Drew Bledsoe, 1995 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 3)

Names: Drew Bledsoe, Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor
Teams: New England Patriots, 13 colonies
Positions: Quarterback, infantry
Value of card: 1 Massachusetts pound (no longer in circulation)
Key 1994 stat: Zero times sacked when protected by a guy with a gun
It's time for a revolutionary edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Awesomeness of hat (Winner: Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor)
Round 2: Intricacy of uniform (Winner: Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor)
Round 3: Manly look on face (Winner: Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor)
Round 4: Height (Winner: Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor)
Round 5: Courage (Winner: Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor)
Round 6: Ability to shoot you in the face (Winner: Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor)
Round 7: Ability to shoot dirty Redcoats in the face (Winner: Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor)

Score: Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor 7, Drew Bledsoe zero

Synopsis: It was never much of a contest, and who can blame Bledsoe or the judges? The nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor has a big gun and looks like he's ready to squeeze the trigger until it goes "pop ... pop."

Drew Bledsoe, 1995 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 3)

Bruce Armstrong, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 42)

Name: Bruce Armstrong
Team: New England Patriots
Position: Tackle
Value of card: $1 if you can wrestle that earring away from Armstrong
Key 1990 stat: 2,716 hours spent playing "Street Fighter II"
It's time for The Caption, which may have run in a Boston-area newspaper circa 1991, maybe: "Bruce Armstrong, above, practices his best hadoken after playing 'Street Fighter II' for 11 straight hours and always picking Ken as his character and cheesing by only using the hadoken despite his friends telling him he was a cheater and he should pick a different player or, at least, use a different move, all while Armstrong should have been attending practice with the New England Patriots in Boston, Mass., on Thursday."

Bruce Armstrong, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 42)

Harry Colon, 1991 Action Packed (Football Friday No. 159)

Name: Harry Colon
Team: New England Patriots
Position: Safety
Value of card: 40 days and nights of laughter
Key 1991 stat: Ran around with "Colon" written on his jersey
Here's what Harry Colon stands for:

Had a knack for wiping out the competition
Athletes named after parts of the bowels are always worth a laugh
Remember how good the Patriots were in the early '90s? Neither do we.
Rectum? He damn near killed him!
Yeah, sorry. Forgot his name was Colon, not Rectum. Because that would have been ridiculous.

Clearly, this guy stunk
Oh yeah, he wasn't good at football, either
Lone break in the humiliation came when Patriots signed fullback Hugh G. Reckshon
OK, time for the moral of the story:
Nobody likes a Harry Colon

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Harry Colon, 1991 Action Packed (Football Friday No. 159)

Bruce Armstrong, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 6)

Name: Bruce Armstrong, aka "The Piledriver"
Team: Boo Eekland Patriots
Position: Offensive tackle
Fright value of card: A mixed metaphor
Key 1994 splat: One copyright infringement lawsuit from the creators of "Edward Scissorhands"
Top 10 questions we're left with after viewing this abomination:

10) If he's The Piledriver, why does he have clamps for hands?
9) Isn't the Piledriver a move invented and used by Ron Jeremy?
8) If his abdomen is animatronic and exposed, why is his crotch so massive?
7) Why isn't the exposed part of his left leg also covered with toxic silver paint?
6) Are those lights on his head, or plastic cups left over from beer pong?
5) Why is he making a face like he has to poop?
4) Wouldn't it be hard for him to move while wearing boots made of lead?
3) Are the cardmakers implying that Bruce Armstrong commits a lot of holding penalties?
2) Is it pronounced "pile-driver" or "piled river"?
1) Why did grown men agree to pose for this set?

Bruce Armstrong, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 6)

Dick MacPherson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Coach-Manager Week No. 2)

Name: Dick MacPherson
Team: New England Patriots
Position: Head coach
Value of card: One mustard stain
Key 1991 stat: 4,619 liver spots on hands
Top 10 places you've seen Dick MacPherson's sweater:
10) The Goodwill down the street
9) The shadier Goodwill across town
8) In your dad's dresser
7) At that Bad Christmas Sweater Party you went to last year
6) On your neighbor's ugly dog in the winter
5) We're pretty sure Tom Brady wore it a couple years back
4) About 20 years ago, on some old guy at Pro Line Studios. ... Hey, wait a minute!
3) In your uncle's rag drawer
2) In a gift box from Grandma three Christmases ago
1) On a homeless Dick MacPherson after he went 8-24 in two seasons with the Pats

Dick MacPherson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Coach-Manager Week No. 2)