Darrell Evans, 1982 Topps

Name: Darrell Evans
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Third base
Value of card: 0.00732 ounces of ink, the amount used for that third-grade signature
Key 1981 stat: 42 minutes spent Dumpster-diving for his batting gloves
Whoa, big boy: Hey there, Darrell. How you doing? That's an awfully big stick you're, ahem, carrying. You have it positioned so gracefully, so naturally. It's like — gulp — an extension of you. So, um, do you come here often? Huh-huh, not like that. Sorry, we're a bit flustered. You're just so bold, so — gulp — big. What's that? You don't want to brag? Well, you may speak softly, but you definitely carry a big stick. Doing anything after the game?

Darrell Evans, 1982 Topps

Jeff Montgomery, 1998 Topps Opening Day

Name: Jeff Montgomery
Team: Kansas City Firemen Royals
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Smoke inhalation
Key 1997 stat: Pulled the fire alarm 27 times as a prank
Safety first, kids: The honchos at Topps probably thought this card was pretty funny, but we see several fire code (and good taste) violations in the photo. Therefore, we see no choice but to assess some fines.

• $50 for removing the only fire extinguisher in the building and using it as a prop.
• $150 for having Jeff Montgomery make inappropriate gestures with the extinguisher's hose and nozzle.
• $25 for Photoshoping flames on Montgomery's chest, defeating the purpose of him being a fireman or whatever.
• $65 for Montgomery not strapping down his hair helmet.
• $1,000 for subjecting us to a photo of Montgomery wearing a sleeveless, snap-down vest with no shirt underneath. Creepy.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp.

Jeff Montgomery, 1998 Topps Opening Day

Ernest Riles, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Ernest Riles
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Third base
Value of card: One church belt from Goodwill
Key 1990 stat: 14 autographs given — and asked for — in one season
Time for one of our "signature" pop quizzes:

What did Ernest Riles write on that kid's ball?

(A) "Sorry for blinding you with my jersey, Joey."
(B) "Sincerely yours, the esteemed Mr. Turtleneck."
(C) "Thanks for the pen — the pen 15. Get it? Get it?"
(D) "Freddy, you look like a better athlete than that punk in the yellow hat behind me."
(E) "Thanks for telling me to block my bulge with my bat, Marty."
(F) "Sorry, I'm not Rickey Henderson."
(G) None of the above.

Ernest Riles, 1991 Upper Deck

Valery and Pavel Bure, 1992 Upper Deck Bloodlines (Another Alternative Sports Week No. 1)

Names: Valery Bure and Pavel Bure
Teams: Montreal Canadiens and Vancouver Canucks, respectively
Positions: Right winger and right winger, respectively (They *spit* hate American Democrat scum.)
Value of card: 2 Russian rubles (1 ruble = .0333 U.S. dollar)
Key 1991 stat: $13 an hour for a baby sitter
Welcome to Another Alternative Sports Week: The NHL playoffs are well under way, the PGA season is in full swing, and NASCAR drivers are turning left every weekend. It's that time of the year when we here at The Bust bring you a week's worth of embarrassing cards from outside the three major U.S. sports. It's not that we can't find enough sloppy work in the baseball, football and basketball arenas, it's that we stumble across some of the worst cards ever made in sports few in the collecting world care about: hockey, golf, gymnastics, reverse toenail clipping and so on. So, without further ado, behold the bottom of the barrel of the bottom of the barrel.
It's time for a brotherly edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Wind-swept 1980s wave haircut (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Refusal to wear pants (Winner: Pavel)
Round 3: Untrustworthy towhead tendencies (Winner: Valery)
Round 4: Sexy Soviet-toned calves (Winner: Pavel)
Round 5: Allegiance to Mother Russia (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Sexy woman's name that is also the title of a legendary 1980s song (Winner: Valery)
Round 7: Age 14 or younger (Winner: Valery)
Round 8: Phallic positioning of hockey stick (Winner: Pavel)
Round 9: Talent (Winner: Pavel)

Score: Pavel 4, Valery 3, Ties 2

Synopsis: Big brother wins again, this time thanks to his talent and sculpted calves. But, really, when two kids escape the tyranny of the U.S.S.R. and both get the coolest rollerblades on the block for Christmas, no one loses. (Except you, Commie scum.)

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Valery and Pavel Bure, 1992 Upper Deck Bloodlines (Another Alternative Sports Week No. 1)

Lenny Dykstra, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 42)

Name: Lenny Dykstra
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Center field
Value of card: Three "refried" dips of chewing tobacco
Key 1990 stat: 7-inch turtleneck
A look at Lenny Dykstra, By the Numbers:

Hits, career: 1,298
Chews, career: 1.298 million
Batting average, career: .285
Bowl cut average, career: 1.000
Stolen bases, career: 285
Stolen business ideas, post-career: 285
Home runs, career: 81
Failed businesses, post-career: 81
Salary total, career: $29.8 million
Bankruptcy total, post-career: $29.8 million

Lenny Dykstra, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 42)

Ken Harvey, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2011 No. 5)

Name: Ken "Jackhammer" Harvey
Team: Washington Shredskins
Positions: Linebacker, construction worker
Fright value of card: Seven minutes of jackin' (uh, what?)
Key 1993 splat: Zero Halloween party invitations
Clearing up some rumors about Ken Harvey's costume: 

• Harvey didn't wear a costume dripping with sexual innuendo. He literally and figuratively beat you over the head with it.
• Harvey didn't carry around a giant tool at all times. He was a giant tool at all times.
• Harvey, the construction laborer, didn't work on the streets of D.C. His sister did.
• Harvey didn't thrust the tip of his massive tool into things. He was busy riding a weird-looking pogo stick.
• Harvey's choice to wear the costume wasn't a bright idea. That was a glowing penis, not a light bulb, atop his helmet.

Ken Harvey, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2011 No. 5)