Greg Anthony, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Name: Greg Anthony
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The dictionary page with the word "bust" on it, torn out
Key 1991 stat: Always tried to blend into the background
San Diego Padres scouting report on draft pick Greg Anthony: "He's got three solid pitches      by which we mean we need to limit his pitch count to three. ... He's very insistent that we change our uniforms to paisley. ... Plus-plus ability to pose in front of trees. ... Almost strangled himself with his own necklace a couple of times. ... Eats Vienna sausages by the case. ... It's always risky drafting a two-sport star, but he could pay off. Wait, this is UNLV's Greg Anthony, right? No? That's it, I resign."

Greg Anthony, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Roberto Alomar, Sandy Alomar Sr., Sandy Alomar Jr., 1989 Bowman

Names: Roberto Alomar, Sandy Alomar Sr., Sandy Alomar Jr.
Team: San Diego Padres
Positions: Second base, coach, catcher
Value of card: Two ants crawling on an old tube-style TV that was left by the side of the road
Key 1988 stat: Lots of brown clothes
"TV Guide" summary of a 1989 episode of the lowly regarded show "All Those Alomars": "Robby and Sandy Sr. pressure Junior to grow a mustache so he can be like them. Junior refuses and proceeds to shave his whole body in defiance. Robby and his dad argue over who plays second base better, and hijinks ensue. Junior squats a lot. The Griffeys make a guest appearance."

Roberto Alomar, Sandy Alomar Sr., Sandy Alomar Jr., 1989 Bowman

Vicente Romo, 1974 Topps

Name: Vicente Romo
Team: San Diego Padres Washington "Nat'l Lea."
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Three soggy cardboard boxes
Key 1973 stat: Spilled mustard on his jersey 142 times without anyone noticing
Jumping the gun: In 1974, it appeared that the San Diego Padres were about to be sold and moved to Washington, D.C. Topps, with its high standards of quality (*cough*) decided it would print its set on the assumption the sale would go through, replacing the city and team name, even though the latter wasn't yet known (hence the ever-so-helpful "Nat'l Lea."). However, McDonald's owner Ray Kroc stepped in at the last minute and purchased the Padres, keeping them in town with no changes      not even in their terrible play or bodily function-colored uniforms.
And now, a quiz: How can we tell Vicente Romo is expecting to relocate, based on his above photo?
(A) He's pointing up toward the air, either at a plane or the home run ball he just surrendered.
(B) His sideburns distinctly resemble an aircraft's landing gear.
(C) His uncut hair appears to be flying away from his body.
(D) He's wearing a parachute as an undershirt.
(E) All of the above

Vicente Romo, 1974 Topps

Bruce Bochy, 1987 Fleer

Name: Bruce Bochy
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Catcher
Value of card: A nickel, swallowed and then crapped out
Key 1986 stat: Hated having his photo taken, apparently
Other than a 35-pound chew, here's what else could be in Bruce Bochy's mouth:

• His catcher's mask
• A second (and third) mustache
• The San Diego Chicken's headpiece
• A whole case of sunflower seeds
• A roll of film he forcibly took from the cameraman
• Rookie Benny Santiago's entire lunch
• A 65-pound chew

Bruce Bochy, 1987 Fleer

Dickie Thon, 1989 Donruss

Name: Dickie Thon
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: 2 stretched-out stirrups
Key 1988 stat: 76 bunt attempts
Here's what Dickie Thon stands for:

Didn't mind being called "Dickie," which is awesome.
In terms of bulge, this guy led the Padres.
Chuckles over his name were common.
Kind of looked like that waiter at the Italian restaurant.
Inside the clubhouse, he played "The Thon Song"
Even his wife couldn't get those stirrups off him.

Thought he was playing pool when he got in the batter's box.
Held the bat like a real pro when bunting.
Only player on the Padres who liked the 1980s uniform colors.
Never met an extra-large cup he wouldn't wear.

Dickie Thon, 1989 Donruss

Oscar Azocar, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Oscar Azocar
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Two awkward hugs
Key 1992 stat: 16 times caught embracing his bat in the dugout
Oscar Azocar loved his bat despite despite a .226 career batting average; some other Azocar contradictions:

• He loved his barber despite his mini-fro cut.
• He hated "Magnum P.I." despite his mustache.
• He loved being on baseball cards despite the one above.
• He hated "Sesame Street" despite his first name.
• He loved women despite this card's implications.
• He hated Julio Franco despite ripping off his pose.

Oscar Azocar, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Ozzie Smith, 1981 Donruss

Name: Ozzie Smith
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: 11 banana peels
Key 1980 stat: 820 days before being traded for Garry Templeton (nice, Padres, nice)
Ozzie Smith was known as "The Wizard" for making magical plays; here are some of his best:

• He dove for a ground ball into the hole, popped up, made the throw to first and realized the infield dirt had turned his uniform the colors of throw-up.
• He sprung into the air to snag a line drive, propelled upward by his magnificent afro.
• He caught a ball that careened off his face, stylishly shaping his sideburns.
• He somehow, beyond all expectations, kept that hat on his head without once falling off for a full game.
• He orchestrated a trade to the Cardinals and won a World Series and made the Hall of Fame.

Ozzie Smith, 1981 Donruss

Brad Pounders and Jerald Clark, 1989 Fleer Major League Prospects

Names: Brad Pounders, Jerald Clark
Team: San Diego Padres
Positions: First base, outfield
Value of card: 3 ounces of sun-burnt moss
Key 1988 stat: 1 double (half a double each)
It's time for a San Diego edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Aggressive tendencies (Winner: Clark)
Round 2: Aggressive last name (Winner: Pounders)
Round 3: Eerie resemblance to Phil Simms (Winner: Pounders)
Round 4: Eerie resemblance to a guy about to whack you in the head with a bat (Winner: Clark)
Round 5: Face as soft as a baby's bottom (Winner: Pounders)
Round 6: Face contorted into a monstrous snarl (Winner: Clark)
Round 7: Winner because we're scared (Winner: Clark)

Score: Clark 4, Pounders 3, Ties 0

Synopsis: These two Padres were locked in a tight race, until the judges here at the Bust ran away out of fear of being knocked upside the head by Clark's bat.

Brad Pounders and Jerald Clark, 1989 Fleer Major League Prospects

Rich "Goose" Gossage, 1986 Topps

Name: Rich "Goose" Gossage
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Closer
Value of card: 11 goose feathers
Key 1985 stat: 28 men beaten up with just a stare
Here's why you shouldn't mess with the Goose:

• His mustache won't even ask Goose before strangling you.
• He wears dope shades so his stare alone doesn't force you into the fetal position with tears streaming down your cheeks.
• He might be the only man alive who could make that nickname sound manly.
• He's Rich, beeyatch.

Rich "Goose" Gossage, 1986 Topps

Bruce Bochy, 1987 Topps

Name: Bruce Bochy
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Even trade for a 1988 Bruce Bochy Topps card (or, just discard it in the garbage)
Key 1987 stat: Size 8 head
It's time for a future-manager pop quiz:

Just how big is Bruce Bochy's head?

(A) It's so big, Baskin-Robbins used that helmet in a promotional giveaway and filled it with all 32 flavors.
(B) It's so big, he avoiding getting haircuts because he'd get charged double.
(C) It's so big, he has three brains crammed in there.
(D) It's so big, this card weighs 11 pounds.
(E) All of the above.

Bruce Bochy, 1987 Topps

Benny Santiago, 1991 Topps

Name: Benny Santiago
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 2 ounces of baseline chalk
Key 1990 stat: 3 pounds of mustache hair
Top 10 things Benny Santiago could be looking at:
10) A seagull about to deposit a lil' somethin' somethin' on his forehead.
9) Tony Gwynn floating above Jack Murphy Stadium.
8) A scoreboard showing, unsurprisingly, that the Padres were trailing.
7) He's not looking at the sky; he's in the middle of an interpretive dance routine.
6) The lights of the Goodyear blimp, and it read Benny Santiago's a pimp.
5) His soul escaping out of embarrassment after he agreed to pose for this card.
4) The San Diego Chicken taking his job a little too seriously.
3) A popup ... that's now on the ground.
2) The jheri curl mullet juice that flew into the air when Santiago whipped off his mask.
1) A self-satisfied Topps photographer balancing on a ladder.

Benny Santiago, 1991 Topps

Tony Gwynn, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Name: Tony Gwynn
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One terrible Christmas present
Key 1988 stat: Sixth full week of Donruss Diamond Kings brought to you by The Bust
Welcome to Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week: Let us start by saying we're sorry. We know we've nearly drowned our nine readers with Diamond Kings over the years, yet we're bringing you more, just in time for the holidays. So, following in the cleat marks and paint splotches of Atrocious Diamond Kings Week, God-Awful Diamond Kings Week, Dreadful Diamond Kings Week, Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week and Disturbing Diamond Kings Week, we offer you, with our heads hung low, Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week.
Not quite induction worthy: Tony Gwynn was a Hall of Famer. This card was not. While the Hall stands for all that is right with the game, this card stands for all that's wrong with sports card illustrations. From Gwynn's crooked hat to Gwynn's crooked mustache to Gwynn's crooked neck to Gwynn's crooked eyes — well, we're sensing a trend here. But we understand, when there's an exploding star right behind you, things can get a bit out of whack.

Tony Gwynn, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Joey Hamilton, 1997 Fleer Ultra

Name: Joey Hamilton
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Lice
Key 1996 stat: Second-grade reading level
Which Dr. Seuss book does Joey Hamilton think he's part of?

A) One Arm, Two Arm, Red Arm, Dead Arm
B) How the Grinch Stole Second
C) Oh, the Games You'll Lose
D) Hamilton Hears a "Boo"
E) The Prat in the Hat

Joey Hamilton, 1997 Fleer Ultra

Tim Flannery, 1988 Fleer

Name: Tim Flannery
Teams: San Diego Padres, Sauritch Surfbords
Position: Second base, pitch man
Value of card: 3 ounces of SexWax
Key 1987 stat: 490 waves shredded
Script from Sauritch Surfboards television commercial, circa 1987: "Cowabunga, dudes! This is Tim 'The Flan Man' Flannery here for Sauritch Surfboards, the finest boards straight from SoCal. You want to catch some epic waves and rip it heavy? Grab a Sauritch. You want to totally miss out on wipeouts and never hear, 'Bummer, bro'? Grab a Sauritch. You want to jet through a rip curl and keep it gnarly at all times? Grab a Sauritch, dude. Even if your job is on the diamond, you'll never be a square on a Sauritch. Surf's up, dude. Forget the hanging curveballs; hang 10 on a Sauritch, and be the big Kahuna."

Tim Flannery, 1988 Fleer

Dickie Thon, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Dickie Thon
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: More when it's ripped up into tiny pieces and used as confetti
Key 1988 stat: 11 showers (all season)
Here's what Dickie Thon stands for:

Dung-colored uniforms smell like they look
Inside that mind? Dirty, dirty thoughts
Caterpillar died above his lip
Killer — lady killer
Insect species by the dozen living in that hair mess
Eyes looking into the sun, and they'll soon melt

Tells women he sang "The Thon Song"
Horrible card crop not as bad as his hair crop
Other than featuring the worst photo of all time, this card isn't that bad
Never was introduced to a comb

Dickie Thon, 1989 Upper Deck

Dave Dravecky, 1984 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Name: Dave Dravecky
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Three children's drawings, three years after they're drawn
Key 1983 stat: 13 vomit color combinations
"Disturbing" is only the beginning: Oh my god, man! What's happening to you? Look! Look in this mirror, man! Your face ... it's ... it's melting! Your face is melting! Your chin is dropping under your skin into your neck! Your nose is slowly expanding outward! Your eyes are sliding across your face toward the place your ears used to be! For the love of all that's holy! Can someone help this poor guy? Oh, no! Look at his smaller self! Look at what he's turned into! He's ... he's ... faceless! Ah!

Dave Dravecky, 1984 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Goose Gossage, 1986 Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Name: Goose Gossage
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Closer
Value of card: 6 ounces of goose poop
Key 1985 stat: 67,832 mustache hairs grown
Fun (horrendous) facts about Goose Gossage and geese:

• Geese are waterfowl. Goose is just foul.
• Geese can fly. Goose's handlebar mustache is fly.
• Geese have feathers. Goose's mullet is feathered.
• Geese are monogamous, living in permanent pairs throughout the year. Goose is promiscuous, but he lives as a pair with a tiny version of himself.
• Geese are known for their honking. Goose has a honkin' bulge.
• Geese are majestic creatures whose effortless ascents into flight inspire onlookers to believe in the beauty of the natural world. Goose's name is slang for sticking your finger in someone's rump.

Goose Gossage, 1986 Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Bip Roberts, 1996 Score Artist's Proof

Name: Bip Roberts
Teams: San Diego Padres, Tijuana Torerros
Position: Second base
Value of card: 2 pesos
Key 1995 stat: Nada
10 things Bip Roberts regrets from his trip to Mexico:
10) Getting those eye black tattoos.
9) Riding around town on a Tijuana zebra.
8) Spending a week there one night.
7) Getting "Bipped" in an alley behind a tourist bar.
6) Buying that fake gold necklace from a guy who kept calling him "Meester Robert"
5) The chimichangas that nearly killed him.
4) Nothing, until he saw this photo.
3) Having to explain to everyone that he plays on a baseball team called the Dads.
2) Blacking out and waking up with the name "Bip."
1) Misplacing his baseball cap.

Bip Roberts, 1996 Score Artist's Proof

Mark Grant, 1988 Fleer

Name: Mark Grant
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A Grant (not a $50 bill with Ulysses S. Grant on it, but a Larry Grant, the nickname for a bag of plastic bottles at the Coney Island recycling center)
Key 1987 stat: 14 wascally wabbits hunted down and hit with a baseball bat
Mark Grant is clearly hunting something with a bat; the 10 things he could have been hunting:
10) An actual padre
9) The maker of his bulky Converse All-Star cleats
8) Not a pitcher, but a belly itcher
7) He already hunted down his shadow and is pummeling it
6) A dentist; ahhhhhhhh!
5) The chimichangas Kruk stole
4) A compliment to a mediocre fastball
3) What's left of his career
2) The San Diego Chicken
1) His nemesis, Grant Mark

Mark Grant, 1988 Fleer

Eric Show, 1989 Donruss

Name: Eric Show
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Let us show you       0
Key 1988 stat: Won National League Mullet of the Week five times that season
Hair all about it: What does Eric Show stand for?

Energized the crowd with his length of curls
River otters able to nest in his unruly mop
Isn't doing too shabby with that mustache, either
Curveball not as knee-buckling as his hairdo

Stirrups not as long as that party in the back
Hecklers had no shortage of material to work with
Online dating profile full of inaccuracies
Went the distance 13 times that year       on the mound (but zero times with the ladies)

Eric Show, 1989 Donruss