Mark Chmura, 1998 Fleer Ultra (Football Friday No. 217)

Name: Mark Chmura
Team: Green Bay Packers
Position: Tight end
Value of card: Sorry, it went up in smoke
Key 1998 stat: More forearm hair than an orangutan
It's a pop quiz on the frozen tundra: What the heck did Mark Chmura eat?

(A) Dry ice
(B) A bushel of bhut jolokias
(C) One of those foam cheeseheads, covered in Tabasco
(D) The vowel that's supposed to be the third letter of his surname
(E) All of the above

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Mark Chmura, 1998 Fleer Ultra (Football Friday No. 217)

Sterling Sharpe, 1995 Fleer Pro Visions (Football Friday No. 214)

Name: Sterling Sharpe
Team: Green Bay Packers
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 7 shards of glass
Key 1994 stat: 116 cuts
Some explanations for this high-concept (cough, cough) illustration:

• Sharpe is breaking through the glass ceiling after men named Sterling had been held back for decades by people with normal names.
• Sharpe is jumping from space and shattering the sky because, you know, that makes sense.
• Sharpe is on a wicked-awesome trip after mistakenly eating the wrong kind of brownies at a music festival.
• Sharpe is a pawn of an unimaginative artist playing off his last name as an illustrated pun that really doesn't make sense (kind of like the Bust).

Sterling Sharpe, 1995 Fleer Pro Visions (Football Friday No. 214)

Brett Favre, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 4)

Name: Brett Favre
Team: Green Bay Packers
Positions: Quarterback, knight
Value of card: 2 bags of the finest spice (spoiled)
Key 1993 stat: 41 dinners at Medieval Times
Possible names for Brett Favre had he been a knight in the middle ages:

• Sir Brett Plumehead
• Lord Favre of Lambeau
• Knight of the Green-and-Gold
• Grey Beard, Protector of the Cheeseheads
• Brett the Unshaven, First of His Name
• Prince Packer of House Bulge

Brett Favre, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 4)

Ray Nitschke, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 200)

Name: Ray Nitschke
Team: Green Bay Packers
Position: Middle linebacker
Value of card: Twice as much because of that awesome animated player in the left-hand corner
Key 1970 stat: 87 clocks cleaned
Marking the occasion: This is the 200th Football Friday here at the Bust, so we wanted to bring you a card of a classic football player. We won't be poking fun at Mr. Nitschke, mainly because we think he could still beat us to a bloody pulp from beyond the grave. He was the prototypical middle linebacker, a guy who hit so hard he practically invented the concussion. He wasn't really bald; he shaved his head like that to guarantee no hair would act as padding and lessen a blow. He was a man's man and his toughness helped define the NFL. So let us just go ahead and apologize for featuring you, Mr. Nitschke, on a blog written by a couple of weaklings.

Ray Nitschke, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 200)

Chester Marcol and Bobby Howfield, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 199)

Names: Chester Marcol, Bobby Howfield
Teams: Green Bay Packers, New York Jets
Position: Kickers, both of 'em
Value of card: Four broken kicking tees
Key 1972 stats: Kicked a lot of field goals, or something
It's time for a special (teams) Matchup:

Round 1: Tiny little itsy-bitsy head (Winner: Marcol)
Round 2: Jersey airbrushed green even though he didn't switch teams (Winner: Marcol)
Round 3: Illuminated by the sweet, bright light of heaven itself (Winner: Howfield)
Round 4: Cultivated sideburns to make up for male-pattern baldness (Winner: Howfield)
Round 5: White-guy 'fro (Winner: Marcol)
Round 6: Could be mistaken for some sort of English gentleman (Winner: Howfield)
Round 7: Could be mistaken for a 12-year-old (Winner: Marcol)
Round 8: Mastered the art of posing in front of a tree (Winner: Tie)

Final score: Marcol 4, Howfield 3 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: It went down to the wire, but thanks to his boyish charm and needlessly retouched uniform, Chester Marcol split the uprights in this Matchup, sending Bobby Howfield and the Jets to another defeat. (Don't worry, they're used to it.)

Chester Marcol and Bobby Howfield, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 199)

Tony Mandarich, 1989 Score (Football Friday No. 193)

Name: Tony Mandarich
Team: Green Bay Packers
Position: Offensive tackle
Value of card: Not a lot of green
Key 1988 stat: 425 pounds of weights burgers lifted
Green Bay Packers' scouting report on 1989 rookie Tony Mandarich: "With a dome like that, we won't have to waste money on a helmet for him. ... We'll need to check to make sure both his eyes work. ... Sweater shows he has style; still no word on his substance. ... No chance this guy turns out to be one of the biggest first-round busts of all-time. No chance. ... We'll need to teach him how to thicken up that stringy mullet. ... Sure, he has 'man' and 'rich' in his last name, but 'duh' would have been more appropriate than 'da.' ... If he doesn't have a future on the Green Bay Packers, he probably has a future with the Sears Warehouse Packers."

Tony Mandarich, 1989 Score (Football Friday No. 193)

Willie Wood, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 187)

Name: Willie Wood
Team: Green Bay Packers
Position: Safety and "all-star"
Value of card: 1 pound of wood
Key 1970 stat: 15 percent of sky missing behind him at all times
It's time for a man-vs.-cartoon version of The Matchup:

Round 1: Massive muscles (Winner: Tiny Yellow Mutated Topps Football Player Icon)
Round 2: Too manly for a face mask (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Monochromatic uniform choice (Winner: Tiny Yellow Mutated Topps Football Player Icon)
Round 4: Shape of scrotum, upside down (Winner: Tiny Yellow Mutated Topps Football Player Icon)
Round 5: Catchy name (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Ability to play football despite disfigured left arm (Winner: Tiny Yellow Mutated Topps Football Player Icon)
Round 7: Offseason gig as a "Speed Racer" villain (Winner: Tiny Yellow Mutated Topps Football Player Icon)

Score: Tiny Yellow Mutated Topps Football Player Icon 5, Willie Wood 0, Ties 2

Synopsis: Willie Wood might have been a tough "all star" football player, but he never stood a chance against a competitor who seems to be drawn to victory.

Willie Wood, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 187)

John Hadl, 1976 Topps (Football Friday No. 177)

Name: John Hadl's dad
Team: Dressed as a member of the Green Bay Packers
Position: Fake quarterback
Value of card: Getting your dad his own football card? Priceless
Key 1975 stat: One dream lived vicariously through his son
What a gift: John Hadl was a good son. He cared about his family and was always looking to repay his parents for all they did for him growing up. For holidays and birthdays, he always gave them the best gifts. But he outdid himself in 1976. You see, that's not John Hadl in the photo above. That's Mr. Hadl, John Hadl's dad. John, then the quarterback of the Green Bay Packers, gave his dad the gift of a lifetime: a day acting like he was the quarterback for his favorite team, his son's Packers. Mr. Hadl got to dress in the green-and-yellow, throw passes to real (much younger) players, and even participate in a football card photo shoot. For one day, he could leave the cheesehead at home and rock the bald head at practice.

John Hadl, 1976 Topps (Football Friday No. 177)

Tony Mandarich, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 28)

Name: Tony Mandarich
Team: Green Bay Packers
Position: Offensive (really offensive) tackle
Value of card: Two Gatorade bottles of sweat
Key 1990 stat: 2,984 hours worked as a packer (a UPS warehouse packer, post-NFL)
It's time for a bust-on-the-Bust pop quiz:

What's that tattoo on Mandarich's left arm?

(A) It's a dagger with a sweaty, sleeveless shirt wrapped around it.
(B) It's a sword with a ribbon cascading down, symbolizing the trajectory of a career that started when he was chosen No. 2 in a draft in which four of the first five picks were elected to the Hall of Fame.
(C) It's, ahem, a syringe symbolizing, well, you know, c'mon.
(D) It's a 1980s-era homage to Guns 'n Roses.
(E) All of the ... er, it's actually D. (He also had a dog named Axl, apparently.)

Tony Mandarich, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 28)

Sean Jones, 1994 Coke Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week No. 1)

Name: Sean Jones, aka Ghost

Team: Scream Bay Packers

Position: Defensive end

Fright value of card: Four soiled bandages

Key 1994 splat: One confused photographer

Welcome to Halloween Week: Run! It's a ... ghost? Or a mummy? It's all very confusing. Maybe not as confusing as having a 270-pound defensive lineman dress up as some sort of monster to begin with, but still. The poor Coke photographer had a totally scary see-through sheet with eyeholes for Sean Jones — except that Jones showed up in a homemade mummy outfit. "Uh, Mr. Jones," the photog said, "we've got your ghost costume all ready for you." Jones only scoffed. "Please," he said, "I think I know what a ghost looks like. I've been to Tulsa." Now completely bewildered, the photographer decided it best to just go ahead with the shoot. "OK, act like a ghost, Mr. Jones." Jones started stumbling slowly around the studio, knocking over lights and groaning. The photog then informed Jones that such behavior was more mummylike than ghostly. Jones, now enraged, began chasing the photographer around the studio, eventually catching him and tearing off one of his arms. Sean Jones retired from professional football in 1997.

Sean Jones, 1994 Coke Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week No. 1)

Aaron Taylor, 1994 Skybox (Football Friday No. 18)

Name: Aaron "2Story" Taylor

Teams: Green Bay Packers, South Side Gangstarz

Positions: Offensive lineman, the muscle

Value of card: Break yo'self for that coin, son

Key 1993 stat: Two AR-15s, playa

From the hood to the tundra: Check yo'self, son. Aaron Taylor is a beast from da block. He been choppin' it up since he was knee-high to a butta'fly, and you know 'dis. This mo'fo ran with the South Side Gangstarz with his killa-cutteez, Ice Bone aka Sweet Toof and Lil' WetJesus. 2Story was the muscle for the South Side Gangstarz, and 'dis baby-faced brotha never hesitated to jack your chain or put some punk from 'round da way 6 feet deep. 'Den some suit with pretty teeth saw him in da hood and offered him a job north side, with Da Green Bay (Thumb) Packers, son. 2Story figured he could chop game with some straight green chronic in Da Green Bay, so he 'cepted the job and left the gat under the pilla at him momma's hout. He went up to Da Green Bay, brought some sticky-icky, and showed 'dem NFL playas what South Side be about, son.

Aaron Taylor, 1994 Skybox (Football Friday No. 18)

Sterling Sharpe, 1990 Score (Football Friday No. 15)

Name: Sterling Sharpe
Team: Green Bay Packers
Positions: Wide receiver, Rocket man
Value of card: One background from an Atari football video game
Key 1989 stat: 134 times impersonating Elton John
Sterling Shatner sings: She packed my pads last night, preflight. Zero hour, nine a.m. And I'm gonna be high as Brett Favre by then.
I miss the Earth so much. I miss my wife. It's lonely out in Green Bay, on such a timeless flight. And I think it's gonna be a long, long time till a touchdown brings me round again to find I'm not the man they think I am at home. Oh no, no, no, I'm a rocket man.
Rocket man, burning out his fuse up here alone.
Lambeau ain't the kind of place to raise your kids. In fact it's cold as hell — and there's no one there to raise them if you did. And all this science, I don't understand. It's just my job one day a week. A rocket man, a rocket man. And I think it's gonna be a long, long time...

Sterling Sharpe, 1990 Score (Football Friday No. 15)