Mike Schmidt and Pete Rose, 1982 Donruss Phillies Finest

Name: Mike Schmidt, Pete Rose
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Positions: Third base, first base
Value of card: Two plays on a nickel slot machine
Key 1981 stat: 12,381 times ridiculed for uniforms' ridiculous color combination
It's time for a City of Brotherly Love edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Most tire rubber wrapped around chest and stomach (Winner: Rose)
Round 2: Weight of mustache, in pounds (Winner: Schmidt)
Round 3: Haircut most likely to be seen on "Little House on the Prairie" (Winner: Rose)
Round 4: Most actual bird feathers in unkempt haircut's wings (Winner: Schmidt)
Round 5: Volume of baby-blue bulge (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Amount of blood flow restricted due to skintight pants (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Number of clipboards held awkwardly at side during a (cough, cough) professional photo shoot (Winner: Schmidt)

Score: Schmidt 3, Rose 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: It was a tight battle with little love lost between Charlie Hustle and Schmidty in the City of Brotherly Love, but, as usual, the Hall of Famer came out on top. You can bet on it.

Mike Schmidt and Pete Rose, 1982 Donruss Phillies Finest

Pete Rose, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 2)

Name: Pete Rose
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Outfield/infield/child laborer
Value of card: A 5-year-old's drawing of poop
Key 1977 (maybe) stat: Never actually looked like this
Just stellar work, Upper Deck: What the hell is this? We thought these illustrations were supposed to be life-like. Instead, we've got what appears to be an oil painting made by a sixth-grader of Pete Rose wearing a velour track suit and a gold watch. What, is he Tony Soprano's dimwit underage bodyguard? It seems as though Rose has gnawed off the outer edges of those bat barrels like a beaver and mashed the damp shavings together to create the wig on his head. And is that a baseball glove he's carrying in his other hand? It looks more like some sort of poorly constructed wicker basket. At least the look on Rose's face seems legitimate, although it's more likely that he had that expression of disappointment and constipation after viewing this portrait. Really, excellent job, fellas.

Pete Rose, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 2)

Pete Rose, 1989 Topps

Name: Pete Rose
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Manager
Value of card: 3-to-1 odds it's worth nothing; OK, 1-to-1 odds
Key 1988 stat: 326,930 bets placed
10 bets Pete Rose made after seeing this card:
10) He bet he hadn't showered in three weeks.
9) He bet the only thing he "managed" was the 12-game parlay.
8) He bet that a Rose by any other name would still smell as sweat.
7) He bet his hair looked like stalagmites.
6) He bet bottom dollar — because he was broke.
5) He bet his arm hair could have been braided.
4) He bet dollars, ate doughnuts.
3) He bet he hadn't gotten a haircut in 16 months.
2) He bet on the Reds. Obviously, you should always bet on black.
1) He bet he would be betting by the end of the day. For once, he won.

Pete Rose, 1989 Topps

Pete Rose, 1984 Topps Purina Dog Chow Insert

Names: Pete Rose, Charlie Hustle
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: First base
Value of card: Over/under 75 cents
Key 1983 stat: Zero haircuts
A peek into the mind of a legend: The staff psychic here at Baseball Card Bust is at times able to determine the thoughts going through the minds of our subjects. Here's what Pete Rose was thinking at this moment in 1983: "That $3,000 on the Orioles at 15-to-1 this year is looking pretty solid. ... Remember when I nearly killed that bum Ray Fosse at the All-Star Game? That was awesome. ... I think it might be time to switch shampoos. ... If Rick Rhoden comes in tight on me one more time, I'm gonna bust his jaw so hard he'll be spittin' teeth for a week. ... What was that broad's name at the strip club the other night? Candy? Sandy? Mandy? Crap, I think she stole my pager. ... These Jockeys are a little tight. ... Screw Philly, I'm going into the Hall of Fame as a Red."

Pete Rose, 1984 Topps Purina Dog Chow Insert