Sheen of baseball, minus the drugs and the prostitutes."
• "I'm not a quitter. When I want to quit, I'll do a lot of stupid things and make sure they fire me and get paid."
• "I hope I die on the field. I hope when I walk to change the pitcher, I drop dead and that’s it. I know my family would be so happy that it happened on the field. They wouldn’t feel bad because that’s what I’ve always wanted to do."

Ozzie Guillen, 1987 Donruss

Ozzie Smith, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 14)

Name: Ozzie Smith

Team: St. Louis Cardinals

Position: Shortstop

Value of card: Lots of hidden costs

Key 1990 stat: 14 games of hide-and-go-seek won

Time for a — Hey, where'd you go? — pop quiz:

Where's Ozzie? Wherrrrrre's Ozzie?

(A) Ozzie who? Where?

(B) I'm confused. You're talking about the card above?

(C) Not sure I see anyone around.

(D) Well, this "Ozzie" to whom you're referring must be hidden really well.

(E) I can't find him anywhere. That little guy is so good at hiding.

(F) Ozzie? Ozzzzie? Ozzzzzzzzie?

(G) Oh, there you are, precious. Were you behind that glove the whole time? Awww.

Ozzie Smith, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 14)

Ozzie Smith, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Ozzie Smith
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: One lobotomy
Key 1990 stat: Four red sleeves
Quiet down, over there. It's time for a pop quiz:

All right, Ozzie, just what the heck is so funny?

A) "Look at Coach Herzog's tummy!"
B) "Willie McGee is making funny faces again."
C) "Remember those old Padres uniforms? How can you not laugh at them?"
D) "Nothing. I'm just having heat stroke from all the shirts I'm wearing!"
E) "That kid Cole looks just like Urkel. What a cut-up!"
F) "I'm drunk as hell!"
G) None of the above. Definitely none of the above.

Ozzie Smith, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Ozzie Smith, 1979 Topps

Name: Ozzie Smith
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: One wiz
Key 1978 stat: Serious muttonchops
Overcoming adversity: Few people know that a freak tractor accident left Ozzie Smith unable to grow facial hair below the mouthline. Sure, he could cultivate a mean mustache and muttonchops that would make Hugh Jackman jealous, but Smith's baby-smooth lower jaw still drew taunts from teammates, opponents and fans. Things changed when the beardless wonder was traded to St. Louis. He met a mysterious white wizard who passed his powers on to Smith. These abilities included flying upside down and — lo and behold — growing hair where he never before could! Brimming with confidence and magic, Smith went on to win the World Series, as well as the 1982 National League MVB — Most Valuable Beard.

Ozzie Smith, 1979 Topps